It has gone to the legal stage re my Grandson

I am getting a solicitor tomorrow

It seems my daughter will be fighting in court to get her son back , social services will be fighting for a care order and I will be fighting for guardianship!

( Not a nice situation tbh and I wanted to work with SS not fight against them and am still hoping this can happen somehow and that they support guardianship in the end as it feels like I am being penalised for 'taking my time' to be ready for guardianship )

It's breaking my heart all over again to see him suffering like this and I can see his unhappiness in his eyes

It's gone 11PM here and little man still not asleep

Looks like all the ANXIETY is affecting his SLEEP now as well which is not good for him

We had a calm Sunday and I settled him down like I usually do but nearly 3 hours later and he is still awake which is really unusual for him and he has never still been awake at this time of night and has school tomorrow , might have to start sleeping in with him which I had to do when he first moved in and was feeling insecure and processing all the stuff he had been through

He is not his normal happy self in general even though I am trying to keep things as normal as possible at home for him

Some parents / carers end up medicating the Autistic kids when it gets this bad but I am NOT going to do that because of the side effects for him and I hope he settles down naturally which probably won't be until this is all ''over'' and he knows if he is coming or going , literally

I wish I could tell him he can stay with Nanny for life but I can't until the court case is over and if I am granted permanent guardianship for him

I am just going to leave her to it and concentrate on me and little man

I have booked a back and neck massage and facial for next week and we are going to the chalet next weekend for a break

In between the stressful times we have some really sweet , joyous bonding chillout moments together and this is bringing us closer not further apart as I was worried it would as he knows I am his rock and have the staying power and commitment to get him through his storms , always x

I find my anxiety levels are up now so am trying to get them down as much as I possibly can ( but little man's anxiety levels are up which causes mine to rise too )

There is so much uncertainty and I can't wait till we are settled again

I have a feeling my daughter is setting herself up to fail but will be dragging me and my GS with her and then we will have our own recovery period to deal with , till it's back to normal again and then we'll just have puberty to deal with

I am fuming because if this was a 100% genuine recovery on my daughters part this would be so different and it would be preparation for little man going home slowly but surely on a completely different path

I always found getting them ready for school when they were young the most stressful time of day nannynoo even without all the additional problems you both have. What with dawdling, at one point a school with no uniform so arguments about what one wanted to wear etc etc I was just glad to get them out of the door and into school or on to the bus and relieved that they went out clean, presentable and with a packed lunch.

Good luck!

You're doing a brilliant job, Nannynoo.
I take my hat off to you for dealing with such difficult times.
I work with adults who have challenging behaviour along with autism, and I have always been very pleased to get home when my shifts are over!
You're a star!

I think a dose of getting him ready for school every morning plus getting him to go to bed at bedtime every evening which are the two main stress points ( with other stress points in between as well though ) would help his Mum see the reality of it all but even if I tell her how bad it gets it is like she thinks it won't be that bad for her and maybe it wouldn't as she would not have to have all this other sh*te to deal with!!

I still honestly don't think she would cope though but I have to because I need to persevere till he gets his security back again!

Another very difficult morning GS refusing to do anything and a simple thing like getting dressed for school is like climbing a mountain to get there , we got there in the end but he was 10 minutes late with his school transport waiting outside but they are very good and understanding which helps

What I am finding is there was a boy of 9 who was already starting to find things difficult as he wanted to assert his own authority now he was older which was fine , it just got more difficult for him to do the things he absolutely did not want to do but had to do like getting dressed for school etc then on top of that you throw in this huge change around contact and being told he has a room at Mummys house and I suspect she has actually told him he is 'coming home to Mummy' as she has been itching or even desperate to tell him that for a long while and is adamant it is happening now so that is another thing for him to get his head round along with the upped contact which I feel is the main reason for the huge changes in his behaviour now to the point I sometimes feel like I cannot cope

My daughter has a dream in her head about how it will be but she would be in for a huge surprise if he is returned and the honeymoon period would not last for long! I cannot help think on a really BAD day ''well come and GET your son then but STOP DRINKING and get on with it then!!!''

