But you're retired, Mum!

She's probably so immersed in her own life that it simply doesn't occur to her to even think about yours. Maybe its time for a nice cup of tea and a 'lets discuss my life past and present' chat? Doesn't seem likely that she's going to work it out for herself. Good luck.

Yes it seems the time has come for an honest chat, Our children are often just thoughtless and don't realise we are getting older and less able. Sometimes we give the wrong impression by saying we can cope when really things are difficult.

merlot ... maybe the clue is in you saying "our bungalow". It's hers now, so perhaps you should have fired back with "You're right, I'm retired including from doing a lot of gardening". You may have to let it become "her" bungalow ...regardless of what the garden looks like.

I've got a sister-in-law who was always a stay at home wife and mother, and a few years ago announced her retirement from that.

By that I mean she stopped doing household jobs including cooking!

Women never really retire do they?

Well done Merlot for holding all that in and only letting it out on GN. I know the feeling, but believe in least said soonest mended.

I think when we retire the day is filled before you can look round. I used to feel I'd like to go back to work for a rest!

I truly think our children do not see us getting old. We're like wallpaper, always there , unassuming ( mostly) and able to do everything we always did.

To think of us getting old is a scary thought so they see us as always the same.

I sympathise merlot but wonder what format "the" conversation could take without bad feeling. Your daughter is sounding defensive and a diplomatic approach will be fundamental if you no to say anything to clear the air. (Which I think you do)
Thinking aloud, how about ;
I know we/ I have retired but I am/we we are less able to as active as we were at your age, dad's health issues and frankly feeling my age etc.
However I have always loved this garden although it is yours now and if you like I could help with / take responsibility for (insert whatever light gardening tasks you would undertake) so that we can all enjoy it for as long as I feel able Leave that dangling , you are not Superwoman.

You know how much you did in the past, but telling her will go down like a lead balloon and if she feels guilty or defensive it could sour the present atmosphere.

Don't be a Jill Archer!!

I think I'd drop dead if I tried to emulate Jill Archer, Maw

When we divvied up the garden DD made it perfectly clear she wanted the smallest possible bit She doesn't even have to cut her grass as when DH is in going order he uses a ride on mower and does all of it.

I think my miffed feelings stem from the fact there are some much loved plants in her two, not very large, borders. I know if we had moved away I would neither know nor care what was happening to them but I can see them from my window so she knows I'll step in and rescue them as eighteen months of neglect is pushing it.

So....This afternoon I wheeled my barrow and necessary tools across the lawn and cheerfully set about dealing with the rose. DD arrived at the back door bearing two glasses of chilled Chardonnay, told me I was a star, plonked herself on a bench and watched me

I think it's called keeping the workers happy

Merlot..... some flowers for you? .....and ?Merlot!

Hmm, why should you hold back if she is being insensitive? Say that stuff. It needn't be said angrily but I think it needs to be said. She should show more appreciation and respect.

Nice about the Chardonnay though. Perhaps she did some thinking after all.

She sounds a bit like you, Merlot. That's meant in a nice way.
One day she may be cutting her hours to look after you. But she's seen you being a tower of strength all these years, so it's hard for her to both recognise and accept that you don't have limitless stamina and resources.
Just tell her next time you'd prefer Prosecco

Maybe her generation has a rosy view of retirement. They'll probably need it to see them through more years of hard slog. I won't disillusion her....just yet.

I keep thinking back to a recent pic on the Gransnet homepage of a very trendy looking Gran watering her garden with not a hair out of place and no weeds to be seen.

How does one potter? I've never mastered the art.

Or champagne

One gets ones DH to do all the really hard slog, or ones big strong son!

As DH cuts the lawn it doesn't really seem like that piece of garden is her responsibility and she waited long enough and you sorted out the borders. What is she to think, mum and dad will look after my bit of garden like they have helped out with other things all my life.

I think the only thing you can so is ask her to do some small things for you and next time the plants are in danger tell her what she needs to do for them. I am afraid you might have to watch them die before she realises this is her responsibility. It would be churlish if DH didn't cut her bit of lawn when he has a ride on mower but when he is ill or frailer maybe she or one of the grandchildren could be asked to do it.

I'm sorry. Mine are all sure we can and will do it all, and we do.

It's true that we are the sandwich generation. We spent many years visiting our parents and taking the children with us. When we arrived there were many jobs lined up for us. I don't think we ever had a proper holiday because the time was used in duty visits. We are still visiting MIL in her care home. It is a thirteen hour day, most of it driving on motorways. We are in our mid seventies. Our parents wouldn't have dreamed of running around for other people. They expected to be fetched and carried. Now we are always helping out with children and grandchildren but I haven't noticed much help coming the other way. It will be interesting when we do need assistance whether any comes.

The last time I asked one of the DGSs to help in the garden - hoeing between rows of butternut squash - he tried to do it one handed so he could text his girlfriend with the other one. Of course he wasn't looking where he was going which resulted in a few trampled plants.

Useless? Not at all if you are aiming for a first in Political Studies. He wants to work for the Foreign Office. I wonder if he's read The Constant Gardener?

We seem to have raised an entitled generation of snowflakes. My DD and DS are the same. Their father and I work flat out and they watch us no doubt thinking, 'Catch me out ever being that stupid.'

What are they going to do when we all kick the bucket? There will be no one to run round after the little darlings or bail them out when they have spent all of their (our) hard earned dosh?

The problem is that you won't be willing to let him do it again and so he is off the hook.

Lots of gransnetters as highly qualified but enjoy gardening as a very relaxing occupation. Maybe you can convince him that how plants grow will be good as a arguement/diplomatic conversation piece in the Foreign office!

Tell her you are getting older and now feel tired more easily. Also worry about your DH health is also draining. I am sure she does not mean to be neglectful but just needs pointing in right direction. Alternatively if she does not want to do it herself why does she not pay a person a couple of hours each month to keep her her section? You could try suggesting it to her.