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Adult son advice please

(61 Posts)
pen50 Tue 27-Aug-19 21:18:12

My son is 25 and a NEET. Not by choice but he is struggling to get anything beyond the odd day of casual work.

He underperformed at school; if you talked to him you would think him one of the brightest people you'd ever met but nevertheless an expensive education only left him with two Ds and an E at A level. I have recently discovered that he couldn't actually handwrite properly and he's been working on that. I think that he might be mildly autistic but he's never been diagnosed.

His schooling was disrupted by our move abroad when he was 12. He went then to a British International School and unfortunately found himself as part of the first cohort to take the International Baccalaureate Middle Years Programme, rather than GCSEs. It was not terrifically successful for anyone and certainly not for my son, though he did scrape a pass.

At his choice he then went to another school to do A levels. This period coincided with a marked deterioration in my husband's health and I took my eye off the ball. Son went through a bad patch, mixed with the wrong crowd, and generally didn't put his back into his work. His A level results were entirely justified.

On leaving school he did a year of basic accountancy training at evening classes but gave it up. At the same time he got a job in some sort of financial services start up but it folded. After messing about for a while he finally decided to try teaching English as a foreign language. He did a training course and then lived in Europe for a year but couldn't earn enough to keep himself and finally returned after a year, much skinnier.

His father died a few months later and son and I returned to the UK at the end of 2016. I found a reasonable job with little difficulty but he has found nothing. He has been rejected for real work, voluntary work, access courses, foundation degrees - you name it, he hasn't been able to get it.

He's not horrible. A bit shy, a bit diffident. Horribly depressed and dejected, of course. He speaks with a posh accent which might put some people off but surely not everyone. He leads a pretty blameless life nowadays.

One thing which has surfaced recently was that a websearch of his name plus our town leads to an article about a violent criminal of the same name. Not my son of course but it appears that at least one college rejected him because they thought it was him. They purported to reconsider once the mistake was pointed out to them but rejected him again.

One final point - he is apparently unable to claim Universal Credit (all that's available in our area) because I earn (just) too much. Which also seems to mean that he cannot access any governmental help to get out of this hole.

Urmstongran Thu 05-Sep-19 07:59:04

Perhaps he is a loner who is now depressed and needs medication? Weed does weird things apparently to teenage minds.

Hetty58 Thu 05-Sep-19 08:37:46

Pen50 Your son is entitled to receive benefit. It seems as if he'll need your help and support in accessing it. You are not expected to finance him as he's an adult.

In your situation I would seek advice from CAB, your family GP and your local college (without him in tow) to find out what help you can access for him. Whether he cooperates is another matter.

Not every young adult can cope with the job seeking or education demands expected of them. Perhaps some voluntary work or behaviour therapy may be beneficial for him.

Loislovesstewie Thu 05-Sep-19 08:51:44

Of course he is entitled to Universal Credits! your income has nothing to do with it; at his age he is an adult and entitled to claim. I think that either someone has misinterpreted the rules or has not completed the claim fully. I would suggest that he tries again , with you helping him, once he he claiming then he will be entitled to assistance with finding work. The Jobcentre can also refer young people to various projects which help those who are , shall we say, more challenging? I know of people who have found out that they have a learning disability from attending these courses so it's worthwhile from that point of view.

Hetty58 Thu 05-Sep-19 09:15:15

I used to teach unemployed adults sent by the jobcentre. A few examples I remember well are:

first, an older man who couldn't cope with being inside a large building. He'd often been abandoned at school by a mother who just took off and was then 'rescued' by social services, fostered temporarily and returned to her. He found work outside as a gardener.

second, a young father who reacted to any public stress (even mild) with meltdowns and acute migraines. He had trouble attending appointments, taking tests, speaking to strangers etc. but was happy at home. Eventually, he became the non-working house husband and his partner worked full time.

Grammaretto Thu 05-Sep-19 09:22:19

I hope the situation improves soon. This must be a worry to you. You are not alone. Several people we know have AC still living at home who have slipped through the net at some point.
Luckily they do receive benefits and have found voluntary work. I hope your son finds something soon.

My own AS has been unable to find another job since being made redundant over a year ago. He has a family and they are beginning to feel it. It does nothing for self esteem does it!

SpringyChicken Thu 05-Sep-19 10:24:40

What about a foundation course at a further education college? It's a twelve month course and there may be time for him to enrol for this term. My friend's daughter did this to gain enough points for university admission. It is hard work - because it's the equivalent of A levels and is chargeable (student loan) -but it will enable him to to kick start. Both my children have excellent jobs due to their degrees. If he chooses a degree wisely, it could be just what he needs. Mine did computer science and maths degrees and there is plenty of work for those graduates.

Daddima Thu 05-Sep-19 10:40:27

Maybe I’m being suspicious, but is he actually applying for things and going for interviews? He may have an issue which is stopping him.

mumofmadboys Thu 05-Sep-19 16:30:24

Pen50 you have my sympathy. Is it just the two of you living together? Is he open to talking calmly about his future with you? Can you encourage him by telling him what his good points are? Eg speaks well, good manners, good mental arithmetic, caring or whatever. Help him write a new CV and have a concerted effort between the two of you to find him a job. If he will cooperate that is. Also if the two of you are house sharing ask him to do something each day towards the home ie make a meal, shop, hang washing, ironing. Then praise him for it to boost his confidence. I hope things improve and he is able to get out of the rut he is in. Chat to him whether he feels he is depressed and whether he feels he has come to terms with losing his dad. Suggest counselling may help. Let us know how things go.

pinkquartz Thu 05-Sep-19 16:37:50

What about him taking some kind of voluntary work ?
He could then get used to the being out and busy and also use this on his CV as proof of what he can do.
If he can find some voluntary work in something he might enjoy then it could perhaps lead to a paid job in the future.
Proving that he is willing and capable of work of some kind would be his best bet.

I know my local supermarket is short of staff as students return to schools/uni........could he try for a supermarket job just to get a foot in the door?
If he has potential they will quite likely promote him in time...it often works that way.
At this stage I would say anything is better than nothing as far as work goes.

Brayve Tue 17-Sep-19 12:36:42

Your son is an adult and ypur income is irrelevant. He can claim Universal Credit and will have to sign a commitment to look for work. He will also get a job coach. How good the job coach is will unfortunately be luck of the draw. A good job coach will help him find work eeven if it starts with a bit of work experience. But as far as claiming goes ... If hes over 18 and not studying, he can claim UC. He has to do it online. If you have concerns that he may be dyslexic , help him out with filling in the information, remembering that he is in terms of social security rules, not your dependent. Who ever said he cant claim UC was speaking a load of rubbish. Ypur income is completely unrelated!