Difficulties with grandchildren's nanny (employed person, not other grandparent).

mutti My dad used to quote a saying he picked up...

Too soon we grow old, too late we grow smart!

But then there's the proverbial young adult upon growing up and observing that their parents were smarter than they thought!

i don't think family relationships are ever simple. People develop good relationships by knowing when to hold their tongue. I think Mutti understands her daughter and how much she, rightly or wrongly, relies on this Nanny to make the family run smoothly. The woman has an unfortunate attitude, but nowhere has it been indicated that the children are unhappy in her care.

Nanny will be replaced eventually, Mutti is going to be there for many, many years after the Nanny has gone.

I am sorry to post this but I find it hard to believe that this thread has gone on so long and had so many replies. It was so simple in my opinion, the OP should have sorted it with her daughter. The nanny is an employee.

Sorry, slightly misquoted the above .. and with a typo into the bargain. The actual quotation is 'Life can only be understood backwards; but it must be lived forwards'.

I will, Zorro21, and yes the 50 tips were helpful, as was the page I found on the Norland Nanny website, stating in point 10 that a Norland Nanny will 'respect the central and enduring role of families in a child's life'.
NotSpaghetti, I am as firm with the grandchildren as my DD & SIL are. I don't think that's the issue.
What all this has made me realise, however, is that I was possibly sometimes less than kind in dealing with my own parents & parents-in-law in relation to my children when they were young. With the hindsight gained through becoming a grandparent myself, I would have given them the benefit of the doubt more often when I felt they spoke out of turn. It's like that excellent saying: 'Life can only be understood backwards, but it unfortunately it has to be lived forwards'. How true that is.

An hour once a week, in the company of the nanny, shouldn't be out of the question.

My parents doted on my children. They loved them beyond measure.
I would have gone bonkers if they had lived nearby and wanted regular mid-week visits without one of us present as my husband and I were pretty firm and my loving parents were a complete pushover! They were kind and generous to a fault and though they couldn't see it, their visits created not only lots of joy and laughter but a measurable and exhausting after-visit chaos!
It was much easier when the children were older and could stay with them for a few days by arrangement.
We never had a nanny or childminder but to me a good childminder would have been a more comfortable option, had I been working, than my parents. Is it possible that your little family feel they need someone pretty firm to do exactly what they want and that being thir employer rather than family gives them this?

Please let us know how all this turned out after New Year and whether the 50 tips relating to dealing with employing nannies helped.

Flossie - strangled parents may be more apt here. Love your comment.

I agree with you, Zorro21, that the situation is absurd (and I realise that it isn't a life or death situation either .. 'strangled parents' notwithstanding!). I bet it occurs more than one might think though.
FlossieTurner, your advice is very wise and that's what DH and I will do.
Thank you to everyone who offered kind and constructive comments.

Jingl has enrolled with a nanny agency

I like strangled parents

Where's jingl when you need her? A psycho nanny would be right up her street

Freudian slip with strangled parents I meant ofcourse, estranged parents.

If you are going to raise this with your DD I would suggest you wait until after Christmas. Stand back over the next few weeks, scale back the visits and see if anyone comments. Either the Chidren or the parents.

Choosing your moment is vital here. The lead up to Christmas will be a very busy time for the parents. Shopping, entertaining, school events will all need to be juggled. Choose the wrong moment and you might unleash a tsunami or, worse still, end up on the strangled parents thread.

It is all very well for others to say what your DD should do, they may well be right. getting her onside to actually change or tackle the Nanny is another matter. Be the bigger person for now, give everyone breathing space and you will be in a much better position.

Please look at the above blog. It looks really good - see "weekly touch base meetings" for instance. If your daughter is such a whizz in business, this would be something she is used to. She should not be letting the Nanny do exactly as she pleases - easy to do, but should not be happening. Boundaries need to be set for everyone's benefit, daughters, Nanny's, yours, and most importantly the grandchildrens. Nanny needs to know exactly how far her job description extends. If no boundaries are set by anyone, then that's why you've ended up in such a pickle.

www.4nannies.com/blog/50-tips-for-starting-your-nanny-relationship-off-right/

You are right that there is nothing on the internet about how to deal with overbearing nannies. I googled exactly that and found a whole load of articles for nannies on how to deal with overbearing parents - and grandparents! Maybe she has "been on a course" on the subject and is now applying the material in practice on you and the other granny.

If you are quite sure that you yourself are being reasonable in the amount of time you would like with your grandchildren, then your daughter and her husband are the ones to ask to organise it, and to make certain that you are not completely squeezed out of their lives. It'll take tact, both on your part discussing it with them and on their part arranging it with the nanny - and checking that the arrangements are being kept to. When you employ someone, you do have to keep an eye on whether they are actually doing what was agreed. This woman appears to be moving the goalposts on her own initiative.

