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AIBU

Grandson Won't Talk To Us

(85 Posts)
minstrel Wed 15-May-13 11:19:10

We have a lovely, bright little grandson of 5 years old. Our son and his partner are now living apart and she has met and is to be married to another man next month. Our problem is that our grandson will not acknowledge us at all. He never says hello when he comes into our house or says goodbye when he leaves. I have never had a cuddle from him and have now given up trying. When myself or my husband try to talk to him he completely ignores us. As you can imagine this is very hurtful. His parents have never told him that this is wrong and instead say "its just the way he is". We both feel very rejected. Has anybody else had this experience?

abnerbenjamin Fri 31-Jul-15 21:27:13

Message deleted by Gransnet for breaking our forum guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Coolgran65 Mon 13-Jul-15 01:13:49

The content within an old thread is still useful to newcomers.smile

Christingle Sun 12-Jul-15 21:59:02

Oh dear! Why aren't old threads deleted??? ��

Christingle Sun 12-Jul-15 21:57:05

I would try to talk to Mum. It's rude and must hurt you a great deal Sometimes one of my grandsons ignore me, he is three, and I tell him it's very rude behaviour which it is. I would tell your grandson this, and also that you love him and know that times are tough for him. I hope it resolves and your son takes a stand too.

Ana Thu 09-Jul-15 22:07:25

I do wish GNHQ would archive threads after a certain date - we keep getting these old threads brought up and in most cases the OP has either long gone or the problem is no more...hmm

nanakate Thu 09-Jul-15 22:04:42

Just wanted to point out that this thread is two years old and the discussion ran out in May 2013.

leurMamie Thu 09-Jul-15 18:52:19

Oh dear, I really feel for you minstrel. I am also the granny of a 5-year-old and he can be very cheeky indeed but is not allowed by anyone to get away with it. He is good at saying "sorry" when scolded. It really does sound to me - as some others have said - that there are other issues going on here. This poor boy's world is falling apart, and perhaps he is fearful about his stepdad as well. I would imagine the only thing you can do is reassure him that you love him, but I would also insist on manners. His fears and upset feelings are still no excuse to be rude.

I agree with his mum on one thing: no tv during the week! Kids watch it far too much and many even have one in their room...sorry but I'm strictly old-fashioned here. But in any case you are wise - even if you don't agree with that rule - to respect her wishes.

NudeJude Thu 09-Jul-15 16:57:08

Unless I've missed it, I notice that no one has asked how the little boy's mother gets on with YOU? Presumably you have him after school for her convenience? If so, how does she treat you when you drop him off or she collects him? If I'm wrong about that, do you have any sort of contact with her, only I get the distinct impression that she's probably bad mouthing you, to him, and possibly even encouraging this behaviour, and it's quite possible that your son is aware of this but doesn't want to stir up a hornets nest for fear of not being allowed to have contact with his son.

tigger Thu 09-Jul-15 14:11:55

It's quite normal!

Nanabelle Tue 07-Jul-15 15:51:40

oh - I have just read all through this thread before I noticed the dates! it would be nice to hear from minstrel how things are going now.
This thread also is a great example of how supportive and friendly Gransnet can be.

Iam64 Tue 07-Jul-15 13:42:12

toopie52 - this is an old thread, that was dormant.

Your OP is about a recent diagnosis of ADHD and the way in which your grandsons parents discipline/don't discipline him. It may be worth starting a new thread rather than using this one smile

toopie52 Tue 07-Jul-15 08:31:51

I have a soon to be 5 yr old gs that just in the last month refuses to talk to me. He has been diagnosed w ADHD...personally I feel for the little guy however the home life is dysfunctional & they have not disciplined him for pretty much all his bad behavior.

maxgran Wed 22-May-13 15:21:14

Does your grandson see other people in your family hug or cuddle each other?
Is it something you DO as a family?
If not then I would think he would not be comfortable with it.

I do think his Dad should have a word with him about him ignoring you. Personally, when my grandson ignores me I don't let him get away with it. I won't accept rudeness or being ignored by anyone - let alone a 5 year old!.
Sometimes, my grandson says 'Not you again!' when I turn up and I just reply 'Yes it is!'

However, with your grandson - he may be feeling vulnerable if his parents have split up and he may have made a decision to keep a 'distance' in case you leave him too? It sounds silly, but in some ways people do this as a form of self protection, emotionally.

jeanie99 Wed 22-May-13 09:13:59

If you want to advice your son I would suggest he get legal advice, family arrangements I suspect can be complicated when the couple are not married.
I would always advice him to try and have as friendly a relationship with his X as he can for the sake of his son.
Life can be difficult at times and we sometimes have to bite our tongue to get the things we want.

