Lockdown and dying parent

Legally, visiting somebody who is dying is an exception to the general rules appertaining to household visits including, according to the gov.uk website in Very High Tier areas, as is providing care and assistance to someone who is vulnerable. I’ve had to keep an eye on the legalities for a similar situation and at one point, before their illness had taken such a hold, I would make a delivery once a week just to shout and wave from the drive. I guess we all have to do what we think is right for ourselves and our families, within the confines of the law.

I'm so sorry to hear of your situation.
You don't say whether anyone in your household is at high risk if they got the virus, but I think you have to ask yourself which you would regret most - not seeing your Dad and supporting your Mum, or infecting someone that you live with?
Looked at like that, it may be easier to decide what to do - take all possible precautions (including a period of isolation if possible) and go -- or stay away and keep your family safe, while being aware that they may contact the virus nearer to home.
Thinking of you

My Dad died last year when I was on holiday, a bit unexpected even though we knew he had an underlying health problem.
Probably silly but I had the phone call just as my train was pulling out of a railway station.
One of Dad's passions was the railway and trains. He loved travelling by train. In a funny way it comforted me to know that I was on a train at that sad time.
My heart would tell me to go to see my Dad.

I think one is allowed to travel to visit a dying family member. Sincerest sympathies- how difficult for you

Isn't there exemption for end-of-life situations?

Is the main reason you are not visiting due to Covid restrictions? If it is then you are doing the right thing. If it is because of not wanting to see him while you're wearing a mask then I have to disagree with you. If you can visit him and are choosing not to, then I think you will regret that decision in the future - and you will be able to do nothing about it. To be harsh, I think that is being selfish and putting your feelings before those of your mum and dad.

I think you should do what you think it best. There is no right and wrong here - just what individual people would do in their own circumstances. None of us knows your situation, and you shouldn't be guilt-tripped into doing something that you don't want to do, for whatever reason.

I would say that if you don't go you need to be sure about why you have made that decision (and you don't need to say so on here), so that you can remind yourself of the reason later on if you start to feel bad about it. I'm not saying that because I think you should go (only you can know that), but because, as others have said, there is no going back, and it might be something you regret.

This is such an awful time for folk like you.

I think seeing a loved one who is dying is very important, even in these strange times.

I have lost all my birth family, and was only present when my sister died in hospital. Everyone else died suddenly.

The peace that came from being with Joan in her last few hours made it easier to deal with the awful grief.

Whatever you decide to do I wish you the very best.

You should go. Your parents are surely not at great risk of contracting the virus if they have been at home. My relative was in a nursing home on lockdown but I was only allowed an 'end of life' visit. It made no difference keeping people out - they still got Covid, including staff, and some residents died. I am positive my relative gave up, he didn't have Covid, because he couldn't understand why no-one visited him any more. Covid may not have ended his life but lockdown did. Staff said that so many of their residents lost the will to live with no visitors. I'm positive you will regret it if you don't go to see your Dad, even if it is the 'right' thing to do by today's rules. Your Mum needs support too. Sorry don't mean to be bossy, it's early days for me.

I'd go and (happily) pay a fine to do so.

There is nothing in the regulation preventing you going your mother wants you there It seems to me you don't want to be there otherwise you would be there Your choice but don't make Covid an excuse and be prepared to feel guilty if you don't go and never to be forgiven by your mother

Shelagh Fogarty was talking about her mother on LBC a couple of days ago, when someone asked her something similar. She goes to see her every weekend, from London to Liverpool, wears full PPE & says even with all that on it never stops her from hugging her mother. It can be done.

I have the worry that my Mum lives 300 miles from me, she has been in & out of Hospital since July. She's now home with Carers 4 times a day. Mum is nearly 92 & is in Highest Tier area. I live in the lowest tier area.

Mum wouldn't want me to go to visit her, her choice since before the first lockdown. My problem would be do I go against her wishes?

I live on my own & have several underlying health conditions, I will follow my conscience if the question arises, the distance is a factor for me as it's an 8 hour drive. Thankfully at the moment my Mum seems to be well.

Only you can decide what is the right thing to do. I have seen my Mum 2 or 3 times a year for the last 20 years but we speak on the phone every day

So sorry to hear this. I have read that visiting the dying is an exception and is allowed. So don't hesitate and be there.

i never got the chance to hug and say goodbye to my father , he passed suddenly while i was in hospital, i have always regretted this, if it was today i would rush to see him wear a mask take what ever precautions i could both on visiting him and when i got home

My mum died a couple of days ago. I am so glad I was for the last few days allowed to visit him her home, albeit in full PPE. Do go, there's no second chance and your mum maybe needs you too. Such things are full of different emotions for everyone, depending on your own circumstances, but I think this is one of the things you won't regret if you do it, but you very well may if you don't. Take care, but live life adventurously.

Lulu16

My Dad died last year when I was on holiday, a bit unexpected even though we knew he had an underlying health problem.
Probably silly but I had the phone call just as my train was pulling out of a railway station.
One of Dad's passions was the railway and trains. He loved travelling by train. In a funny way it comforted me to know that I was on a train at that sad time.
My heart would tell me to go to see my Dad.

That’s very special Lulu16 x

Jen67patte. I am assuming that as your dear Father has been ill it is not likely he has been mixing with many people except those who are caring for him.
I would arrange to visit him because you can hardly hurt him and his situation is unlikely to endanger you so long as you social-distance on the journey. I do hope you will manage to find a way. I do feel some of the prohibitions are worse than the disease and if you are careful you will be safe.
Whatever happens, when your Father passes, may I tell you that I nearly died once? The Doctor thought I and my new-born first baby were dead. I went out of my body through a hole in my forehead between my eyebrows, and for a while looked down on the room from the top right hand corner. I was laughing at how long my body looked! Then a Being came beside me on my left and we flew very fast through the dark towards a very bright but not dazzling white light. As we got near to it there was a big group of Beings on my right as if banked up as a choir and they were all so excited and happy to see me and they all knew me really well! I was moving near this amazing light and all around was filled with such perfect, pure and pervasive love, indescribable in our words, when, wordlessly, I was given the message, "Now is not the time". I was turned around and very fast, sped back the same way and into my body the same way. On returning it was noisy and frightening and the Doctor was shouting my name and saying "Stay with us!".
I want you to know that this experience was more real to me than any experience since. It is nearly 50 years ago! It could be yesterday! I know God is love, we are safe and that death is a continuation of our Soul's journey to such a wonderful place. A place from which we may see our loved ones in this sphere of life. So you shall be able to send messages to your beloved Father and thank God for him. Meanwhile pray that God can bring you together before he passes from this realm.
I shall be praying for you. God bless you, Jen67patte,???

justwokeup

Covid may not have ended his life but lockdown did. Staff said that so many of their residents lost the will to live with no visitors.

Lockdown is estimated to have caused many more deaths than it saved.

Thank you.
I hope many people have sent this message to Matt Hancock and the P.M.

Thankyou all for your messages.
I have been and visited him and so glad I did.
He’s now gone into a hospice and I would not be allowed in. ???

My OH has just gone through this with her mum, you are allowed compassionate visits as long as you take precautions, you would even be able to travel to most overseas countries.

It not as you would wish but you can do it, nobody is going to criticize you