When the time comes I’m not going into a Care Home

I suspect that the choice you make has a lot to do with character

Not forgetting circumstances Whitewave .
My father coped alone up to the age of 88 after Mum died, with a carer twice a day to help with cleaning, laundry and meals, but eventually rang me (at work) one day to say he was not coping and to find him a place in one of the two care homes in his town.
I’m not saying they were ideal, but kind and caring.
There was nothing else I could have done living 350 miles away in full time work and with a husband who had had a transplant. I went up to Scotland every half term and school holiday but it was a full day’s drive to get there so even weekends were impossible. My sister lived in Canada and Dad would never have left Scotland.
It was his character that made him independent but also his common sense that made him realise things could not continue as they were.
So don’t dismiss those who go into residential care as lacking in character.
And do not write off all care homes as being the same - there are all degrees of good, bad and indifferent.

maw cruise ships cause a much bigger problem

It is estimated that up to 50% of total deaths from covid are in care homes.

Thoughtless and divisive?

I think not. Quite the opposite in fact. If your choice is to go into a care home then fine. But mums choice was to stay in her own home and we honoured that choice. I am aware that we were very proactive in pursuing that aim, and were able to find our way around the system using it to support mum. But my point is that to my mind those in nursing homes particularly at this time are being exposed unnecessarily to the virus.

That was something we could have controlled ourselves if mum was still alive. We advised the carers that no one should enter her home if they had a slight cold (mum had cold) and we felt in control of the entire situation. By controlling mums environment her only illness (pneumonia) was her last illness.

Mum had copd.

After my dad died, my mum wanted to go into a care home. She had a new lease of life, no worries about shopping, housekeeping, being on her own. She had six good months, a social life, all meals made.....
Yes, there were a few niggles, nothing is perfect, but there was no real alternative. My only regret is that when she became ill and had to go into hospital that I didn’t find a nursing home/ hospice place for her very last days.
A person’s own home is not always the best place at the end, and not all families are able to take on the caring role.

Of course the current situation is dire and it is so wrong that social carers do not have PPE and so many are dying in care homes. But they won’t be dying alone.

MawB and dizzy blond, thanks for your comments here. I can't imagine many of us would choose to go into residential care, we would all want to stay home. We want the same for our loved ones but we don't always get what we want, something life will surely have taught us by now.

I hope never to go into residential care. I hope I am never in a position where I need 24 hour care, whether its nursing or social care (or whatever border dispute goes on between those agencies).

We were able to support mum at home until 3 weeks before she died. We had two sisters living within three miles, so two visits a day. As things became more difficult we were gradually able to persuade mum to accept a carer coming in twice a day "to walk the dog and do a few things if you want mum" was the only way we could persuade her. We were three loving daughters, all working full time and with the usual demands from other family members, grandchildren, adult children, our own health at times causing multiple hospital visits. Whitewave, like your family, we had the financial and other resources to manage over 5 years in this way. Not everyone is as fortunate and additionally, some parents need even greater care than you and we were able to provide. I don't feel able suggest that people whose partner/child/parent or other loved one goes into residential care is letting them down in some way.

I didn’t mean lack of character maw you are reading something into my statement that isn’t there.

I am the same character as mum, happy in my own company, almost certainly an introvert.

sorry x posted there with Maw, whitewave and cabbie

maw again you are assuming that mum had the financial wherewithal. Absolutely not! Mum contributed a small amount every month, which was topped up by the SS.

That is not to say that we would not have done it if necessary, but mum retained her independence,

Oh sorry iam that last post should be addressed to.

Hard to keep up.

But again with your letting them down remark. Where have I suggested that?

Look all I am saying is largely a couple of things.

That I would hate to go into a care home. Surely I’m allowed that preference?
And

At the moment I think what is happening is absolutely tragic, and dystopian. It fills me with horror.

I have made no comment on others choices neither would I. So please allow me my choice as I would yours.

