Can never forgive

Thanks again. In answer to some questions,yes they are coming over from America for the wedding. My daughter has asked him to contribute financially, he said he might. His wife has said that if they need her to take the service she will as she is ordained ! That would definitely be the last straw for me and my daughter knows it ,so don't think that will happen.

Try to focus on positive things such as how far you’ve come, how you’ve made a new life for yourself, how you brought up your daughters alone... And remember that the Church is made up of ordinary people - they’re no better than anyone else. Try to rise above it all - and concentrate on enjoying your daughter’s day. I divorced 3 years ago after a very long marriage. It was my husband who betrayed me - and not just the once. He has to live with the guilt of his actions - which he chose. He’s married to the last woman he went off with and I happen to know that they moved area soon after the wedding. I’m proud of all that I’ve achieved since he left.

Jaffacake2 I can fully understand your bitterness, not only at the way you were treated by your ex and his new wife but also by the church. Just remember YOU ARE BETTER THAN THEM and nothing can change that.

She might want her dad to walk her down the aisle but he doesn't have to "give her away". My DH and I are still married but when our independent DD got married she refused to be given away, she adores her dad but insisted she was not his property. Instead he walked her down, I then joined them and the celebrant asked "who brings this woman to be married" and we both replied "we do".

Another thought - if you are arranging the seating plan for the reception your can stick your ex (and his wife) wherever you like!

Is he really going to walk her down the aisle when it was you who raised her? In this century it is quite usual for a girl's mother to do the aisle-walk. Or (as Meghan) to walk alone on the basis that she's not someone's property to be given away.

I hope it's a great day and yes, I'd find it hard to forgive a woman who was happy to go for a married man but it's long past and as others have said, it's your daughter's day. Good luck.

As humans we are weak and we are apt to fail just as your ex and his new wife have done. It's natural that you feel bitter and resentful - in all truth you probably want to rip her head off. Try to accept that this is going to be a tough day for you to get through, lean on your friends, confide in them about how you feel....on the day...smile, enjoy, and breathe....you can curse his sorry arse once you get home after the ceremony. Good luck.

Have a wonderful day.
Maybe make sure you have some photos taken without ex husband in the picture - perhaps explain beforehand to the photographer?

My husband walked out on my daughter and me when she was 3 and when she was arranging her wedding she asked me to give her away as her father was not involved in bringing her up and she didn't, therefore, feel that he should have that honour. I was so touched and proud of her.
So, Jaffacake2, if your ex has been out of your daughters life for so long, why don't you give her away?

Whenever I have had a forthcoming event I knew was going to be tense, I'd arrange something positive directly afterwards....perhaps, depending on the wedding/reception timing, you could do something. Are you involved at all with any of the wedding arrangements?

Jaffacake 2.
Me too and a great believer in fate so would give the x and wife a big smile with the knowledge that 'justice comes to those who wait'.!!!!!!!!!!

I would love to walk her up the aisle but don't want to ask her as she must make up her own decisions. It is hard for her because she went to visit him last year when he told her he had terminal cancer. He actually had bowel cancer which has been successfully treated. Lots of tears from him on that visit and she now feels sorry for him and is reconnecting with her father. I just smile with " that's lovely darling " but with my own thoughts.
My older daughter will be at the wedding with her children who he has never met as she has been estranged from him for last 12 years. So that's hard too.

I guess whoever pays for the wedding can arrange it how they like, who to invite . Marrying need not include any more than the officiant, two witnesses who can be two unknown people off the street, and the couple.

I'd be very angry and insulted if this happened to me .I think the best thing to move on is remember you have the right to feel angry and insulted. You have the moral high ground, and so as usually happens this superficial man and his even less authentic wife have more luck regarding the wedding.

I think you need not beat yourself up about forgiving anybody who has not done their utmost to repair the harm they did to you. You have been brave and good, so hang on to that and keep on being strong and cool.

Alexa
I guess whoever pays for the wedding can arrange it how they like, who to invite
I paid for my daughter's wedding and I most certainly did not arrange it or invite who I liked. What a strange idea.

Putting on a brave face for the day for the sake of your DD is one thing, but I am afraid if I was in your position I would have to draw the line at the offer of performing the marriage ceremony. The sheer hypocrisy of the woman who committed adultery with the Father of the Bride, standing there proclaiming your DD and SiL married in the eyes of God would be taking Christian forgiveness too far for me. Your DD is evidently a kind and caring person, and this is all due to you, not her Father, and maybe, if this ghastly two faced minister makes the offer again, you have to tell your DD how upsetting it would be for you.

