Shut down threats of estrangement

I am replying to your compromise post
I so agree with you.

Hithere

I’m not pretending for a second that my situation with my mother is ideal, I’m always envious of my friends who have close relationships with their mothers, but the feeling of relief I felt when I decided I wasn’t going to have anything else to do with her was immense, still is.

I’ve never taken it to the wider family, it’s between me and her, my children and husband keep in touch

Sarah65
I sympathize with you and I understand 100%
A relationship is not always possible, even if there is a DNA link with that person
You did the right thing for you

I did, Thankyou

I look at mumsnet sometimes and have never seen people egging each other on to 'go NC'.
I have seen people post in desperation after appalling behaviour and attitudes from parents or in-laws, who are advised to give it up as a bad job.

Have you never seen the "WHY are you still in touch with this person" posts on mumsnet? There are a small number of frequent posters who are strong advocates of NC in every case of strained relationships.

I haven't seen those posts but I'd take them as a suggestion to look at the relationship to see if it has value, or if you really need to leave it.

I would think that if I felt I had a respectful relationship with my AC and enjoyed their company (and they my company) and they came to me and told me that my behavior was causing them so consider taking a break from me or going "no contact" I would be concerned and confused.

After all, I felt I had had a good relationship... where did I go wrong? I would look hard at the relationship. I would want to understand where I went wrong. I would apologize and amend my behavior.

But to other posters points, if I didn't have a good relationship and there was an undercurrent of conflict I wouldn't be surprised by their wanting space.

Has anyone who has done this No Contact to their own parent/s subsequently had it done to them by one of their own children? If so, how did it feel?

*what about the grandchildren?
Does anyone ever ask how they feel going NC?*

A lot of people put up with bad family dynamics UNTIL they have children... and then realise that ig they continue putting up with bad relationships their children will learn that that is normal.

People go NC FOR their children! To break the cycle

Pantglas1, my family has gone no contact back and forth many times over- It never feels great- But not all things that need to be done feel good- Sometimes living with the discomfort of not having people in your life is enough instead of an abundance of unnecessary drama and stuff that doesn't scale back even after difficult discussions have been had and leaves you feeling drained of energy repeatedly- But sometimes not having someone in your life is more painful than having them be a part it-

I have trouble with "I'm better than you" boundary setters and helicopter parents with hair-trigger attitudes- The feeling is mutual- Their brand of cruelty and the impact it has is worth observing for anyone wishing to learn what not to do to children and how not to set healthy boundaries-

Thanks for replying Rosecarmel. I’ve often wondered when I’ve read some of the responses of people who have done no contact, giving their reasons for doing it. I suppose they can hardly complain when it happens to them, can they? Maybe they’re more understanding/accepting of it all than the rest of us.

Well said rosecarmel

Pantglas1

People don’t always have to do anything dramatic, often I think, a relationship continues, no matter how toxic , because you don’t just stop contact with your mother/sister/child.

Then something happens or something is said, and yes, it’s the last straw, but I doubt many do it lightly, it’s probably after years of a very difficult relationship

Of course Sara65 not all parent/child relationships are happy ones and I know of many siblings who have no contact in adulthood for varying reasons.

I do believe that inadvertently precedents/examples are set for your own children to replicate this type of response to familial difficulties and you could be on the receiving end one day. Again, my question is, how would anyone feel about that?

Estrangement has been practiced in my family for generations- On both sides of my family- I'm accepting of the many ways people part ways and why, with one exception: I'm better than you- Not to be confused with I need space to better myself and/or situation-

Unfortunately, my family has experienced much trauma- Fortunately, the reunion rate is high- Forgiveness, compassion and understanding have been key- Also knowing when to let go- And not only of people who leave or we leave but of our own expectations of those who stay due to their willingness to work at the relationship together-

Pantglas

Well obviously really dreadful, and I’d do everything possible to prevent it.

But I’ve never had the difficult relationship with any of my children, that I had with my mother.

I know, when we’ve had the odd problem with one of my daughters, I tend to withdraw, because I’m worried things may get said, that can’t be taken back, but my husband, bless him, calmly and rationally always sorts things out.

Yes, I would feel dreadful, and naturally guilty, nothing is ever completely one sided, and maybe a bit of me would be thinking I got what I deserved, I hope it’s never put to the test!

Thank you rosecarmel for sharing your experiences, I’m sure most families have some form of NC somewhere along the line. Reading all the different comments is very informative and hopefully helps anyone going through the process at the moment to understand the other persons viewpoint, even if they don’t agree with it. to all in this situation.

if you are 'writing notes' to your grown up kids the problem is quite deep...

Thanks Sara65 for your reply - you’ve obviously found a way to deal with difficulties which I admire - strategic withdrawal is greatly underestimated I find.....I’m a great believer in that!

It doesn't feel good to have someone let you go- Period- But it feels worse when let go without explanation- Why? Because the first thing most people do when it happens is blame themselves until the shock wears off and reality sets in and they realize that they truly have no idea why they were let go of-

The proverbial last straw could have been long-awaited by the individual who considered cutting off in advance as a way to escape any situation that they not only didn't want to navigate but we're reluctant to or too immature or inexperienced to discuss-

Rosecarmel

For me, I don’t think I ever contemplated cutting my mother off till it happened, then something snapped, and I thought, I’m just not doing this anymore!

I’ve resisted any contact since, I don’t want to build bridges, or enter into any discussions I’m so relieved that I don’t have to try anymore

No doubt, there are some cases, rosecarmel where people really don't know why they were CO. We've seen that here on GN. But in some cases, it may be that they are just not facing the problem or just can't see it b/c they don't agree. If, for example, a GP felt it was "normal" for GPs to "spoil' their GC by giving them extra or "forbidden" treats and they refused to stop, even after being asked to several times, they might get CO due to that. But they might not see/want to see that this was the reason. If their attitude is, "but that's what GPs do!" then they may have a hard time believing that this was the reason the parents went NC.

Or even if they've done nothing wrong specifically, they may have noticed that their AC was cold to them for a long time, but didn't realize that meant they might go NC. It might be b/c of issues the AC has within their marriage or even within themselves. But no matter, my point is often there were red flags there all along that the parents just didn't/couldn't/wouldn't see. Then the CO happens, and the parents just don't/can't/won't admit to themselves that there were signs along the way for years.

This is why I think, ideally, AC (or any family member, for that matter) should give an explanation before they shut communication down. B/c even if the signs were there, parents, etc. don't always see them. The AC don't have to go into a complex explanation. They just need to say it once and then go NC. ("I'm sorry, Mum, but I told you we don't want unsolicited advice about our parenting and you wouldn't stop, so I'm done.")

But, realistically, this may be a very painful conversation. And the parent is likely to say, "But this/that/ the other," or desperately proclaim, "Ok, I won't do it again!" even if they (and the AC) are not sure they can go through w/ that promise. There's no pleasant way to say, "I'm going NC, Mum and Dad." So I can understand why some AC just quietly fade away.

But maybe it's better to have that painful conversation? I think so, but I'm not sure. Thoughts?

Very thoughtful post Starlady.

I agree. An explanation would be best. However, I believe that cut off is an extreme solution to a prolonged problem where the AC don’t feel they’ve been listened to have no other option. And to your point AC don’t want to open up more negotiations, denials and false promises of changes behavior in the future.

Time after time of these conversations results in the cut off.

Hopefully most cut offs aren’t forever. Just long enough for heads and hearts to heal and for the offender to realize what they permanently lose by continuing their behavior.

But it’s all a terrible situation.

Good mama,
Perfectly explained