Am I old fashioned with my opinios

Dr Margot Sunderland has written a book entitled "The Science of Parenting" and it's wonderful - I would recommend any parent or grandparent reads this.

Thank you grannyqueenie

Wilma

I had my children quite late, for when I had them (early 1970s, 28 years old) and I refused to buy any baby books at all. I did the local authority ante-natal classes and they were pretty useless - and as I was the last of my friends to have children I had watched their attachment to their child care books and it worried me. Many of them were too dependent on the book and ignored what the baby was actually doing, 'saying' etc. I had read articles in magazines and newspapers over the years so I wasn't completely ignorant.

I think that child care and child nurture has got far too formulaic and one size fits all, what does the book say, etc. I do not mean that courses, books and manuals cannot be useful and like others I sought help when I needed it, but the purpose of all this information should be background reading and information to be incorporated in to ones knowledge base, not treated like instructions for operating a washing machine, which seems to happen so much now.

Tessa so glad you sorted things with your daughter and great post Emily.

I thought I was emotionally resilient, until I realised I wasn't - or at least I wasn't any more. As a child and an adult I was self confident and capable. My loving parents brought me up to believe I could do anything I wanted by working hard at it. Soon I had a good career, a lovely family and a happy marriage. Then in my 30s I came across a problem I couldn't fix and it concerned someone very close to me. Years later I realised it wasn't actually my problem and the fact that I thought it was my role to solve someone else's problem, was actually a sign of a different problem altogether. In my 40s I ended up with chronic clinical depression and everyone around me was shocked because it was so unexpected. My parents did their best to be good parents, but now I know my lack of emotional resilience goes right back to my childhood.

If I was bringing up a child now, I would take advantage of all the information out there. Going to a seminar on a subject of interest would be particularly great because hopefully it would include a Q&A session for further discussion. I would try to foster my children to value their emotional health as much as their physical health. You can only do your best to try to be a good parent.

I was another Penelope Leach fan. In those pre internet days it was good to have instant advice at hand and she was so sensible and flexible. DD was spoilt for choice with child rearing gurus and so much of it contradictory or just plain daft. The EASY baby anyone? Eat, Activity, Sleep You time. DD remarked that hers must be an EAEA baby.

Dr Spock was a revolutionary in his time - yes, he was the opposite of horrid old Truby King. Spock has not been 'discredited', I don't think, not in principle (various parts of his advice are no longer current). But he was the very first mass market author to tell parents that they would figure stuff out by themselves, the very first one who credited even small babies with feelings which should be taken seriously, and the very first one to write in ways which reached out to everyone.

Hugh Jolly was very similar, and was the UK version

Well I am glad I did not listen to my mother about child rearing. However despite some failings in her parenting she did at least give me the very early good emotional nurturing that is so important.

I also had Dr Benjamin Spock by my side and very useful it was too in pre internet days.
It was so much better that the pre war guru Truby King.

I found a copy of one of Truby Kings books which was sort of raise them tough no mollycoddling.

I lent my copy to my daughter with strict instructions that it was for amusement only and not to be taken seriously.

Good post Mermaid. Every generation had its 'bible'. In my mother's day it was: don't give to much attention and stick the baby at the bottom of the garden and let her cry it out. I didn't follow that model but no doubt made my own mistakes. I don't interfere unless it is something I find particularly upsetting, which has happened on a couple of occasions, mainly due to cultural differences. We have been able to sit down and talk and they have been good enough to acknowledge my fears. I must add that I have learnt a lot from the way they parent and like to think they have (just a little) from us, even if only from our mistakes!

