To want to see my daughter and granddaughter

Otw10413, this happened to me as well, although my grand-daughters were older and my daughter, who estranged herself for reasons only known to herself did not stop them from seeing me. It broke my heart and it took 7 years to become resolved. I tried everything I could think of to contact her, and as she lived close by this should have been easy enough, but she totally cut me out of her life. I still don't know what I did wrong. After the birth of her own grandchild, my great-grandson, things softened and she accepted me again. We have never discussed why it happened... I'm just so thankful to have her back in my life. I'm very careful with what I talk about when I visit, and I don't stay too long. The joy of hugging her and telling her I love her - and having her hug me back with a mumbled "Love you" reply is what I prayed for for all those years. It may take time, Otw, but stay steady and don't give up hope. Keep trying. .

Thank you . How do you cope with the waves of sheer pain when you think of the past and future; it's like a panic and I try not to cry because I've frankly cried far too much ? I awake at night crying , and I can't control the tears. I suspect my husband must be sick of watching me in this much pain and I wonder what my DD is feeling to want to continue something that is so against family life. I hope to hear a happy ending soon, not a tragic one. Also should I contact the other grandparents ( my ex. has always encouraged my daughter to ostracise me but the in-laws are good folk) .
Wishing peace to all those in this position .

Otw - I am quite sure that, like me, you have gone over and over every detail of your daughter's life, wondering if there was anything you did or did not do that caused her to behave like this. I was divorced when mine was 14 but she seemed happy enough about that - I had discussed it with both my girls and they understood how unhappy I was in my marriage. However, she was a very miserable baby, crying a great deal, and she found it hard to make friends as a child. Her sister, who is 18 months older, assures me that I could not have been a more loving mother to them both. I have come to the conclusion that she was just born with some chemical imbalance which made it impossible for her to be happy.

Please ignore J08 and be assured that the rest of us understand your pain and sympathise totally with you. As there seems to be no medical reason for your daughter's behaviour, perhaps she will come round again in time. I have not been able to cry - I wish I could, I think tears might be a relief, but I am afraid that if I start I will never stop.

Trying to make contact through the other grandparents could be worth trying as I am sure they have your joint grandchild's best interests at heart and must realise that you are all losing out.
Keep talking to us. xxxxxxx

Taking a tip from you lovely supportive bunch:
I can never forget my grand-daughter's huge brown eyes, as lovely as were my own wee girl's. They looked adoringly up at me. We exchanged the most innocent and overwhelming love for each other, she named me and ironically carries my name. It is still and always will be a thing of beauty, unmatched by anything else I have seen in nature and it must never be tarnished by the pain of absence. She loves me and I love her as I love her mother and her uncle . I have been shattered by the callousness of people I love who see no problem in pulling me from their lives and discarding me as though I were an inanimate splinter - and I've been touched beyond words by the kindnesses of strangers and I have been amazed by the strength and inspiration gained from loving and being loved by a good and kind man .

I hope this gets me and my fellow grand-mums through the day .

Otw - your little grandchild will reach an age when she can make her own decision and I hope she will then know how to find you. Don't give up hope - we have heard from several members how eventually they regained contact.

Dear Greatnan,
Thank you . Amazing similarities; my ex. and many of his family suffer with quite severe mental health problems. My daughter also found it hard to maintain friendships and my ex. has supported her estrangements whenever they occurred as an adolescent and that is something she cannot forget, she feels its ok. Crying is an outlet but hard for those that care for you to watch; you are strong and I envy you that and I wish you a lovely day .
All best wishes and sunshine

So sorry that you are going through this sad situation.
As said it is good to talk to others who fully understand as they are experiencing the trauma of estrangement.

Otw, like you, I spent so much time thinking about times gone by. When she was a little baby and a laughing toddler. It really did feel as if my heart was breaking and when I spoke to my other daughter and son, asking them if they may be able to help by trying to persuade her to speak to me again, they refused, saying they didn't want to become involved. I found that hard to take as they could see how unhappy I was. It was usually the last thing I thought of at night and the first thing I thought of in the morning. It was easy for others just to say 'let her get on with it' - or 'there must be something that caused it'. Whatever it was that DID cause it doesn't matter now. I hope so much that it's resolved for you and your daughter and that you get to see your wee grand-daughter very soon. xx

I thank all of you who have comforted me and my heart breaks for those similarly treated. While I type I don't cry but I am now trying to treasure the magic of my memories. So taking a tip from you lovely people:

I shall never forget the eyes, nose and smiling of my little GD, as beautiful as were those of my wee girl. We shared a love ,bewilderingly ecstatic and as beautiful as anything i have ever seen in nature . I shall hold the magic of the many memories close to my heart, and I shall not let this unwanted and unnecessary absence tarnish them in anyway. I have been broken by the treatment of loved ones, surprised by the healing words of strangers and overwhelmed by the love and caring of the rest of my family and amazed by the goodness of my good man . I wish you all a good day, full of peace .

