When the time comes I’m not going into a Care Home

What is happening is a total and absolute national scandal.

Sounds as though it was a bad one - they do exist sadly. But so do really good ones too I am glad to say.

Two years ago after being in hospital the hospital sent me into a care home for rehabilitation. I don’t know if it was because the NHS was paying but I was in a different part of the establishment to the paying clients on the top floor and it was very much below standard. The sheets on the bed were too small to cover the bed which was not made the week I was in there. I had to provide my own Tv. Owing to mobility problems I couldn’t walk to the Tv lounge because no walking aid was provided.
When I was in severe pain and rang for help I had to wait half an hour before someone came and said I would have to wait until the drug trolley came in an hour and half time.
One day I was not helped to shower or dressed and was left in nightie til next day.
I had to have a commode for the night. A heavy iron thing with no cover which they did not take away in spite of requests until midday so had to eat with that in the room. When they did take it they left it in the toilet doorway and I had to move it myself when I wanted to use the loo. Not an easy task for me.
It was hot sunny weather and the private patients were taken into the garden for a barbecue.
Worst week of my life like being in prison. Certainly was not a care home.

So many of you are assuming that you will be in your right mind when you go into care. The majority of care home residents have dementia of one kind or another, or go there straight from hospital because they are incapable of managing at home. That is why 2 years plus is the average stay. Some are there only weeks or months. Two of the family members I was responsible for spent 6 years in their care home. One was there 18 months and another 7 weeks. It entirely depends on the reason and age they went into care and their state of health. The ones with the longest stays were in good physical health when they went in, but with mental problems. One with dementia and the other with depression. Those with the shortest stays, had terminal condtions when admitted.

Just a couple of interesting facts:
Only 5% of over 65s live in care homes and other specialist housing at any one time. See www.ageuk.org.uk/globalassets/age-uk/documents/reports-and-publications/later_life_uk_factsheet.pdf

I work alongside CQC and all of the inspections I've attended have been unannounced. I have never found that a resident not engaging with an activity would penalise the home, indeed resident choice and control are a priority in the assessments. It is not "easy" to get a good rating, multiple factors are taken into account including residents and relatives opinions and views.

Hetty58, I don't see how you can make a blanket assertion about people not living long in care homes. Some do, some don’t - I believe the average is somewhere around 2 1/2. years. Obviously a lot is going to depend on the person’s general health at the start, and of course by definition the vast majority of people needing residential care will be physically or mentally frail, or both.

For the record, my mother moved into her (dementia-only) care home when she was 89, and was very well looked after until she died there at 97.

I know she was unusual, but there were other residents who lived there for several years, too.
And as I said before, it was by no means the most expensive home we looked at, either, though we did look at a lot before choosing.

We had to move my late mother three times before we found
a suitable residential home for her. I visited nearly every day and brought her home for a few hours occasionally. I could see they didn't live up to their claims of care but we had no alternative. They are very sad places for the physically disabled and do not offer much or any stimulous for the residents. We are now all aware of the dreadful situation these poor folk are in and can only hope they are treated with kindness and respect,

My son's have told me not to worry when the time comes they will find me a good care home!
I told them sorry to disappoint you but I will be selling the house and moving to Spain! (pre Corona Virus).
I have also said they better find one that plays rock music because if they play Abba I will get up on my zimmer frame and wreck the music system!!!

I guess they are petri dishes in the same way, as I said before, that schools, hotels, cruise ships etc. - a potential breeding ground for germs. But that does not stop people going to these places, any more than it should stop people going to good care homes.

Surely it depends on the care home. My brother has downs syndrome and is in a care home. He can't look look after himself. He is happy, he knows the carers, before the lockdown they welcomed visitors any time and me and my siblings would tsknehim out for a drunk or lunch etc. Now he can't go out so carers are arranging activities
It's unfair to call all care homes petri dishes. Some people have no choice but to live in them

My mum had dementia. I took the advice of social care and GP who advised she stay at home. She had a care package and carers who visited 3 times a day. They were dreadful to the point I had to raise a safeguarding and reported them to the CQC. They left my mum on the floor and long story short, she ended up in Hospital and then went into care. For the first time in a long time she was happy. She had other residents to talk to and the staff were lovely. The home was occasionally used as an over spill for NHS bed blockers and unfortunately a nasty chest infection was brought into the home. 5 of the residents died including my Mum. All I can say is she was cared for and looked after right to the end, although I do regret that they didn't call me on the night she died, so I wasn't with her. For myself I have mixed emotions about homes, but if I needed it and did not have capacity that would be another matter.

