Mum died tonight. Should I feel guilty?

Sending much sympathy - what a shock for you. But please don't feel guilty. I'm sure your mother wouldn't want you to. After all, you'd only just been, hadn't you? There was no way you could have known it was imminent.

I was there when my poor mother died at 97 - she'd had advanced dementia for some time, hadn't known any of us for a while and there was so sign at all that she was aware I was there.

But to be honest I almost wished I hadn't been there, since although she'd apparently been unconscious, her face contorted most dreadfully in the instant before she died. It was horrible to witness and nobody has been able to tell me why. It was nothing like the relatively peaceful cessation of breathing I'd been expecting.

I have to admit that although of course there was sadness, what we all felt rather more was relief that she was finally released from what had been a most pitiful and undignified existence - one which would have horrified her former self so much.

for you, Pollyj and I am sorry for your loss. Everyone else has said everything I wanted to say. Be nice to yourself. Sending you a hug.

So sorry to hear this but you have nothing to feel guilty for. I am sure your mother knew she was loved.

Don’t beat yourself up about this you have been a good daughter. I did exactly as you seven months ago and left half an hour before she died. My choice as I had sat for hours and felt I was stopping her going. It’s what you did before that counts you were a good daughter. She will,of knew that.

So sorry for your loss Pollyj. It is a shock but you shouldn't feel guilty, you have been a loving caring daughter. Take care

Just read you post wizend and that’s exactly my opinion of my mum.and her end was calm and peaceful sorry your experience wasn’t,

My Dad passed away earlier this year in a community hospital, we were getting ready to bring him home. As I live quite a distance away, I had been home to collect things for him, on the day I was going back I received a call at 2:00am to say that he had passed away. He was alone and I felt terrible, I had to drive to tell my Mom and tell her that he was alone. He passed in his sleep but I still felt that I should have been there in spite of being with him for most of the previous six weeks. It is natural to feel this way, but take strength from what you have done and don't dwell on what you haven't done.

So sorry for your loss please don’t feel guilty. When we are bereaved we always end up feeling guilty about something it’s very normal. Sometimes people subconsciously “choose” to die alone . If she had been semi conscious as you describe it would have been a very gentle slipping away from one breath to the next. You were a caring daughter hold on to your memories, your mother knew she was loved .

You have my sympathy Polly I agree with Twiceasnice just remember how much you cared for each other.
Take care of yourself now.

Pollyj so sorry for your loss.

I spent 36 hours at my mums bedside, my brother and his partner took over and 10 minutes after I went to bed, whilst my brother was making a drink, she died.
Much the same happened when MIL died too a couple of years ago.
Be kind to yourself, you were there for her when she really needed you.

How I wish I was with my darling husband when he died suddenly 2 weeks ago,he died on his own in his car and the paramedics say it was over in seconds but I feel so guilty he was on his own and so very sad he may have been frightened I will never get those thoughts out of my head.

Dear glamma, you have been in my thoughts over the last two weeks. Please try to believe what the paramedics said. You had a long & happy marriage & if your DH realised what was happening in those last moments I feel sure that his thoughts must have been of you.

I was not there for the deaths of either parent. No need to feel guilty; although after someone dies we all ask ourselves what we might have done better; and we have regrets for not being a perfect daughter/son. But that is normal, since we are none of us perfect.

But do not feel bad about not being there - it is so common for a death to occur when relatives have just left - I do not know why.

I send you all good wishes and hope that, as time passes, you can remember all the good things.

? and ((hugs)) Pollyj.
So many times when I was nursing patients seemed to wait until they were alone.
? and ((hugs)) for you too Glammagran, I'm sure that the paramedics are right but what you're feeling is only natural when it's an unexpected death, it's so hard for those left behind.
I'm very much thinking of you both x

So sorry for your loss. Do not feel guilty. You loved her.

