Not sure what to do

I agree you vrannygranbe

He named her as ne t of kin and so she should step uo

But its a personal thing and she should do what ever makes her feel comfortable I suppose

From a recent experience with my Father who befriended a local Lady who lived in the same village by giving her a lift into town or doing a bit of handyman work for her, and refered to her as his Cousin, which she was not. When she passed away, she did not have the funds to cover her own funeral costs, so the Council took over the arrangements. Someone must have then mistakenly told them about her being my father's Cousin, to which he then received the forms for the costs included in disposing of her body and the clearance of the Council property where she lived by their public health department, for total cost of £3000!
It took a fair few phone calls to convince them that she was not a blood relative, had no savings, and lived on Benefits since her husband passed away many years ago. Her funeral was shared with others directly from the hospital mortuary, a simple cremation, with no mourners allowed.
In taking on the responsibility for your Fathers funeral you would probably also need to become the executor of any will be may have left. Not something to be taken on lightly as it's a Thankless job frought with legal jargon and any benefits Gained also come with a degree of Burdens, such has becoming responsible for the legal costs involved and the payment of any debts such as utility Bills, outstanding care home fees, or even extra services Bills he may have ran up In the home for the Barber or Chiropodist for example.

Oh goodness, so many suspicious posts, all assuming that there is some plot to make the poster pay for her Father's funeral. Maybe the poor man was unwillingly parted from his daughter, maybe he thought it best to remove himself from her life when her Mother moved away and then remarried, maybe the poor man was unhappy about not being involved in his daughter's life? Why not take this as an opportunity to find out more about the man, talk to the care home, find out if you have any uncles, aunts, cousins? As we know from many sad tales on here, you won't be the only one deprived of a parent by the actions of another. Let the council organise the funeral and take the costs from your late Father's estate, go along and talk to anyone else who is there. Of course, it is only my opinion, but I think it was unfair of your Mother not to tell you about your Father, unless of course she was escaping from violence. You owe it to yourself to find out a bit more, just for peace of mind even if you have no emotional relationship with your late biological Father.

Your father could presumably have contacted you at any time after you came of age. He chose not to. That to me says it all.

Let the council or care home make the arrangements. I would not even bother to attend in these circumstances.

NannieN ...I don't even know my father's name or anything about him, so if I was in your position I would attempt to get more information while also stating I wasn't wealthy and couldn't pay for his funeral, so could it be paid for from his estate.

For him to list you as NOK at the care home, to me indicates he cared and thought about you, even though you weren't in his life, through no fault of your own. Family secrets are horrible and it's always the children who get hurt, and I speak from personal experience here.

Please ask if you are not paying the funeral costs will you still be permitted to attend? I would hate to be excluded as this is your one and only opportunity to do something for him.

Thinking of you

I was in a similar situation. My parents divorced when I was 11 and I saw my dad until I was 21 but then he stopped contacting me. I was taken up with getting married , having a family and just let the situation go. When I was 61, a son of my dad's cousin , who I didn't know existed, wrote to me to tell me he had found my dad in a home. He had taken his dad to visit and, 3 weeks later , my dad died. He had found me through social media. I attended his council arranged funeral with this new found relative, his dad, sister and my sister plus 2 people from the home. I was glad I attended and they gave me all his worldly goods - his old bus pass and one photo. I must say I thought he may have had a little more but felt unable to ask as I had never visited. A while later I was contacted by the heir hunters and eventually inherited £15,000. I had contemplated paying for the funeral myself but, until I inherited, could not afford to make the gesture. The home obviously had not known he had savings otherwise they would have covered the costs.

There is no shame in letting the council make the funeral arrangements. You will be allowed to attend the funeral service if you ask for details. The service will be basic but respectful. The council can recover the expenses, and care home costs, if your father has any in his estate. Any left over will come to you
and any other children, or to any beneficiaries named in will, if he made one. You would only pay a finder's fee to a heir hunting company if you have agreed to do so. It's rare for heir hunters to be involved at the funeral stage.

I have now read your update and it sounds as if it can be resolved satisfactorily. Good.

This isn't all about money. When I read your message it made me sad that you didn't meet him in life. Did he have any friends or are there any people at the care home to speak to about him who knew him? I would want to know.

Someone has reached out to you so connect with them and ask questions. It is your one chance.

All Banks have Bereavement lines if you need to ask about the financial side.
When DH died I received a Package from our Council with
What to do when someone dies which contained dozens of useful numbers and information.

If you want to attend a funeral, you should surely be able to without incurring a cost.

I do not believe a person can be held responsible for another's debts unless they had previously signed as a guarantor.

