DS & DIL struggling with IVF

Pippa22, your post brought tears to my eyes, that’s so sad, and must have been bad for such drastic action to be taken. I was adopted....and although I had a good life in the sense of being well looked after, I didn’t feel particularly loved by my mum, and my dad was oblivious really. I was lucky, and able to have my children very easily, but my husband and I discussed whether we would adopt if we couldn’t have our own. I just couldn’t have personally, but am glad not all people feel like that. twiglet77, it must be heartbreaking for you, but I can’t see how you can advise...just be there when they want to talk. As someone else said, it may be if they relax, and stop making it the focus of their lives, your DIL may naturally conceive. Hope so, and all the best?

I can't begin to imagine how this all feels but I'm sure it impacts on a person's mental health.

I think the best you can do is assure them that you are thinking of them.

It is probably best not to make suggestions about adoption, or trying to come to terms with the fact that they may remain childless.

If your son brings up these topics than you will have to say something, but especially long-distance, it is not a good idea to start these discussions.

Please, do make sure your DIL knows that you respect (love) her. It is very, very hard for a childless Chinese wife not to feel that her parents-in-law are not just waiting for the day when their son divorces this (useless) woman. You are not, but help her to understand that you know she loves your son and he her and that that is the really important thing to you all.

It is hard for us to understand these attitudes to a childless woman, but they do still exist in other parts of the world.

My DS and DIL went through this two years ago. They had the IVF allowed on the nhs, then spent their savings on more tries. My son had an operation to possibly clear some sort of blockage, which the surgeon said was 'worth a try'. He says the resultant scarring is hideous. Nothing worked; it was just month after month of heartbreak. I have always thought that having a child is a gift, not a right but when I read of parents who mistreat their kids, or worse, I wonder what it's all about.

I so feel for the couple, and for you.
All I can add is---just be there when they want/needyou, and judge what loving messages and small gifts you can send them, totally unrelated to their IVF journey.
As already mentioned, your DIL needs your love and acceptance possibly even more due to her culture

I also agree don't go down the---possitive childlessness and adoption route---- unless they bring it up

I was desperate for children, 2 miscarriages then 3 live births having been told that the third must be my last---so we became Foster Parents.
110 foster children later we have seen many go on to be part of very successful, happy , Adoptive families.
My youngest DD ironically also had to go through ICSI, ironic because she knew just how easily some of the birth mums of our FC fell pregnant

Fortunately for them she became pregnant the first time,then went on to have a natural conceptio, a 1 in 50 chance for them.
Infertility and the longing for a child is a very difficult subject to raise, and as it is bound up in emotion, social and cultural issues it is also something that is individualto each and every one of us

I feel sad for you not being able to do or say anything to help. My DS and his DW who live in NZ were together 20 years and we never talked about DGC (they had asked us not to) and we assumed they had chosen not to have any. Suddenly, out of the blue, DS phoned with big news. They were expecting!
That was 9 years ago but just writing this I am feeling the excitement all over again. He is 8 now and there won't be others.

My Dsis and her DH adopted 2 boys and I know plenty of others who have adopted or been adopted. Another family foster DC and love doing that. They don't want to have DC by choice.
Very wise words grandtante

I just find it hard to understand why people would put themselves through this process and again when success is so unlikely after so many failed cycles.
I would have thought it would be relatively simple for a Chinese woman to adopt a Chinese child, though they would obviously have to go through the full legal process in this country.
A member of my family found that it was almost impossible for them to have a baby naturally and thus they would probably not be accepted for NHS IVF. Knowing the mental and physical trauma associated with IVF they made to brave decision not to try privately but to move on to adoption.
I can appreciate the drive in people to have natural children, but there must come a time when they stop damaging themselves.

All of this, particularly since by Chinese standards she has left it very late for babies. As grandtanteJE65 says, as parents in law, thankfully you are Western and won't judge in the way Chinese in law's would have done. Maybe send a card, not referring to the IVF but addressing them as beloved family.

I’m with you, Esspee. Having a child is a privilege, not a right, and I hate to think what the strain of this constant IVF treatment is having on their marriage.

I know of one IVF baby that was born after the first attempt. They thought they'd try for another, but 4 more rounds proved unsuccessful so they now foster.