Elena is right. Emotional resilience stems from Bowlby's attachment theory and is a very old theory although it has been developed by different people such as Bowlby's own son, David Howe, and psychologists like Dan Hughes. In a nutshell, a child becomes 'emotionally resilient' through receiving emotionally warm, consistent parenting from birth. If an infant's needs are met consistently, that infant grows up to see the World as a safer place (s/he develops secure attachments) and thus can usually deal with life's adversities more efficiently. Research shows that such children develop healthier relationships, do better at school and later are more confident and 'balanced' adults. They are also able to promote secure attachments in their own children. However, if a child's needs are met inconsistently, or infrequently (s/he develops insecure attachments), that child usually grows up to see the World as an unsafe or even threatening place and can struggle later on with relationships, trust issues, addictions and educational achievement. This does not mean either, that someone with insecure attachments doesn't achieve well educationally or at work. Some of the highest achievers have insecure attachments, but this is not really a good thing - their insecurities drive them! Additionally the consistent care referred to earlier, does not have to come from a parent; it can come from any carer as long is it remains consistent. Usually a child forms her/his attachments within the first three years of life, so warm, consistent parenting is vital during that period. Insecure attachments might also be 'disconfirmed' if a child or adult receives regular loving care later on. Yes, it's all very complex but being emotionally resilient means we view ourselves and the World more positively. I'm fairly sure jinglbellsfrocks book would have been about the same issues.

I used to read books about child care when I had my first baby and get upset when things didn't go 'as they should'. In reply to my concerns my husband would say 'unfortunately the baby can't read so she doesn't know what she should be doing'.

Mind you, I wouldn't like to be a new mum these days with what they can and can't eat whilst pregnant, what the baby should or shouldn't eat, in what position the baby should sleep, where they should sleep, and then it changes.

My rule with my grandchildren is not to offer advice unless asked for.

I was another advocate for Penelope Leach.

I always keep my thoughts to myself as I think my daughter needs lots of reassurance that she is doing well as a mother. There is far too much criticism of young mums. She is bringing up her children differently to me, but then every generation does! Whatever works for them and she is doing a great job.

That is interesting, Emily

However, I do think that 50+ years ago we had to learn resilience also -
There are huge demands made on children to succeed, keep themselves safe, including the first two you mentioned. However, your mention of coping with electronic media and all the pressures that seems to be bringing to young lives is one that we never had to cope with and it is a very large part of their lives today, not a world I look forward to my DGC joining in with, but they will.

There was a lot of pressure on us from the age of about 9 with the 11+ (not something most children encounter today), being resilient and finding a way forward if you 'failed', the pressure of all the exams if you 'passed'. Finding our own way around to and from school whereas today many are taken to and fro by car. There was unkindness and bullying in those days too.

I do think that some of today's children are not learning resilience in their day to day lives as a natural part of growing up, many parents seem to wrap them up in cottonwool. So it will probably do the parents more good (and of course filter down to the children) to attend seminars such as these!

I'm glad to hear that so many of you relied on Dr Spock or other books, etc. So did I. But I hear so many people say, "I just flew by the seat of my pants and my kids turned out great!" that I sometimes wonder if there was something wrong with me (and my DDs who also turn to books, the Internet, etc.) Good to know there are others who feel they need/felt they needed some help! But everybody's different, I guess.

Tessa, I think your DD heard your comment as, "Why are you going to a seminar? There's no point! You're being ridiculous!" Even though that's not what you meant. Glad you apologized. And I agree, sometimes it's better to keep our opinions to ourselves cuz they read things into them that we don't mean.

Great post and wonderful replies! I too was thousands of miles away from any family when my first was born in a small town in central Africa. Dr. Spock was consulted hourly. My first copy disintegrated from so much use! I wish I had had seminars and classes and community support. And, Tessa101, thank you for your openness. I have not yet learned the art of keeping my mouth shut, and I realise that the occasional hurt, defensive response from my DiL just shows that my approval matters to her. It's a minefield out there......

Thank you for the links, Emily.

Emily, if I had a 'Like' button I would click it.

Life is far more complex today than it was 50 years ago. News papers are regularly reporting the increase in mental health problems in young children with lower and lower ages.

