Am I being over sensitive

We know the circumstances of our own families but once our children have partners and children we have no idea what influences come to bear. Perhaps baby’s mother had domineering parents or even grandparents and she wants to preempt her baby being taken over. I know this isn’t your intention but perhaps she doesn’t. There are always fads around babies and childcare but we have to step back and allow the current generation to do things their way or in line with current guidelines unless, of course, they ask for advice.

Hetty 58 / sussexborn
Yes I guess every generation is different . Sons partner is a lovely girl very strong willed but very young - 21 yrs . Obviously my son will support her decisions and I wouldn’t want it any other way tbh . I guess the truth is being so far away I’m dreading missing out on my grandsons life

Is it that they think you will want to stay over in their house when they have a newborn that is worrying them?

I think if you suggested to your son that you will stay a night in a hotel nearby and pop in for a couple of hours on day 3 or 4 you might find they would be fine with that. They may just be daunted at the thought of having you stay over when they have a newborn. I think most new mothers are put in situations where they have to host relatives when they baby arrives, which is absolutely not what they want or need at the time.

Why do so many people commenting here think this is a trend?
It’s exactly what I wanted 40 years ago - but my lovely and excited parents just did not get it. I understood they were excited, because we were close and I loved them dearly, but it was VERY annoying. They arrived unannounced (no phone) from 120miles away, on day 2. They did not stay and did not do it for subsequent children.

As the DM of my DS and MiL, the DM of the new Mum was priority I thought when my DS and his wife had their first child.

I saw my gorgeous DGD after about a week. I think that is normal. My DiL had a rough delivery too, so I was happy with what I was offered.

Have patience, meant kindly.

Why do so many people commenting here think this is a trend?

Because it’s not how they did it, and therefore it’s one of those annoying things they can blame on younger women being precious

lizzie, your son and girlfriend obviously want you involved, which I think is sweet.

I understand your confusion, but you’ll need to follow their wishes.

I think you must be feeling very guilty about moving away to have decided this is a slight against you.

Your daughter doesn’t have a horse in this race and is stirring shit. Tell her to stay in her lane. Does she dislike your sons partner,

This is most certainly a trend with new mums at the moment fuelled by social media.
It can be stressful having to deal with a newborn plus lots of well wishers so no visitors for a couple of weeks is becoming pretty standard.
You should not feel offended, just fit in with the parents wishes and all will be fine.

Esspee I really don’t think this is a trend. I don’t think I was the only person wanting some space 40 years ago... and there was no social media then.
But you surely are right to suggest that the OP respects the wishes of the new family. It is, as you say, hard when you are first starting out as a mum and dad.

Summerlove I think you are right. Just because someone didn’t do (or want) this with their new babies it doesn’t mean that it’s wrong. I was grateful for this “space” for my second and subsequent babies.

"Why do so many people commenting here think this is a trend?

Because it’s not how they did it, and therefore it’s one of those annoying things they can blame on younger women being precious"

Nailed it.

This is not for the op, it is more of a psa.

Grandmas and grandpas with baby rabies:

You may or not have been waiting for a long time to have a grandchild. The moment is finally here. Congratulations!
You have all these ideas - babysit while parents go on a date, take care of your gc while parents work, help your children after birth, see your gc weekly so you can bond, take them to the zoo, presents you will buy, first christmas cuddles, etc.

Here come the bad news you may not want to accept:
Your kids do not have kids to make you grandparents, they have kids because they want to be parents.
It is not about you or how you did things when you were parents.
Calling something a "trend" is dismissive and arrogant just because you do not agree with it
You also followed rules or "trends".
Childcare and babycare rules change very often, even yearly.
It is not personal, it is what science and medicine recommends and/or what the parents want to follow and agree with.

Finally and the most important item: the mother of the baby is also very important.
Dismissing the health of the mother and concentrating just on the baby as soon as baby is born is very insulting.

The mother is not an incubator who resets her own settings immediately to healed status. She is a person, not a non-entity who becomes obsolete when she gives birth.

She needs time to adjust, heal, bond with her child, bond as a family (father, mothet and child), learn how to take care of her child without unwanted interferences (the unwanted village) and be a mother and a family of 3 (or 4 or 5...).

She has to take care of her newborn AND take care of herself while running on 4 hours of sleep per night for months. That is a hero in my book.

I am sure you are thinking she is not the first woman to ever give birth and she is a special snowflake. You did it and you also did x, y, z a day after the birth, why can she do it?

Because she (and your son, or daughter and son in law) is not you.
Because the society minimizes the role of a mother, all she does and takes it for granted.
Because she (and the father of the baby) have the right to decide how to live their lives.

So, grandparents, you are no longer in control or the center of tour children and gc's lives. Your adult children are.
Be respectful of the parents' wishes and you will enjoy being the grandparent of that gc, in family harmony

Congratulations on being a granny-to-be!
My grandchild was born in Australia and we had to wait 7 long months before they came to visit us here in UK . It was one of the only times I’ve enjoyed waiting at Heathrow! Another Ozzy baby is due next May- I would love to be there BUT I’m going to wait and see if Both parents feel they need us and ask us to come . I think it’s very important to stay on the sidelines as a supporter and be there if needed, the young family really do need the precious first days to themselves .

