How do I deal with a difficult friend?

Write her a letter and tell her as tactfully as you can that circumstances have changed regarding your health, strength and financial situation and that, going forward, you are going to need her help and support. If she takes offence or ignores what you say you can reconsider whether a once equal relationship has now become so exploitative on her side that you need to adjust how it works in the future.

As for the blue badge, why don't you forget that (they can be very difficult to obtain even with a disability) and park in a commercial parking space and insist on splitting the cost between you.

Hi and think you need to gradually make a few changes. I was in that situation with my mother. I unwittingly went along with her all the time....Perhaps firstly (as it may be the most annoying thing), you could say something like 'shall we split the bill...or shall we each pay for our own' and get money out just for your meal. She will be surprised, maybe moan but will have no choice. You don't have to say it in an unfriendly way-it's just that you have a limited amount of money too and it's only right that you each lay your way. When you're convinced of this, you'll find it easier to do. Another time, you could give her her back back and say you're not feeling so bright today, so she needs to carry it. If it's that heavy, then she needs to start emptying it out so she can carry it! Finally, you could drop her at the venue and then park as suggested by someone or if she can't walk unaided, she could bring a stick to help her (not you, to help your problem of her dragging on you!). It's all about valuing yourself and then I think it'll be easier to stand your ground. You don't need to lose her friendship over this. But if she does really kick up at the changes( I don't think she will), then maybe start limiting the time with her-maybe coffee sometimes-(explain you can't afford lunch each week). Good luck with it.

Don't forget the blue badge, I would be lost withOut it and wasn't difficult the assessor was a physio. She could see how difficult it was for me with my knees been so painful and sadly I am worse now,

I am sorry your friend is on one way street isn't she? We always got fifty fifty when my dear friend and I go out and also take in turns to drive,

It's really not on to treat you like this I do hope you are able to mention it tactfully as you say would miss your outings,

I am sorry I would have stuck to my guns over bill when you plan another outing maybe set ground rules over whose turn is it?

Best of luck

It amazes me that people let themselves get into the situations they do then write for advice! The first time your 'friend' didn't pay alternately should have been the last time you went out for a meal with her. She should also be contributing towards the petrol and parking if you always drive. Friends worth keeping don't behave in this way! I would have told the 'sympathetic' staff it was none of their business and that it was not my turn to pay.

I would suggest that trips out are too expensive and obviously taxing for her, so fish and chips at her place and divide the bill.

You don't need the responsibility of being her unpaid carer when you are out, that is too much responsibility for you and spoils your day. If she can't get out and is immobile, she is fortunate to have a friend who has taken her for a ride...stop letting her take you for one!

I think she could get a blue badge but even so that wouldn't help you much as she likes to lean on you physically, emotionally and financially. If the friendship is worth it to you, meet at her place but stay in, otherwise you could end up dealing with her falling outside and make her pay her share.

Re the lady's walking problem, some folk are embarrassed about sticks, walkers with wheels etc. My DH has a brilliant walking aid, it is shaped like an old fashioned fishing stool. Closed he can use it to help him walking - more stable than a stick - open it has a canvas seat so that he can rest on the way. He's had it about 12 years! He took it when we toured Australia! Loads of people asked where he got it! Online at Better Health. I also agree you should drop her off, she can go and find a table!
Re the money problem - say that money is getting tight for all us oldies, let's pay for ourselves each week. I do that with most girl friends I meet.

I really think you need to knock this on the head. You are being taken advantage of. My friend and I split the bill, if one drives the other one pays for parking. Sometimes a treat say an ice cream. My friend had a previous friend who never offered to use her car when they went out and although she still sees her locally they do not go out anymore. Friendship is a two way thing.

Forgot to mention refusing to ask GP for help re walking aids is because she is being helped already by yourself.

I had a dear friend like that. We always split bills or paid alternately and it was never an issue. Then I remarried and it was as if she felt she 'deserved' to be treated. She was a widow but perfectly able to afford to pay for herself. It was awkward as it was more of an emotional response and I found it difficult to 'put my case' without unnecessarily upsetting her more.
Eventually she changed and even offered to treat me sometimes! It felt like a test of our continuing friendship.

I feel you value this long friendship so it's sad that you're feeling peeved because your friend isn't paying her way. We shouldn't be embarrassed to spell it out but 'money' can be a problem. Next time you collect her, before she's left her house, remind her to bring her purse as you think it's simpler if you start splitting the bill.

Regarding the blue badge, you can download an application form on line. Perhaps do this and fill it out together. Nothing ventured, nothing gained. Does she drive????

Also even when my mother got her badge, it could still be difficult parking so I used to drop her off at the door and go and park. And would bring the car back to the door on the return journey. Makes life much easier for you than struggling to support someone else. My mum was a tiny lightweight but used to feel like a ton when she was leaning on me! It took me a couple of years to persuade her to get into a wheelchair so we could whizz around!

Persevere - it would be a pity to lose touch. Good luck.

Try to find a way round this without losing your friend. I think the best thing is to meet her at your home or hers. Tell her you're not enjoying driving much as you're not as young as you were. Also maybe that you can't always afford to eat out. It may prick her conscience and she'll see things differently. I hope so. Good luck!