My sister tried and failed. Our relationship has never been close but after I popped out 3 children with no problems, I don't think she ever really forgave me.

Wanting a baby may not be a right but for some women, and men, it can be devastating. The future they'd planned won't come to fruition.

I have every sympathy for anyone wanting to conceive.

twiglet77, this is a very hard time for you all. I have one GC through what was for my daughter (eventually) successful - but painful and emotionally draining- IVF. She/SIL wanted a second child very much; but had to come to terms with the fact that it was not going to happen. They decided to come to terms with the situation, and concentrate instead on all the positives in their lives. (Adoption/fostering was considered but was not an option after my SIL later became ill).

This has been a good decision, especially now my SIL's condition has deteriorated and he may not live to see his child grow up.

Just a thought - I had several great aunts of the first world war generation who missed out on having their own children. I loved them dearly and they were as central to my life as my grandmothers were. These aunts chose to develop close relationships with other children in the family, while at the same time taking on worthwhile work and developing other interests. They were brilliant role models.

I wish you and your family every comfort during this difficult time

It’s very hard to watch DC going through this - I remember my daughter coming to tell me she and SIL were categorised as ‘sub-fertile’ and were signed up for tests and IVF. She had been on the pill 15 years since she first started taking it for acne, and my own cycle was significantly disrupted after only being on the pill for four years so I thought that might be a reason. I said all the wrong things about relaxing etc. But then the miracle happened and she was pregnant with DGD. Three years later they tried for another baby, and not only did she fall pregnant easily, she had twins! DD’s friend has had several IVF cycles and has been pregnant three times only to lose the babies, before finding out that a stitch in her cervix would have saved the pregnancies. I do hope your DIL and DS have a happy ending

Two of my grandchildren were IVF babies. My daughter was lucky and was successful at the first attempt. No 2 took a bit more doing but not too much compared with some. But without going into details, the marriage broke down later and IVF was certainly a factor. My daughter also has some physical health issues which may be attributable to to process too.

So it is not an easy path. I said very little but just tried to be supportive generally.
It does seem to become an obsession once a couple goes down that road and maybe, just maybe, parenthood is not for everyone, but that is so hard to accept.

No-one has to go down the IVF route, there is another way. It was pioneered by a Guildford nursery teacher, Nim Barnes, who realised that the children she taught were increasingly showing signs of chemical damage from food, allergies for example. She created a charity to help women conceive naturally, and the success rate was phenomenal. Working with the university of Surrey, and trained doctors, couples experiencing problems or who had had a baby with a disability, were tested for their mineral and vitamin status in their blood and hair. Then they were asked to stop trying to conceive for the next six months, eating organically as much as possible and taking the bits and mins prescribed. No alcohol either. The aim was to reach an excellent level of health in both parents before conception. After six months and another test, if all was well they could try for a baby. The success level was phenomenal, at 86%, even with the parents coming to her with all their previous problems ie a very skewed sample. In private, she told me once at an AGM that she reckoned that she could get anyone to have a healthy baby with this simple strategy. I recommend it. There are some practitioners who use this, who can be found on the internet in the UK, although the charity has now closed.

Would they consider adoption? Or fostering? So many children are in Care or homes and desperate for homes and loving parents

Athenia, I think you are referring to Foresight. After an almost 20 year gap between children I tried to conceive for almost a year and I ended up having a late termination due to severe abnormalities. We joined Foresight and within 3 months of following their advice after analysis I became pregnant straight away and had we had our daughter 27) who now has her own daughter whom we love dearly.

Athenia and glammagran, I remember Foresight too! I remember thinking that their thinking made a huge amount of sense, and I still wonder how very different the world would be if our focus was on getting people to their optimum health rather than waiting for them to fall ill and then try and repair them.

IVF is emotionally and financially draining but I fully understand why couples do it However, after failing to conceive, and subsequently rejected for baby adoption by UK adoption agency, as they were in the forties, a very good friend of mine adopted two lovely Chinese girls from a Chinese orphanage, one was adopted at 9 months old, and the second adoption was at nearly two. They have both been a delight to them. The process, 18 years or so ago was very time consuming as they had to be approved by both UK social services and chinese authorities. The eldest will be off to university soon.