I have to go through all the sh*t and she gets to do all the FUN stuff but it is not reality and am fed up of social services putting so much external pressure on us and change after change to the point of utter confusion for lo which shows in his behaviour etc and raises my stress levels too so we have a stressed out boy with a then stressed out Nan and then the changes in his behaviour are deemed as ''something happening in the home'' YES SOMETHING IS HAPPENING IN THE HOME there is an adult and child who are struggling to be treated like puppets and having to jump when told even to our detriment and negative affect on our emotional health and if the external pressures were not there I know without a doubt lo would be way more settled and both of us not under so much stress and we would just have the normal things to deal with with ie little man growing up but this is not a normal situation for me or him and the quicker they sort it out in court one way or the other the better as this 6 month wait ahead now is affecting both of us badly

Mess a little boy with additional needs around by upping contact form one to four times a week , then change it to three , then change it to two and now he is confused and upset as to why he is not seeing Mummy as often as before as he was getting used to it as has rebonded now and yet seems confused which is understandable and I do not understand why they could not just keep things the same as they were and do his Mums parenting assessment separately or once a week at contact like they did before when she failed it but there were no changes at all for his other foster carer hence she did not have a confused , upset , distraught little boy on her hands who did not know if he was coming or going as he just had his contact as normal and was unaware there was anything 'different' going on at ALL while his Mum was being assessed on but this time round there is a huge difference and a room sitting there waiting for him which he sees twice a week and am not entirely sure how he feels about that tbh and one minute he was happy about the upped contact and the next he wasn't but now he seems disappointed it has been reduced!!!

He is not a ruddy guinea pig in the middle of all this

He could also be dropped from a great height if his Mum fails as she is still drinking and then once again I am the one who has to pick up the pieces but I will till he SETTLES again but he is completely UNSETTLED right now and so am I tbh and I just want our normal home life back or for him to go home to his Mum IF she is deemed capable but this ''inbetween stage'' is unbearable for both of us and not considering the impact of all these changes and upping and downing the contact etc are having on him and therefore ME TOO

I hope he settles into to the twice a week contact soon but he is wetting himself more than once a day now so that is getting worse and day wetting is 'highly unusual in a child over 9' but so is our situation after being 2 years settled and happy etc but I want to keep the home time as happy as possible and even with the tremendous stress times in between I get through it all with him and come out the other end and he is waking up happy , going to school happy and going to bed happy which is great under the circumstances but it's the very hard bits in between to get him to that point which is sucking at the moment!!!

There are some things I think are unfair about this placement let alone being expected to supervise and even get to contact 4 times a week 12 miles away on top of all the meetings I have to attend etc & I had 4 different meetings at the school 12 miles away last week and was expected to then do 4 x contacts on top of that and have been running around like a blue ar*ed fly when all I want to do is concentrate on little man and our home life

I was told today I was meant to get a holiday payment for him each year for the past 2 years which never happened! Plus a school uniform payment for the past 2 years as well which no one told me so I did not get!

I was expected to pay all the transport costs to get myself to my daughters house 12 miles away 4 times a week let alone now 2 times a week and they said can't help with that

I feel they expect so much when all I want to do is get on with looking after little one but 'it never ends' and I have no 'space' in my life

My respite has not been sorted yet as now they are saying there is a problem with who authorises it when I was told it has been agreed upon and that they were 'looking for someone' but now it seems they are not as it has not been authorised by the other department and I was not told it needed to be

So my life consists of running up and down to contact , school meetings , open evenings and summer events , having home visits every fortnight , looking after little man and his emotional fall outs etc , running the home , looking after my dog who has a skin condition now , with no respite or break , struggling financially , feeding back to the sw by email how the contact is going , keeping up with all the dental and health appointments etc , writing records about contact and health in his fostering book , liasoning with his school about his general well being etc , going on the mandatory fostering courses which I am behind on , seeing to a plumbing problem which is leaking into the neighbours house so plumbers in and out but is not fixed yet , behind on gas safety check which is important , LAC review officer is arranging a home visit , trying to sort out the garden because it is a mess with weeds and I want to use it this summer and can't , got my carers health check next week which might be a good thing and basically if contact was still at 4 times a week on top of all that I would crack up! lol

Seeing to all little mans needs is enough in itself without all the 'extra stuff' and I don't mind the 'normal' stuff but it is not easy for me living so far away from contact and school etc and where all meetings are held and a lot of this stuff isn't 'normal' to me when I think about a normal and peaceful , therapeutic home life for me and little man

I am at the stage where I just want to be left alone to enjoy little man and him enjoy me / being here without having stressed out Nanny or Nanny under pressure as I always seem to be under some sort of pressure or stress from either social services , fostering team or my daughter , usually one after the other but there is NO let up to it and I just want to be left in peace to ruddy well get on with it so I feel guardianship is the way to go ( as long as they put the support in place , then fine!!! )

