Guilt over my Mum

H1954, we don't all have the same feelings about our mothers. I never got on with mine. When she was very elderly, I felt sorry for her, of course, did my duty and visited - but only really for the sake of my siblings. There was no bond and when she died, all I felt was relief.

Sorry GNetters, all these comments made me so sad. I would dearly love to have some time with my Mum. I didn't realise how much I loved her until the day I had to let her go. She was so very poorly and totally exhausted that she could fight it no longer.
Give your mum, despite your difference, a big hug, put the differences aside and tell her you love her. She won't always be there.

Dortie - my financial issues started with something VERY similar! The initial figure has morphed into something unsustainable now I am unable to work

It may be a bedsit - but it will be your bedsit, your space - mine is invaded and we just do not get on and I hate it sadly but need to support her as she literally has nowhere else to go ....

Hard to Adjust to sharing again I meant ?

Don’t feel guilty both benefit and get on much better say once or twice a week. When you’ve lived on your own a long tor’s hard to Ashton sharing again x

Dortie145, your future bedsit near the beach sounds lovely. Enjoy. Tillybelle, good for you taking in those rescue dogs.

You're doing the right thing. Here in Austtalia, a similar realtionship became so toxic that the daughter killed her mother, when said mother complained the lamb chops were not hot enough.
No more to be said

Currently have DD and partner living in our home.
It is working ok but we both will be more content in a home of our own .
I sometimes need to hold my tongue,it can be the small things that cause disagreements,and she has a powerful personality.
Like your son Dortie they are not paying rent.I understand where you are coming from with that,my husband's sister said "I don't know anyone else who would do that".
My own mother lives some distance away ,unfortunately it would be very stressful if she lived with us.My husband said we would split up.At nearly 80 she is in great health,but I do worry that if she became unwell I would be unable to help.
I think you are doing the right thing,Look forward to your home .Look after yourself.
" Thanks mum for the help when I needed it,but now we both need our own space."

Dear dortie145, you sound fabulous and realistic.

Well done in getting your own bedsit. For what its worth, I couldn’t live with my father (97 and still VERY bossy) and even visiting for a few hours makes my blood pressure rocket!

And don’t believe all the people who claim happy home lives, some of them of course will be happy, but others will be bullied and some will be bullies themselves.

Enjoy your small home by the sea. ?

Thank you BarneyoldBat but I will take it all onboard

In a perfect life but as I have intimated I am not perfect

Done that but it is her that does a bottle of Whisky in two days I have my moments but hers are constant

Thank you very true

Dortie - consider that we can make the choice to not drink and not to argue.

Oh goodness I am lucky that my daughter is married successful own house and I have a Grandaughter. But we dont get on either lol very volatile and we have walked out on each other at various occasions many times My financial problems stemmed from paying for her accommodation at Uni and struggling to pay our own bill's but I dont regret it I have also given her deposit money for her house through our house sales I have nothing now and live on what I earn. Life at my Mums is bill free but very difficult. One thing I have learned is nothing stays the same, perhaps your daughter could get a low cost accommodation with your support? Of course I could be talking out of my proverbial I dont know what the abvs for her condition are? My son lived with us until he was 29 free usually he is complex and suffers from depression but when I left my husband he had to fend for himself and has done with the aid of his lovely girlfriend and a job he loves I so appreciate your good luck wishes I send you the same it's not an easy life is it but with kind support a little easier Thank You x

Are the rows because one or both of you have irritating habits, or are the rows because one of you is disappointed the other is not the person she would like her to be?

Whether or not you move out to a bedsit it may feel to you and your mother a great pity you did not related better to each other. you will be sorry after she is dead.

Could you possibly tell her you are very sorry for your bad tempers which are due to your personal worries, and suggest you keep to your own room in her house when you are drunk?

Thank you all so much for each and every one of your posts Even the one hiding me for shouting at my Mum at my age you were right ! I am so grateful to you all I cant talk about this to my friends partly because I have none close by and also because they have lost theirs and think I am lucky mine is still alive as I do really. We just cant live together. To those who care in their own homes I think you are amazing it must be so hard and you cant just leave. However it is your own home I get told my home, my rules, ask if you want to change something,even if it is a huge improvement in comfort,cleanliness and ease of living lol. Anyway I am going to embrace my move turn my small space into a cosy retreat and it is a stones throw from the beach cant be bad. This is the first time I have posted Probably wont be the last and if I can be of any help to anyone else I am there I have lived a life less ordinary x

Sadly some Mums and daughters just do NOT mix well!

My daughter hs had to come home for serious MH Issues, she is 27 and I can see her festering in the bedroom upstairs forever now, we have had troubles since teenage years and it is very sad, but her behaviour because of the EUPD she has is horrendous and so difficult to live with. My BP has been rising steadily over the last year and I also have many other illnesses going on and I honestly feel that I will be lucky to hit 60 (58 shortly) Because of her moving in I have lost a great deal of my income and we are possibly going to have to move as a result. I feel as though the life I have left is going to be one of absolute bloody misery, more than it is at the moment - she isn't able to see a future for herself either which is terribly sad in one so young, and I do not know how to help her. Nearly everything she does and says is generally nasty and it is taking it's toll, it is awful for her too, don't get me wrong, it is her condition, but it is so difficult to show affection when you are constantly bombarded with what amounts to hatred as she sees me as causing it! It is horrible not having anything to look forward to, but I really haven't as I can't afford to do anything either dortie145 Good luck xx

The plans I'm talking about involve an open and honest discussion with family while the person is able. Up for discussion could be views re care at home/ residential setting. Also POA, wills, wishes.

And I will be having those conversations. The alternative is cruel.

greymar how have you planned for your extreme old age?

My MIL was fine and out walking every day, then suddenly due to a stroke , she wasn’t . She has Vascular Dementia.

The plan was that there was enough money, if she ever needed care, that somebody could be paid to live in and care for her.
Due to her mental condition, she refused to let anyone in except for her DD, who is in her 70s and in ill health.
All the plans unravelled, she is now in a nursing home, confused and scared and it’s distressing to see, she wants to go home , but the house has been sold to pay for her Nursing care.
In an ideal world we would all be able to make plans and be able to see them through.
Sometimes life jumps up and bites you.

You sound as if you could be similar personalities, drinking and shouting sounds awful especially as you are both old enough to have worked it out by now. Hopefully she won't need your help as she gets even older! I'm sure she would prefer a peaceful home as much as you would so no need to feel guilty.

How much longer do you think she is going to carry on being fit and healthy? She's 88 after all. You might move out and then find you need to move back in again. Is there any way you could split the house in two so that you can each have your own separate spaces which you obviously both need and then if a time does come when she needs more help you will be on hand?

I think it is selfish not to plan for extreme old age.

Hetty58 how true. Even befire my DM died one of my DDs said "I am sorry Mum but I could never look after you like you have looked after Nan". My reply was I will never want any of you to look after me. I didn't have children for that reason and I am sure my mother didn't have either. As much as I love my children I could never bear to be dependant on them or even live in their homes. It looks now as if the place I will end up is in a hospice if anywhere.

We’re between three 92 year old olds, adult children and grandchildren. Trying to fulfill everyone’s needs, the only time we can concentrate on us is when we’re on holiday. Luckily DH’s parents have three other sons living nearby.
Dortie145, try not to feel guilty, I know it’s easily said and less easy to actually not feel guilty, but you have a right to your life too. Your mother is still independent, enjoy your own life while you can, you don’t know what’s in the future.