Do we ever stop worrying?

Yill he may have been fired and does not want to tell you.

That's something i hadnt thought of.

Good post JessM. I agree it's a difficult time to be parents, with lots of things to worry about, usually to do with money, or lack of it.

I often find myself caught in the 'what if' syndrome of anxiety, usually what if they lose their jobs and can't pay their enormous rent.

Reading the posts since my last one I am struck by what stansgran said and think she is right. When DS came to stay with us we made it a condition that he cleaned the bathrooms and loos and also cook twice a week. I think it made him feel he had some use.

I agree with Mey as this is exactly what happened with my friends 20 year old GS. He was fired and didn't want to admit it.

I do feel that to sit down with him calmly but firmly and tell him how it is for you would be a good thing. However, if he is still taking drugs then he probably won't listen and may well agree with everything you say and ignore it all.

Ylil I agree with Grannyknot that you need to make your son realise the impact his rudeness has on you - how it makes you feel. When people are caught up in their own misery, they have little or no idea of what they are doing to those around them, and when they realise, that can be the first step in changing their behaviour.
The rudeness is a separate issue from the job thing - I think there is little you can do about that . He is obviously aware of the benefit of having a job but something must have happened to outweigh that. I hope that he does get paid for what he has done so far, and that the employer re-imburses him for the expense of using his own car. If he earned enough, that would certainly be a tax-deductible expense, but it doesn't sound as though he will have to pay any tax.
I have 3 DCs and two of them are easy to talk to and discuss things with. The other one operates on a 'need to know' basis and trying to talk to her about things she doesn't want to talk about just makes things worse, so I have learned to try not to worry, and wait for her to come to me.

Ylil You are going through a very difficult time with your son. I wonder, is he sufferring from depression? If so, he needs help to get himself back on track. Good wishes

How many of us had parents who would put up with what many parents on here are going through.
Sometimes there is a case for tough love. I never had the type of parents that you could go to. But when I look back, it has stood me in good stead.
I think the best ( and probably the only) advice my Mother gave me was: you come in on your own and you go out on your own.

We tried tough love..........it gave us even more problems.

If we try and talk to him, it ends up with us getting upset and stressed, tbh we can't be bothered to confront him, I know it's a cop out, but I,m 62, my husband is 70, we don't need the aggravation.

At the end of the day, he is attending college, he has applied to uni when this year ends, ifnhenwantsnto move out, he has to get a p/t job, otherwise he has to live at home.

We live in a bungalow, he has a bedroom and shower room in the attic conversion, he will walk the dog for us, we don't need to see him that often.

petra you are so right, it does stand you in good stead,my Mum was the same as was her Father before her, it does make you a more capable strong person and gives you a fire in your belly we all need going through life.

Mey, Petra

We tried tough love years ago and recently,and I can say with all honesty in some cases, it doesn't work.

Do you have any idea of what happened at work? Was he in fact sacked - which is why he won't go back and why he is economical for detail. Is there a way you could send a friend there and say something like 'where is that nice young man who worked here?' or something to that effect and see what happens. Or go and ask yourself - as he won't go back he will never know.

Simple answer, no you will always worry about your children, all you can do is be there when they need you, and let them know they are loved.

best advice I ever had, is never acknowledge bad behaviours ( any attention is attention) and always catch your children being good - even as adults... make everything a positive comment, i.e' I dont think of you as a dirty person so cant understand why you left you dirty underpants in the middle of the room' - my ( then ) teenage sons thought I was mad when I started this approach - but it worked !

You have heard my story of my daughter,but I have never mentioned the problem I had with my son.
He started smoking cannabis at the age of 14.
He didn't do well at school,that is if he went,his jobs where all low paid,didn't last long and we had long periods of unemployment,where he slept all day,and was out all night with cannabis smoking friends,and hanging around with friends that dealt as we'll not only cannabis but whizz,Charlie,E's,and was drinking heavily,girlfriends came and went.His father and I both worked and supported him,whilst trying to boost his self esteem,I would drive him 25miles to work do a full days work and return to pick him at the end of the day,to make sure beheld down his job.Then we started on the rave scene and weekends where booze and drug filled with all sorts of drugs,the only one he hadn't taken was heroin,all this up to the age of 27,by this time his dad and I had parted and he went to live in Birmingham with his dad and partner to clean up his act hold down a job and to distance himself from the crowd he was with.
From that point he met a girl,they where together,he had his own flat,they married unfortunately due to her severe health problems they have separated ,he has been on my sofa for 8months but has turned his life around hehas found a good job where we live 150 miles from where he lived,just started renting a house ,rarely drinks,and is clean,he is now 30,do I still worry of course I do,and now I am starting with E who is 14 in a few days will I worry of course I will ,just as I have every day since She has been with mexxxxx
Ylil I can empathise with you,all of a sudden my son changed,I used to lay awake at night worrying,I hope your son does alsoxxxxxxlove nellie

Thank you for your very honest post Nellie, it's some comfort to hear how other young people have come good. My son has come a long way already from his days of heavy cannabis use, he is at least attending college and not missing any days there. Ever since he left school my friends have said 'he'll sort himself out' and eleven years later he did agree to go back to college. Nine of my friends have had this problem so in a way, it's good too hear he's not unique.

Fingers crossed for you ylilxx

Thank you........and I hope E doesn't give you worries.

You have my respect, NellieSmol