How can I be confident making decisions with a bully controlling manager?

Another vote for assertiveness training here. You have past issues, and I think your online name has some clues. You say you panic when people explain things to you. Why is that? I would have a little reporter's notebook and pen handy at all times, and when the manager approaches you, just say: "I'll just make a few notes as an aide memoire." That gives you a little breathing space, and you will be looking at your notebook and not at him as you write. Put the date and time and write down brief notes of what he says. Write verbatim anything threatening or inappropriate. This will also have the effect of putting him on notice without you having to be too obvious you are onto him. You can say: "Okay, I'll take a look at that," and then do just that. Has he suggested something useful, albeit in an unfortunate manner? If so, you can do as he suggested. If it's all or mostly negative, the pattern will be clear and you have the notes to take to a senior manager or HR. We all come across bullies at work; I have certainly suffered a fair few. You need to develop tactics and strategies to deal with them. Good luck!

Turn it back on him.Ask what he would do?He obviously is no good at managing people if you feel that bad about work.l would look for another job and leave asap.

I've been there - twice and it can damage your confidence permanently .
The first time was after returning to work after having several weeks off from being rushed into hospital with a bleeding stomach ulcer. This woman was moved into my office and made a manager over the head of my manager and she proceeded to make both of our lives hell.
She basically had caused so much trouble elsewhere in the business and s that this was her last chance or she would have to leave.
The second time the boss was a complete nit picker. There was no day in the 7 months I worked for her when I didn't do something wrong - mainly through ignorance as I didn't know the process and just her being plain nasty because I had spelt names wrong, put a comma in the wrong place and put the wrong address, even though she had told me to do it that way!
For all you know, your boss may be in the same situation. But that isn't your problem.
If you can sit and talk to him and come to a conclusion that you will work together - whatever extra training he can give you, be it internal or external such as going on courses, you can pass on any information with him and in fact work as a team rather than against each other.
I would suggest speaking to HR if you have one - but in my experience, they can add to the problem and make a situation worse if they only think from an employers point of view.
How much did you actually enjoy your job before this all started to happen? If it was just a means to an end , a way to pay your bills, it may be better for you to look into training if even in your own time, loads of courses online , and then move on. Nothing is worth damaging your mental health over.

I was bullied by my manager, went sick and put in a grievance and ended up being paid off. I know that she was jealous of me but that didn't help how I felt and hit rock bottom before I realised what was happening to me. Some colleagues stuck with me but others who were also being bullied on times didn't. I used the money to pay off some of my mortgage and got straight into another job. I know not everyone is as lucky as I've been. I wish you good luck. You don't always realise how low you are until it's got on top of you.

I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. I had two bullying managers in the last 10 years of my career. They were both younger than me and insecure. The first time I didn’t know how to deal with it and left the job. I was able to find another - luckily. The second time I had learnt how to deal with it better. I stood up to her by immediately giving my point of view when she said something critical or just ignored the nitpicking, smiled at her and carried on doing my job as I saw fit. She tried to make out I was ‘past it’ so I played along with that and sometimes just ‘forgot’ to carry out her more ridiculous requests. She went on maternity leave and the whole team breathed a sigh of relief. Shortly after I retired. It’s a good idea to keep a record of your manager’s tactics and speak to HR. There may have been other complaints.

I feel for you ineedamum. Could you ask him if he is ok? He will ask why, because people do. Explain so so nicely that you feel lockdown is really affecting him and that he can come across as picky, but hey ho perhaps it’s not working face to face. Perhaps he’ll be brought up short and think a bit.

After working for lots of managers over the years I have come to the conclusion that a good manager is very rare. They might be good at some parts, but never the complete package.
One bully type told me not to rock the boat or I might fall out. This man was very well respected and any mention of my difficulties was met with ' oh you know how he is,'
I did find ways around it as he needed my expertise. When he retired things were better for quite a few years until a restructure meant I was heading for a totally obnoxious manager. So I took voluntary redundancy and took a lower paid job for 3 years until I retired.
I guess what I'm saying is that you could end up in a worse situation if you move. Try the advice offered on here to start with, but if you are still truly unhappy, move on.
Good luck

Always ask for confirmation of what he is doing by email, then forward his answers to your home email, so you have proof of what he is doing.
Can you go to his manager to discuss it?
Good luck.

