How to find someone

Electoral register?

Try the Salvation Army, they are good at this sort of thing.

You won’t like this, but you asked for suggestions, so here’s mine. Mind your own business and don’t meddle in other people’s lives. If your friend wants to track down her daughter and asks for your help, offer it. But there may be very good reasons for the estrangement that you don’t know about.

Have you looked at the estrangement threads on GN? Have a read and then think about whether you want to interfere. I'm sure you're motivation is kind but you're opening up a can of worms and it could backfire.

You have a kind heart Aveline but I agree, at least partly, with Geekesse you can't be sure what you are getting into here. You don't say if you knew your friend when her children were small and there may be a sound reason why the daughter felt she had to cut herself off. If your friend wants to do something about it herself you could point her in the direction of the Salvation Army but otherwise stay out.

Oh I do know. I'm really just thinking out loud on here. T has no idea how to contact her daughter. She's moved house herself so even if her daughter tried to contact her she couldn't.
I'm just so sorry to see such a good friend so sad. She'd let her guard down telling me how she felt.

If T wants to contact her daughter, maybe you can suggest that she use a people tracing service?

This could backfire if you interfere. Especially if the daughter feels that you are working from a one sided and inaccurate story. I think the friend thing to do is support T to take action herself, if she wants to.

I’m a bit worried by the implication that your friend is thinking about her daughter now that the friend is older and frailer and needs help. That doesn’t sound like a good reason to make contact after all this time.

What is LDs? Is the son disabled?

Even if they were still in contact and the estrangement had never happened the daughter shouldn’t be expected to take on the responsibility of care for her mother and brother. She has her own life and, probably, family to take care of.

If you made contact what would you tell her. That your friend needs help and you’re contacting her to tell her that’s what she should be doing.

Maybe think about how you would feel if somebody tracked you down to tell you what you should be doing with your life?

The Missing People charity might be able to help but the enquiry would have to come from your friend.

They have special access to government databases (DWP and DVLA, I think) which should, in theory, contain the current address.

They can act as a neutral contact point for messages between parties without revealing the whereabouts of the person being sought.

They helped me when I lost contact with my brother and enabled us to find one another again.

www.missingpeople.org.uk/

I noticed that too Peasblossom. If my MIL ever comes for support with frailty, what a nerve that would be in the circumstances.

That's helpful Flexagon. I'll certainly give T this information.
If I had been able to find the daughter I'd definitely not be telling her what to do! Only to give her Mum's new address etc. I'm well aware of the delicacy of the situation!

I also think you should keep out of this. As much as you wish to help your friend , which is commendable, you have no idea of the reason her daughter has not been in contact.
I seriously doubt your friend does not know more than she is telling you at this point and why would she not have tried herself before now.

I do feel for your friend, but think you can only search for her daughter if she actually asks for your help.

I suspect that T will be very pleased to hear about the missing people charity which I'll tell her about if she raises the subject in future. I think she only opened up to me about this recently as she's running into health problems and is sort of reviewing her life and, I suppose, mortality. She's older than me.

Is her son disabled? Is she concerned about what will happen to him? Could this have anything to do with why she is interested in the daughter helping now?

I agree it’s up to T to try to get the daughter traced and you should simply tell her about the sources she might try and perhaps help her on the IT side if you can and her son can’t. I’m concerned as to whether T genuinely wants contact with her daughter or is thinking of the help the daughter might give. What is this LDs the son has? Might the daughter end up feeling morally obliged to care for two people?

LDS = Loeys–Dietz syndrome, perhaps? Or it may be a a form of MS, sometimes called ‘disseminated sclerosis’.

I suspect that all of the above might be on T's mind whether or not she's consciously aware of it. I can help re her son and his ongoing care and T has been so kind to so many people over the years that I expect there would be a queue of people wanting to help out in whatever way they can. However, T seems to be mourning the loss of her daughter. It's very sad.

If you know someone who could search Ancestry for you that may come up with a marriage which could lead to a name change. 192 directory has addresses and age ranges which might be useful if you are want to drop a line with say an email contact if they wish to re-establish contact. Facebook search may also throw up likely candidates. You have to be prepared for the fact that she may not want to make any contact.

I am another who thinks you should only help if asked, but otherwise as tempting as it is keep out
You have no idea why they are estranged, it’s funny as you seem good friends you call her a dear friend that she has never told you what happened or why she ‘disappeared
I would certainly share that with a close friend if it had happened to me

If she wanted to contact her mother she would, you do not know why they have estranged.

I doubt she would appreciate being contacted to provide help for someone she has no relationship with.

BlueBelle it is precisely that she is a dear friend that I know how extremely painful it was for her to mention the subject. I'd not even thought of the daughter for years and just presumed she had moved away. I was quite taken aback when she broke down and told me. I had no idea that they weren't in touch. T is very proud and I think she's embarrassed about it all.
Fear not. I won't do anything at all except hold myself in readiness to offer the link to that website mentioned above.

Peasblossom, when a grown up child cuts ties with her mother, the mother doesn’t emotionally cut ties with her, she respects her wishes, keeps away but she is always in her heart. I can’t see how you imagine she wants her daughter as a carer, she want to see her again, plain and simple. Her friend can realistically do nothing, but she can have empathy for how it feels to be in her position, you don’t have to be a bad person or a bad mother to be cut off, plenty of those still have their children round them. In most families there is usually someone estranged, it’s the worst thing out when it’s your child, almost as if some people are judging and thinking she must have been bad for that to happen, when they themselves haven’t been the perfect mom, for there isn’t one, we all do our best.

LD - learning disability.