Keeping contact

Also children respond very badly to being put on the spot.

As other posters have said, sending little messages that don't demand a reply go down much better and are more likely to get a response from a child of that age than questions etc.

At 9 one of mine had zero interest in letters sent to her or speaking to people on the phone or skype (unless they were her age) but liked spending time with adult family/friends in person.

The other one loved all sorts of correspindence, always. But was more introverted in person and didnt like when the house was full of visitors and often wanted to go home if we were visiting others.

Yea it is normal! His parents need to get that THEY ARE THE ADULTS. You don't have an equal 2 way relationship with your children they are not your mates, you keep "giving" and communicating with them even when they withdraw or pull away as they become teens or tweens.

He sounds normal, the parents do not!

My grandsons dad used to be fuming when his phone calls and texts weren't answered.
He would ring my daughter, shouting "where is his phone?"
The reply, inevitably was "in his toy box with loads of other stuff he isn't interested in".

Sounds like a fairly typical 9 year old, it must be an old phone or he would probably be on it all the time. Many, many children are totally monosyllabic on the phone, however much they love the person on the other end. The parents must talk to the other Gps to see what can be worked out.

I spent all my childhood at home with my parents whom I loved and who I knew loved me, but that didn't stop me from answering questions like, "What happened at school today?" with "Nothing." when I was nine.

A nine year old is trying to realise that he doesn't need to tell the grown-ups everything, but is having trouble sorting out what questions he does need to answer.

Could his parents not arrange with the boy's GPs that they phone at a time convenient to the GPs and child and use face time, so their son can see them as well as talk to them?

He is 9!! 9!! lives in another dimension. My grandson is 8 and when i do the school run he hardly speaks and doesn't answer much. AND we adore one another. Please try not to pressureise this child. He's a little boy and completely unaware of effect of his actions on adults. I send funny cards to my grandhildren with a short note inside. You are all the grown-ups try some understanding and kindness.

ninathenana
I know you said you won't comment here again and I sense how hurt you are but I am hoping you might come back to look.

I'm a big WhatsApp advocate for staying in touch. If he could have a "smart" phone with WhatsApp (or similar) for no charge at all they could send him little funny photos, messages, and other "thinking of you" things. They shouldn't really be expecting a response I feel but should just regularly reach out gently to him. Who knows, maybe he'll send something back now and again...
As others have said, life for everyone in the family at the moment must be tough, and at 9 you are old enough to know a lot and understand much less.
I hope there is a way forward for you and your family.
X

there = their!

When I said upset I meant in a tearful way.
Is he trying to maintain a bit of control over events, where he feels he has lost control?

What is there interaction like when they go to see him? Is he pleased to see them and perhaps is sad when they leave? Could it be that he would like to go home with them and is subconsciously 'punishing' them a bit by his non-communication? I don't know the family dynamics so I could be surmising wrongly.

That being said, trying to have a conversation on the phone with my far-distant DGS is like getting blood out of a stone. He's always been the same.

Sweetie as a footnote no it's not nagging and moaning, I know because DD lives with me and I hear their conversations.
As I said up page, cross was the wrong word frustrated or cocerned would have been more apt. When I said upset I meant in a tearful way.

Newmom thanks that's helpful.

Gabriella I'm not ruffled or interfering I just thought I'd ask GN's if they thought he was behaving like your average 9yr old boy.
I have my own opinions, which I don't tell DD. Yes, it is very sad that his home life isn't great and there are legitimate reasons why he is with GPs (which I might add has nothing to do with abuse in any shape or form) but as I said in OP DD and his dad are working together to resove that. DD and his dad know it won't be an instant cure all.
Thanks everyone for your opinions. I won't be posting on this thread again.

"DD and their dad get upset and cross" .. makes me feel really sad that the parents are like this with a 9 year old. If the word was concerned, maybe that would make more sense.

What's the odds that if the child speaks to them on the phone the conversation is all nagging and moaning at him?

Can't the parents send him nice texts and assume that they will hear from the grandparents if they need to.

Maybe texting or talking to his parents makes him miss them more. All kids are different. Maybe he has a lot of hobbies. Clearly other grandparents are not to blame as 7 year old is in constant touch.

Why does he have to conform to your way of thinking?
Did and do you always do what other people expect of you?
Why do so many GNers get ruffled and interfere with their AC's and/or DiL's and GC's methods and frequency of contact?
You've done your 'job', now leave them to make their own rules and make their own choices as to when they choose to answer the phone.

