Gransnet forums

Bereavement

Widowed at 52

(55 Posts)
Saetana Fri 31-Dec-21 19:47:46

Sadly my husband of 32 years died suddenly at our home on Christmas Day aged 56 - he had a number of health issues but there was no indication he was going to die so soon. I'm honestly worried about how I'm coping with it - apart from a few crying bouts (mainly when I read condolences, think about being a relatively young widow, or posting that he had died) its like nothing has happened. I'm really worried its going to hit me like a ton of bricks at some stage - I seem to be coping a bit too well if you know what I mean, albeit with the help of alcohol (not loads, just enough to keep functioning). Is this normal?

Lucca Fri 31-Dec-21 19:49:33

So sorry to hear that Santana.

aggie Fri 31-Dec-21 19:57:00

So sorry Saetana , I hope you have family or a very good friend to help you xxx

GrannyGravy13 Fri 31-Dec-21 19:57:34

Saetana I haven’t lost a husband, but when I lost my parents it didn’t really sink in until after the funeral.

Sending (((hugs))) ?

Thoro Fri 31-Dec-21 19:59:50

I think you’r probably in shock. Try not to worry about what you think you should be feeling - just cope as best you can. My first husband died suddenly (diabetic hypo) aged 53 when I was 48. The shock carries you through. It does hit you at different times - be kind to yourself.

MissAdventure Fri 31-Dec-21 20:00:13

I think it's nature's way of cushioning us from the horror all at once.
The numbness does pass, bit by bit, and it's awful.
You must be in state of shock still, I'd imagine.
My sincere condolences flowers

lavendermine Fri 31-Dec-21 20:02:44

So sorry for your loss flowers

Nannagarra Fri 31-Dec-21 20:07:21

So sorry to hear this Saetana. Understandably you’re in shock. Please don’t worry about your response. Take care.

Calistemon Fri 31-Dec-21 20:10:37

Saetana condolences to you flowers

You must be very shocked and to happen on Christmas Day must have been more shocking for you.

I hope you have support from friends and/or family.

Nannee49 Fri 31-Dec-21 20:36:20

So sad for your loss saetana. Grief is a very strange thing which affects us all in different, often unexpected ways. Sending you love and condolencesflowers

MayBeMaw Fri 31-Dec-21 20:39:44

My sincere sympathy Saetana.
How anybody “copes” will vary from person to person, day to day and is not a linear progression .
It’s not something we can ever prepare for -even those whose partners may have a terminal disease, and nobody who has not been in your situation however well meaning can fully understand.
Take it one day at a time. If you have a couple of supportive friends (my best friend came with me to register DH’s death and then took me to a Garden Centre for a HUGE slice of cake and a coffee) that can help.
Don’t be afraid to reach out, phone a friend, have a weep or go out for a walk and shout out all the anger you may be feeling.
It does get easier (4 years on) but it’s like an amputation- you learn to limp but you may never feel completely “whole “ again.
I still have flashbacks and regularly cry myself to sleep but nobody would guess.
It’s a cliché, but be kind to yourself. flowersflowers

Audi10 Fri 31-Dec-21 20:45:49

Saetana so sorry to here this, sending virtual hugs

Kate1949 Fri 31-Dec-21 20:50:13

Goodness. How awful flowers

SueDonim Fri 31-Dec-21 21:00:42

Saetana what a terrible shock, I am so sorry. sadflowers

grandMattie Fri 31-Dec-21 21:04:11

How incredibly sad, Saetana.
As one who was suddenly bereaved - our son died in
September- I can only tell you that it eventually gets better. We still get bad/very bad days, but it does improve.
My deepest, most heartfelt sympathy. ?❤️

Sweetpeasue Fri 31-Dec-21 21:43:30

We hear you Saetana. There are many here who have had the pain of losing their husband or partner. Hopefully you can get a little comfort in a shared grief and their words of encouragement. I'm so very sorry.
Sending you Sincerest thoughts and to grandMattie too. ??

VioletSky Fri 31-Dec-21 21:48:08

There are stages to grief that may come in different orders for different people and some may not come at all.

Please just focus on taking good care of yourself and let whatever thoughts and feelings come when they may. There is nothing wrong with you.

I'm very sorry for your loss

ixion Fri 31-Dec-21 21:48:34

I am so dreadfully sorry Saetana.
Thinking of you?

janeainsworth Fri 31-Dec-21 21:49:30

Oh Saetana I’m so sorry. What a dreadful blow for you.
I think ‘coping too well’ is a natural mental protection - your mind allowing you to take in & absorb what you can, when you can.
Grieve in your own time and in your own way.
My heart goes out you - many years ago, also at Christmas, the same thing happened to my father when my mum was your age. It took 6 months before our loss really hit me.

Marthjolly1 Fri 31-Dec-21 21:55:33

My sympathy goes out to you for your sudden loss. I am sure you will be in shock and yes it may hit you unexpectedly in a few days or a few weeks. I broke down in the middle of Sainsburys a couple of weeks after my MIL died. Totally unexpected. Please do reach out to friends when you feel down, they will help you through it ??

Deedaa Fri 31-Dec-21 22:11:48

So sorry Saetana My husband died just over two years ago. we knew he would die eventually but when I was told it was now terminal it was only six days before he died. On the whole I've coped all right. I don't think I've cried at all, but I was the same with my parents. I haven't had any big breakdowns at all but two years on I seem to be even more aware of the big hole he has left in my life. Possibly Covid has made everything move more slowly.

I would say do whatever you feel like doing. Don't worry about what you think others are thinking. On what would have been our golden wedding I went out with DD for coffee and cakes and a chance to talk about him. All very low key but it was enough.

nanaK54 Fri 31-Dec-21 22:17:27

I am so sorry for your loss, sending kindest thoughts flowers

Ali23 Fri 31-Dec-21 22:55:12

So sorry. My uncle died in much the same way last Xmas day, and my Aunty has been so strong, just as she was through his last few years. I think that Adrenalin keeps us going for the busy week or so after a bereavement like this. I’m sure you will have ups and downs as time passes.
I hope that you have people who can help you through this.

hulahoop Fri 31-Dec-21 23:10:53

So sorry for your loss ?

GrannySomerset Fri 31-Dec-21 23:15:48

Saetana, my sympathy to you in this awful loss. I am currently dealing with DH on end of life care (days? Weeks? Months?) so I really share the numbness and lack of tears. I think you have had very helpful comments from those who have trodden this unhappy path and, as my nephew suggested to me this evening, being kind to yourself is strength not weakness. My thoughts are with you.