Whitewave - my point about resources stands. We helped a friend get support because despite having run a successful business, he'd been unable to manoeuvre between district nurses, doctors and care assistants and was paying a small fortune every week. Knowledge of the systems helped and for the next two years of his wife's life he had respite and financial as well as practical support from the local authority.

Then how come we were able to do it?

We had zero knowledge of the system prior to this.

When / if the time comes I will have to move to England !

I have in the lng distant past had experience of people receiving poor car ein care homes, but my more recent experience is of good care in good homes with good staff.

Staying at home does not guarantee a good standard of care, even when people live with their families. I worked as a volunteer Home visitor for Age Concern (as was) for 10 years. I saw families giving the most wonderful care, but I also came across elder abuse by family members, both physically and monetary. I saw people with the best of home care and I saw people left home who could not manage and were miserable, unhappy and copying with demeaning treatment. How would you like to spend your days with an uncovered commode next to you, while you were dressed but with out knickers on, because you could just about get from your chair to the commode and back again, but could not get knickers up and down or cover the commode or move any further?

I think at home or in care your chances of being happy and settled or miserable and unhappy are about equal.

You cannot make judgement of either form of care on your own experience alone. Over 10 years of visiting hundreds of clients, possibly 1,000, plus personal experience outwith my volunteer work. I saw the best and worst of both.

Nor me if I can help it. I intend to be the batty old lady who got shopping in her pj, slippers and a hat. Who smiles at everyone and is happy. But you never know

There is only one member of my family who is happy, content, well fed and getting plenty of exercise. That is of course my DH who has no idea that he has advanced dementia and no worries, indeed no knowledge of the pandemic crisis. He is a wanderer, but free to walk in the totally enclosed gardens, always wearing his alarm button which the staff can use to locate him. The family can see and talk to him via skype, although he is not very interested, would rather be walking, dancing, drumming, watching TV or having a cuppa and a cake with his friends.

No cases in the Home (so far) Nurse Practitioner visits regularly, care staff routinely checking temperatures as part of daily routine. I did have a fleeting thought of bringing DH "home", but know I could not cope all by myself as he needs 24 hour supervision, is doubly incontinent, would need to be kept locked in. That is the reason he moved into a care home last year.

His Care Home is run by the LA. ALL the staff are highly qualified and they (even the kitchen assistants, cleaners,
laundry staff have in service training. I am pleased they have been granted a pay rose back dated to 1 April to bring them up to the living wage. They deserve far more.

My older sister had a severe stroke five years ago and the hospital would not release her to anything other than a nursing home. She can do nothing for herself. This is a very worrying time. But unless the OP is willing - and able - to commit suicide, there may be no alternative. None of us knows what the future holds for us.

You were lucky WWM2, lucky that you were financially able to, ( and I trust you still paid your Mother’s careers when they had colds) lucky that you lived locally, lucky that it was what your Mother wanted and that she was not lonely. Many of the elderly and infirm are very lonely which can as much of a killer as infections.
Facts are hugely important, all care homes I have visited recently, and there are many, have appropriate PPE, staff do not wear it all the time as residents are often very scared when a masked person attends to them but that is their choice and I cannot praise them enough for putting residents first. As far as I can see, visiting care homes at all times of the day and night and being a very nosey person, they are mostly caring and supportive establishments and have improved massively over the past 10 years. Occasionally I will go into one that does not have high standards but it is a lot rarer than it was. Referring to the current situation as dystopian is, quite frankly, untrue and scary for those who have loved ones in care homes.
People do not die alone and untreated in care homes, but they do at home. Frequently families are unable to visit and certainly unable to stay with people. I would say that there as many people unhappy in their own homes despite caring and loving families as there are in care homes.
There are also many family members, mainly women, who are exhausted and who become ill themselves, as they try and adhere to their loved ones wishes to stay in their own homes.