Ah thank you Irene , the thing which concerns ( and tbh annoys me ) is my daughter has had three years so far to sort herself out and I feel if it doesn't happen now it never will but it is not happening now as she is still drinking so 3 years is enough time to be given the chance to come of the drink and the support services are there but she will not access them as she says she does not need it which is worrying in itself but she insists she is clean of alcohol and that it will stay that way now and the last months relapse was just a glitch but I am not so sure

She says she has cracked it now because she threw half a bottle of vodka down the sink , well I can remember throwing away a packet of fags but still going back to smoking shortly after lol

We'll see how it all turns out but I can't help hoping it all comes out in the wash and anything hidden will come out into the open plus a hair strand test may help with that

Sometimes I think ''well go on then , sober up and take care of your responsibility so I can get my life back'' but I was thinking that 3 years ago and not much has happened her end since then unless she proves us all wrong

I feel my Grandsons anxiety and wetting himself is due to not knowing what he would be going back to as he remembers how it was before and he will never forget that

My daughter is on her last chance and tbh I think everyone feels she has been given too long a chance and too much of one without any real change

( and part of that is my fault for wanting to give her every chance possible as she is my daughter and I might have to lose her if I go against her in court etc but so be it for an innocent , vulnerable little boys sake! )

Children's wishes and feelings will be listened to but not always accepted as in their best interests. The IRO's focus is what's best for the children s/he is responsible for ensuring plans are made in a timely and child centred way. You can contact the iro if you feel his input would help.

That IRO is fab and I was hoping he would fight little mans corner and he certainly did and both he and the school said they were surprised it had been set at 4 times per week!!

My GS is not an experiment or guinea pig!

I still have a gut feeling things are not as they seem or as his Mum is trying to project which is why I will continue fighting his corner , thing is he loves his Mum and some kids would choose to remain by choice even with the neglect etc out of love , others the love turns to anger and I think he had both but the anger seems to have dispersed and now he sees his sober ( at contact ) Mummy so is heading towards wanting to be with her again , which would be fine if she stopped drinking and got help with her issues from the past and her psyche so she can offer him some stability

It's hard to balance wanting him to be happy and him being happier with his Mum because she is his Mum and he loves her - I am NAN and always will be and he knows that as he knows for certain who his MUMMY is and it is pretty natural for a child to want to be with their parent/s even if things are dire but then maybe that is where child protection comes in as that sometimes has to be over ridden for the sake of the child whether they see or understand that or not??

I don't want to be seen as the 'baddy' to my GS but I will have to over ride that to protect him if needed but it is down to the courts ( and how well my daughter gets on over the coming months!! )

If I have to hand him over I would love to do it without having any concerns but I cannot see that happening ( the having no concerns bit! )

That's good news. Im relieved you are to be made a party and your legal fees paid, the IRO was effective.

Quick update :-)

We had a LAC review and myself , my daughter and the school voiced our concerns about the amount of contact and the disruption it was causing him and the reviewing officer has stated it has to be reduced to twice a week now which is great! much more manageable for little man and me

They are going to keep an eye on his daytime wetting and agree it is probably emotional and not making sense of it all including why he has a room at his Mummy's house which causes mixed feelings and possible confusion etc but we are going to plod on now and see what happens and SS are going to pay for a solicitor for me so I can be party to the proceedings etc and they said if it does not work out with Mum he will definitely be staying with me and not going anywhere else!

So although the meeting was pretty wearing as we covered a lot of ground there was a good outcome for little man which is all that matters

Am not sure what the future holds as my daughter said to me she did have a relapse recently but then poured the vodka down the sink and won't touch it any more but tbh I am not 100% sure I believe her as the evidence of the 'relapse' was over the period of a month but we will have to see what the result of the hair strand test brings ( my concern is it does not show up moderate drinking and in her state of mind and with her alcoholism it is far best for her to completely give up drinking for life now if she wants my GS back as it could go wrong and downhill again at any time otherwise and we will have an even more messed up little man if it ever happens second time round which I SO want to avoid for him!! )

Anyway will just see how it goes but I know he will be more comfortable with once after school and once at the weekend and if they want to gather further evidence they will just have to do it themselves not drag a little boy with special needs into the middle of it

I do feel my daughter was a little reluctant to reduce it to twice a week but at this stage I feel it is a good enough amount although she was asking about us going on holiday together with little man and the officer said best not at this stage

I went to get my hair cut as a treat after to have a bit of me time after it all and it was wonderful and gave me a boost and the main thing I am happy about is we have our home life back and I will appreciate it for as long as it lasts as I don't know which way it is going to go , it could go either way but I am prepared to raise him for life if my daughter really is not fit for the job as she really has to be well to do so and I know I have my moments under all this stress but I get on with it all and deal with it ( and get lots of support to help me through ) and I feel she needs to reach out for help but still says she does not need it and she can do it on her own

I am soooooo proud of myself!

