why don’t they get it?

Have you lovely Dad,he will be fine,just try it this once he will get a good laugh with the chaos and be amused by the children and probably give some good advice.He will probably enjoy the children and may enjoy some activity with them,might be calming for the children & he can probably tell them some good stories.Sorry life is so hard for you at present.

I do feel torn, my actions are totally in the best interests of the children. They are currently under Child Protection, both parents have failed them although Mum seems to have had a lightbulb moment and is making a much bigger effort of late. Our actions are motivated by giving the children stability, consistency, security and love as neither parent has put them first. Mum is making efforts now at least, my Stepson I truly believe will never be the Father they need him to be. We spent years supporting them, and my husband and I both said, “you are both adults, we need to prioritise the children and put them first.” Hence the situation we are currently in. My husband is supportive, my Stepson has no real relationship with his mother and she neither knows nor shows any interest in any of her grandchildren. She is not a very nice person to be honest and the children are strangers to her, I don’t think she has seen the 5 or the 2 year old more than twice since they were born and when she did see them she just used it as a platform to cause trouble. My Stepson had a very bad accident two and a half years ago and whilst he has challenges, I’m afraid he is fundamentally lazy. It’s a difficult situation all round. I have at least talked to my brother, as a couple of you commented, my annoyance with him was misplaced

Good for you Mamma66
You're a fine example to women and mothers everywhere.
I hope all your plans work out well and I'm hoping to read positive news at some time in the future.
Look after yourself and best wishes.

All together that sounds a nightmare situation and these days SS do not have the funding.
Oh to be retired.

Mamma66. I'm so glad you have talked to your brother, good for you. I think the support of your own family and the normality of them is important for you and I really mean it about your Dad, I would hate you to regret that you hadn't seen more of him.
I realise how agonising this is for these poor children. Unless you and your husband are in a position to provide a home for them, I still do not think it is best that you have them on your own when their father is supposed to be with them. It must be so very distressing for you to see the children in this situation, but your position is not one from which you can give a permanent home and security. Do you have contact with their mother? It might e nice if you keep in touch with her and support her so she knows that the Gradad and his wife are there for her. I think it really is important that SS know what happens on these weekends and the distance the father keeps from his children. The fact that you are exhausted is another important factor. This is not sustainable. The children need a more secure permanent basis on which to build their lives.

Mamma66- it is good that you have talked to your brother, it is so easy to misunderstand the actions of others. This is especially true when you are going through difficult times that other people cannot possibly understand. It does sound as if you are making the most of a situation were there are no winners. At least you also have plans that should make things more manageable in the future. You can only do your best by your grandchildren.

There seems little point in your step son having his children to stay at your house, if he doesn't want to interact with them. You and his father should be enjoying child free days, as and when you want. Not being made to look after your step son's children, whilst he is off doing other things. It sounds as though his father needs to have a stern word with him about finding a place of his own. In view of the fact, that visits have to be supervised, maybe, he could spend 3 hrs or so at your house when he has the children, before returning them to their mother. Your brother hasn't grumbled at you, because he cares about you. But also knows that you are tied down by the actions of your stepson. If you were to be ill in bed, would you still have the children over? It sounds very much, as though your step son is taking advantage of your good nature, by expecting you and his father to look after his children, when he is supposed to be doing it. Perhaps you could let your step son's wife know that you can only supervise visits for 3 hrs or so. Then she can make arrangements to collect them.

Can see why S. S. insist you and husband supervise. Sounds as if they know your son isn't interested in his children. You need to speak to him, point out what would happen if you don't continue in the supervisory role ie he will not be allowed any contact and he will be destroying his relationship as well as taking any stability away from the children. You sound as if you are carrying all the responsibility and with your DF as well and working you will be running yourself into the ground. Your son sounds very selfish. Please take care of yourself and get him to accept responsibility for his actions or lack of.

Your step grandchildren are lucky to have you. Your stepson sounds demanding and difficult.

To be honest I read your post and considered the practical steps you can take to look after yourself and your DH too.

I would make sure that all the weekends your DH has off from work should be the weekends your step grandchildren are not in your home. Maybe not all but many. Don’t forget to take a break from care giving to spend time with your DH. Being more proactive in the planning and saying what doesn’t work for you can often prompt people to step up and in.

I also wondered why your father could not stay at home this one weekend by himself in this instance. Perhaps I am wrong but if it really doesn’t work then sometimes it is okay for plans to change or to say ‘we will do this thing later’. Alternatively, just this once he would have to get along with children also present.

Lastly, your stepson should be looking after his children, the grunt work and it should be your DH telling his son, rather than you.

It doesn’t hurt to go out and not be available every now and again OP, leave your DH to grandparent (and it seems parent).

Mamma66. Are you able to speak to the social worker about this, it’s really not fair on you. You really cannot make yourselves ill over your stepsons children, however much you love them, after all, I doubt wether your stepson will pick up the pieces if you and your husband get ill.

Without boring everyone. We gave 18 years, ensuring our gc had stability. Loved him to bits but it was hard for us we never seemed to have a break. Now I'm on my own, I rarely see him, my husband said this would happen, I think I was wrong doing it, but I knew no one else would and I loved him so. I just wish my husband could have lived so we could have had some time together.