How soon is too soon?

If you ask the couple to find local accommodation for you, you may even find that the other grandparents invite you to stay with them! That might work as long as you could visit the baby on your own rather than them always being there too.

Sal the other grandparents are divorced so I don't know what the situation is like there unfortunately. But that could of worked

Gosh ... how we mums, particularly of the boys, tread on eggshells!

As others have suggested, maybe it would be best if you could stay locally in an hotel?

Ingram, very similar to me! Yes it's like walking on eggshells with DILs, damned if you do, damned if you don't!

When my daughter had her second baby she wanted me to go and stay with her to help out when she arrived home from hospital, and my husband and son wanted to come too. Her husband is not exactly helpful around the house, or with their son, and she knew that either she would be getting stressed with him or be struggling, after a caesarean, to try to do it all herself.

So we went down and stayed in a B&B. I shopped before we arrived each day, did the washing, made meals and my males kept my grandson out of the way while SiL played on his Xbox. My daughter was very grateful, but on day 3 SiL had a bit of a wobbly and said that he wanted his family to himself. My daughter was very upset - when she had their son her MiL had stayed for weeks and had barely allowed me near to the baby! She wanted me to stay and said that he would get over it, but I decided that we had better cut the week short and leave the next day, rather than cause them to row with each other.

I still feel a bit resentful, but better that than cause huge rifts in all directions. They come up to stay with us for a week at a time three times a year, so I was surprised at his not wanting us there. I preferred being in a B&B, I'm sure we got far more sleep than we would have done if we had stayed with them.

I must have a look for the past threads, it was very upsetting at the time but now I think it was all down to SiL's tiredness and his just wanting things to get back to normal.

this thread makes me realise how lucky I have been with my DGCs! I saw number one born, number two a few hours after his birth, number three a couple of days after (I was in hospital at the time) and no. four an hour or so after! But there again did not have to travel far so the staying issue did not arise & that must make a difference to just popping in for half an hour at a time.

I think I echo the advice of going after a couple of weeks of the baby's birth and maybe staying nearby. That way the baby shock will have happened and they will be pleased for an extra pair of hands to prepare a meal, tidy up, hang out the washing , take baby out ( or just stare at it!!) so they can sleep etc etc..but take the lead from them!

Don't generalise about DiLs. Please.

I'm sure you'll be more then welcome to go at any time - afterall they'll want to show their new baby off to you as well as the other g/parents. Whilst the parents are dealing with their new baby you'll be able to cook and clean for them, take the baby for a walk in its pram whilst mum catches up on her sleep. Something we all do here and would be perfectly ok there.

I can totally relate to how you are feeling tanith. Our GD was born in Taiwan, she was 10 weeks early, born in the August and we did not go out to see her until the October when she was about 7 weeks old. We felt it best to leave it a while even though we were desperate to see her. It was love at first sight on meeting our beautiful Grace. We did not know our DL very well but she's a lovely girl. We stayed in a nearby hotel but spent as much time as we could with GD without getting in the way (Ithink!) However if funds do not stretch to a hotel you could maybe stay with them, help out as much as you can but also take some time out for just you and baby. I'm sure it will be fine and the only hard bit will be saying goodbye to the little bundle when you leave.

Thanks everyone for the kind words and advice I've taken it all on board and will speak to them about my concerns... I'm sure everything will work out fine...
I won't be able to get on the plane home without shedding a tear I'm quite sure of that..

I'm feeling quite honoured today.
Dd was describing how DGD got jealous when she was cuddling a friends newborn.
I asked her if she wanted me to come up to stay this time when her new baby comes oct/nov and she said yes please that would help.
I suspect I'm going to be there to stop DGD feeling neglected but that's fine!
I can't run around a lot but can entertain my little darling.

It's a lovely feeling to be needed. One GC was born in the US and we stayed in a fa ntastic brownstone boarding house with our own kitchen and bathroom ,more like a beds it really. Three GCs later I've either rented holiday flats or stayed in B&Bs. Only once have I stayed on site and I really felt shattered as I had as little sleep as the mum but was also doing all the washing and cooking. I generally waited until paternity leave was over in the UK

I think the idea of living "off site" is a good one- or at least go for a short visit, go away again (if you can) for a couple of days to give them breathing space, go back again for another short visit (you will have an idea of how the land lies) before coming home. I don't know how practical this would be depending on where they live but I always loved to see visitors, loved to see them go and loved to see them come back again after a break! It is a fraught area and better to go with them saying "We wish you could stay longer" than know in your heart that you are de trop.

I feel its a good idea to stay 'off site' , they live in Gibralter and hotels seem quite expensive and no b and b's that I can see , the flight is going to cost the earth as I can't book in advance, so how far my finances will stretch may be a decider.. but I am going to discuss with them and suggest I stay somewhere else and see if they maybe have a suggestion.

We have just had our 2nd Grand-daughter in Australia and I can't wait to go but the cost is a bit restrictive at the moment.
When our 1st was born, we stayed with them for 5 weeks (we usually go about every 9 months) and it was so lovely. We were able to take her for a walk to give our son and DIL a break or we took ourselves off to give them some space and it all worked wonderfully.
I always asked if I could pick her up before doing so and I think as long as you are mindful of their feelings, you will be fine.
I am sure your family are dying to show off their new baby and it just needs a little bit of give and take.
It is so difficult when your only grandchildren are so far away. We would be lost without Skype.
Enjoy your time with the new baby.

Thinking back to my visit with my own lovely daughter and her newborn seven months ago and also the births of my own four children and two MIL,s these would be my tips.
I would definitely go before your holiday to show them how special they are to you but stay nearby not with them even if you go for the later visit. If you really can't avoid staying with them leave after a maximum of 2 nights.
Your DIL will want to keep up standards as a hostess which she can't possibly do with a new baby. My other tips for what they are worth:
If staying elsewhere aim to arrive about 10am each day or whenever will suit them and if needed quietly do any chores that your DIL needs ie washing, shopping, cooking, ironing, cleaning, holding the baby while she has a shower and so on and leave shortly after the evening meal which ideally you will have prepared for them. Even the evening meal can be a minefield if you prepare your son's favourite dish. However, be careful how you phrase suggestions re the chores as it could be an implied criticism. If you only want to do a social visit aim to stay not more than a couple of hours each visit. Be warm and friendly if your DIL's parents are there when you are and let them hold the baby. Don't give them any advice unless asked for it. Don't make comparisons with your son's upbringing eg baby sleeping in their room or going through the night, yes or no to dummies etc! If your DIL is breast feeding and you breast fed your babies you can be an important source of support for her. Above all focus on them don't talk or ramble on on this visit about your other children and grandchildren make them feel special. Take lots of photos. Enjoy!

Grandchild #4 was due in mid-March. And as this is all taking place in
Australia, you can't just jump in the car...

For the previous two, I arrived after a month or so, but as this would be
their last child I was really keen to be there at the time he arrived.
I just asked my daughter - and she was really happy for me to come!!

As it happened, I stayed on for 3 weeks, looking after the 3 older ones
to give DD a bit of space.

It was busy but sooo worthwhile. If you get the chance, do it.

My newest grandchild will be born at the end of August in Australia - my flight is booked for 14 September. If you don't see your grandchildren when they are first born you will regret it forever.