Visitors

The truth will set you free.

Yes Evie I think there may be, although dh would never admit it.As I say I don't understand it i haven't got any siblings but i have seen a bit of it between my own sons, so maybe it's common in men, them being more competitive than us. It's just daft I couldn't care less, but maybe I do need to take his feelings into account. I won't be inviting them unless he agree's.

Sounds like DH is worried about what his brother and wife will think of the new house? Why? Is there a bit of sibling rivalry going on perhaps?

I should add to the above, that we took said BiL and SiL to visit our local NT stately home. I said to my SiL that despite its understated opulence, it had a lovely comfortable feel to it, the sort of rooms you could actually live in. "Mmmm", she said doubtfully, "I'd want to change a lot of the furniture, though".

I can understand the point of view of DH of OP, but I wouldn't agree with it. Perhaps there is still some lingering sibling rivalry - maybe DH is afraid that his brother will start telling him what to do.

Something similar happened to us (except that we hadn't only just moved into our house!). DH's younger brother from abroad came to visit. He and his wife spent most of their visit telling us all the things they would have done to our house if it had been theirs, with a strong implication that we were failures as home-makers. Needless to say, their own house is like a show house. Even the kettle is kept in a drawer, but it is not a house to relax in!

Let them come, then they can see your home before you’ve had all the work done - and then marvel at it when it’s finished!

Might there be some tension between OH and BiL?
Has BiL said something previously when OH hasn't lived in a perfect environment? Some cutting remarks, possibly?
I know someone who is OCD. You are not allowed to sit on the sofa as it will squash the cushions. It is not a welcoming environment. She gets stressed visiting other people's homes, especially if they are not "up to her standard". Having her visit you is stressful for everyone, especially when the little remarks come out.

For some, it is important to defend status within the family. Untidy home can be taken as a poor show. I couldn't care less, take me as I am however for many ......

My husband manages his relationships I manage mine????????? How can anyone live like this

Quite nicely actually. We each have relationships with the others family, but it’s ultimately his call if we invite his family over, just as it’s mine if we invite my family.

I’d be completely resentful and angry if my husband invited my family over when I wasn’t ready just because he thought he knew better.

The one time you shouldn't worry about how the house looks is when you've just moved. Reminds me of when my mum had to hold a WI committee meeting in our house. She cleaned for a week and bought new sherry glasses. She'd made dainty sandwiches with the crusts cut off. I was supposed to stay outside and play. Being curious I crept into the kitchen and saw the crusts on a plate which had been cut off the sandwiches. Clutching a handful of them i stepped into the meeting and said "can I eat these, I'm starving". Poor mum was mortified at this image of her starving child.

It is her DH brother, not her relationship to manage.

I think that you should respect your husband's wishes. He knows them better than you. Maybe they are judgmental or gossipy but you don't see that side of them. Maybe they make him feel a bit inferior.
Whatever his reasons he is entitled to his sensibilities and I don't understand why you would want to over-ride them or why you think that your feeling are more important than his.
You say that you don't understand that it matters but you know that it does and I don't see why you would want to upset him.

Sorry but in my opinion there is over reaction on to who and when you should receive visitors into your new home.Why the hard and fast rules?
Quote. My husband manages his relationships I manage mine????????? How can anyone live like this

It's probably a different thing to your DH if it's his family members !
I can remember my mum- if it was my dad's family visiting, that was fine - the house was tidied and the everyday crockery was used. But if it was her family, we had to virtually spring clean the house (including the rooms they wouldn't see, such as the bedrooms) and the best china was brought out - no idea why ! Maybe it was pride and she wanted her family to see how well she was getting on as we so rarely saw them !

Eloethan, I was actually commenting more on other posters saying that the brother in law should be invited over. However, if Katy goes ahead and invites him before her husband is ready, than sure.

The relationship between brothers is between them. It’s up to them to manage. My husband manages his relationships, I manage mine. Does everyone else manage their husbands relationships for them?

Well if you think it's OK Summerlove to make friends welcome in your home, despite it not being that presentable, but keep putting off a close family member, I don't.

You seem to be implying that katyj cares more about other people's feelings than her husband's. I see it differently. It's quite possible that she fears her husband's relationship with his brother may be damaged by this behaviour, and that, in the long run, it would cause him unhappiness and make the whole family dynamic uneasy.

Bradfordlass, I can’t imagine worrying about hurting uninvited guest feelings more so than my husbands.

Why are everybody’s feelings other than husbands more important in this case?

Oh lots to think about .Gabriella and Nora I think you both have a point, I would have waited,maybe about a month before asking to visit.This dbil didn't ask last time, and came to visit the day after we'd moved in, Dh wasn't impressed then.They always text first because it's a 30 minutes drive.Eloethan I think you may have something there about competiveness, I haven't any siblings, so find it hard to understand, but both brothers are very different, my DH finds his brother very ocd in his ways, their house is always pristine and looks quite staged, which we laugh about.Ours is always clean and tidy, but not in the same way, as we have grandchildren and friends in and out.Dh said if the boot was on the other foot we wouldn't be welcome in their home for 6 months!
It's a strange one, it's taken me my surprise it isn't often we disagree, were normally on the same page.I'll wait and see next time they text, see if dh has changed his mind.

If you usually have a good, close relationship with your DHs family, does he really want to jeopardise this by making them feel unwelcome?

Is he OCD?
Would it make him feel genuinely and terribly embarrassed to have his brother there? To the point where it would be psychologically hurtful?
If so, then make allowances.

If he simply thinks appearances are more important than his brother's feelings, then that's truly a shame.

His brother, his decision.

katyj Perhaps it's an element of competitiveness on your husband's part. He wants his brother to see the house when it's all shipshape.

I don't have any siblings but I feel if I did I would be delighted for them to come round. Surely, formal invitations shouldn't be needed with close family? Unless they are turning up every other day, of course.

I agree with you. I think it is hurtful for your husband to keep putting his brother off.

Good for you Katyj it’s an attitude of mind. You’re either a welcoming person or not and many get less welcoming as they age.

katy if the visits are just for a look round, a chat and tea and biscuits then I agree with you, if they involve staying the night/meals made etc then I agree with your DH.
Either way, it’s his brother, so I suppose he gets to choose.

EVEN with this weeks new developement

People take us as they find us,I'm always happy to see visitors especially family.My door is literally always open ,not locked unless we;re out or in bed and most people who know us well knock and walk in .They know there might be a basket of things on the stairs to take up or newspapers and magazines on the coffee table they also know I'll put the kettle on and sit down with them as soon as they come in Or this weeks new developement with the kittens having to stack the kitchen chairs in the utility room to stop them ripping into them .If they only come when everythings clean and neat and pristine then they dont know me and they aren't really friends.Isn't it good we're all different