Shut down threats of estrangement

Yes Summerlove I really think she did derive pleasure from disrespecting me, but that didn't mean that she wasn't safe to mind our boys.

It was a pain in the butt having to calm them down when they'd spent time with their GP's, but it was our choice. It enabled us to have some time for ourselves once in a while.

Had it been too much of an issue then no, we wouldn't have allowed them to have the boys unless we were also there.

But to go no contact over such a thing; to never allow them to see their GC again. She raised 5, I married the 2nd and have been happily married to him for almost 39 years so she did OK as a mum and has done OK as a GM and GGM. Not so good overall as a m.i.l. but hey ho.

Child rearing techniques change over time but that doesn't mean that everything we did when our children were small was wrong, and that everything they do today is right.

Going no contact for such petty things such as not having your rules followed therefore feeling disrespected is cruel and unnecessary. It is the behaviour of a petulant child, not an adult.

Not respecting someone is the behaviour of a petulant child. And for some it’s not something they want shown to their children.

That cuts both ways Bibbity, it can just as equally be argued that parents who don't respect their parents views and opinions on certain matters are behaving like petulant children.

It's very sad that cutting out their parents and their children's GP's isn't as high on the list of examples they wish to set for their children, as disrespect.

Most see it as showing the children that they will not be undermined. And that they don’t need to be doormats in their lives.

Well said Bibbity

We will agree to disagree smiless, I feel that someone who teaches children that their parents don’t need to be minded or respected actually is a danger.

For me, that’s not about disrespecting the way the parent brought to you or your spouse up with what was current childminding techniques. You can respect that while doing things differently quite easily. But a grandparent choosing to throw a tantrum because they want to do things their way, isn’t someone to respectful to the parents of young kids, or the grandkids they claim to adore.

I feel so badly for the kids In cases like that. The grandparents are using them to show the parents that the grandparents can get away with whatever they want. The children are the ones who end up tired, strawberry, and often disciplined for acting out after such days. Results no loving grandparent would ever strive for

I think NC is a method used in an attempt to control parents and grandparents. Is it all really worth it?
It is not good for DGC or DGP. It could even be abusive

An adult ‘child’ and parent are equals. The ‘parent’ does not deserve any more respect or obedience than the ‘child’

When it comes to the GC they are not equal. The AC is the one with seniority and is the one who must be minded.

It’s not abusive to not want a relationship with someone. It would be abusive to her as and stalk someone. To bully them, to send threats etc.

To block contact and continue on with their lives is not abusive. It’s an adult making a choice for their own lives.

As I previously posted, my m.i.l. was not a danger to our boys because she flouted some of our rules. I agree that it is wrong for GP's to behave in this way but if the result is the GC's parents going no contact, the withdrawal of the GC is being used as a punishment.

When parents decide to go no contact they are not just making a choice for their own lives, they are making a decision that affects their children's lives.

Some of these children will grow up never knowing their GP's while others will be left in a state of confusion as to why the GP's they knew and loved, simply aren't there anymore.

NC is a method used to stop abusive and toxic people from harming you.
Ultimately we are all free to say 'no I do not want this person to be part of my life'

I agree with smileless

I think we over react at times, I can think of times I was fuming with my mother in law, but I’d never have stopped her seeing the children, who she loved very much, and who loved her. Also, it would have been upsetting for my husband

We dealt with it, by laughing about it

Not many grandparents complain that they are estranged from their teen aged grandchildren-

Smileles...I too agree with your last 3 posts.
I find it so difficult to express these thoughts and feelings when more erudite posters give their perspective, so thank you for putting everything in such a concise and honest way.

Babbitty...Are you not broadening out the discussion unnecessarily,to include the type of behaviour no one would want to accept?

rosecarmel...can you expand your point a little? Not quite sure where your headed!

Not at all. I am responding to comments. Many posters have said they would accept a whole load of different behaviours. What they need to accept is just because they were happy to allow something doesn’t mean other will.

Adults are not accountable to anyone in regards to what relationships they follow or sever.
They don’t need to justify their reasons and then have others decide wether those reasons are good enough.

So how would you feel if your adult child did it to you Bibbity?

I don’t know. I’m not going to go to mental gymnastics to create a hypothetical situation.
It’s such a lazy argument to throw out. Nothing better?

I wouldn’t hold onto relationships that are toxic or cause me stress etc under the fear that someone might do that to me.
I’ve ended friendships. I’ve ended relationships. Should I not have done that?!
What if my husband divorces me?!

It was a genuine question not an argument Bibbity - I have nothing better I’m afraid, no mental gymnastics or hypothetical situations.

I’ve always thought that people who have gone NC would be fine with it if it happened to them as they put such a reasoned point across for their own estrangement. Maybe not....

If I did half of what I’ve heard other parents doing to their children to cause a full cut off then I couldn’t really be surprised.

For us, and I can only speak for us and our circumstances.

It had nothing to do with controlling anyone, it was about taking some control back for ourselves as we had none.
It got worse once we had Children. It could of all been avoided if we carried on doing as we were told.
It wasn't healthy, when we did start speaking up is when it got worse.

She will always and forever say she has done nothing wrong to warrant being walked away from. That's her opinion and proof for me that she either has selective hearing or she thinks she's untouchable or she literally just doesn't give a toss about us as grown adults and parents.

As a parent, if I had the relationship she had with her son, I wouldn't be surprised. I point blank wouldnt talk or treat my children the way she has and my head isn't that far up my own arse to think that I'd be utterly blameless when it's been spelt out for me numerous times.

What's that saying? 'Go ahead and tell people what I've done to you but don't forget to tell them what you did to me first'
That's our situation.

March. My MIL was the victim when her eldest DS CO. She was the victim of her evil DIL when her second DS CO.
I don’t know what she’s told people when DH CO.
But luckily for us the general consensus of anyone who’s ever met her is That she is BSC.

Thank you Namsnanny.

Pantglas hasn't thrown out a lazy argument Bibbity, it's a reasonable enough question to ask IMO of a poster whose posts on estrangement in general are supportive of the estranging AC.

You say "Adults are not accountable to anyone in regards to what relationships they follow or sever". Perhaps that's why we're seeing so many broken ones. Any adult who believes that they don't have to consider anyone other than themselves, or be accountable to anyone else is going to find it virtually impossible to sustain any kind of a relationship.

Of course adults are accountable as a whole. Accountable to their bosses. Accountable to the law. accountable to their spouse.

But are they bound to justify why they have decided to end a relationship? No.
They don’t have to justify or prove that what they’ve done is right.