Forget resigning , forget union reps. Not productive .This is a time to learn some conflict management techniques. I too have been bullied at various times in an otherwise very successful and senior career. I learnt many years ago that as said by some you have to learn to have courage stand up for yourself and confront ( in a professional & reasoned way the situation face to face. ) Write down what you want to say. Tell your story or version of what its like and then ask for his ( he may see things differently.) Yes I read" a woman in her own right "when i was about 20....now 70 !! I came across many men and women in my career who tried to bully. Sometimes being assertive worked- sometimes it didn't but its a great skill to learn. You at least feel as though you have said your piece but in a constructive way.. You may have to record conversations and eventually take them to HR but if possible try to resolve them yourself. I can assure you that if you are able to come to a compromise about whats next you will have learnt some great lessons in resilience and dealing with difficult people. We all see things differently and there are two sides to a story whether at work or at home so please try talking first!

Don't have him the satisfaction of leaving, speak to someone higher up if you can. He sounds a bit of a bully to me, don't let him put you down or feel you can't do the job.
I was training as a manager years ago for a shoe chain. My old boss left and I got a new one who was to continue my training. She ended up a bully, undermining me in front of staff & customers until I was ready to pack it all in. I was doing all her work and some and was in tears every night when I got home. I ended up and spoke to my area manager who then gave me my first managers position in a town near me. Few months later I got relocated back to my original branch as manager because my boss had to leave with stress cos she couldn't cope with the larger branch. I had been doing all her work for her and when I moved branches she couldn't cope with the workload on her own. Doesn't always work out for the bully.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

I had a boss a bit like that. She was promoted and I then got her old job. She never really let go of it so if I made a decision I was criticised for makinga different call than she would. If I asked her opinion I was criticised for not making a decision! In the end after checking with my husband that we could manage if I quit, I resigned without a new job. It cost me financially but my stress levels reduced tremendously. Shortly afterwards I fell pregnant. The colleague who took my old job came to see me in hospital after I gave birth. I asked how things were with the boss and she said 'surprisingly ok!' Apparently she'd admitted she'd made mistakes with me! At least she learnt from them and my friend benefitted.
I managed to get temp work then another job quite easily, but the economic climate isn't the same now - it was over 30 years ago. However if the boss doesn't change, look for a new job and get out if you can. It's just awful being in a stressful position like that. My next job was a lot less well paid and I lost out on maternity benefit as I'd not been there long enough to qualify, but being happy at work more than made up for it, especially as it was nearer home, so I lost the stress and cost of the commute too.

I have had a few bullying managers in my time but working on stud farms or in stables...they have all been women. I just don't think some people are capable of motivating a team or managing people properly. He probably lacks the skills to be a proper manager which may be why he is making you feel this way. We all have issues which may also stem from childhood that we sometimes bring these into the work place and they affect how we deal with certain situations. If it is a new area of expertise you work in and you feel unsure of things it is best you ask for help. We spend a large part of our lives at work and if you are unhappy or feel bullied or too stressed at work then leave the job is my advice. Your health and mental well being is more important. I have worked in stables with lovely people and nice managers and so when i look back at the behaviour of those bullying and difficult managers I realise I made the right choice to leave those jobs.

If he humiliates you on how you have carried out a task immediateky ask him how he would have done it and why he didn't express his view at the time you were given the task. Sounds as if he is out of his depth with managing you or perhaps the kind of work he is responsible for. Do you have any colleagues, do they feel the same? If so could you speak with them on approaching either HR or your bosses line manager to express concerns. You know you are capable of the job involving problem solving, you now need to be capable of resolving this problem.

Can you speak with HR/Union re the matter?
Often you find that you are not alone and there are other complaints received.
Please apply for other jobs if you cannot take it any more, don't walk out and punish yourself.

Puzzled

The way to deal with a bully is to face them down.
Recently saw a dog expert face down a snarling Great Dane.
Suddenly G D stopped snarling and became obedient "Oh I can't frighten this one"
All part of Relationship Training.
Stop adopting the "Child" role and become the "Parent".
It will probably only need to be done once.
A dogs stops chasing a cat when it stops and stands with a raised paw and claws out!