Monica. Totally agree and my first thought was he is growing up finding lots to do so we need to get used to it. Been in same situation where now that same GC as an adult frequently messages me with a 'are you OK' and without asking tells me what they have been doing.

The child is probably confused, hurt and angry. I do not know why he is not able to live at home but whatever it is it has upset his life

I completely agree with this. I've worked with many looked after children, in both a care setting and those looked after by family. The overriding feeling towards their parents, for the vast majority, is anger. Even those who have regular contact with parents, or those that have chosen to live with family for more stability. Even those whose parents are too physically unwell to look after them, the children still feel anger towards their parents for not providing them with a 'normal' family life. And those are teenagers, many of them having have had years to adjust and process the situation. This is a 9 year old, a young child. Even if he appears to understand and accept the situation, he's still so young.

It may be a lot for your DD and SiL to cope with and be upsetting for them, but to be removed from parents for any reason is so stressful for a child and can be very traumatic. I know you probably already realise this, and sorry if it's hard to hear but he needs time to deal with it in his own way. Do they have any form of support workers he can talk to? He's unlikely to want to talk to family. Also, from your DDs side she could probably do with some sort of counselling herself to have a space to talk about her feelings, even if those are frustration at her child not contacting her, she needs a space to work through that and ensure she's not showing her son that's how she feels. In the mean time, could she send him letters? He has the chance to open those when he wants and reply if he chooses to.

I don't know the reason the children aren't with their parents but wonder if he simply finds it upsetting when he can only contact them on a phone. Some children are more sensitive about things like that than other, perhaps the younger one's personality means he's happier to chat without being able to physically see his parents.

All children are different. Over the years we have spent a great deal of time with our eldest granddaughter, more than her two younger siblings in fact, but now she is 20 and at university she seldom texts or emails us. Her two younger siblings, a girl of 9 and a boy of 8 use FaceTime to speak to us regularly as they don’t have phones yet. I recently spent some time with our eldest granddaughter in her student accommodation and I learnt that she is just somebody who is private by nature and needs her own space. She doesn’t love us any the less, she is just a different personality, in fact very like me at that age. What I am saying is that all children have different personalities and it is a mistake to compare one with the other.

Just another thought an older hand me down phone might not be high on the list of a 9 year old to have by his side or in his pocket so it could be as simple and truthful that he doesnt have it with him to hear it also you say he can’t take it out the house so maybe he’s out playing with his friends and again doesn’t have it to hear

A phone even an old one might be a real novelty for a 7 year old

Probably as he said, he didn't hear it or was too busy.
Everyone is different nina and just because his younger brother texts every day, doesn't mean that there is something wrong with the 9 yo not doing.
My Ds instantly answers his phone and texts and speaks to me on the phone probably every day.
My gorgeous and lovely Dd otherwise, is a standing joke with the family as she never answers her phone, it's either still switched off from work or it's in her bag,etc.
She also never chats on the phone and has told me that she's not comfortable with it. Although, she talks a lot on the phone at work and is fine with that.
So, you see, it could be just his preference not to talk.

Yes this does sound normal and especially normal for a boy They rarely have much to say to adults I think your expectations of a daily text or call like your 7 year old is way too much to wish for
I don’t know you’re background story but presumably there is a good reason why the children are placed with their grandparents perhaps he is finding it hard to adjust and phone calls are hard to handle for him
Keep all lines of communication open but have no expectations I have two grandchildren that are awful on the phone with adults although they can text for England with friends but I often don’t get any replies and accept that

DD and their dad get upset and cross that surely isn’t a useful reaction they are the adults and they should understand that their son is obviously trying to process all the changes and relationships in his life he’s not adult with adult cognitive skills perhaps he finds it hard to adjust to being away from home (not sure if this is a new situation or not) perhaps he feels left out of their life and is protecting himself from more hurt or changes or MOST likly he is a young chap with not much to say to adults 9 year old boys don’t do small talk
You say he is happy when he sees them accept that for now it’s obviously all he can manage

Just because the 7 yo keeps in contact does not mean the 9 year old will. Siblings are often like chalk and cheese and the 9 year old probably has more important (to him) calls on his time.

But he’s a child. Their frustration is pointless. Talking to people on the phone is boring when there is so much better things to be done in a 9 year olds world. I’m
Why are they only seeing him every other weekend? That’s not current enough. For a child that’s a huge stretch to see both parents. Do they discuss topics that interest him? Is he into football fortnite, are they watching their language insuring that they’re not showing their frustration? They need to stop asking why he isn’t picking up the phone.

Bibity ok I admit I have worded it wrong. They get frustrated with him but never show him that.