How do you forgive?

I think the suggestion of couple's counselling is a good one as it will enable you to express how you feel in an environment that you and your H would regard as 'safe' and 'controlled'.

If your H agrees to couple's counselling you need to be prepared for the possibility that he may have his own disappointments to express, regarding his relationship with his mum, her illness and death and his relationship with you.

Writing everything you feel in a letter is another good idea and I would suggest writing a letter to your deceased m.i.l. and your H as it's not just your m.i.l.'s behaviour you have an issue with.

Your H has apologised and explained how his mother's terminal illness affected his decision making. He can't go back and change the past anymore than you can.

You posted "we are finally free" but you're not and neither of you will be if you allow the past to encroach on your future.

I hope you can find a way to put this all behind you.

I absolutely understand your anger and disappointment. I think anger is a healthy emotion but if it's carried around all the time.

If something reminds me of my late and ghastly mother in law I can become very angry indeed. Forgiving her is impossible for me.

We divorced years ago so I don't live in your situation. I think talking about it as much as possible might help rather than having it fester. All the best to you.

I agree with much that has been said today. I put up with the meanness and jealous attitudes of my MIL and her daughters for thirty years with my DH watching on the side lines hoping I could defend my self. Not once did he stop it. As my children grow up they were horrified at their grandmother's mean mouth and refused to see her. I always said if I had know what his family were like I would never had married him, but then you don't marry his family do you?
When MiL died, my Sil took her place but thankfully my DH did make a stand and said he had to put up with his mother's behaviour but he is not going to stand for any more, its just a pity he didn't do that in the first place.
After 47 years of marriage all is calm although I am still careful what I say to my Sil in case it is used against me.
I often wonder what on earth it was that all about, what did MiL gain by being so spiteful. The answer as I see it, was nothing. She drove everyone all away, DH's siblings marriages did not survive, and none of her 8 grandchildren wanted to know her, she died a lonely bitter women.

Now my own children are married and I am the MiL, I learnt a valuable lesson from my MiL, never to be like her. I make sure my children's partners are all treated the same, with love and respect. After all they are loved by my children and grandchildren and what more can you ask for. I am very gratefully for the love they give me and my DH.

Good advice wildswan16.

You don’t have to forgive, and you don’t have to look back on it all. Just leave it behind. Start with where you are now, and work towards what you want going forwards.

Just read Freya’s post and it hit a chord with me also. I tried for years to be the dil she wanted me to be but all she wanted was to be in control in the end she had her son and grandsons all against her they used to dread a visit and in later years she was frail and I had to beg my sons to visit her. Still trying to do the right thing right till the end. It still saddens me of the lost years we could have been so close. Also the arguments with my husband he never ever speaks about her now she’s gone. So sad for all concerned.

Hi 'Fridayiscoming'. I read your post with interest and I thought I would chip in with a different perspective which you might find helpful. In my relationship, the boot is on the other foot - I come from a very dysfunctional background and my DH has had to put up with me being torn between him and my parents and also with the huge guilt that people in my situation tend to carry internally. The problem is that a lot of our responses are learnt behaviour that are instilled in us 'pre-speech', that is, when we were too young to have even put a label on them. If we are born into a family where stuff is going on around us right from the get go we just absorb it - just like any other infant, it is the very warp and weft of our upbringing and invades even the very basic habits of everyday life. This sort of learnt behaviour is very much in our subconscious and, even though I have as an adult learned to pause, recognise it and respond with logic rather than emotions, I have not yet (at 62) learnt to fully get rid of the internal baggage - not least, the guilt. My mother is now deceased and I still struggle with guilt although it is receding because no new incidents are being added to the pile. My father is still with us and this is still a cause for consternation for me. My DH has been really patient over the 40 years we have been married, but it has also made him (understandably) angry at times. However, we have come to realise that he also has his own different kind of baggage - we all do. He bears with me and I bear with him and we compromise when necessary and always have each others backs. He has long since understood that my behaviour is not aimed as any sort of personal slight or attack at him, rather that it is with the frustration of the situation and the inner turmoil it has caused. Most of the argy bargy goes on within my own self - you would probably be surprised if you could hear the internal dialogue of people who have been raised in such families, most of us have low self-esteem and are self-haters regardless of the front we put on. My DH is the love of my life and my best friend, I would be mortified if either us expected the other to keep paying for things that have happened in the past. Each day brings new opportunities and I think it is not healthy to keep dwelling too much on the past. If you asked your DH what went on inside him during those years with your MIL's input, you would probably be moved with compassion for the suffering and inner turmoil he has chosen to hide from you - I would bet that what you have observed and experienced is only the tip of the iceberg. Imagine how it might add to his internal guilt etc if he knows that this is still causing you problems - he can't go back and erase anything and will have no way of putting the things that have happened in the past right. In your posts it is clear that you really love your DH - see if you can make a conscious decision to draw a line under the past for both your sakes and move on together with a new understanding. I have never written about this before as it is a very painful and private part of my life, but I hope it provides a glimpse of the other side of the coin. I wish you both all the very best x

