Would you arrive empty handed?

If I'm going to friends for a meal I always bring a bottle and possibly chocolates. If best friend always a liitle gift.

The only part I think is unreasonable is the not confirming until the last moment.

To me that's rude and leaves the host rushing at the last minuet to get things prepared and can be stressful.

I don't really take flowers to a grave. I hate that they then die and make it look unloved. It's more about taking the time to remember them (whether at the grave or at home) that's important to me.

I also rarely take things when I go round to peoples houses. I have taken things when it's a special holiday (such as Christmas) as a contribution to things and to friends houses as a thank you, but with family, the time together is what's important.

How nice Maw. Im sure you feel better. I think its best to ignore things. People don't usually mean to be hurtful.

That's good news Maw

Hopefully, you feel a bit better now, Maw.

A good ending that enables you to stay fond of them in spite of their idiosyncrasies. We don’t get to chooses our families, even the ones we inherit in marriage, do we! x

Pleased for you.

You have a good conclusion.
Very pleased it can be off your mind now.
Hope you are getting through the days as well as possible
ps. Got a bit heated on here didn't it.

Ahh! Glad there is a happier conclusion! She realised her omission & it was good of her to say so,

Just a quick post script.
Nice card from one SIL to say thank you, and how much it meant being together on Sunday, realising how much her big brother DH meant to all of us and hoping that her card “made up” for forgetting to bring flowers. ?

The difficulty here for me is that I have never taken much notice of anniversaries (apart from wedding anniversaries and birthdays) in my own life, so it is hard for me to understand why they are so important to others.

That's odd Jalima - I thought just the same.....

maybe they feel their memories are a better place to pay respects to their brother

Well put, *justwokeup^.

I definitely don't think you're being unreasonable CanOnlyTry ... it's such a shame that 'gratitude' especially for people's kindnesses doesn't seem to elicit any thanks these days. I experience this sort of thing lots and tbh it makes me feel sad and a little bit 'worthless'. I think sadly is the times we live in, people seem to not value good manners. Having said that I agree better not to react because in my opinion, based on past experience, others will see you as the unreasonable one. Hope you're feeling a bit better about it all now though.

mawbroon. Thank you for this post. Quite simply, irrespective of different normals re taking a “minding”, Sunday was a day to be extra thoughtful and kind, and your relatives let themselves and you (and Paw) down. So your post reminds us of the importance of putting yourself in others’ shoes and being kind. It really does not take much or it shouldn’t. I kept hoping you would update that they had sent a belated acknowledgment. I have a dreaded first anniversary coming up and have decided to go alone as I cannot face the possible letdown. Your posts often give me advice so I thank you.

Long day today....I finally got a chance to catch up with Gransnet. Maw, satisfied that my comment gave you a much needed laugh. Jalima your comment about wilted flowers and the wine being left behind made me laugh out loud too! Some of your posts are a real hoot although a few of you need to lighten up a bit (you know who you are) .

Here's a funny story: Some time ago, DH and I had a birthday to attend (friend's 60th.)....I put the B'day gift, card, wine and Tupperware (Baked Brie with fig jelly) in a shopping bag and left it on the kitchen table (door to garage is next to our kitchen). While I finished getting dressed, I instructed DH to put everything in the car. When we arrived at friend's house (over an hour's drive) later, shopping bag wasn't in the car. How could such a thing happen? DH had left it in the front hall, "...so you couldn't 'miss' it" he said.

PS. When we got home later that night, DH and I ate the Brie and the jelly. Next day, we sent the rest by post with a nice note

I think mumofmadboys has good advice, maybe they are aware you discuss them on GN. And you say they are usually kind although a bit eccentric. It must have been so difficult for you this weekend but they came over, albeit in their own manner, to support you. Maybe they feel their memories are a better place to pay respects to their brother? People are just different. While understanding your feelings, don't distance your DH's family, you obviously mean so much to each other. You are so fortunate that your own DC are your rocks - don't let others worry you.

They sound mean. I wouldn’t be encouraging them around again, no matter how eccentric.

My comments earlier were not meant to be taken as advice - it was saying what I would do, not anyone else. I wouldn't dream of telling someone what to do.

I don't need anyone to back me up, and I'm not lonely. My own inlaws were horrible to me (MIL died a few years ago, but SIL is still here and is spiteful and nasty, so I have stopped bothering with her, 2 weeks ago)

It's about good manners, most people make sure they take a small gift or flowers when they have been invited to something like Sunday lunch. It's not as if they live close by and call regularly, it's polite.

If they are used to this custom it seems odd all three had forgotten. Maybe they had left the gift behind plus flowers but surely they would have said something. A clue seems to be the delay in accepting your invitation, something probably had happened they didn't want to talk about.

I've been in the same situation and I had no idea how to feel about it. Bit disappointed, let down, taken advantage of, it is confusing.

Perhaps one of them will tell you one day. Try not to let it hurt too much which it probably does. If you visit them keep up the custom with a smile.

How disappointing for you Maw. Good manners are fading fast, but I didn't think it was this generation. I am learning slowly not to expect anything from people as then I wont be so upset and hurt. Let it go and move forward. That's what I am doing with similar issues in our family. It hurts too much otherwise and they are not thinking of you.

An incredibly important milestone for you and you're not being at all unreasonable to have expected at the very least that they would have brought flowers to the grave and given you a hug. Can understand not saying much if overcome with emotion but there are other ways to show their feelings at their own loss and especially at yours.
As for coming to lunch without bringing even a token gift then that's sheer bad manners in my opinion.

I had no idea people found gifts and flowers so important. When people visit me I want to see the people, and I wouldn’t care, or notice, if they arrived ‘empty handed

Apology accepted Grandma70, but was it not obvious that the occasion was a little more than a family lunch?
My hurt was mostly because DH ‘s memory seemed to be disregarded in a rather cavalier way.
You were being “played” by a poster who enjoys stirring and being obnoxious under the impression they are being outspoken.

Mine was a general observation, MawBtoon, and not aimed at you or your situation at all. Sorry if you felt hurt, but I really was not talking about you.

Another general observation, NOT aimed at anyone in particular: no wonder there are so many squabbling families if people take offence so easily.

(My grandmother always said she wanted her flowers when she was alive.)

We are not allowed to mention the 't' word but I did wonder.