It was a big risk and either brave or stupid but I emailed my GS's SW and INSISTED contact was reduced to 3 days a week instead of 4 ( a very reasonable compromise considering the impact! ) I actually refused to take him to contact 4 times a week because of the impact it was having on his emotional health and therefore my stress levels as well and I told them all my reasons including me not wanting this placement to break down due to me myself having a break down as that is where it was heading ( I am only human not superwoman or super human and there is only so much stress I can take! )

So I just got a phone call from the SW saying it was agreed

Phew! .. 3 times a week is still a lot but just about manageable I feel as we have breathing space around it to recuperate and it takes the pressure off a bit having that breathing space ie spread out so it is Tuesday and Thursday after school then Saturdays as normal and I feel so great and relieved and happy as it can be managed now as I know for absolute sure Tuesdays , Wednesdays and Thursdays after school was not manageable for him and me as there is no time to recover from the fallout before the next one happens!!

I like the way no one was on board to help me out ( you guys supported me so thank you! ) but I mean BACK ME UP with the authorities ... I asked the school for help in backing me up re my concerns on my GS's emotional health and was told ''we will support him in the classroom'' ... and that's IT ( thanks a lot )

I asked my fostering SW for back up and she just rang me to say there was nothing she could do and it has to stay at 4 times per week , ok ... so told her actually I had just had a call from the other SW to say it HAD been changed to 3 times a week ( thanks to ME no one ** else! Not that I said that ) and she seemed shocked! lol

Never underestimate the FIGHTING power of LOVE

My daughter did not agree to it being 4 times a week due to the impact on her son but she did not fight for it to be reduced , she was just in agreement when actually legally she has more power than me!

I had reached out for some support on an Autism and Kinship care forum and was totally ignored lol no response or support whatsoever on either one

I was actually removed from one group because it was a guardianship group and am not his guardian yet even though that is what I am going for , so that didn't help either , so I took them on ALONE and fought for what is best for my GS and I and I won for us and am very proud of myself indeed considering what I was up against!!!

Your daughter's solicitor can't and won't advise you as she acts for your daughter. My concern is neither you, nor your grandson are legally represented. You can get an initial interview with a solicitor free of charge. That may lead to your solicitor asking the Court to make you a party to the proceedings. Cuts to legal aid in family matters are a disgrace but, it's not unknown for the Court to ask the local authority to pay legal costs of grandparents in your situation.
Yes, foster careers are expected to escort children to contact but no, not to check cupboards etc. That's the sw job.
Get legal advice from an experienced child care lawyer

And of course we do not get paid a wage for the privilege lol

Social services and I were working together prior to the legal planning meeting but it feels like I have to step tentatively now to work with them but still will do if possible rather than be at loggerheads!

I just want to know if contact 4 times a week is 'normal' in these cases as the SW said that is what they do when preparing for court!

Blimey , at least a regular foster carer would get paid to deal with all the fallout / to do the running around but they don't supervise contact do they or have to report anything / snoop around in the cupboards?

There is something really unfair in all this and right from the start they always seem to mess around with kin ie expect so much for so little and actually take advantage of the fact we are kin even though we do everything regular foster carers do and dare I say more!!!

Tell me do regular foster carers have to drive or get themselves to 8 miles away 4 times a week to supervise contact ( or whatever this is called now ) with birth parent , check cupboards etc? .... No I suspect not!

Iam64 they are calling it contact and I have to be seen to co-operate with contact no matter what

She is having a seperate parental assesment with a different lady but the SW already told me this is in case they can catch her out and provide the evidence for court , so it is like a pre court assessment 4 times a week I suppose - I don't know it caught me out of the blue but my understanding is it is definitely not upped contact to prepare for reunification but that is what they are wording it to my daughter as to what it is and wording it differently to me of course ( more like when / if she slips up they have evidence to use at court , that is if she slips up ) but they are conducting it like they are assessing her / preparing her to have my GS back as they discuss with her the things she will need to be able to do with him etc

My daughter has a solicitor and I have asked her if I can be party to the proceedings but she was reluctant to discuss it as she does not want me involved as to her this is the court case where she gets her son back not where I have anything to say about it but I cannot afford a solicitor and am pretty sure I would not get legal aid??