What parts of your presents and futures be ruined if you hang on to something that happened and cannot be changed? I had a very long, drawn out and bitter divorce. I remember the hurts but realised if I held on to grudges against exDH our children and grandchildren’s gatherings would be ruined. I believe that by putting ACs and GCs first has led us to a situation where we are quite fond of each other in a way that was lost in the divorce

When I do think back now, I (eventually) have peace of mind.

The person who upset and hurt me is long gone. They were weak, very damaged and mentally unwell - not really evil or deliberately cruel. I can pity them.

Other family members remember things differently (with rose tinted glasses and selective memory, they recall an idyllic childhood and deny there was ever a problem). I also allocate them sympathy. They deserve it.

Fridayiscoming, I have found it helpful for forgiving to remember that people behave as they did because it seemed right to them at the time. However people change in their attitudes towards others. Your husband may have changed.

I'd want to ask him if he would behave again as he did then, knowing how he hurt you.

Good grief the competiveness and hatred of other women is despairing. You both loved the same man in different ways. My mil did some ghastly things but she was a young mum and in her way did her best. I was not the ideal dil. I can see that. We sung from different song sheets. Men often marry women who will not get on with their mothers. A kind of passive aggressiveness where they are always the sought after, and the most important women in their lives never gang up. Just be kinder to your sex.

grannygranby, when kindness is out of the question (along with forgiveness) we can try, at least, to be polite. That was quite challenging enough for me.

Along with pity, we can view them with amusement and have a great big laugh about them (but not in their presence, of course). If you can't change things - you can always change your attitude!

You can't. It's simple. Acceptance is a very hard lesson to learn.

FridayIsComing, you ask why do you hold on in such a damaging way. It really is all about forgiveness. A long time ago, a wise old lady told me that forgiveness is a decision, not a feeling. You don't have to FEEL that you have forgiven. It really doesn't matter if you think you can't forgive because that is a feeling. But you are certainly capable of making the decision, inspite of how you feel. Then, the other person no longer gets to choose how you do feel. Only you can allow that.
Many posters have given excellent advice and insight. I hope you will be able to take these into the future.

I read your post whilst listening to The Reunion, concerning patients and staff involved in the fight against covid in intensive care. That is real tragedy.
You have a choice.
Your mother in law is no longer with, you have a husband who loves you, a healthy child, a home and a future if you choose to take it.
Or, you can continue allowing your resentment of your husband's family to fester, fuelling it now with jealousy of your sister in law.

I know all about in-law problems; my father's mother was a destructive influence on his marriage both emotionally and financially until she died aged 94; my own father in law set out to prevent, then destroy my marriage, he succeeded, and also that of his daughter.
I survived, and I don't dwell on it, not then and not now. It is self-destructive, and I was also too busy earning a living and bringing up two children without any help. Have you considered the alternative if your marriage breaks down?

You have to let go of your feelings and concentrate on the future, as so many people have advised you, now and in your previous posts.

I understand it is difficult - but by not letting go of these feelings you are allowing her to continue to hurt you and cause you unhappiness

You don't have to forgive her, just not allow her to hurt you anymore. Whenever you start remembering her hurtful comments and actions - say to yourself (or out loud), "I will not allow you to spoil my life - you are of no importance to me"

@Fridayiscoming something I learned recently and is very helpful. Today your having a bad day. I explain it to others that I'm having a battle with my mind day. Allow it, take in the feelings let them be whatever it is your feeling just allow it. Then start afresh the next day. Please don't beat yourself up, you bottled this up for a long time is how it sounds. Release it, be angry, be mad, be sad but then brush yourself down and say I forgive you, I don't need to understand why to forgive you. Hope that helps xx

How long ago did your MIL die?

