Do I move or do I stay?

This is a hard one and I think it depends on the kind of person you are. We moved here in 2007 to be near my son and his wife when they were expecting their first child, at their suggestion. Like janan I have found it hard leaving close friends behind and making new ones gets harder as you get older. A family tragedy nearly destroyed us but thank goodness we were close by to help each other. Now we are rebuilding our lives and the loss of friends is compensated by the close relationship we have with our grandchildren and the chance to be such a big part of their lives. I'd say go for it.

Alison I should have made myself more clear. I am sure that the move I have made is the right one, and I will stay here.
When I said everything is OK for now I meant, that the tenants in my place are happy and settled and I suppose I can't be bothered to go through all the stress and aggro involved in buying and selling houses. I will do it eventually but just now I have other things to deal with and the time is not right. I just think that the right time will present itself and then it will happen.

glitabo keeping your options open seems like a good idea to me. Waiting until you are absolutely sure must be right.

Good point Alison
I have tenants in my house and I rent one here.
Now I know that it works well I may go about selling my own house and buying one here. But everything is OK as it is for now.

For all of you who are considering moving I would strongly suggest, as others already have, that you rent first.

We moved here 3 years ago when we retired and have no regrets at all, even though we are not near our GSs. I think it was easier for us than for many as we had moved around a lot due to DH's job so were used to it. It must be much harder if you have lived in one place for a long time as one tends to think that people are the same wherever you are. They are not! Here in Malvern everyone is very friendly and it is really easy to get to know people but I never did really get to know many people outside work when I was living just inside the M25. People in big cities are always rushing around and don't have the time to stop and be friendly like they do in more rural areas so beware if you come from the countryside and are considering moving to a city. You many find it a culture shock. On the other hand you may love being so close to everything and having good transport. Again, I think you should rent.

Good luck whatever you decide.

I was living on my own about 160 miles away from DS1. DS2 lives in Ireland. I moved house 2 years ago to be near DS1, DDiL and 4 GC. I do not regret it one bit. I live near enough for older GC to pop in and also for me to do an emergency school pick up if necessary, but I am far enough away not to be interfering.
When I moved here I made a decision to have a life outside of the family group and I joined the WI and U3A. I have made a few friends and I am very busy. I love being near the GC. I spend special times with them all but in different ways. I cannot live nearer to DS2. Ireland is not big enough for both me and my ex to co-exist.
DS2 is glad that I am near DS1 as he knows I am OK when I am with them.
I do help out but it is not all give on my part. Shortly after I moved here I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Everyone in the family was able to handle this much better because I was near so much support and love.
I would say to anyone who is contemplating this, that it is a good move to make, BUT there does need to be some ground rules and mutual respect for each others space and way of doing things.
Good luck.

Follow your heart kat but also think about practical things like the ability of your good friends to continue to be able to look after you. Could you live more comfortably with your daughter? Can you keep in touch with your friends if you move? I hope it works out well for you

My heart would almost certainly win over my head...if I were in your shoes, so to speak. I would start afresh...live as close as you need to be to those you love. You will retain your independent spirit. In fact, you would be super-charging it. New horizons! New challenges! New experiences! Go for it...

Go for it Kat and let them be a comfort to you. If they decide to move on they can take you with them

Hello kat I would move near your family, bloods thicker than water my Mum used to say and it is true. I am hoping to move near my son and daughter soon. Hope all works out good for you.

I am am eighty year old lady living in Dorset in a shelterd bungalow , my husband died just before christmas, its just me and my small Yorkshire terrier,
my daughter lives in Roscommon in Ireland with her husband and Grandaughter.
They all want me to move over there, what do you think, i have good friends that watch over me here but i am lonely .

Yes, the message is definitely 'don't wait till it is too late'. When FiL died, MiL thought about moving nearer to us (DH is an only child) but was persuaded against it as she had such a good and supportive social circle. For years this seemed like a good decision, but when she began to get frail DH spent more than half his time staying with her (she lived in Ireland) and the responsibility took a terrible toll on him. At that point she decided it would be a good idea to move over here but it was far too late for all sorts of reasons.

Now I understand what gransnet is all about. I never expected that so many other grans had a dilemma similar to myself and were prepared to share their experiences and thoughts. It is heartwarming!

From reading through the messages the theme seems to be - if you are going to move do it before it is too late. And do it with your eyes open. This makes sense as I know from my own experience of my parents. As old age and infirmity sets in then it is the next generation who are burdened by long distance travelling.

So all I have to do is improve the economy so that houses begin to sell again. Tricky!

