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My dd has a baby the same age as she was when he cheated

(33 Posts)
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mumx5 Sat 02-Jul-22 12:27:41

Oh dear, I do feel that I am being unreasonable, but I just feel so hurt at not being heard.

I have no siblings myself, but have four children, my eldest has a gorgeous 9mo baby, a loving supportive husband and no mortgage. I feel blessed that she is having such a different experience as a new parent to me.

For some reason, I want her to hear my story about when I was a mother to her, when she was the same age as her little baby. I think this is something to do with me being an immigrant and feeling very isolated.

She knows but refuses to know that her dad cheated when I was a new mother, and further, he told me that he and his girlfriend had never used birth control or protection. (The aspect of birth control is not something I would share with my dd, ie she could have had a half-sibling.). That aspect mattered to me of course.

We were married for 6 years when this happened (eventually divorced after 33 years.). I didn't know at the time, but he took my, my baby girl, his girlfriend, and her young daughter (not his), he took us all to the zoo together.

I don't know why I want my daughter to listen. I suppose it is because--at the time--it felt like he was cheating on not just me but his baby daughter. Taking time out of his life to pursue a separate relationship.

I accept that I have been triggered by her gorgeous daughter, and feeling so happy for her that her husband is supportive and there for her. I won't ever bring this up again with my daughter. I accept that to want her understanding is inappropriate and immature of me.

What are your kind thoughts on the matter? Thank you!

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twiglet77 Sat 02-Jul-22 22:20:35

Please don’t. None of it was your daughter’s fault. How could you get any satisfaction from burdening her with your anger.

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Chestnut Sat 02-Jul-22 23:40:09

We are all agreed, don't burden your daughter with this sadness when she is enjoying her baby. It will not end well.

The purpose of telling her is not for her benefit, it is for yours.

Instead, write it all down and keep it hidden away for her to read in the future, maybe many years from now. Or seek counselling.

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FarNorth Sun 03-Jul-22 00:05:45

mumx5 I hope you will take the advice from everyone here and say nothing to your daughter about your bad times.

Whether you contact the Samaritans, get counseling, write it down or just put it out of your mind - deal with it yourself and don't dump it on your daughter.

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GrauntyHelen Sun 03-Jul-22 01:07:40

You need counselling You're daughter doesn't need to hear this

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DiamondLily Sun 03-Jul-22 04:47:26

I divorced my first husband (not for cheating), and there's plenty I could tell my AC's.

But, I haven't and I won't. My ex is their Dad, and my memories aren't theirs.

Your daughter is obviously happy, settled and in a good relationship - be thankful about that, and celebrate her happiness.

Move on from the past, it's done and dusted, it can't be changed, and just enjoy the relationship with your daughter and grandchild.

She won't thank you for running down her Dad to her, and you could end up damaging your relationship with her, and not seeing your grandchild.

Best wishes. ?

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Luckygirl3 Sun 03-Jul-22 08:53:27

Your DD is happy - that is YOUR success story. Hang onto that success and do not destroy it with your sad tales.

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Thistlelass Fri 08-Jul-22 03:53:00

I did not have to deal with cheating in my marriage but still I am divorced. My children are all healthy and it is me who has the poor mental health. My own childhood was not that great. The thing is they are all flourishing and I am proud of the contribution I made towards that. Now I can see that my grandchildren are being raised in a healthy way. So the mistakes of past generations can be brought to an end. I would not push this information at your girl. I really would not.

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