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Family in crisis

(80 Posts)
annab275 Thu 05-Jul-18 13:26:26

My partner and I have been together for 25 years and he has been a great help to his ageing Mum, goes to see her every weekend, does jobs, takes her out etc. She is quite difficult and always finds faults and criticises him, for being too fat, too thin, too conservative etc. She has another son who rarely visits but to cut a long story short , he has been arrested and imprisoned. Organising prison visits has been pretty difficult as well as trying to sort out the brother's flat, letters, benefits etc etc. The son who is in prison asked my OH to look after a bag of money which was in the flat and take it back to our house. However, months ago before all this, he had asked his mum to take care of it, but never gave it to her. Already the cost of dealing with this imprisonment is taking its toll, (buying clothes, extra petrol to get to the prison, organising storage for his belongings etc). The Mum is quite forgetful and forgot that my OH had given her a key to the flat (so she could go around and tidy up as she wanted), and insisted that the money should be kept at her house, but my OH said no, as he was dealing with all the letters etc. visiting and so on. Anyway they had a bust up over the phone, this morning, and he said he was fed up with her ordering him about, trying to control everything, and he has put his foot down. Meanwhile Mum in law accuses him of being pig headed and stubborn etc. Sorry to go on but my view is that since my OH has to help her
with banking, internet, and this sort of stuff already, it doesn't make sense that she should be entrusted with such a large amount of cash. He feels that she doesn't trust him, and will spend it himself, which he is very hurt about. How to navigate through all this?

Nezumi65 Fri 06-Jul-18 15:09:40

Money laundering rules mean you can’t just accept large sums of cash and move them around as you wish while pleading ignorance - you can end up in prison if you do.

Years ago I was contacted by mumsnet asking for my bank details as someone who wanted to remain anonymous wanted to buy my disabled son a very expensive piece of equipment. After I had picked myself up off the floor, cried a bit and established they were absolutely sure they wanted to do this I asked that the equipment be purchased by the donor or mumsnet and then sent to me instead of me accepting an anonymous donation of thousands of pounds.

I had an image of a judge saying ‘so do you routinely accept large sums of money from anonymous people on the internet....’

willa45 Fri 06-Jul-18 14:44:10

I do my best to be objective but like some here, the first thing that occurred to me also was that the money could be stolen...but what if it wasn't?

People can end up in jail for different reasons other than theft and some can even be innocent and wrongly accused of crimes. The key question that begs to be answered here is 'why was he imprisoned in the first place?'

but, no matter....my point is that just because someone is in prison doesn't automatically mean they're thieves and that everything they own is stolen, including their money.

Unless the flat was sequestered by the police, everything in it is still the defendant's property. That includes the money which still belongs to your H's brother and to no one else.

So, Annab275, if your H should sort things out with Mum, and/or you decide to hold the money for safekeeping, keep in mind that your H cannot withdraw or spend any of it, (even if it is for mum, prison visits, related expenses etc.,) without telling his brother the exact amount and getting his express permission to borrow it.....Anything other than that is the same as stealing!

Luckylegs9 Fri 06-Jul-18 14:05:36

Why would anyone have a stash of money and not put it in the bank? He doesn't want it in the bank in his name because if he did and it was legitimate that could be arranged from prison, so why wouldn't he want it in his name? I wouldn't want any part of it.

Squiffy Fri 06-Jul-18 13:51:15

I would carefully count and record the exact amount of cash at hand

. . . . . and then very carefully wipe off your fingerprints wink

willa45 Fri 06-Jul-18 13:31:59

His brother is worried about his money and rightly so.

From your description, Mum is forgetful and may no longer be in the right frame of mind to be safekeeping anyone's life's savings.

I would carefully count and record the exact amount of cash at hand, let both mum and brother know how much there is where it will be held safely. If putting it in a regular bank account presents too many problems, a bank safety deposit box or even a strong box with lock and key in your own home, are good alternatives for now.

Mum may not be happy but so be it. When the dust settles, you can move the money to a more convenient place.

Chewbacca Fri 06-Jul-18 13:12:52

Me too Squiffy

Squiffy Fri 06-Jul-18 13:11:29

Bag of money? I'd be worried about being accused of being an accessory after the fact . . . . .

Elrel Fri 06-Jul-18 13:10:24

Remand prisoners wear their own clothes I believe.

maddyone Fri 06-Jul-18 13:00:19

Just reread the OP and something else jumped out at me. Anna, you say that months ago your BiL asked his mother to look after the bag of money. Why? If he needed his mother to look after it, then I’m afraid it simply is NOT legitimate money. Why else would he want it out of his flat? It doesn’t add up. Go to the police.

Zorro21 Fri 06-Jul-18 12:50:15

Normally in a prison visits are booked on line - it is that simple. You can also send in parcels of a certain size. There are rules to be followed and you must adhere to them - this is what Prison life is all about, whether he is on remand or not. Prisoners can have loads of visits provided you book them in the way the particular prison requires you to do. You can send letters too. I just don't see your problem.

