Would you arrive empty handed?

I can't turn up anywhere without a bit of something. People like this usually cut themselves off and at worst sever relationships altogether.

Flowers I prefer to give to the living but that's me.

Sadly not everyone thinks like we do. A fact of life I'm afraid.

Shocking behaviour, Maw, especially not thanking you for your hospitality!
What can you say? Sounds as though they were not taught decent manners or have forgotten them.
There is also a lack of thoughtfulness or empathy which is quite staggering, especially under the circumstances.
I’m afraid I would have been rude, and it says a lot for your self control that you held it all in!
Here’s flowers and wine!

They do sound rather thoughtless to put it mildly. Try not to brood over this - easily said, but the only loser here will be you as you are going to have negative thoughts and they are destructive. Most people would reply in good time to allow the hostess to shop. Most people would turn up with a little something if they have been invited out for a meal; most would say thank you later. You are not wrong to be cross - most people would be!

Gosh, not in the least surprised you were left upset by their behaviour Maw.
As you say, you're used to the SiLs' eccentricity, but this is altogether different: a lack of consideration for you in leaving it so late to accept your invitation, an apparent lack of feeling for Paw, their brother, by leaving no token of love and loss at his grave and, frankly, bad manners in neither letting you know they were safely home nor thanking you for your hospitality.
Of course you will not cut them from your life - they are your family and you have a long, shared history that you would not want to lose. But I am so sad for you, that the weekend was not as you had hoped it would be.
Still, I am glad you came on here to let your feelings out - and now you can let them go

I assume you mentioned/they knew it was the first anniversary? It just seems strange. Hope you are feeling a little better today.

Certainly the Mitbringsel you mention is still strong in Germany. It recentlt happened the other way round with us.

One cold wet Sunday in a big city we had been invited to someone’s house for coffee, and i thought I heard brunch mentioned, so we didn’t have breakfast.

Realising we had nothing to bring we spent what seemed like hours wandering around in the rain hunting for somewhere open, ( everything closed on Sunday) until we found a florist, ended up spending over £18 on a bunch of flowers.
Sadly I must have misheard the brunch bit, we only got a cup of coffee before they had to go out. How our tummies rumbled, luckily restaurants are open sundays and we went for one of those lovely all day breakfasts you can get there.

No, not unreasonable, especially on this first anniversary of Paws passing. A small gift, flowers, pot plant, a bottle of wine, some nice chocolates or biscuits are not expensive and show appreciation for the invitation. Flowers for the grave would have been nice too, but to not even let you know they were home afterwards with a simple text messages is thoughtless and unkind, we all tend to worry when others are travelling and it is just a reassurance they are back home. All these added together are hurtful.

I would never go anywhere empty handed and it’s hard at times to understand that others do not show empathy/sympathy. You are clearly still sensitive to your loss so don’t let this get to you anymore it just not worth it ???

No Maw you're definitely not being unreasonable , but from what you've intimated in the past it's not unusual and you said Paw wouldn't have been surprised, as you know in Scotland it's called a 'wee minding' .
You're probably feeling extra hurt because you're obviously still very emotional and raw , because they're not in the same situation as you they have no idea how much even what they perceive to be unimportant is actually very meaningful to you , and you see it as a mark of disrespect to Paw, they just didn't think, it doesn't make them bad people but just not as thoughtful as you are . ?

Maw I hope you managed to get a decent night's sleep and weren't kept awake by your thoughts. There's nowt so queer as folk, as the saying goes. If they hadn't wanted to leave flowers on the grave then a gift of flowers for you would have been a thoughtful gesture. They sound a kind family on the whole, so perhaps a bit of eye rolling and a few deep breaths and head shakes is the way to go. from me anyway.

Please don’t brood over it.
Maybe as you’re part of their family, it just didn’t occur to them? I don’t automatically ‘do the right thing’ by others standards simply because I’m not aware of them. A friend fell out with me a few years ago because she used to get sulky about little things but never had to gumption to tell me directly what the problem was. She expected me to be a mind reader.
I’m not suggesting that you tackle the sisters about it but just because they didn’t bring gifts or flowers doesn’t necessarily make them thoughtless. They might not have been aware that that was what you were expecting.

Also, I find it very sad that women are berated for not following the social niceties but men are given an automatic ‘get out of jail free’ card when they behave in the same way. I hope we’re not still allowing such blatant sexism to continue with future generations?

I don't think you're being unreasonable, maw, but I don't expect anyone ever to bring me something when I've invited them to my house. Just bringing themselves is fine. And if they say thank you before they leave I don't expect a note or other communication to say it again.

Thinking about it, in a way I actually prefer people not to bring anything. It seems more relaxed and informal which, to me, is more comfortable.