But all that healthy eating, optimum health etc would make the poor couple feel even more depressed and like failures if it didn't work.
It also doesn't explain why some very unhealthy people get pregnant far too easily. I am thinking of the birth mother of my adopted nephew who had 6 DC by 6 fathers and was a heroin addict. He was born with foetal drug syndrome.

Good luck to you all. I do believe that anxiety and worry can hinder fertility which is why you hear of people who get pregnant naturally after giving up all hope and adopting a child.

Esspee I, like you cannot understand this drive to keep going with IVF. I know humans intervene in all sorts of health issues now many of them not life threatening but to make life easier for us. Not all work. IVF is one of those interventions. Your DS and DIL should look to have a life together with all the advantages of not having children. There can be a wonderful life for them.

My heart goes out to you. My DD and SiL are going through IVF. Two failed efforts so far and poor care from one of the country's supposedly best womens hospital took its toll. My DD was about to call quits on their marriage when last Christmas she became pregnant naturally but miscarried 8 weeks later. They are now hoping to try IVF again if their funding can be transferred to a different clinic. Please understand that wanting a baby is not like wanting a bar of chocolate when you are on a diet or wanting a dress you can't afford. It is the deepest almost primeval longing. It makes no difference if we talk about amoeba and lichens or elephants and great whales, the only reason why nature in any form exists is to reproduce and continue the species. Having nice holidays and a comfortable lifestyle is no compensation at all if every atom of your being is longing for a child of your own. And never forget the impact on the family and friends. My DD's situation is always the "elephant in the corner". My other DD has 2 DCs, they would like a third, but would feel almost guilty if they did. My DS is engaged and hope to start a family soon. He is already dreading telling his sister if his fiancee becomes pregnant. My DD's friends find themselves apologising when they announce their pregnancies. My heart breaks for my DD . Watching her pain is utterly destroying for all of us.

It's really not helpful for some posters on here saying that they don't really approve of IVF, people can have a good life without children, it can lead to ill health and all the rest of the negative comments. Couples undergoing IVF know all of this, there is so much information out there, but they are prepared to take the risk to achieve their dream.
What they need is the unconditional love and support of their families while they endure it, and sometimes money as well if possible.
My daughter had 4 rounds of IVF at considerable expense in terms of money, pain, fear and grief. I said I would support her in any decision she made but not to stop just because of money, only if she couldn't take it any more. I would have mortgaged my house to enable her to achieve her family if that's what it took. She had a baby in the middle of lockdown! She will go through it all again next year. I have been terrified for her throughout but this is about her , not me.
Not everybody can cope with adoption and not everybody's fertility issue can be solved by healthy eating and vitamins. It is really not for us to judge but to be eternally grateful if we and our own children managed to effortlessly conceive.

magsymoo well put and thank you.

Hi after 8 yrs of trying and 5 courses of IVF we were lucky enough 31 yrs ago to get pregnant with twins we miscarried one embro at 13 weeeks but the other clung on and we have a 31 yr old son and two grandchildren now of 3 and 10 mths. It was very hard and straining Both mentally and physically and you need a really strong marriage to go through it all but looking back I would have done the same and if we hadn’t been in debt would have tried again for a second child. I send my good wishes to you and the family, send them love ?

There is little that you can do but be supportive. It’s very sad for them, and the obsession can take over their lives, and possibly wreck their marriage. They are the only ones to be able to take the decision to stop, though. I have been blessed with my adopted daughter, but adoption isn’t as easy nowadays, and not everyone feels that it is right for them.
My friend’s DD and SIL went through several rounds of unsuccessful IVF. Her DD was in a terrible state, each time. I think that sometimes your body knows that you are stressed out, and decides that it’s not a good time to have a baby. She was becoming desperate.
Then a friend of theirs had a family crisis, and the DD stepped in to help them. I don’t know if the fact that she was distracted from all the pregnancy stuff helped, or not, but she conceived twins naturally, not long after, then had another baby two years later.
My own DD came late to marriage, and was told, at 40, that her eggs were ‘getting past their use-by date’, with little chance of a natural pregnancy. One of her friends offered to donate eggs, and with the very first implantation she was lucky to get pregnant, and have a lovely daughter. By then she was 44, so they decided not to attempt to implant another embryo. Just one round of the treatment really took it out of her. Five must by physically and mentally exhausting.