Zorro21 Fri 06-Jul-18 12:42:29

Anyone that visits a person in prison is sent a form entitling to a visit, if they apply for it through the proper channels - you should be asking the Prison how to do this. It is not like visiting a person in hospital.

Zorro21 Fri 06-Jul-18 12:38:22

I'm not sure that this question is real - it sounds made up. Why is there a bag of money - you need to ask the man in prison where this comes from ?

Why do you need the extra clothes ? If man in prison needs extra clothes it should be taken out of the bag of money money surely.? All of this sounds too weird to be really true >

kooklafan Fri 06-Jul-18 12:35:32

With all due respect Anna, if your MIL has a key to your BILs flat so she can go round and clean (if she likes?) then why is your OH caring for her? She is obviously able to get around. I mean no disrespect but none of this makes any sense. I wouldn't have touched the money with a bargepole, I definitely wouldn't have posted this on a public forum unless it was a very crafty way of getting someone into trouble. I'm not suggesting that was your intent but your BIL might well think that if he ever finds out your posted this on here. Visiting a family member in prison is one thing, getting in deep is completely another.

4allweknow Fri 06-Jul-18 11:51:53

If he hasn't been to court yet he is remanded in custody. Must have been a fairly serious offence to be remanded as there is a huge reluctance on a court to do that pending a trial. How do you know he will be sentenced to jail, you say he hasn't had his trial yet and he must be pleading not guilty for a trial to take place. Why put his stuff in storage etc, he may be found not guilty and released. His money should be in a safe, up to your DP if he gives combination to his mother.

Nezumi65 Fri 06-Jul-18 11:33:35

This person was under the radar and had a mistrust of banks?

My thoughts as well. Although I did wonder whether he was unwell and paranoid. Unfortunately the same rules re savings and benefits etc still apply.

Nezumi65 Fri 06-Jul-18 11:31:59

The BIL is on benefits? He’s not allowed large amounts of money. Savings above 16k are usually not allowed and between 6 and 16 k can affect benefits.

vickymeldrew Fri 06-Jul-18 11:28:51

The naivety on this thread is staggering. Virtually the only people who have bags of cash at home are crooks . Legitimate payments are not made in cash. You cannot open bank accounts for others. You cannot pay cash into your own bank accounts, let alone for others. If you withdraw large amounts of cash from the bank they are bound to ask you what it is for. You cannot pay bills with cash. This person was under the radar and had a mistrust of banks? Yeah right!

Jane43 Fri 06-Jul-18 11:16:44

If it’s a large amount of money the bank will want to know where it has come from and willl not open an account with it unless they have evidence that the money isn’t being used for money laundering. He says it is legit but paper evidence will still be asked for as banks have strict procedures for avoiding money laundering. The idea of putting it in a safe is a good one as long as your MIL is discreet about it, it wouldn’t do for people to know there is a large amount of money in an elderly person’s house.

DotMH1901 Fri 06-Jul-18 10:58:16

Surely if the brother was suspected of money laundering or other financial improprieties the police would have already searched his flat and removed anything suspicious? Just be careful if you do keep the money at your home as, if you have the misfortune to be burgled, your insurance would not cover it unless you declared it to them and you had the correct level of cover/security to keep a large sum of money safe

mostlyharmless Fri 06-Jul-18 10:54:42

Bit worried that this thread is on an open forum. Could you and your family be easily identified anna? Security issues here.

mcem Fri 06-Jul-18 10:50:26

And if he has a significant amount of capital, why are benefits involved. Even if the cash is legit, it should be declared to DWP as an asset.

Elrel Fri 06-Jul-18 10:45:23

Gabriella - if prison life is so cushy why the annual increase in suicides and self harming?

maddyone Fri 06-Jul-18 10:42:10

Sorry Anna, but I wouldn’t believe the money is legitimate without absolute proof. Your BiL is facing charges, and they must be pretty serious or he’d be on bail.

maddyone Fri 06-Jul-18 10:37:13

With regard to the MiL, I’d advise my husband to just keep on doing the usual things to help her that he’s always done. Older people can be stubborn (can’t we all) but she’s elderly and needs help. She needs to be told she can’t have the money because your husband is going to check with the police on its validity. If it’s kosher, then put it in a bank account or safe.

maddyone Fri 06-Jul-18 10:32:48

Haven’t read all posts yet (I will) but noticed straight away that some others were thinking the same thing I’m thinking; the brother is on benefits but has a large bag of cash in his home!! And he’s in prison!! Alarm bells ringing here I’m afraid; I think I would be advising my husband to have nothing to do with the money, certainly not storing it for his brother!
Tell the police about the money. That’s my advice.