I don't think there's only one right way to do stuff like this.

I felt quite cross on your behalf initially Maw, but on reflection and as others have said, it does seem to be the way things are these days. I am glad you are feeling better for venting on here.

I wouldn't have taken flowers for the grave but definitely would have taken them for you plus a bottle, or some nice chocs. Not to let you know they were back safely and to say thankyou for your hospitality is just plain rude.

I feel for you. While I wouldn't take flowers for the grave, I would at least take a small gift for whomever I'm visiting, and maybe a card, then express my thanks afterwards with a phone call.
It is not unreasonable to expect a call or text to say 'we're home', my daughter do it all the time, even if the text also includes a thank you for your hospitality.
I hope, now that you've "vented" you are able to put this away and carry on.
People are so strange sometimes, and almost never do or say what we expect of them.

I understand your feelings sadly the internet has put a stop to verbal or written thanks. Sometimes in families there is a sense of complacency when it comes to good manners, especially after the loss of a dear one, one can feel abused by their insensitivity. As you say let it go, but I would make sure I underline the need for sentiment if I ever get invited back. I often ask myself is a thank you from them more important than my relationship with my family because I very often don’t get anything from them.

Please don't waste your emotional energy by fretting about this. They won't change. They don't have the imagination to put themselves in your shoes. If you love them, I guess you just have to accept them as they are, warts and all. I don't think they set out to be disrespectful. It is lazy behaviour and I understand why you are cross. But my granny used to say "You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear". She said lots of odd things but many have stuck in my mind. They were not elegantly put, but generally pretty accurate.

I wish people'd stop blaming the internet for everything.

Thinking further on the upset feelings in this thread has made me realise that when people visit me then that, the visit, is what they are giving and I am giving some hospitality. Looks like quits to me.

This may not apply in the case described but doesn't an expectation of gifts assume that people can afford things like flowers and wine or whatever? What if they are a bit hard up? Inviting people to visit and then making it cost them something doesn't feel quite right to me. Surely the giver is the hospitality-giver not the hospitality-receiver?

I feel for you MawBroon, but we were brought up in a different age ? & although I too have this sort of thoughtless behaviour from my family, one has to bite the bullet & just let it go.
My DiL Once said, when I quietly enquired about a thank you, that it is my sons job to thank me, not her. This seems quite unbelievable as I know she was brought up to thank people.. I now over text both him and her when I thank them for anything. It does jog their memory/conscious occasionally. A quick thank you on a text is so easy nowadays.
Many years ago a psychologist gave me good strategies for dealing with this kind of rude hurtful behaviour..... imagine a filing cabinet at the top of the stairs; climb the stairs thinking about the thing that has upset you; when you get there open the drawer, pour all your hurt/anger/grief etc. into the drawer; close it up and throw away the key. I has served me well for many years.
People are rude, uncaring & disappointing and you are not. Rise above it all and pat yourself on the back for your good behaviour & next time lower your expectations of others. You may be pleasantly surprised one day from an unexpected quarter. Sending lots of hugs ?

From what you write, you are bothered ( on your own account)
My mantra is to never expect others to behave to my expectations if behaviour.
Your standards are not theirs.
You surprise me when you say that you were 'too chicken to say anything'.
From previous posts I thought you had more about you.

Craicon I agree with you. I always take a gift when I go anywhere as I lived in Holland and there it is the norm and I always email to thank afterwards but I think I am often lacking in the social graces. It is possibly through thoughtfulness I am not sure. I certainly do not mean it unkindly.
As you say your DH's sisters are kind so please do not take it to heart. Maybe the whole day was difficult for them in their own way. They just handled it differently.
So often people do not live up to expectations.

Anrol
Why on earth would anyone 'pat themselves on the back' for good behaviour? Superior feelings? Holier than thou?
Good manners are not something to be pointed out and deserving of congratulations.

*of behaviour, not if

Odd that - for people in their generation as we were, as you say, brought up not to go empty handed. I wonder if they were undecided whether to go or not and just left it too late to get flowers perhaps? But, still no excuse for not letting you know they had got home safely. I think you will just have to chalk this one up to experience Maw, people can be quite odd at times ((hug))

How unthoughtful and very rude especially under the circumstances.
I always take a little thing whenever I visit someone, and always send a thank you, its just good manners.

Members of one's family have a far greater tendency to severely hurt one's feelings, than friends do IMHO and experience.

You surprise me when you say that you were 'too chicken to say anything'
From previous posts I thought you had more about you


GabriellaG!
I am a kind soul actually and as I am very fond of the SILs I would never say anything to hurt them -as I suspect this might. Cleft stick situation, speak up or suck it up?
So moving on, in the cool light of day I shall just ?? and put it behind me!