My mum was in hospital for about two weeks before she died aged 92, some years ago now. She was not able to communicate with visitors. All the family worked full time, but we each visited when we could. I last saw her on Friday evening. On Saturday morning while I was at the supermarket, the hospital rang to say she had died. The thing is, they had rung earlier to say she was fading, but with a two hour journey, I just knew if I dashed down I would not make it in time, and she was not going to know me anyway. Was it callous of me? Should I have felt guilty? I decided I should not. I had said my farewells, and the practicalities of working and feeding the family and the distance involved meant it made no sense to travel down again that morning.
A few months earlier my dad died in hospital after a stroke. Lots of us had visited him, but he died once we had gone home for the night.
The thing is, although they had left their bodies, I knew they were in another sense alive.” Forever with the Lord” is on their gravestone.

How sad for you and the rest of your family.
If we could foretell when someone is going to pass away, we would all be in the right place at the right time.
When my own mother passed away, she had had a massive stroke and the doctor said that she would not recover. They could only keep her comfortable in the mean time. My brother volunteered to stay by her side overnight while we took my father, who was not in the best of health, home to get some rest.
The next morning, we had a phone call from my brother to say that the nursing staff had said we should get back to the hospital sooner rather than later - dashed to the hospital, only to find out that mum had actually passed away while my brother was out of the ward phoning us.
I don't know how many times I have heard people say that their relative died while they had walked out of the room just to have a break, make a cuppa, go to the loo etc almost as if the person that died wanted to go on their own and save their family member from seeing it happen.
It was your mum's time to go , whether you were there or not. Please don't feel guilty that you weren't there right at that moment. The fact that you spent time with her when she was able to know it is enough.

My sincere condolences for your loss Pollyj.

I had the same experience with my maternal GM. My mum got a call from the hospital telling her she was fading fast and we dashed through to see her, but when we got there she'd already gone.

We were distraught, my mum in particular. She looked so peaceful, as if she were sleeping. I read somewhere not long after that sometimes it's easier for them to 'let go' when loved ones aren't there with them.

I was comforted by that, and hope it will be of some comfort to you.

Pollyj, I am so very sorry for the loss of your dear Mum. I too lost my Mum this year at the same age as yours was and I recognise the anguish you are feeling only too well. Many have spoken of the phenomenon where it seems that when someone is dying, they choose to slip away alone. It happened to me too and it breaks my heart. I loved her so very much. But here's the thing: Grief is just love with nowhere to go We regret the things that might not have expressed that love we felt and it feels like guilt. It is a normal part of the process of grieving and you absolutely can't switch it on and off, no matter what folk say. Balance it with thoughts of all the lovely things you shared. Allow yourself all the time you need xx

So sorry for your loss. I definitely think people wait to die until no one is there. I visited my dad, as did the rest of the family, whilst he was in hospital. We left that evening. He died a couple of hours after we left. He was an undertaker and saw a lot of death, and a lot of care homes and hospitals. I think it is natural that we hang on to say goodbye to loved ones but wait until they have gone to take our last breath.

oh no, don`t feel guilty, many people hang on until they are alone. I don`t want people around my bed when it is my time

Pollyj you have my deepest sympathy. My mum died in similar circumstances. She was in hospital and contracted pneumonia. She was fine when I visited at lunch time, saw my DS in the afternoon, a nurse called to say she needed oxygen about 9pm but kept removing the mask to say I wasn't to be told. I hesitated about going and they rang later to say she was worse but she died before any of us could be with her. My one comfort is that she had said she didn't want me there. I think our mums stay our mums till the very end and want to protect us. I still get upset about it, but I know she would be very cross with me for doing that and she'd tell me to 'look after the living'. I'm sure you looked after your mum and cared for her while she was alive and that's what matters. It is difficult and you will grieve for a long time. I think when a mum dies at such an age you are supposed to get over it more easily. It's never easy and an older mum has become so much more to you. I wish you all the best.

All my loved ones passed away while I was 'elsewhere'' for a few moments. They and I had already said what we wanted to say, so no regrets. Just a reminder to ensure that if there is a small fall out, it is resolved immediately and your dear ones are never in doubt of your love for them.

Thank you. I like to think my dad and her sister were waiting for her.

Same with mum, she was so very private and dignified.