In this case, he may have named you as next of kin because he had no other living relations. He may have signed his assets over to the council, his care home and funeral fees will be taken from the total, and there may be some amount left over. You may very well end up with a small amount. If you feel you have no right to accept it, perhaps it can be given to charity.

Granny granby. He didn't name her as next of kin . A tracing company found Nannie N

Hi read it all and the replies but just wondered how you were feeling about it all emotionally? I hope you are ok.
My darling sister found out that our wonderful father was not actually her birth father on his death bed, at the hospital before he slipped away. She/we suspected throughout life as we do not look anything alike or even in personality but it was still a shock to her and he apologized to her for not being her real father.
In her 60's she felt her life was already settled but from time to time wonders.

I would want to take the opportunity to find out as much as I could about my Father. If you can go to the home he died in, then do. You may have family and siblings you currently know nothing about. You say your Mum plays her cards pretty close - why is that? I’d definitely want to try and find out more about why my biological Father wasn’t allowed into my life. There’s so much research evidence now into the influences carried by epigenetic heritability now and you carry half his genes. A difficult, and sad, situation for you. Take care.

Be careful ....this happened to someone I heard of whereby the Council even took to social media to find the son of someone who had not had any contact with his father for years ......he came forward ..............and was presented with a bill for 40,000 care home unpaid fees and a funeral account. Never heard what happened .......but if he had no money, I wonder if they put a Charge on his house if he had one, so the money could be re couped after his owndeath ...I would take legal advice before committing to anything....unless of course, if you do inherit enough (say a house, or something) and there are no people asking for money, by all means pay for a funeral (upwards of about £4,000 ....or a simply one straight to crem no service would be less)...the decision is of course your own ....some legal firms offer an hour of 'no fee' initial enquiries ...

I would certainly attend the funeral. Not sure about the funding side of things, but nothing to stop you bidding him farewell.

The council are simply trying to pass the cost of the funeral on to someone else. Don't pay for it.

Nicegranny, I don’t think he did name OP as next of kin from the way her post is worded. It looks as though the researchers found her. However, Eve22 has a valid point, if OP was adopted by her mum’s new husband she won’t be entitled to anything unless her biological father has named her in a Will. Similarly, the council wouldn’t be able to demand payment for the funeral. I agree with those who say to leave it to the council and perhaps go along to pay your respects to someone you didn’t know, but who was partly responsible for your existence.

Why not do one of those simple cremations i think around £1,200 and then put the ashes somewhere and say a few words over them if you feel inclined or have a little chat with him. It need not be expensive. Perhaps if you find out a little more it will make the decision easier for you?

It was unfair of him to name you as next of kin when he had zero input into your life.

He’s a peace but has left you with his remains. Let the council deal with it and don’t fret about it.
He could have contacted you when he was alive if he was bothered by not seeing you so don’t let him leave his financial problems of not affording his own funeral now he’s dead.
Get on with your life Nannyn you do not owe him anything. X

Vampirequeen is spot on ,great advice.

It's often said that we more often regret the things we didn't do. I'd organise the funeral to the best of my abilities. You don't know all the back story of why he ignored you, but he might have had a perfectly good reason for doing so. You won't regret the time spent doing the only thing you can do for him now. But you might regret not doing it in future.

Imo contact the home, talk to those who knew him. Explain you don't have £5k lying about or whatever a funeral costs, but if you don't find out about your birth father now, that opportunity will never come again, and you may regret that.

Hi,
Just a thought. You say you only met him once when he signed to change your surname when she remarried.
That makes me wonder if you were adopted by your stepfather. If so, I believe that upon adoption you do not automatically inherit from your biological father. You would inherit from your stepfather. But I’m no legal expert. Maybe others know more about this.

My Mum's Mum died when she was 3 and her Dad remarried. My Mum and her sister did not want anything to do with their Dad and 'new' family and was brought up by another family member. My mum was always quite bitter about the whole experience. I only ever met my grandad once and I find this really sad. When he died we did not attend the funeral and after my Mum died I spoke to my Grandads family. Apparently he was devastated at the loss of his first wife and could never come to terms with not seeing his daughters. My point here is that if I was in the situation that the Poster is in I would let the Council carry out the funeral and let them claim the costs from the estate. £500 is cheap so I assume it will be a very basic funeral. I would go to the home and try to find out all I could about this man, my father, as it may be that he wanted to get in touch but did not know how to. This is so sad and death is so final.

This is your chance to say good bye to a father you never knew. I would attend his funeral but let the council organise it. Send flowers at least. Perhaps there are family or friends who could tell you about him.