You sound to be a lovely lady, and lovely things must happen for you one day.

Otw, I found it hard to read you post, I cannot offer any help, only support and empathy. My heart goes out to you. You do not say how long this estrangement has been going on, but I guess its all quite recent.
My daughter who is in a dangerous relationship with a drug addict is always threatening me with that she will cut us out of her life., but she comes back. I would be very sad at not seeing my beloved granddaughter who is now 5, and cannot imagine life without her.
Try and keep strong, safe in the knowledge that your little GD is being lovingly cared for by her Mum, and just hold on to the hope that this awful situation will pass. Your daughter may need you sooner than you think. Keep talking to us, it will help you more than you know.
xx

Yeah. Cos it always works out like that doesn't it Nanban.

J08 why are you so angry? Is your life so rotten?

I'm not angry! I just don't go along with "good things happen to good people". I don't think it always works out like that. But carry on believing it if you find it comforting.

I'm glad to be able to say my life is far from "rotten".

As someone that was estranged from my daughter and grandchildren last year for several months I can only sympathise with Otw. I said and did nothing to warrant what what happened; I had the closest relationship with my daughter and made a point of never interfering with either her marriage or the way she raised the children. It was a bolt out of the blue, the only upside being that I now understand a] how easily something like this can happen and b] how painfull it is when it does happen. Can I just say how unreasonable it is for someone to assume that the fault must be with the OP in some way, especially if they haven't found themselves in that situation . And thanks to Nanban for offering words of comfort.

So are you a bad person to whom good things happen j08? I have a bad habit of pointing out to my nearest and dearest how much worse things could be so I read these threads with interest. Some posters appear with a problem and then vanish. I would love to know if anyone posts when their family upset is over.Gillybob telling hr parents about her holiday,or Mishap driving to France. I t isn't as if I haven't enough to worry about anyway.

Tegan how lovely that things turned around for you - goes to show that nice things do happen to nice people after all.

Nice things happen to rotten people, and bad things happen to nice people - but when they are brave enough to air it here - or anywhere else for that matter - it doesn't seem kind or clever, or life enhancing, to add to the negativity - easy yes, inclined to make people shut up or go away, yes that too.

There are lots of problems and sad things aired and I'm guessing that when there is nothing positive to report, the correspondents stay a bit quiet instead of banging on about it. I hope the happy endings don't report back but do happen!

Otw I sympathise and do understand that this sort of thing can happen without the cut-off parent being to blame.

Over 10 years' ago towards the end of my marriage, my older son then in his early-20s had a major falling-out with his father, this resulted in my son not speaking to his father and ME for over three months. It was truly awful - he wouldn't reply to my phone calls or texts or messages sent via intermediaries.

I suppose I was guilty by association in his eyes - I don't know.

It's all in the past now, thank goodness. But I still feel very uneasy when I think about it, after all this time. How those who've been cut-off for years with no contact from the son/daughter, and any grandchildren, cope with it all I don't know.

I wish them all well.

Sadly it's true that bad things happen to good people.

I really feel for you...as I am to be going through a horrible situation myself ,it being my partners girlfriend holding back my granddaughter ..
.I wasn't even allowed to see her on her birthday the pain is awful and like yourself I have shed a lot of tears and not been able to sleep for thinking about the whole thing wondering what I have done to deserve such awful treatment...
the pain is unbearable but after months of this I have decided to accept the situation for what it is right now and I pray to god that it will get better...
because if I don't try and toughen up it will destroy me ...
I would say we should never give up trying or hope that things will change and get better...just keep being loving kind and caring and hopefully your daughter will see that she needs you in her life...it's awful especially when you have done nothing wrong I feel the same way as you....stay strong
And one last piece of advice for J08 please try and think before you type as you come across as insensitive ...or is that what you want ?

Stansgran - have you missed all the posts where people who have suffered estrangement (through no fault of their own) have been able to become reconciled with their children? Please don't read our stories if they upset you - that is not our intention.

I am sure we are all glad that your life is far from rotten, jingle.

Estrangement for a day, not knowing when/if it will end is an unbearable, devastating feeling and that is how it is for so many, sometimes for months, sometimes for years, sometimes for ever and as the days pass it gets worse because added in is all the life you've missed and are missing. Get on with life, put it on one side, live with hope, one day it will get better - nope none of that works.

Nanban, exactly. It doesn't work that way, because we don't know if there is going to be an end to it. If we knew that by a certain time it would all be alright, then we could get through it day by day. It's not like falling out with a good friend - it's losing part of yourself.

There are no words to adequately describe it, and the only place for comfort is sharing it with others in the same situation - people who truly understand. Thank you for being there to listen.