DO NOT try facing down snarling dogs EVER

Just leave, life is far too short to become stressed and anxious. Others before you have probably tried and failed to get this man to change his personality.

If you feel his bullying will lead to you handing in your notice you should report him. I have been in same situation and was told to keep a diary. The manager eventually retired.. I was told that she was given a little shove to do so. She really was not capable and did not like my abilities.

Having spent many years in management roles, with responsibility for many people over the years, I am still dismayed to hear these sorts of tales today. You have my sympathies, but you should discuss that behaviour with HR, or your union representative if that's appropriate.

Some years back, businesses started to deploy the annual appraisals which all too often afforded employers the ability to load questions so that they obtained the answers they wanted. If appraisals are not available to you to provide feedback - they should of course be 360 degree appraisals - unless this chap is known to HR, his behaviour is unlikely to change.

As I've know doubt others have said - this "manager" is patently out of his depth, has limited if any confidence in his own abilities.

There is an age old management maxim of praise in public chastise in private.

Fairly clear from what you described that this chap has been promoted beyond his abilities - and that impacts the performance of the whole business ultimately.

He is micro managing you - and that never comes from a position of strength. Next time ask him to give you proper feed back on your work.
Ask him/her specifically what can I do better, what am I doing well....
you may find that as you are inexperienced in your role atm it may be a case of trusting in you. I would say rather than bullying the person is coming from a position of weakness.

The main thing is to feel you have some control. Ask for an informal meeting. Give praise where it's due ( if you can find something) and calmly explain where things are not going as smoothly as they should. I agree with others that a bully often is insecure in their job and aware that they may be out of their depth. Pointing out that if you both help each other to get the job done properly, you will both look good to senior managers may help him see things in a different light.
It may be wise to make HR aware of the meeting or, if you don't do so and it isn't constructive, then go to them for advice.
If necessary, you can raise a grievance - and this may be from a group of you if he is treating others the same way.
If things don't improve, you can consider leaving but I wouldn't make it my first course of action unless you've already reached the point that the situation seems untenable/unfixable.
You have options. If it's already making you think about leaving, you've nothing to lose by trying to talk some sense into him or going down a formal route. Good luck.

Greenlady 102
You obviously did not see Graham Hall on TV.
We had a little stray kitten. A snarling black staffie stopped just out reach when Sam raised his paw and hissed.
Facing a bully is a matter of "Who blinks first"
Occupational Transaction training suggests various roles, Child / Parent /Little Professor.
Little professor does not work with bullies.
Parent, taking control and giving orders does!
Once a bully has been beaten once, they rarely return for a second losing match. They respect / fear their late opponent.

It seems its your boss that has the issues here, given the fact he has to go out of his way to bully & hinder you like that. I think you must give him an inferiority complex as hes surely going out of his way to put you down. It's quite pathetic really. Can't you go to someone above his head, and explain how appalling his behaviour is getting, and the fact that it's making you feeling really uncomfortable and undermined. You shouldn't have to work in that kind of environment, he sounds a complete idiot. Couldn't you find it in yourself to explain to him how troubling his behaviour is, and maybe aim for a more " do I intimidate you so much, that you feel the need to try gain superiority over me all the time" approach. Or " please will you just let me get on with my job" or "what's your problem"? It would really p... me off, I hate people who think it's okay to behave like this. A good one I once learnt, is the " silent, standing and frowning, staring straight into his eyes for a while when they've behaved like a kid." He will look really awkward and won't know what to do or say, and don't reply if he says anything, just keep frowning as if he doesn't make any sense. It might deter his future escapades. Good luck. I hope you soon find your confidence, you don't deserve this, and keep telling yourself so.

You have to learn how to say the polite version of "OK smartass-bullyboy, what would you have suggested?" Because you will n notice that he says nothing about why your answer is not correct, just that it is.

You need to try to be assertive with this bullying manager and be straight forward take him to one side , he should not be belittling you in front of other staff this is totally out of order. I am retired now but came across many bullies during my working life. You'll find that most managers are worried that staff working for them may know the job much better than they do and they feel threatened by this. Most managers ask staff for ideas because they can't think of any themselves even though they are well paid people. Don't resign certainly not unless you have another job offer in the pipeline. Stick it out and whatever you do don't let your manager know how unhappy he makes you feel, keep smiling and best of luck for the future