Sister is doing the 5 _ 2 diet , she has very recently lost her OH . I go out one day a week with her as it is the day DD looks after my OH . The first time we went it was to give me a break as I don't drive

Using you as a prop when out is harmful to you both. You could both have a fall - I have seen it happen in my own family. For your own safety and sanity you need to have a heart to heart. If she is a friend she will understand that things cannot continue as they are - she probably doesn't realise how she is imposing. If she does not get it then I'm afraid it is time to get rid. It is hard to begin with but the freedom you feel in the end is so worth it.

Yes you do need to be assertive re money issues and your own physical limitations. One extra thought though - as you are both older and not in the best of health - might you be able to get an occasional lift for such occasions from a volunteer driver? Age UK/ the local authority/ your nearest library might be able to tell you about schemes in your area.

mauraB what a predicament! Like you i like to meet up with friend/s for lunch,it is a treat and I have always insisted on paying for myself. I know you don't want to lose the friendship as its harder to find good friends as you get older and friend/s who you can laugh with. Laughter is a big 'thing' in my life. The next time you go out when it comes to paying the bill just say 'mine comes to £10.00 what is yours? and then add 'have you got the right change? if she makes a fuss, then say 'I have only got £10.00 cash on me. Then there is no confrontation. As regards the walk, as others have said either drop her at the door or find a new place to eat if you can. Hope this helps in some way

I agree with what many have said here. Don't leave it until you get to the restaurant. Tell her when you make the arrangements that you cannot afford to pay for both of you. You will know from her response whether she is worth keeping as a friend. Most friendships don't last forever. Hopefully you will find somewhere else to go for chats. If you do any crafts, there are often groups which meet together to do them, for example.
I'm not sure what you do about the walk to the restaurant except, again, to just point it out clearly.
Her pain and illness is making her a taker and that will get worse if you allow it.

Honesty is always the best policy. Don't tell us... tell her...
If she then chooses to end the so-called friendship you'll know what it really was...

Personally I would call it a day. Invite her round to yours instead. Tell her it is too much for you these days. I would not be shown up in public by someone who calls herself 'a friend'! That is not what friends do. Join a group if you need to see people and widen your circle a bit. She is getting more and more dependent on you and no doubt if it comes to her being bedridden she will expect you to be the carer. Do not go there for the sake of your own health. If she has relatives they can do the looking after, or social services will provide.

Despite all the sensible and helpful suggestions above. I get the feeling that your friend does not want solutions to a problem she does not want to recognise and while you bear the brunt without complaining she will continue as she is and you, it is clear, also do not want to tell her because she can be difficult (I have a friend like this, fortunately I do not see her often)

You say that you too have been ill, so I suggest you tell your friend, with great sadness and concern, that your doctor has read the riot act to you over your continued health and laid down rules for you to help you stay well. These mean that you have to avoid all physical and muscular stress, which means you will not be able to give her support when she is walking or carry her handbag. To support your argument, do as Smileless suggests and turn up with a walking stick.

This then puts the ball in your friend's court. Either she makes adjustments; gets a parking ticket, uses a walking aid or whatever or she has to decide to cancel or reorganise your meetings.

If she tries to get you to continue to help her, just say, at the point where you have had to park a long way from the venue and she hands you her bag, 'Sorry but I cannot risk my health by continuing as before, the doctor has been quite specific.'

As for paying, when it is her turn to pay, just remind her as she leaves the house to get into the car that she is paying and is her purse in an accessible location.

It will be a bit of a shock at first. I suspect you have let your friend rule the roost because you like her despite her sometimes overbearing ways (my friend is the same), but their are times when you have to dig your toes in.

She will get a blue badge my dad has one and he can walk a little way. So get the forms and give them to her.

Honesty is the only way here. You can't let her go on taking advantage like this, good friend or not. It is simply not fair of her. You can find a way of saying it gently, but she needs to get the message.

It's more difficult cos you've "allowed" this situation to develop so NOW is the time to have this conversation with your friend. Pop round at another time and, during the conversation, say we need to talk about our outings.
Then state you cannot continue to fund both your meals AND pay patrol AND pay parking too. So from now on it has to be split equally, each pay for their own food and she to pay parking. And so that you are not embarrassed in public!
AND you have to tell her that you can no longer let her lean on you and carry her bag or you're both going to have a fall. So a solution must be found.
You'll have to judge her reaction. If she's a true friend a solution will be willingly found. If she's just "using" you, sadly time to call it a day and find another group of less needy friends.
Go for it-it will only get worse!

There are many times in life we have to, as the saying goes,be cruel to be kind
Your own welfare is at stake and although your friend has health problems and I understand you don't want to upset or hurt her feelings ,YOU come first.
Put your cards on the table and if she is a true friend
she will or should consider your health and feelings.

I think an honest 'cards on the table' chat is overdue. Where you can put all your objections up for discussion. If your friend objects, then you have lost nothing. I would have to get a better basis on which to base my friendship. You mustn't allow others to treat you like this.

What a strange 'friend' When I go out with a girlfriend, the driver does not buy lunch and we seem to take it in turns so it works out OK.