I am a bit like Dolphin. I have so many memories of my life here that it is hard to contemplate moving from the house. But my partner of 37 years has left me for a younger woman My son lives nearby but my daughter is resident in Australia. I don't think that I can move to be near either and I do have my friends and social life here. I am interested in hering from people who feel that they should have moved when they were fit and before they began to feel old age creeping on. Jesse

Have just found this forum and felt I had to comment. I moved to be near family 7 years ago at the age of 58. While I love being near them and GC and volunteer in a local Charity Shop I have never made the close friendships that I left behind. I still holiday with 3 friends several times a year and we meet regularly ( they are only an hour away) and that's fine now but I do wonder what will happen when we can't drive or become infirm.
Friends are so important, and you can't beat old friends who share history with you. The dilemma is always there between family and friends. Some time ago I thought about moving back but my 'heart' told me to stay close to family. It appears I am not alone in this dilemma and the forum has helped to understand that what I feel is a very common problem for us Nans.

Fragmented families (I've even written a poem on the subject) have been a preoccupation of mine for most of my adult life ever since I left a close knit family and became educated and moved away. I yearned for day to day family contact rather than having to go and stay for weekends.
When you are a relatively young grandparent the family might enjoy coming for weekend visits and holidays, but once the ravages of age set in, the trips to see grandma become a chore.
So, we have decided to sell up and move, from a country house with lots of garden and distant views, to Central London in order to be close to our family. The problem is the cost of housing there and would we be happy living in a tiny house or a flat. Life with all it's options is never easy, but family is the most important. We need to make these moves before we become too old. How often do you hear older people saying that they should have moved years ago but they have left it too late. Gather ye rosebuds.....

I think it can be tough on your family if you move to be near them and then they want to move. It needs to be clear that they are not under any obligation to stay near you. Having said that, I moved to London (rented for a year before buying) - but only from Surrey so I can maintain contacts there including one of my DDs and her family. My main reason for moving was that I wanted to go 'back to my roots', South London has always felt like home and I decided if I dithered any longer I would be too old to make the move and would regret it (I was 67 when I moved).

An incidental bonus of moving here is that another of my DDs and her delightful family are round the corner which is more lovely than I would have imagined. And another is not far away. I have made it very clear that they must feel free to move away if they want to without feeling under obligation to stay near me. But I have to say that I fear I will be devastated if they do, despite the fact that I have plenty to do and loving being near theatres etc. I'll get over it of course but I really hope they don't.

Maybe the benefits of having Gran close and the enjoyment my daughter has in seeing their relationship with me develop will be a factor in their decision if it ever comes but I don't want them to be afraid of upsetting me if they need to find pastures new.

I suppose I could go and live in Qatar to be near my oldest DS - but he is sure to move on and I don't like the place. Better stay here I think!!

It is not an easy decision to make. My friend had a similar problem and just as she was about to consider seriously, a move to her only son and two grandchildren, he lost his job and has now moved abroad. Needless to say, she has decided to stay put!

Our 14 grandchildren live in various parts of the country and 2 live abroad, so the decision to stay where we are is easy. We can't be near all of them!

Good luck and all the best whatever you decide.

in 2007,at the age of 65, I went through three of the most stressful life-events (allegedly) - I divorced, I retired and I moved house, to be nearer to my daughter, partner and 2 GDs. I have to say I haven't regretted any of it (with crossed fingers ).
with a positive attitude, close (but not claustophobic) family contact, joining activities you love, and relishing all social encounters, I think it is possible to make a fresh life without cutting all ties with the old one. I made some lovely new friends/acquaintances by joining a language class, and being a real part of my family's everyday life is a joy.
I can now say that even if my family were to move away, I'd be more than happy to stay in cardiff - city living offers so many possibilities. maybe I've been lucky (I do count my blessings, believe me ), or maybe the welsh in cardiff are super-friendly !
the ' rent-it-and-see ' option is a great idea, as long as you give it enough time to see if it sticks.

Hi. As a "child" living 250 miles from my mother, I just couldn't do the round trip every month, and it was so far if anything happened to her and she needed me quickly. She was 93 when I forcibly kidnapped her, and I felt awful doing it but as I am an only child, felt I had no choice. She was becoming a nuisance to her friends and they were phoning me up constantly complaining - she'd phone for someone to get her a jar of coffee when she already had 3 jars in the cupboard, and that sort of thing. If anyone visited, she'd get out the best china, lay on a sumptuous tea and entertain them royally but then they couldn't get away. I suggested a home for her nearby, I researched live-in carers, I showed her round a home up north near me, but she had excuses why nothing was right at that particular stage. I understand she had her friends but she was beginning to abuse friendships and she couldn't see it. Indeed, she'd get hurt if I suggested this to be the case. As far as I was concerned, I felt it grossly unfair on me as well, with the long distance travelling and emotionally I did feel she didn't want to be near me - or rather - that she'd prefer to be with her friends than me and my family.

