Helping adult children with money

Tanith ,I bet you give them lots of other precious things.

tanith I am also aware that you live in an expensive part of the country which does not become any cheaper when retired. At least you are no longer travelling to work daily- you should not be beating yourself because you do not have millions to give away. You have to look after no.1 and your DH, your children would prefer that you did that first I am sure.

My dh and I always went by the rule of giving to the child with the greatest need. We used to say to them "what you lose on the swings you gain on the roundabouts i.e eldest son had some nice bedroom furniture but the middle son had the biggest room.

This remains my rule now and although the grown up kids may sometimes think this is a bit unfair, I'll continue to do it for as long as I can.

There's no sense in being even handed if one child is in a bad place financially while the others are secure.

In my will I've said that my estate goes to my children to give to their children as they think fit.

I did this because my fil left money to my children and they blew it!
Ah well you're only young once.

sorry I was having a wo is me moment . Stems from my eldest grandson on a flying visit on Sunday saying how he and his wife will never afford to buy a place even if they moved away from London. Also having a homeless 47yr old daughter lodging with us at present unable to afford to get her own place.
Of course happy and healthy is what counts and for that I'm grateful.

Carry on

Tahiti bet you do what you can my mother never had money to give away either I didn't love her less . We are able to help our two when needed not got a fortune though ☺️

Our son is married and 'settled' as my DiL describes it. Our daughter is single and has been made redundant twice and struggles financially. So yes, we do help her out, more than I ever thought I would. In little ways - paying for theatre tickets; bigger birthday presents such as an iPad and last year I bought her a car with part of my retirement lump sum. I still can't believe I did that but she does a lot for different members of the family.
At the moment everything is left equally between our two children but with the proviso that our daughter can live in the house as long as she wants. I suspect that when the grand children are older we might change our wills but we had a family meeting and made it clear to everyone what we were doing.

We have given thousands to DD over the years with deposits for flats, help with bills etc. next week she will be moving back in with us after complicated personal life. We unfortunately can't carry on as our funds are greatly reduced.
We support DS financially on daily basis as he still lives at home on benefits due to his autism and due to his life style he has no need of large sums.

So sorry Nina that your D's life has not worked out. The silver lining maybe is that you will see more of your GC, no compensation for her though.

My stepdaughter recently needed a large amount of money to get here out of a difficult situation. My husband was all for giving/lending her all she needed, but, as we have 4 other children between us, I insisted that we should set an upper limit so that, should the other 4 suddenly need help as well, we could treat them all equally. Although I felt very guilty at the time, I'm sure it was the right thing to do.

Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't Nina. Best wishes to her.

That's very interesting, what you say Humbertbear. My younger daughter is single, and she is a very hardworking person. She has not had things anything like as easy as the other daughter has. I always feel she deserves more than the others. It's so difficult. I do as you do - pay for her treats, and sort of smuggle her extra where I can! I would hate there to be any bad feeling amongst them later though.

I understand the desire of a parent to leave shares in a house to two or more children, but with the proviso that one remains living in it as long as they want. The problem is that the non-resident offspring can have changes in circumstances that might mean they also need/would like the money and could be resentful towards the sibling. I have seen this happen more than once. I don't know what the answer is.

Thanks annsixty and jings for the kind thoughts

I think children want to be treated equally by their parents both when they are growing up and as adults. I'd hate to create any bad feeling between my children by showing what could be perceived as favouritism.

I am with you Tanith. Cannot believe how many people are able to give handouts. Buying a coffee when out is about my limit.

We've spent the same on each of our 3 when appropriate, help for things like university costs, presents, wedding funds (even though one cost three times what we gave, and another about 5% of it, they each got the same).

But I don't see money spent on the grandchildren as being part of our children's "entitlement". At the moment, one of our DC has two children, one has just one and the other has declared that she does not intend to have children at all. I have never seen any sign of resentment from her when we've spent on the grandchildren. She doesn't see it as her siblings getting more than her, as this is about her nephews, who she loves dearly.

It's always interesting to get other people's views. That's a thought, Falconbird, the GCs might not make the most sensible use of it anyway. Food for thought.

I wonder if it's possible to leave sums to GC stipulating that they must be a certain age before receiving it?

I know it used to be quite common to this (say 21 or 25) but I dare say there are ways round it now...I'd certainly be wary of leaving a large chunk of my estate to my GC if they'd be able to access it at age 18!

I have 5 children and keep a book for each of them of money they have had for uni, running a car etc. Four are sensible with money,one isn't. In about 18 months our youngest will leave uni and I am hoping the bank of Mum and Dad will close,for a while at least. We hope to balance up what they have had at that stage so that they have had equal amounts. It would be lovely to give according to need but not sure whether it would work. I hope our kids will feel we have been fair.

We have 4, and believe that they're all different, with different needs.
We've given to all of them at one time or another, never large amounts, but I don't think any of them think they should all be the same.
But for other families it's different It's the way we've brought them up, no rights or wrongs.
One is doing well financially and he sometimes helps the others out. And us.

If I had more than one grown up child, I would help them all as and when needed. I would hope that if I gave money to one in need, the others would not take money from me "just because" if they did not need it at that time. I would also hope they would help each other, where possible.

I help my two children as and when they need it and will even it up with their inheritances.

I am pleased and proud to help them. That's what my money is for and they are both really good children.

Am with Nelliemaggs on this one. I give according to need and the children are happy about this and, indeed, will help one another if the need arises. (ie. DD1 making loans/gifts to DD2 who is still at university when she is in need and I can't help.)

When it comes to presents at Christmas time or birthdays, it's strict rotation. One gets the lion's share each year as I'm not well off and the other two get tokens, knowing that their turn will come the following year or the year after.

They're all concerned for one another and wouldn't thank me for treating them, "equally" if they could see a sibling's need was greater at the time.

Thanks for all the responses. I don't think any particular course of action is correct. Everyone does what they think is best for their own family and their own circumstances.

Indeed, pollyparrot, but what they think is "best" at the time can often backfire.
My Mil gave my husband's sister her inheritance early to buy a big house and live the life of Riley. Mil's purse was always open to pay for everything my Sil's family wanted, but not once did our family receive a penny. Lo and behold, Sil's marriage broke up, all the money had disappeared and Mil is now destitute having given everything to the one offspring. My husband was surprisingly calm and philosophical about never seeing his inheritance, knowing his sister was always favoured over him, but he nearly died on the floor when recently his mother turned to him for a contribution towards her nursing home costs! He had to spell it out to her word for word, but she still won't have a word said against his sister.
Now there is nothing but animosity, bad feeling and resentment within the family, and it is Mil herself who is responsible for the rift which cannot be healed.