There are huge demands made on children to succeed, keep themselves safe, cope with electronic media relationships etc. As a result parenting that helps develop resilience is now seen as protective and helpful to children's mental health. Its not a complicated idea ans as said above is based on attachment theory. The basics seem to be as follows:

Resilience is the ability to steer through
serious life challenges and find ways to
bounce back and to thrive.
We are born with the capacity for
resilience. But resilience is not something
we have or don’t have. We work on it
throughout our lives. And we need to
start as early as possible. Parents are the
most important people to help build
their children’s resilience.
Children learn a lot by watching their
parents. When parents cope well with
everyday stress, they are showing their
children how to do the same.
Why is it important to
develop resilience?
Resilience makes a big difference in
people’s lives. People who respond to
hardships with resilience are:
• healthier and live longer
• happier in their relationships
• more successful in school and work
• less likely to get depressed
What builds resilience?
Many of the things that support healthy
development in young children also help
build their resilience. These things include:
• a secure bond with a caring adult
• relationships with positive role models
• opportunities to learn skills
• opportunities to participate in meaningful activities
etc.
www.beststart.org/resources/hlthy_chld_dev/pdf/BSRC_Resilience_English_fnl.pdf

I am very aware that as I grow older I cannot take my resilience for granted.

www.ucl.ac.uk/icls/publications/op/op3.pdf

'Resilience is derived from using resources, primarily interpersonal,
to stabilise the life change consequent on adversity.'

As our friends die and we attend their funerals, then we have to go through a sequence of operations - cataracts, knees, hips etc. Finding ways to bounce back, maintaining a positive outlook and being good company for others is essential. Social policy is now focussing on how to promote resilience in the older person. For this I am grateful.

www.cpa.org.uk/information/reviews/CPA-Rapid-Review-Resilience-and-recovery.pdf

I hope your daughter takes from the seminar that which is helpful both for her children and herself.

All the best.

I think todays parents are very lucky to have so much information available to them. I always said that I wish my children had been born with a instruction manual. All that indecision and hoping that I was doing it right. It's a scary thing bringing up children and if there is help available 'embrace it' I say.

There have always been people to advise new parents, sometimes helpful sometimes disastrous. When I was born the great guru was one Dr Truby King, who was a farmer who discovered that if he fed his veal calves every four hours he could fatten them up for slaughter very quickly. On to a good thing, he wrote a book advocating that human babies should be treated in the same way. If they cried to be fed, parents were advised to put them in another room and let them cry. He said it developed their lungs. Um!

Emotional resilience is really just a fancy name for coping with stressful situations-something we could all do with!
I agree that some modern parenting ideas and methods seem strange but that doesn't necessarily mean they are wrong or "bad." Think back to your children's early years and you'll probably recall discussing the latest ideas with friends and peers.Weren't your parents and in-laws ideas a bit "old fashioned" too?
My daughter decided to use Baby Led Weaning with her third child.I had never heard of it and was a little unsure about the idea of skipping purees and mushy soft food.Once my daughter explained the very simple idea and I
had seen how much better it was,I was in total agreement that it worked well.
2 of my grandsons are also home educated with an Unschooling method.Yes,I was unsure about that too but the boys are so much happier and enjoy learning instead of hating it.They are clever,knowledgeable and interested in everything.The world is their classroom and they spend lots of time outdoors too.
So I would say please don't dismiss "new" ideas and theories-they are likely to be simple methods with modern and often puzzling names!I am sure that your daughter is,like most parents,just trying to do the best she can-support her!

Most of us did our damnedest to raise our children to the best of our ability,
I'm yet another Spockie; wore out two copies.'
If your daughter needs a little something to boost her mothering self- confidence - good luck to her.

So, yes - I do think YABU
You raised your children your way. Why not let her raise her's in her own way?

After all, she is the product of your own method of child-raising.

I brought my children up on the advice from Mother and Baby magazine. Whatever they said, I obeyed! I was brought up without hugs, and was never praised for anything. My parents were good people but they were following the fashion of the day. If i looked in a mirror mum would comment that I was vain. As a grandmother, I give lots of hugs, and praise everything little thing they do.

Tessa101 - a gracious response. Glad all is good between you and DD.