Boomerang children

Past that period of my life now - but, when adult children, for any reason came back to live with me, I always made them pay towards the costs of doing so.
When my 18 year old daughter decided to take gap year before uni, and worked I took a small percentage of her earnings. 50% of this I saved and gave her that money just before she did go up to Uni. Another daughter came back to live with me when she was 20 years old, unemployed and sick. Much to her (then fury) I insisted she gave me half of the benefit money she received each week. Again, I saved all this - and when she finally sorted herself out and moved out gave her this as a lump sum.
Now, many years later she tells me that at the time she thought I was the most uncaring mother possible taking that money - but now she realises how right I was to do that and how it helped her to understand the real meaning of money. She has never been in debt in her life (except, obviously for mortgage), and she puts that down to that experience.
Do not think it is really kind, in the long run, to 'keep' adult children. Part of good education for life is learning how to cope with household bills,, etc.
If you have the room no reason not to have them stay for a limited period. No reason for you to do the cooking and washing. When my son moved back with me when he broke up with his partner, he lived in the house, gave me some money each month, but lived independently -doing his own cooking and washing, etc. etc. He stayed for sometime and eventually his new fiancee moved in with him - I liked the fact that the large house did not have just me rattling around in it. But no way would I have wanted to be a housekeeper/cook, etc for them

Thank you all so much for your reply’s and advice . Everything seems clearer after I was getting worked up . I now feel lucky to have my 3 sons able to come hone if needed but realise I must be strict with them paying their way even if I save that for them . And doing more chores too xx

I understand why you feel guilty but make a real effort to see that if you don't act now and stay firm, you are first of all empowerting someon who should be solving his own problems to put them onto you. No, stop it.

Secondly you're denying yourself and partner, the right to peace in your own home.

The moment you start to feel guilty, imagine how wonderful it will be when you are all by yourself with no mess and no hassle. That should kick the guilt right out the door!

Stick to your guns, you've had 38 years of it. Enough is enough - they are NOT babies.

Our youngest came back for a year with her little girl after she left her partner, we were so relieved that she’d left him ( a really nasty piece of work) that we did everything we could to help her.

Looking back, we made it too easy, we didn’t charge her any rent because we wanted her to save for a deposit, I did all the cooking, cleaning, and eventually washing and ironing because I couldn’t stand piles of everything everywhere. I babysat almost every night, while she was back out living a single life, which enabled her to get involved with present partner, worse than the first one.

But that’s another story!

Grown kids need to pay up! They should be contribute to bills and the mortgage. Not as much as a renter, but something! And 100% chores taken care of by them as part of the deal. That way, they'll be motivated to move out.

If any of my adult children came to live with me there would be very clear rules including paying 'rent', doing their share of household chores (eg. washing up, vacuuming and bathrooms), having an agreed roster for preparing shared meals and everyone being responsible for their own breakfast and lunch. Depending on circumstances, time limits on length of stay may also be appropriate.

Adult children are just that - adults who happen to be sharing a house with parents. There is a difference between being a caring, supportive mum and creating dependency.

Allsaints, are you making it too easy and too comfortable for your children?