Gorki Tue 21-May-13 14:05:51

I used to teach a little girl with selective mutism.it started when she began school and in her case was cultural in the sense that she was from Bangladesh and was copying her mother who in social situations because of language problems and culture would sit in a corner and not say a word. Could it be that your grandson is copying his mother if she doesn't speak to you but lets his guard down when he is doing an activity with you that he enjoys?

nannytotwo Tue 21-May-13 13:32:44

We had a child in playschool that didn't speak to the adults within the setting but was fine with the children,he didn't speak to his daddy or grandparents they was told he had Selective mutism information
Selective mutism is a childhood anxiety disorder where a child cannot speak in almost all social situations despite being able to.
What causes selective mutism?
Doctors are not always sure what causes some children to develop selective mutism although it is thought to occur as the result of anxiety, in particular specific phobias. Others develop the condition as the result of some sort of trauma.

Selective mutism usually begins in children under five years of age, though it may only become noticeable when a child begins school.

Most children with selective mutism are believed to have an inherited predisposition to anxiety. Some may have sensory integration dysfunction (trouble processing some sensory information) which causes anxiety making them "shut down" and unable to speak.

Many children may have some auditory processing difficulties and many have speech or language disorders that add stress to situations in which they are expected to speak.

One study into the condition found that it was more likely to occur in children who have suffered abuse, neglect, or trauma.

A common misconception is that a selectively mute child is defiant or stubborn.

What are the signs and symptoms of selective mutism?
Children with selective mutism are unable to speak in specific social settings. These children are often able to verbalise appropriately for their age in settings in which they are comfortable, such as in the family home, but lose the ability to do so in other settings. They may speak easily with parents and close friends but “clam up” at school or nursery.

Very often the child finds their inability to communicate highly frustrating and embarrassing. This can serve as a vicious circle only serving to make the problem worse.

How is selective mutism normally diagnosed?
Selective mutism needs to be formally diagnosed by a qualified child mental health professional.

If you have concerns that your child is displaying signs of the condition, speak to your GP who can refer you.

Selective mutism must be diagnosed according to specific guidelines.

These include observations that:

the child does not speak in specific settings

the child can speak normally in alternate settings

their inability to speak interferes with their ability to function in the setting

the child’s inability to speak has lasted for at least six months

the child’s inability to speak is not related to another behavioural, mental or communication disorder
How is selective mutism normally treated?
Selective mutism should be diagnosed and treated as quickly as possible. Treatment focuses on lowering the anxiety that the child has for speaking in a particular setting. Treatment does not focus on the speaking itself.

The most common forms of treatment for this condition are behavioural therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy and play therapy.

Behavioural therapy is an approach to psychotherapy designed to reinforce desired and eliminate undesired behaviours. It does not examine a child’s past, or concern itself much with their thoughts. Instead it concentrates on eradicating the difficulty in a practical way.

This is usually done in a step-by-step approach giving a person techniques and exercises which help them conquer their fears.

Cognitive behavioural therapy works by helping a person talk about how they think about themselves, the world and other people and how their perception of these things affects thoughts and feelings.

Play therapy is generally used with children aged three to 11. It provides a way for them to express their experiences and feelings through a natural, self-guided, self-healing process. As children’s experiences and knowledge are often communicated through play, it becomes an important vehicle for them to know and accept themselves and others.

Another technique used to treat selective mutism is called stimulus fading. In this technique the patient is brought into a controlled environment with someone with whom they are at ease and can communicate. Gradually another person is introduced into the situation involving a number of small steps.

Desensitisation is another approach. This works by encouraging the child to communicate via indirect means – such as email, instant messaging (either text, audio, and/or video), online chat or voice or video recordings. The child can continue to build up relationships this way until they feel ready to try more direct communication.

Another technique is called shaping. Here a child is encouraged to interact nonverbally before being slowly coaxed into trying sounds – clicks and hums, then whispering and gradually trying a word or two.

Some doctors use medication as a way to treat selective mutism. This may include trying some antidepressants which are used to decrease anxiety levels to speed the process of therapy. However medication is more often used for older children and teenagers whose anxiety has led to depression and other problems.

Family therapy can also be helpful. Relatives and friends of children diagnosed with selective mutism can have a major impact on the success of treatment for this disorder. A child needs love, support and patience as well as verbal and emotional encouragement.