Lizzie10, I don't think you're being overly sensitive. I think it's a natural thing for most grandparents to want to see their grandchildren as soon as possible after the birth. The fact that you don't live close by, and you won't be able to pop along to the hospital for a quick visit once baby arrives, is obviously making you feel a little left out. I totally understand how you feel, as my DS and his family live overseas, and the thought of having to wait for weeks to see my first GC, I found very upsetting. As it turned out, my DS & DiL did want us there straight away (obviously not at the birth!), although DiL's mum wasn't too happy about us arriving, but it wasn't her call! It all worked out in the end though!

All couples are different. Some love having visitors/family around, and some want their own time together without interference from anyone else. At the end of the day, you have to abide by what they want, and don't take anything personally. I'd suggest you speak to your DS and his partner, and tell them that you fully understand and appreciate their wishes to have time alone together when mum & baby go home. Just ask them if they would mind, when baby arrives, if you book into a B&B for 2 or 3 nights, so you can at least have the odd short visit to see your grandchild. You could always enjoy spending the extra time with your daughter whilst you're there ... and do a little baby shopping together! And then, once they are more settled into their routines, they perhaps wouldn't mind having you stay for the odd weekend so you can get to spend a little time with them and your GC.

Rest assured, in my experience, I've found that on subsequent visits, the new parents have been very welcoming, and more than willing to pass GC over to nannie & grandad so that they can have a rest! I come home exhausted, but I enjoy every moment of it!Lol

The worst thing you can do is to have disagreements, try to be easy going, even though you may feel a little left out. Just go with the flow, be guided by your DS and his partner, and enjoy being a grandparent.

Nansnet
Thank you for your kind wise words and understanding

this is a comment on the bonding period idea, not re OP.
some people seem dismissive in calling it a trend. I don't think that's the right attitude.
maybe in the past the fathers were less involved in daily care of the infant, and indeed had to go straight back to work so couldn't be. therefore the new mother may have needed assistance from others, wider family.
nowadays many new parents want to establish themselves as a unit with the new-born, before they face outwards again to the wider world, including relatives.
it's their right to do so, and should be respected, not decried. that's the wrong attitude. it's arrogant. no wonder some relationships break down and end up no contact.

Welbeck
Very well said

I didn't want anyone coming round until my babies were about 4 weeks old. My Mum popped in. MIL didn't get a look in for about 5 weeks.

We're all different.

Go by what the young couple want, especially the new mother.

I'd book a few days at a B&B for after the 2 week bonding period.

It won't be any hardship for you to wait two weeks.
It could be a great hardship for the new mother to have visits she doesn't want, while she is trying to adjust to life with her baby.

A point that's often forgotten is that, in earlier times, a hospital birth meant a stay of a week while the mum and baby got to know each other. Visitors were restricted to hospital visiting times.
Now, mum and baby are likely to go home the next day or even on the day of the birth.

Everyone is different.
I am glad that I had visitors and even more glad that I could visit my daughter in the first few days.
I didn't stay with her though. I just visited for about 3 hours and then left.
Perhaps overnight visitors are best avoided for two weeks.

If there are older children then it would be more difficult to create this "Babymoon" So is it just for the first born?

If there are older children then it would be more difficult to create this "Babymoon" So is it just for the first born?

A babymoon is actually usually a vacation similar to a honeymoon before a baby is born.

What young couples are doing after baby is born doesn’t seem to have a name in my experience. But you can just as easily have time home with two children without visitors as you can with one. It’s all about their immediate family learning how to work together.

With 2nd or later babies, at least the mother has an idea what to expect.
That's often not the case with a 1st baby.

Awww, this must be so hard for you?. When we had our babies 30 years and more ago, we told everyone they could see them straight away, and then we shut our doors for two weeks. For our first two, it was easier because everyone was local. For the second two, we’d moved. We applied the same principal, but we had other things going on in the family, which meant we weren’t seeing them much anyway. I think my parents were actually staying with us for our third child, and we’d had a rift with the in laws which was placated for a short time after this birth. My son and daughter in law had a horrible time after the birth of their first son. Her parents, who she doesn’t get on with, came 400 miles and just plonked themselves in their house literally. They went to the hospital to pick up the keys to their house and just slept where they could. Then when they got home with the baby, various other members of her family turned up in shifts!! There was no room in their house. We’d spent all her pregnancy emphasising how important the quiet time afterwards is. Try to accommodate their wishes as much as you can. My DIL’s relationship with her family has completely broken down now. Be in the background, but there if you’re needed. I hope you have a wonderful time with your new grand child?

My eldest is 37 and that was what I did. I don't think I was unique either. I just wanted a few weeks with my little ones

Just didn't want the faff of having people popping in

Sounds like the majority has it right. Do give them the space they request, ideally come and meet baby and stay in a B&B when LO is two weeks old for a few days. We made the mistake of inviting my Ils to come stay with us for a week when my first born was 2 weeks old and our relationship never recovered. We had no overnight stays when our second was born and we barely saw folks at all when our 3rd was born and it was WONDERFUL. My Ils didn’t meet my youngest until she was over 3. Their selfishness when my first was born helped make that quite an easy decision.