I didn’t say “thoughtless and divisive” *Whitewave, I said thoughtless and dismissive - a very different thing..
Dismissing all care homes as analogous with the worst of a Eugenics philosophy or “Brave New World” disposal facility - what are you saying about and to those of us with partners or parents in residential care?
Hurtful does not come close - more like libellous.
Petri dishes - you might as well say the same about hospital A&E departments.
No, it’s your “I’m all right Jack” attitude which I take extreme exception to. As you later realised I made no assumptions or indeed reference to funding.
Keep your opinion about yourself but please do NOT tar all residential care with the same brush and make those who have had to make that difficult decision even more heartbreaking.

I looked at care homes when my mum was in hospital. There wasn't one I liked. The staff were trying, they obviously did their best, but the rooms were tiny, doors were left open so you could see people in bed, staffing levels were cut to the bone. Care homes now are just profit making machines for their owners and no matter how hard they try there is nothing the staff can do about it. I don't want to finish up in one.

My Aunt who died one year ago yesterday, remained at home, latterly with the help of carers 3x a day until we persuaded her that she needed a couple of weeks care in a care home. She wasn't keen but went and after a week decided she was going home, packed her bag and reorganised her carers, food & milk deliveries herself! She had a bit of a set back and decided to stay for the 2nd week at the end of which she decided she really was quite happy & comfortable so stayed for the next 5 weeks until she died, peacefully and comfortably, at the age of almost 104. The carers were all wonderful & couldn't have done more for her to make her final few weeks as easy as possible. The home was spotless and the care If I landed up in a home such as this in my dotage , I don’t think I’d be too unhappy - nor would my children ....

It’s all very well to say that you won’t go into a nursing home, the last time my MIL went to hospital they refused to let her go home to anywhere but a nursing home, for her own safety, she has vascular dementia, in spite of my SIL going to her home several times a day, (usually because MIL refused to let the carers come within 5 feet of her: or she would get a phone call saying that her Mum needed her) finding when she arrived the mess all over the walls, there was no choice.
MIL doesn’t realise she isn’t in her own home, she thinks that the nursing home is her house and that she is kind enough to let all of these people live with her, although she thinks that they are all out to poison her. They are in lock down, but it’s doubtful that she misses any of us, she apparently enjoys her Art class, singing and watching old movies, she will speak on the phone, if it’s held for her, to my BIL and only him.
Sadly I’m not sure if we will ever see her again, but she is well cared for and isn’t alone with her nightmares.
She went, in around 3 months, from being a vibrant outgoing fashion conscious 90 yr old to being a confused, doubly incontinent old lady.
She would be mortified if she realised what was happening to her. Hopefully the sale of her home is still going through and we will have the money to pay for her continuing care.

I am living alone and self isolated.. I thought this morning that if I go down with this virus, I will stay here and die alone
rather that than be carted off to a strange place, ie. hospital

all that worries me is my cat... but I have registered her with Cats Protection.

wonder if I would be brave enough to actually do that though, I tend to be a bit of a realist

My mother and maternal grandmother had dementia. Horrendous both physically capable very athletic however their mind was full of horrendous thoughts from dementia .
I have made my desire to go into a nursing home very very clear to my family. Neither mum nor nan were able to stay at home.
They both ended up quite violent and just horrible.
Nans nursing wasn't great . Mum's was. They were amazing to her and she was nasty and an escape artist. .
I know "with it" mum would have been so grateful to being in a home and not having to inflict herself on us
I understand your choice OP however for me I will go into care if necessary and my family it would be my much preferred choice

Not everyone who is in a care home is elderly, nor does everyone have the ‘capacity’ or ability to bring their relative home due to extensive care needs.
My husband is 60, he suffers from MS and dementia , incontinence, choking plus a number of other illnesses that prevent me from looking after him at home. I didn’t take the decision lightly for him to go in to care.
I had a battle to get him in to a ‘good’ care home some I wouldn’t have put a pig in to, he is now in a home for under 65s I would class his care as excellent. Not all homes are unhappy places.
Those of you who feel guilty for putting your relatives in to care I feel for you as I feel the same, and now I can’t see him in person I am heart broken. For those of you that do or have managed I take my hat off to you, I looked after my husband for over 20 years so I know what it entails.