TATT oh well never mind just forget it. I’m sure you have better things to do.

* Whitewavemark2*
I have read them now.
I’m sorry, but I cannot get past your ‘character’ remark.

kim if I had children to care for I would have been forced to make exactly the same decision, and felt exactly as you feel, but what else could you have done?

Never ever feel guilty for putting your children first. Children are the future and deserve the best upbringing possible. How can anyone possibly do that with a mum with dementia in the house.

You are human not super woman.

Even now, many years later, I've never managed to forgive myself for agreeing to have my Mum in a care home. She had lost the plot completely but I still live with the guilt even although she had recommended this route to me in her time of complete and hilarious sanity. I loved her so. However, I opted for putting the childrens' interests first. Under the circumstances, I still feel it was the lesser of two evil decisions but I still find it difficult to live with even after all these years.,

Oopsadaisy3
That’s so sad. Unfortunately those closest feel it most, even when it really is the best decision.

PS it has to be said that apart from the Dementia and all of the associated problems that it brings, physically MIL is very healthy and strong, she might not remember how to read, write, dress, go to the bathroom and do any of the personal care, but if she came at you , you would know it.

Hilarybee masses of guilt, MIL should have gone into a nursing home a long time ago, but SIL waited until the Hospital said that she couldn’t go home, the ways things have gone we are all relieved that MIL isn’t at home alone now. But SIL and her family feel guilty that they couldn’t care for her, she turns her back on them when they visit and refuses to acknowledge them, tells me that there is a rift, at least she did before they were locked down, ironically she will only speak to her middle son and he is the one that signed all of the forms for the home, as SIL couldn’t bring herself to do it.

I wonder if most people experience a lot of guilt when elderly relatives need increasing levels of care either at home or if a decision is made for the loved one to go into residential care. There should be no need to justify that decision as I guess that decision whatever it is is made with the hope that it’s the best for all involved.
On a personal level I will definitely go into care if it ever becomes necessary. Somewhere close to my family so I can have plenty of visitors but enjoy some independence from them. A good care home will encourage residents to maintain their maximum level of independence whatever that may be.

Very few people would actually choose to go into a care home. Let's face it, usually, it's a last resort and the people 'choosing' are family and social workers. They have little real choice.

Very few of us would want our family to care for us either. We'd want them to live their own lives, not sacrifice them to care for us. The cost of carers at home, especially 24 hr, is unaffordable for most.

I'd never criticise the care home staff either (although every barrel has a few rotten apples). Most are on minimum wage, even in luxury care, with basic training and a ridiculous workload. Many can hardly speak English. They do their best. We don't demand anything better.

Managers (in BUPA homes) are paid bonuses for saving money. Night staff ratios are inadequate, despite many elderly folk being wide awake at night.

There are no night inspections by CQC, few unannounced ones - and incredibly low standards to meet overall. A 'good' rating is very easy to maintain.

Visit any home after lunch, in the 'happy hour' of activities and entertainment. You'll see clean, tidy people in chairs looking engaged or relaxed.

You'll believe that they're well looked after, they're washed, dressed, fed etc. (apparently, these are the few 'activities of daily living' - merely existing) and be thankful that you only have to visit!

You'll ignore the fact that people don't survive long in homes, compared to those looked after at home. Their lives are cut short.