After she'd been up north for a year and her house left standing empty all that time, I went down - still monthly - to clear the house which took about 6 months, and sell it which was horrible, because she was still alive and I felt like I was pulling her life out from under her.

I will not put my children in that position, and I'll make sure I live within easy distance of them. I'm clearing my house too, so they have minimal work and emotional drag. Life's about relationships, not "stuff" .

We had this decision to make 6-7 years agoo, but in many ways it was easier for us as three of our four chidren had finished up living in the same village, but the other side of the country. We had been thinking of moving from our home at the far end of Cornwall, which we loved, to somewhere more convenient for visiting all members of the family, but they suggested that it made more sense for us to move into the same village, and our fourth 'child' was quite happy with this, as it would give her somewhere to stay for visits to us all.
It has worked out well. Being close is so handy for baby-sitting; parties; barbecues, and there is always someone around to look after pets while their owners are away (though this summer has produced some tight scheduling).
More importantly, when my husband had a serious illness, the practical help and moral support were invaluable. I would have hated to have faced that on my own.
Snags? Well, we do miss Cornwall and the countryside, and our larger house, but this was something we enjoyed in its time. We are lucky in that we all get on well together, and the grandchildren are a delight. We get unstinting help with odd jobs, and computer problems, and are kept fairly up-to-date. I would not like to live here on our own, but people are more important than places.
I would say it is good to do it as soon as possible. Moving home after 20 years is not easy, and better done while you are fitter. The younger company will help delay decrepitude - I have even gone back to cycling, not done since a teenager, and am now 'granny on a bike'.

I moved just over a year ago to be nearer family. I agree with Iona, find something to do which does not depend on the family and use a 'hands off' approach. I am here for my son and daughter-in-law and my grandson but only when they need me. I volunteer at a local National Trust property and have joined a local Probus group. My brother and his wife live a few miles away so I see them quite often, plus we have a mutually convenient dog sitting arrangement. My dog keeps me active and I meet quite a few people walking her. I keep in touch with friends using Skype and the occasional trip back to my old haunts. My other 2 bachelor sons visit regularly. I am very glad I moved when I did.

Moving to somewhere quite different is quite hard going at any time and harder still when you're getting on. I imagine it is particularly difficult if you are on your own. My only daughter and her four children live in New Zealand – just about as far away as it's possible to go. Indeed if you went any further, you'd be coming back. That is not the reason why she lives there. In fact, she, her husband and the littles are desperate for absentgrana to become presentgrana. Mr absent and I are anxiously awaiting to hear whether we have been granted a residency visa. When we go (and I will not contemplate the prospect of the visa being refused) it will be a huge upheaval. We moved to the North-east from London, where I had lived for nearly 60 years and my husband for nearly 40, about 18 months ago. This has proved to be a good trial run – though that wasn't why we moved. He has family here (lovely people) but we had no friends here. However, we feel very much at home and happy here and I shall actually be sorry to leave, but shall feel confident about building a new life, making new friends and being part of a new community the other side of the world.

I think the idea of renting for a little while will do the same thing for you. That or convince you that you would be better staying where you are. Either way, you have your answer without doing anything irrevocable.

I am delighted to read all your views because this is occupying my thoughts a great deal. My only daughter is about a hundred miles away with my one, so far, granddaughter and I am in London. I was widowed last year and live in a 4 bedroom house on my own. BUT I have very many friends and social activities here and am reluctant to have to start again. BUT number 2 - my daughter and partner live in a very, very small flat and can't afford to move to something larger. IF I sold up and moved to be near them, with the prices of London houses, I would be able to buy myself a reasonable flat and free up money for my daughter and co to buy a house. More BUTs - my daughter still has many London friends and they all come up quite often so where would they stay if I moved nearer them. Another difficulty - I have become disabled and because of my immobility it could be harder to make new friends and develop new social activities in a new environment. So I am in a quandary -almost every day I change my mind about making any sort of decision. We have lived here for over 36 years and I have so many memories of our time together in this house, and now my husband is no longer here I am reluctant to lose all that past by moving.
At the moment they come here quite often but I can't go to stay with them because the flat is too small and it would be difficult because of my mobility. I can't afford to go and stay in hotels.
I shall look forward to continuing to follow this thread to learn about all your dilemmas and solutions. Thankyou for starting such a relevant thread.

I did it three years ago. I have a married son and a married daughter living round here so I moved to be near - but not too near. I made the conscious decision not to rely on them for new friends. I bought myself a show dog - the best thing I ever did! I have met people through dog club and shows and I also have to walk them every day which keeps me fit. I say "them" - I now have 7. I only just have time for the grandchildren!