@Jaffacake2

Don't, please, feel guilty about not being able to forgive. I am so grateful that I have never had to face this problem, but if I had I am sure I would never have forgiven my ex-husband or his new wife. You sound like a very strong and loving person, and you have so much to be proud of. You have got yourself through this horrible situation, and above all you have raised your lovely daughters.

As everyone else has said, go to the wedding, put on a fabulous outfit (never mind the cost, it will be worth it) and enjoy your day as mother of the bride. You are the second most important person there, make the most of it, and smile.

I note you say he 'MAY' be walking her down the aisle. I so hope she asks you instead. Either way, if you follow the tips given here, by those who know much better than me, then I'm sure you'll knock 'em dead. Remember not to outshine the bride though!!?

Carrying hate and unforgivness will only hurt you in the end. It will wear away at you. I've seen first hand (mother in law) how it can make you bitter. Hold your head up and smile through the day you feel better for it. ( my mum went through same) .

Disgraceful that you were asked to leave the church. That's like being punished for someone else's sins. Seems like the church had a strange set of values there and no respect for the sanctity of marriage. I agree there is plenty of hypocrisy going on, including on the part of the elders when their own son committed adultery. Sounds like you have acted with dignity and Christian goodness and always done the right thing. I don't blame you at all for how you're feeling as weddings are emotional times and bring up the past. It upset your mother too and so she was hurt which would have hurt you also. Perhaps the move to America was just as well. Maybe their church here put pressure on them to go elsewhere in the end? They won't be here for long after the wedding hopefully, so I guess you can hold things together for the big day. Good that you have vented here. I wonder if your ex is regretful about how he treated you and his children. His loss. You have much to be proud of and shown Christian charity. Hopefully, you will get to accompany your daughter down the aisle because that seems more appropriate to me. Have a wonderful day.

Jaffacake2 you must be so proud of the great job you've obviously done, bringing up your DD alone in that she wants her father to walk her down the isle. She seems to hold no bitterness or resentment towards her father, be proud of yourself as that will all be your doing as I'm sure there must have been many sad and difficult times to get thru. So look and feel fabulous on the big day, head high and keep smiling.

A similar thing happened to me only my ex left me and my two small children for my best friend who was also my business partner, so a triple whammy. I dreaded my DSs wedding because they were there but for my childrens' sake I acted with grace and politeness to them. Afterwards I found the pain and animosity I'd felt for so many years had gone and since then we've all been able to meet at family events (other weddings and christenings) with no problems. As your ex lives in the US this wont happen often of course. Life is too short to harbour resentment. My ex is now terminally ill and I am able to have much sympathy for his wife who is having to deal with that.

As others have said, you have done wonders bringing up your two daughters alone.

Have a lovely day and be sure you are seen to be having a lovely day.

I would hope that her ordination is as a result of having repented her behaviour. Missfoodlove sums it up beautifully

I am afraid I would blame both the ex-partner and his wife. He was a rat and she knew that she was having an affair with a married man, who was betraying his family. I suppose she may have repented before being ordained, but she should have apologised to you in the process. Seems a bit of a hypocrite.

I also feel that the vicar deserved a kick up the bum for asking you to leave. If her parents were embarrassed, they should have left.

Having said that, you should go through the wedding with your head held high. You are the one who raised the bride and made her into the person that she is today. She may have built bridges with her dad but she knows that you were the one who was always there for her. When you see your ex and his wife, be gracious and remember - you got rid of the rat, she is stuck with him. He cheated on you with her, so can she be sure that he has never cheated on her?

Hope you have a lovely time at the wedding.

Dylant1234

I hope he’s donated generously, if not entirely, for his daughter’s wedding! I’d be tempted to pretend to be just a bit tipsy at one point and go round introducing them to all and sundry as “my ex husband and the woman he ran off with, but we’re all friends now aren’t we darling?”. Best if bride and groom have already left the wedding party ?

Brilliant! Exactly what I'd do. "... but we're all adultery now, aren't we, darling - I mean adults - or did I mean adultery?"

My view is that a father, who had nothing to do with his daughter, either emotionally or financially, during her formative years, has no right to walk her up the aisle. That's the job of a parent, and he hasn't been her parent.

I hated having to attend the weddings of my 2 sons, because 'he' was there with his new wife. I was and am single, 20 years after divorce....my choice ofcourse. I'm glad I won't have to attend anymore weddings....I'll either be well gone before any of my little grandchildren get married, or too old to care ?

Forgiving is not forgetting. It's remembering, and letting go.