The care home sector is failing, though. They don't often make much profit. Many are closing or will close. The future is seen as care at home, hence the proposed changes to funding. You'll pay from your estate wherever you're looked after.

when my mum was in one after being in hospital she didn't want to eat communally or to go to activities, while the staff offered to take her she was not forced to go, she did go to one thing which she enjoyed though. When I visit I make sure I eat with her, which my brother doesn't, and I think she enjoys that
I'vealso seen my inlaws who both needed care, but didn't want to move near their children, they ended up getting live in help, MIL hated it, yes they were at home but they did not enjoy it, even when they had the house adapted. They would have been much better living up 20 mins from each son, they would have had more visits that were not basically firefighting crises happening and I'm sure would have been happier. Yes they wanted to be near friends but to be honest there were none left just acquaintances so, in the end, the reason to stay disappeared. MIL got what she wanted but was not happy, FIL did have to move into a home, got lots of visits and seemed happier

my husband spent the last few years of his life in a care home.It wasn't what we wanted,but it became impossible for the care he needed to be set up at home.We got used to it,and still had some happy times together.He developed lung cancer on top of his other problems,which were to do with his mobility,he passed away 2 years ago.We have to remember that the staff work so hard,they are not that well paid.The staff were so good at the end of his life,they had a lot of very distressing things to do,I realised how fond they become of the residents.I think of all that care home staff are doing at the moment,they haven't had a crisis like this to deal with before.It must be heartbreaking to see the residents that they love being in this situation.

It is very hard. sometimes though there comes point where moving to a home can be a positive thing. I'm thinking about a very elderly gentleman I know, no close relations, lost his wife, who sadly had to go in a home after breaking her hip then dementia got worse. He has ended up in the hospital several times in the last year, his care visits increased to 4timesa day, and regular trips to the day centre. |Then his health deteriorated to the point where 4 visits were not enough once he came out of the hospital. He went to several homes for rehab etc, and is now in a lovely new one and I dropped in unannounced one day. He'd new glasses, new clothes, was well-groomed, looked so much better than he had been, his leg was better, basically, the carers didn't have time to sort out things like opticians, and how difficult it is when you can't see properly, they didn't have time to shave him and get him dressed and fed, no neglect, just no time, no one to make sure he had new clothes, his weren' t dirty, they helped with washing, just old and worn out, honestly, he is much better off there with the company all days if he wants it and create all times, no worrying well he fall and be there till the morning. A good home well-chosen can be good for people like him. Other neighbours have visited unannounced and had good impression. I've visited people at their home and being at home doesn't;r mean always that there is no smell. My poor dad at the end needed 24-hour care, happy to provide it but his health situation meant he was better off in a home with a nurse on-site, although the local district nurses were good. He was falling because of his heart problem, he needed more than like old me. It wasn't the best situation but neither was staying at home. In the end, he was there 10 days, this time when he had a funny turn he died in the ambulance. Looking back he'd had another one earlier in the year when he was in rehab after an injury, he was ok in the hospital that time. Had he not had someone check on him as they did throughout the night I believe we'd have lost him then>
I've no doubt some can be worse, and that sometimes people are better off at home, but I've seen with my parents' generation people who suffered at home too long and would have been happier had they found a nice one when not in a crisis. Even if family live locally one old man managed to fall after his son visited and was there ages, because he wouldn't have an alarm....I'd not want to see anyone in a home sooner than was right or they'd need of care, but sometimes home is right either and a home can be the better option .

Whitewavemark2 I have read about half of this thread - not enough time for all, sorry - and I think one of the problems is that your OP is not expressed as an opinion but as a statement of fact..

Tillybelle, my mother wasn’t very sociable, and was never a joiner-inner, but she was never pressured into joining in activities at her care home. They were often held away from the main sitting room area anyway, but I have to say that most residents seemed to enjoy them - activities were very varied, too.

One thing that did once make me mad, though not with the care home - the staff once told me very apologetically that she’d been taken to some activity she’d never have wanted to go to, and frankly was way past being able to enjoy or participate in anyway.
Why?
Because the CQC lot were doing an assessment, and anyone ‘just sitting’ would mean a black mark!
Never mind that ‘just sitting’, or perhaps wandering up and down, was all that anyone at my mother’s stage of dementia was capable of anyway.
I said that if it should ever happen again, please leave her in peace and refer the CQC bods to me!

From then on I’ve been very sceptical about CQC reports, if such tick-box assessments are the norm, and take little or no account of residents wishes or abilities.