Asking prospective FILs permission

No prob . I always have to double check anyway!

Has you are right 'Thatbags Sorry

the permssion of her mother-in-law >>> her prospective mother-in-law's permission

Mothers in Law

prospective mother-in-law's...

Has anyone answered my question about whether they would feel the same about it if it was the woman asking her prospective mother's permission?

It seems to me that those of us who think the practice anachronistic are the only ones looking at it from the perspective of equality between people who want to marry each other.

I dislike the revival of this tradition as it insults women by the underlying assumption that they are subordinate and that marriage is decided by the "menfolk". But I understand that it has been revived due to the influence of American films and TV shows.

I feel that talking to the parents about an engagement should be done as a couple as a shared responsibility and not a a secret deal among the men. I don't find it charming at all - but then again I have known instances where the prospective sil has received "permission" even though the prospective bride has no idea that a proposal was coming.

I said what I said Greyduster because, as I said in a previous post, a decision to marry should be a decision reached by two people on an equal basis between them. Once one of those partners sees a need to discuss this marriage with one of the parents of the other, especially ahead of a mutual decision to get married, the non-asking partner is infantilised.

The fact that it never occurred to neither DH nor I to do was a clear expression of our shared attitudes and values and the fact that we have these values in common has contributed to making our marriage strong and durable.

WE got engaged in 1967 when attitudes like ours were much less common.

DH and DF had a chat over a pint as far as I am aware, I don't know if DH asked permission as such, but was certainly courteous enough to mention it.
I wasn't present and, anyway, my memory is somewhat hazy after almost 50 years.

DH and DF always had an excellent relationship btw.

I have to say that that is patent nonsense, MOnica. I don't see how you can equate having a long and happy marriage with not asking for permission to marry in the first place. My sister and BiL did not ask my father's permission and wouldn't have got it if they had - he didn't like my BiL - but they had a very long and happy marriage. We have also been happily married for fifty years but it has absolutely nothing to do with the courtesy of asking my father if he was happy with the match. It was just that, a courtesy. No one ever had any doubt that I was, and still am, my own woman.

Quercus, it is so nice to know that I have company in the wilderness!!

Possibly one of the reasons DH and I are heading for our Golden Wedding anniversary are that, back in 1967, it didn't occur to either of us that DH should ask for my DF's consent/approval/whatever for our marriage.

I am with Monica. Hard to believe the sentiments expressed by those who see nothing wrong with the practice given that many should remember the time before legislation re: discrimination and equal pay introduced in the 1970s. Women were second class citizens for a long time after they ceased to be legally the property of men.

My SIL took me out for dinner to ask for DDs hand. I was delighted, but the first thought which popped into my mind was 'does he want paid !!!!!'¨

It's probably just a quaint old British custom Starlady

No father is going to say, 'no, I want to keep her at home and support her for the rest of her life' are they?
Added to which, she has probably left home years ago!

The thing is, it is not permission the prospective SIL is seeking - it's a custom to chat to future FIL in advance. Even in this day and age where couples often pay for their own weddings, parents are often expected to pay for a substantial amount and it's only polite.

Good for future relationships.

Sorry but I would have been furious is dh asked my father's permission to marry me! Don't see it as "polite" at all but as an insult to the woman - a throwback to the days when women were seen as "property" and not full adults at any age! Then again, I didn't have my dad "give me away" either at my wedding though he did walk me down the aisle.

Sil didn't ask permission of either dd's dad or me. But if he had asked me, I would have said, "I'd love to have you marry her, but permission is not mine to give - it's hers." Maybe I would add with a smile, "You'll get your answer when you propose."

Asking for the parents' blessing is a nice idea though, imo - and yes, I agree, it should be both parents - quaint but charming. Not necessary but nice.

But gf might like the permission idea. Some women still do, as evidenced by this thread. Also, she knows her father better than you do. Imo, ds should ask her if she thinks this is a good idea or not.

Quercus, I expressed just those sentiments pages back on this thread - and was howled down. Be prepared.

However much my parents may have been delighted to have been in on the secret of the proposal I was to receive, once I knew that had happened, I would have felt humiliated and probably broken the engagement off.

Marriage is the coming together of two independent people who mutually make an agreement to make their relationship official and, hopefully, lifelong.

What hope is there if it starts with one of the potential partners treating the other like a child.

I'm with you Quercus
And there are often a lot of things wrong with old fashioned values.

All 3 SiLs spoke to my DH about their plans. They didn't ask, but it was a lovely act on their part. So what's wrong with old fashioned values? We were 'in' on the plans of our youngest daughter's intended. He planned to ask the question while on a beach in Fiji. We were meeting them after the event in Sydney and carried the precious ring (my late MiLs) for him to present on arrival feeling it wasn't a good idea to cart it in a rucksack through India and all places east. We had a amazing family reunion and celebration with all 3 daughters. To see their Dad, now no longer here, walking his beloved girls down the aisle was amazing and the 3 happiest of days. It certainly wasn't a case of 'giving' them away.
Be astounded as you like Quercus. Each to his own.

I am astounded that anyone finds this acceptable. If my DH had thought it appropriate to ask my father's permission he would probably not be my DH!

My fiance didn't speak to my father when asking for permission to marry me, but he did ask my DD and DS... Which I thought was quite wonderful. My future SIL asked my permission to propose to my DD.

Permission, definitely no! Blessing yes! (and it should be both parents who are asked.)
I'm slightly shocked at the amount of brides who are still "given away" at their weddings.Seems especially silly when most couples have been living together for some time and often have their own children(I'm a bellringer so see a lot of weddings) Women aren't anybody's property! When I expressed this feeling to our vicar, she said that a bride does not have to be "given away" if she doesn't want to be. She can still walk down the aisle on the arm of the person of her choosing, it can be her Mum, sister, Dad, friend or anyone she wants.

well, I could have changed my mind by then (several times )

I am entirely free to have my own opinions and expresI can express even more radical ones. I am all in favour of marriage but would like to see the end of weddings, or rather delay the celebrations until the couple have been married for 5 years, then have the big celebration

Whatever .

I did't mention any ban, just I would like to see marriages being quiet and their endurance celebrated. Think how much debt and misery would be saved for those who satge large weddings in (relative) haste and repent at leisure.

I feel as if I've moved to a parallel universe.