Family fallout

Jeannie The straw that broke the camel's back.

Do as others have suggested, a lovely day at home and perhaps plan your next visit to see your lovely family.

I'm afraid jealousy is a nasty trait and is probably at heart of your BILs behaviour.

You stood up to a bully
Well done you?

Enjoy your day with your husband. Relax in your own home and relish not having to put up with your boorish BIL.

As others have commented he does sound as though he is jealous of the effort made by your family. Don't let him spoil your memories of a lovely holiday. I would hold back for the moment, but if the opportunity arises then build some bridges then take it. After all your sister will always be your sister. Might be worth talking to her and see if things have calmed down enough for olive branches to be laid? However if you have Christmas together then make the most of it.

I don't think you over reacted. He was out of order and has been for years from what you say. He doesn't want you there at Christmas? Thank your lucky stars because he'd probably have another go.

I'm conscious of the effect on your relationship with your sister though- speaking as someone who didn't speak to her sister for 18 years until her husband died, because of a row over our Dad's will. My sister is a lovely and kind person, it was her husband who was controlling and rude.

I would be inclined to say, let's forget Christmas Day, but can we be civil and meet for drinks soon after that and see if we can't come to a compromise for at least getting along.

N.B. My sister and I have enjoyed a very close relationship since her husband's death. You don't have to wait as long as I did!!

I'm at home with DH this Christmas day and I am totally looking forward to it. The children are doing their own thing and we are vegging. A nice brekkie maybe a walk if it's nice and we are not having a Christmas dinner DH saw the Hairy Biker's recipe for French dipped baguette and has asked for that instead ? enjoy your Christmas day you can have a drink without having to worry about driving, relax have fun and Merry Christmas x????

You and hubby could treat yourselves to a meal out on Christmas Day. Time to change the tradition of spending your valuable time with a horrible man.

It sounds as if you can have a happy Christmas with your husband - plan for a great day together! But I agree with the others who've said it would be good to apologise for what you said - you are open and taking responsibility for that, which is great. His behaviour is his - he doesn't sound as if he is likely to apologise, but you can do so for yourself, with dignity. Better to do what you can now to heal any breach - it is tragic when a family split over something large or small. This is the time for you to take the honourable path of reconciliation - and I wish you well.

Jeannie59 What a sicko you have for a BIl Your sister is the one I feel sorry for as she is stuck with him. At least you can walk away. Why not yourself and DH spend Xmas in a hotel as to spend it in the company of this ''individual'' would in my mind be purgatory. You have options your sister does not. It was only natural you wanted to talk about your visit to the US as unlike yourself, and as you have claimed, S and BIL have family around them. In future keep your experiences, leaving out your grandsons financial status, for your sisters ears only.

Sometimes it's good to "let fly", and I think you should be proud of yourself for telling him how you felt. No one should be criticising your loving relationship with your children and grandchildren. Perhaps no one else has dared to stand up to him, and he may even be jealous of you! He sounds like a difficult person to love. I do hope your own husband is more supportive and understanding. Enjoy Christmas with him (and pity your sister).

Applegran The only apology I can see as far as apologies are concerned should come from the BIl who clearly has 'issues' hence the reason his SIl deems it necessary to seek advice.

I agree sarahellenwhiteney.
If he does ever apologise to Jeannie for his boorish, rude and crass behaviour then perhaps she could say sorry for letting rip - if she wants to.

However, he sounds as if he has had it coming for years and people ultimately reach the end of their tether with people like that, who are usually very thick-skinned and don't understand how obnoxious and offensive they can be.

Some sad people are only happy when they are trying to distress others, so yes, why would you want to be near him. Meet your sister for a girly lunch before Xmas and don’t have anything to do with her awful husband. I feel very sorry for her being lumbered with an insensitive ignoramous like him .....

I agree with sodapop, people like this are often driven by jealousy and insecurity. Just feel sorry for him and for your sister being married to such a difficult man. As others have said there is a lot to be said for spending Christmas Day with just your other half. We have done it for many years now.

Why on earth would you wish to spend the day with that dreadful man?

A time to do something different! Why spend time with someone like that?

I avoid family if at possible as I like to do my own thing without getting stressed/irritated/fed up.

But it was you who said you didn't want to go....

I would steer well clear if that were me you would be on tender hooks all day. See your sister after Xmas for lunch or coffee. It is only one day out of the year and well known for causing family issues.

I would telephone your BIL, apologise for overreacting and hope things are now OK between the two of you. I should then add that this year in order to avoid any awkwardness you and DH will be spending Christmas at home for a change. Enjoy your Christmas together and phone sister on the day to wish her and BIL a Happy Christmas

Do what feels right for you. Everyone is different....I do feel the older we get
we have more courage to speak up for ourselves. Good luck and enjoy a nourishing Christmas, whatever you decide.

Plan for a lovely day when the 2 of you can please yourselves. Choose a good film, a special meal (prepped in advance), a nice drink (there's no driving this year). And in New Year make it up with him, say how you missed your Christmas Day together with your banter and faux fights. Your relationship with your sister is precious.

I wonder how he feels? Pretty sheepish I suspect especially if he has to explain to others why you won't be there this year. His own family must know what he's like. I bet they are sympathetic to you. In your case, after all these years, the worm turned! Good for you. He should be apologising to you.

NanKate thanks for your post, I’m not trying to jump OP’s post but for the first time ever we will be on our own at Christmas and what you said has given me hope and I’m now not so worried or upset about being on our own.

It sounds like you gave him what he deserves so don't be upset about it. Feel empowered and have a little chuckle to yourself then invite your Sister round to your house for Christmas but say to him he can only come if he apologies or comes in a scrooge outfit.

I wonder how he feels? Pretty sheepish I suspect especially if he has to explain to others why you won't be there this year
Jane10 you are looking at that from the point of view of how you might feel as a nice person.
He won't feel at all sheepish, he will just be wondering what is wrong with the OP as there will never be anything wrong with his behaviour.

Jalima it occurs to me that he's probably been in this situation with others before now. I wonder how he got on at work? With his apparent attitude he'd surely have been in trouble before now. I wonder how his wife puts up with it. I hope sharp words have been said to him after the poor OP went home. At the very least this should have cast a bit of a shadow over their Christmas.
PS I'm not a nice person!