How to react to racism in newly reconciled daughter?

Thank you GagaJo, I very much appreciate your comment.

I think quite a few people are being sucked into this sort of hate culture on the internet. I think maybe it attracts people who tend to be a bit aimless, disaffected with society and resentful of others. Perhaps promulgating these ideas gives them a sense of power - they get to feel that they are the only ones insightful and intelligent enough to " see what's really going on".

If it were a friend sending me stuff like that I would not continue the friendship but it is quite difficult when a daughter or someone very close is involved. I think I would try and ignore it - at least for the time being - because to do otherwise might cause you to lose touch once again. It's probably quite important that your granddaughter has contact with you and your family so that she can see not everyone feels the same as her parents.

ignore it for the moment.
certainly do not thank her for sending such links. that's absurd.
you need to just tread water, rather than trying to swim the channel.
conserve your energies, and affection, attention, for your DH.
all the best.

Agree with bibbity.

When it's your DD it is different. If it were a friend on facebook, I would instantly unfriend them but that goes for any extreme views. I find as I get older my political views are calmer and I am prepared to hear what people say without damning them on first sight.

We can't expect to agree on everything and should be glad that our views don't put us in jail or worse.

Ignore DD's messages unless you think they are a coded cry for help? If as you say she has been brought up as your child how could this have happened to her unless she is being controlled?

When it's your DD it is different.
It is, especially when the relationship is fragile as it seems to be in this case.

Is it attention seeking? Sending links which she knows might be outrageou?

Thank you everybody. In the end I just didn't acknowledge the latest link. I don't know why she sends them, I really don't, but I do know that she won't change her views, based on anything I say. There is no upside and potentially a large downside to saying anything. It is what it is.

How very difficult this situation must be, and I wonder if, like callistemon suggested, this sending of unpleasant and racist links that your DD must know will upset you is some sort of attention seeking or even a test to see how far she can push you? Thankfully I have not suffered from estrangement like some on here have, but I am worried how after all the hurt caused by moving, marrying, giving birth without contact, your DD finds it acceptable to almost taunt you with upsetting and inflammatory emails and links, especially when her Father is so ill. It sounds cruel to me, I am sorry. What do you other daughters think?

That's an interesting point Gill I wonder if there is something in your D testing her boundaries PF, seeing how far she can go.

You've done the right thing I think not acknowledging the latest link. Hopefully if you don't acknowledge them, she'll stop sending them. I hope so, you've been through so much already x.

I truly agree about being a positive influence for the grandchildren. As much as it makes me hugely uncomfortable, I probably wouldn't stop talking to most people because they are ignorant/have racist views because I would hope I could talk them round. That's the only way we can be a force for good in this world. This situation is just so much more tricky.

Ignoring that type of thing, may not be actively educating but at lest it does send a message that it isn't wanted without pressure on the relationship

Upon reflection, I don't think that she is trying to goad me. I think that she genuinely believes what she says and that it comes, probably in SIL's case from a feeling of his supremacy, which happens to be white male. However, in DD's case, it seems to come more from a position of fear, at least in part. She mentioned Rotherham in our last conversation and their concerns for the DGDs.

I just said that there is good and bad in all nationalities, colours and creeds, that I was a 'live and let live', liberal sort of person, as long as people's beliefs didn't impinge upon other people's safety or liberty. She knows that we have very different political views on things, especially Brexit, which I dealt with by just saying how I felt, from the heart, and that I simply disagreed with her. But this is something different and, upsetting though it is, and probably reflects badly on me, I think I will just not rise to the bait. I know from experience that it won't do any good. SIL is only tolerating the reconciliation for financial reasons and would be very happy for us to be shut out again. I don't want that to happen so I must be cautious.

This does not reflect badly on you at all. You are far to harsh on yourself.
You need to look at how brilliant you have been through everything you’ve been put through throughout the years.
You can not control others only yourself.
You have so much on your plate please put yourself first.

Great post Bibbity take it on board PF because it's absolutely true x

Thank you Bibbity and Smileless for your support. I sent a positive message to her today, innocuous, about recipes and pets and what we are doing over the weekend. It is enough, it has to be, no point in chasing what cannot be.

I don't think I am brilliant at all, but I don't think that I am awful either, probably just average, maybe ok, but I do love her with all my heart. However, sometimes love, unfortunately, is not enough.

I meant sometimes love is not enough. Hopefully, mostly, love is enough.

PF that sounds like a good message to have sent and you have so much love for your D, hopefully love will be enough x

Thanks Smileless. x

Petit, your relationship is still fragile and your husband unwell, now is not the time for confrontation. . Make no comment or reply when offensive material arrives, just delete them for now. No fire can burn without air. I have someone who sent me similiar and that's what I did, they got the message, I came to the conclusion I couldn't connect on any level with them eventually and I drifted away, but know you can't with a daughter.

Thanks Sparkling, that's good advice. I'm pleased to say I haven't received anything further for a while, just lovely photos of the DGDs, so hopefully she has realised that we have entirely different views.

The mention of Rotherham makes me think that your DD has genuine concerns but is channeling them wrongly, under SiL's influence most likely.
I think you are completely right to ignore the material, to give you the best chance of keeping the relationship with your DD and DGDs.

Hi petitfromage
Hope mrfromage is keeping well.
I think about you often.

Thank you granzilla (wonderful user name!).

We just take it a day at a time. Mr F isn't getting any better but then again he isn't getting any worse, according to the latest scan. I just worry terribly what will happen when the chemo ends. But you just have to carry on and appreciate the joy, even if you have to look a bit harder for it.

And you are all right, whatever their views on the political issues, it just isn't anywhere near the top of my agenda right now. I think most prejudice comes from ignorance and fear, so there is no point in arguing really.

Thank you for your support.

Good post Gagajo -and yet- for me racism is not just, as ladymuck says, 'a difference of opinion'. What a very difficult situation and I am not sure I would know how to handle it. But yes, contact with grandchildren come first.