If her death is still quite recent, I do not think you can expect these justified feelings to just have gone away. It takes time.

However, you are harming yourself and your husband, or at least might be, by hanging on to your resentment. You need someone, preferrably a qualified therapist, to discuss this with and help you let your resentment go.

If you shy away from professional help, try going for a walk in a secluded place and speak your resentment aloud to your MIL and to your husband as if they were there.

Don't hold back, be as rude and say as many hurtful things as you like - there is only you there to hear what you say.

This may sound silly, but it does help.

Writing it all down in a letter, then burning it, or tearing it into little pieces helps too.

We are only human and it’s normal for us to experience feelings such as you do in response to hurt you felt and still feel, but I think that Mumofmadboys is right.

It’s not easy but will ease if you try and think of the good things as she suggested. When I have difficulty thinking compassionately about others who have hurt me, I try and visualise them as a small, innocent child, before they developed unkind traits.

Life is so short and feelings are transitory, we can only manage what is happening in the present, without constantly torturing ourselves about the past or what may happen in the future.

Forgiveness will in turn make you feel better, and small steps help. I know it’s not easy.

Thought I was the only one with issues and feelings like this.
It’s kind of helpful to know I’m not.

I think it is quite normal to have wobbles when someone has been through something like this. Your hurt was experienced over a long period of time and that won't disappear easily. Your BIL's stance has highlighted what your husband didn't give you at a time when life has shut down by this pandemic so you don't have the normal living with which to distract yourself.
I wonder whether your DH might have been stronger if his Brother had been strong at the same time as your MIL was alive. I have a very similar mother to your MIL and it is much easier to stand up to someone when you have wider support within the family. It is one thing to stand up to one person but completely another to stand up to an entire family. The sad thing is, judging by the way the rest of the family are acting now, it sounds like they all wanted the same thing as you.
Your husband is the product of his environment and upbringing which is terribly difficult to break free from. I think he probably deserves pity rather than a beating. I would second a suggestion that couples counselling may well help you both explore your feelings and help you understand each other.
For the time being, try to focus on the good bits of your marriage and not on "what if this happens again" problems. The same man you resent for the past, is the same man who probably allows you to be as you want to be rather than trying to bend you to his will. If you took away the affects of the oppression of his mother, you'd probably take away some of the bits you really love. You can only heave a sigh of relief that he seems to see the error of his ways and trust that he will have your back in the future. Maybe discussions about how things could have been handled in the past could be useful to give him the tools to cope with conflict but probably best done with a professional.

FutureLearn offer a mindfulness course (presented on video) run by two academics from Monash University in Australia. They are such down to earth, cheerful guys and the course is readily accessible to all levels. There are no exams, you can go at your own pace and it's free. It teaches the futility of ruminating and worrying, simple relaxation techniques and how to live in the moment.

Fridayiscoming I'm not saying it's easy but perhaps you need to accept that we are all flawed and your late mother-in-law was badly flawed, maybe as a result of her own upbringing and experience. She exercised her influence over your husband in his most vulnerable years. The way she treated you was very wrong but it's behind you now. Forgive her, forgive your husband and explore that course (if it's still being offered). Let it go. Don't feed it. You'll feel better.

Maybe invest in some counselling to help you deal with these feelings?

I often find myself dredging up past hurts and have learnt to tell myself, quite sharply, to just stop it and forget it. I often use a gesture with my two hands as if I’m drawing a line under my thoughts along with telling myself to stop. It’s been a really successful strategy for me.
Another thing you could do is to put all your thoughts in writing then rip it up and bin it. Sometimes the very act of putting pen to paper clears your mind.
I haven’t read the thread so don’t know if anyone else has given you these kinds of ideas to try.
I wouldn’t let bad memories chew up your marriage, he sounds like a caring man who was torn in all directions by circumstances and we need to live in the “now”, not tomorrow or yesterday, but “now, today”. I wish you a Happy and Peaceful New Year.

Forgive yourself for feeling this way... your hard on yourself.. also give yourself time ❤️