At no time should a child suffering from this condition be expected or prompted to talk. Instead attention should be focused on making the child feel comfortable and confident in social settings.

What next?
This condition can be debilitating - preventing children from interacting normally and from learning normally at school. If left untreated it tends to get worse.

However it is not impossible for a child with selective mutism to ‘unlearn’ their fears, and begin to speak again.
More information

You can learn more about our clinical specialties by visiting CAMHS/DPM.

Last reviewed at Great Ormond Street Hospital on: 8 August 2011

annodomini Tue 21-May-13 10:07:22

minstrel, I noticed that in one of your posts you mention ' when we get home I will read to him or sometimes we make cakes, he will engage with me then.' I think this could be the most significant thing you have said about him. The answer to your relationship could lie in the activities you can do together. One of my GSs can be stroppy and rude, but when I do gardening with him he engages completely. Of course, gardening might not captivate your GS but he evidently likes baking. Why not start a folder of recipes that he likes and which he can learn to read eventually. He might really enjoy the weighing and measuring involved in making, say, gingerbread men. He might feel really proud presenting his dad with the fruits of his labours. Good luck. smile

HappyNanna Tue 21-May-13 09:30:15

In your OP you said 'my son and his partner' so I'm assuming they weren't married. In which case I've got a feeling that his Mum can do what she likes. Maybe your son should contact a family law solicitor.

minstrel Tue 21-May-13 09:20:55

Great idea about the postcards jeanie99. His mum took him to look at a new school yesterday so I presume they will be moving during the summer holidays in time for September term. They will be quite far away so we won't be seeing him very often. As you say, hopefully his mum will show the postcards to him.

Btw does anyone know whether his mum can take our grandson away from his dad (about 3 hours drive) therefore making it difficult to have regular contact? I don't know whether dad's have any legal rights to stop this happening.

jeanie99 Mon 20-May-13 22:47:24

I would try and find something for him to play with that would include you grandpa and dad. There are many board games around which he may be interested in.
I remember my son loved a dinasaur game and it helped him count as well.

You could all start by bringing in the box and setting things up and allow him to perhaps help, dad could be a go between.

I think it's finding something that he is interested in and he may then perhaps forget about anything that me may have heard from his mother.

If and when he moves away send him postcards regularly something nice and bright to keep in contact. He will not answer to start with but over the months he'll always know that someone loves and cares for him even if he does not see you.

I would hope that his mother would show him the cards.

minstrel Mon 20-May-13 12:11:11

Its so encouraging to read all your comments. They have all made me feel so much better about things. I thought I would get lots of hugs and kisses with my grandson but I now realise that they don't all want that! I'm not going to take the not talking to me thing too seriously anymore either. I shall continue to talk to him but if he doesn't want to talk to me then thats ok. Thanks so much everyone flowers

Deedaa Sat 18-May-13 20:51:47

My six year old grandson has started to come and curl up on my lap since his brother was born - something he hadn't done for years. No doubt it will wear off soon but it's rather nice! If I pick him up from school he sometimes greets me with the most awful expression (If you're a Calvin & Hobbs fan it's Calvin's dinosaur face) Heaven knows what the teachers must think I'm going to do to him, but he thinks it's hilarious smile

Tegan Sat 18-May-13 18:31:17

I was going to say last night [and then, for some reason didn't post what I'd written] that I never hug or kiss my grandson. He stopped letting me cuddle him when he was about 3 but that was because I used to read to him in the afternoon and I'd put my arms round him and he'd nod off for his afternoon nap. He realised that he didn't want to nod off, the cuddles stopped and they never restarted. And I've never kissed the boys because I didn't like old people kissing me when I was young [apart from a dear Aunt who I always kissed on the cheek] and I didn't want them to be in a position where I was trying to kiss them and they didn't like it. But I'm not very tactile anyway [strangely enough am very huggy kissy with friends but not with family]. And I do tell them I love them very much all the time. And I insist on holding their hand if we're anywhere dangerous [which, for me is just about everywhere because they're so precious].

MargaretX Sat 18-May-13 16:02:57

I agree jingle I worried far too much. I heard on Any Questions this afternoon a psychotherapist saying that children properly attached to their parents, who feel loved and secure don't want to sit on the knees of other people and I suppose some can't be bothered to chat either.
I never expect my GCs to cuddle up because I myself hated having to kiss old relatives when I was a child.

whenim64 Sat 18-May-13 11:04:38

Jingle smile