It's no wonder you can't find anything on the internet about this, as the situation created here is so absurd !!!! It doesn't help that your daughter "pussyfoots" around the subject and won't deal properly with her employee.

Further more, you don't want to end up being your daughter's unpaid skivvy. My husband didn't like me saying that I wasn't going to have his daughter getting me to walk her dog for nothing when she bought a puppy yet out at work allday, but I still said it.

Mutti From your latest post it appears to me that Nanny just wants to run things her way. She sees her job as looking after the kids on her terms. She obviously doesn't want you cramping her style and makes no effort to get on with you. Your daughter wants to run things her way and she will find it a pain to find another Nanny. You need to put forward your point of view to your daughter, state every single problem you experience with the Nanny. She won't like it, but you don't like the way you are being treated by a paid help. Your daughter needs to get tougher with the Nanny. If they are so skilled in employment or business, how is this such a problem for your daughter and son in law to resolve? It seems they do not wish to lose the nanny and would prefer to lose you. Other Grandma already lost and you should point this out to them. I feel sorry for the little grandchildren caught up in this mess. Doesn't the Nanny have an agency or something ? Daughter just has to tell Nanny that she must work with you on this and if she can't she must look elsewhere for work. Your daughter can't be telling her this.

I think you're not far off the truth, BlueBelle. FarNorth, the other grandma and DH & I do see the grandchildren some weekends, so it's not the case that there's no contact that way. However, it would suit DD and SIL for us to see DGs sometimes during the week .. in order to take the pressure off them regarding weekends. We are all three of us happy to join in with any activities with the nanny (as we did with all the previous ones: trips to the park, school collection, playgroups etc) or to have the children all to ourselves which frees up the nanny to attend to other duties. It's simply and sadly the case that, unlike all the previous nannies, this one resents us being around at all and in any way - hence her passive aggressive behaviour in creating increasing obstacles.
Incidentally, I cannot find anything else on this subject anywhere on the internet(all discussion in any way related seems to be about using grandparents as care-givers and how to set the parameters of that), so either mine is a very unusual situation or it's a subject waiting to be looked at. In these days of more & more parents both working full time from necessity or choice (which I fully respect), it may become more of an issue .. as yet another aspect of family dynamics. The thoughtful comments posted by this wonderful Gransnet community are so helpful.
If I could persuade my daughter that I admire her for juggling family and a demanding job so well, I think that would help, but however often I tell her this, I don't think she believes me.

Does your DD know that the other grandma never sees the children at all, nowadays?

Your DD knows you will stick with her, no matter what. Your DGDs need to get that feeling too, about all their GPs.
To do that they need to have contact, in a happy, relaxed way.

Could you ask your DD to arrange with the nanny when the GPs can see the children? If the nanny has been involved in choosing a suitable time, surely she should be more likely to stick to it.

Mufti I m glad you cleared up the bit about the social weekends

I don't think you overstepped the mark at all in being put out because you were 'limited' by the Nannie
I too think you need a long talk to your daughter This lady sounds as if she has completely taken over her position and is calling all the shots I don't think you have in any way overstepped the mark
I d be mortified if an outsider told me I could only have thirty minutes with my grandchild
Surely it's mum and dad first grandparents second and hired help third it seems to me as if it's Nannie first, mum and dad second, and bugger off anyone else

Working parents do have busy and stressful lives in many cases, but it is the life they chose. The fact that the nanny is efficient and saves the parents from day-to-day worrying does not mean they can abnegate all responsibility for the children's welfare, and having a loving relationship with grandparents contributes greatly to this welfare.

My eldest grandson is 26 now and away at university, but when he and his brothers were younger I and his parents used to split the holidays between us, with either me staying there or the boys coming to me. They are all very loving towards me and the eldest came to me to talk through his plans to study Japanese at uni and kept in touch by FB or Viber when he spent the last year in Tokyo. He even wanted to come back when I had my heart attack but his mum persuaded him to wait until they had more news, which luckily was good after my triple by-pass.

I have not read the thread fully Mutti but as a nurse I have concerns about child protection with this nanny. It sounds like she is trying to take over the role of the mother. i think you should try and speak to your daughter and SIL about this as it is not a normal relationship and as they are so busy they might be trying to take the easiest option rather than the best option for your grandchildren who are missing out on both sets of grandparents love and attention so the nanny can see her own friends and family. Good luck with this. It is not healthy xxxx