If they ask my GS his feelings in a few weeks / months time he may probably say he wants to go back to Mum as he is learning to trust her again , if they asked him last week it would have been different

But that is why I am angry because of course he is taking her on face value but it is all fakery and she is trying dirty tactics like finding fault with my care of him in front of the SW or finding out what I do with him routine wise etc etc then copying it and fobbing it off as her own way of dealing with him lol if it was not so sad it would be funny!

Ahh thank you boo2410

Anything to do with my GS and it affects my heart so much because I love him so dearly ..

My daughter isn't all that bothered that little man is in a distressed state every day , when I talked to her about it she said yes she agrees it should be 3 times a week but at my house 'to save me travelling' but she knows I do not want her at my house as that is little mans haven and safe place and all it would take is a heavy drinking session and she would be knocking on my door at 10pm demanding her son back as she still has parental responsibility and I am not having that , so her next call to the SW is going to be to try and use this current situation to manipulate contact being at my house when I feel that would distress little one even more so I will be ensuring with SS that that does not happen as currently she is not allowed to know where I live and that has caused friction between us but so be it

Tbh I am so angry with my daughter right now as it is all about deception , covering up , lying and manipulation which I know is the nature of addiction but I ruddy well hate it if she was being honest and asking for help etc I would not mind but this is one big show play with her as the main / central actress but everyone else has to dance to her tune as it feels like she is calling the shots tbh along with SS

A functioning alcoholic is still an alcoholic and even though she is holding down her part time job and presenting sober I know she is still drinking but so do SS but they just want to catch her out and gather evidence but why does my GS need to be dragged into it and why do I have to be the person who supervises and reports back with any info when they could do their own announced and unannounced visits and if she did not answer the door they could note it or opened the door but was under the influence they could note it but they probably think she would be more likely to open the door if her son was there / outside or was expecting a visit from him

The social worker asked me if there was any alcohol in my daughters cupboards when I made myself a cup of tea so I suppose I have to snoop in there now and play detective again ( we have been there before ) but now my role supposed to be looking after my Grandson but no it is gathering evidence for SS with my GS caught in the middle of it!!

The problem is he is in the middle of deception which is why I feel like I hate my daughter right now as deceive yourself if you want , try and deceive me and social services and the family but do not deceive your son!

nannymoo I've just read this thread. I'm sorry I'm not familiar with your other thread(s) but it sounds like you are doing marvelously with your GS. Wishing you all the very best. I'm now off to read your other threads. for you.

Children on the ASD have a greater need of routines than many other children. I don't see why he spends four evenings a week at contact. its important to make a distinction between contact and assessment sessions.
I know I'm repeating myself but you would be well advised to get legal advice from a solicitor whose name is on the Children Panel. Currently, neither your grandson, yourself or his mother are legally represented. That leaves the L.A as the only pArty in this family situation with legal advice. This must be a preproceedings assessment. If the LA go on to return your grandson to his mother, without issuing Care proceedings, it means a family judge hasn't carefully considered your grandsons future. His wishes and feelings and educational, physical and emotional needs should be scrutinised.

This 100% without a shadow of a doubt IS having an affect on my health and that is simply a fact and I am only a human being , not superwoman or a nodding dog in the back of a car who says yes to everything no matter what the IMPACT is on the placement!!

I am going to calmly as possible insist contact is changed to 3 times a week not 4 and I think 3 is too much but 'just about' doable and 4 is simply too much for both me and my GS

He just about settles down after he gets a day or two at home and then the disruption to his routine and emotions begins again

Three times a week means I can still breathe as I have been having some breathing problems due to the stress of it all and when I think of reducing it to 3 times a week I let out this sigh of relief and my breathing goes to normal again which shows me even my body thinks it's too much let alone my brain and psychological health

He has been having meltdown after meltdown and screaming more and being more aggressive and I AM NOT going to let this carry on as I want this placement to work and if my health suffers and ends up breaking down then the placement breaks down with it and that happens to LO then???

I can just about do 3 times a week but at east it is doable and it is so clear to me that 4 times a week is not

When the SW rang me to let me know about the change she said it was going to be 3 times a week and I felt that was a bit much but then at the meeting the manager dictated and it was dictated to us that it was and I mean WAS lol going to be set at 4 times a week but I am past caring about any techniques they use ( ie fear ) to make me to conform and I am going to be insisting , yes INSISTING lol that it is changed to 3 times a week and I feel I will have my daughters backing on this as she does love her son and is not even being selfish in this as as much as she wants to see him she does not want him to suffer nor me as his carer and her Mum to suffer either as she knows the whole placement will suffer then which is what I am going to put to them

Am I REFUSING to take him for contact 3 times a week , sorry but YES and if they really think that people are queuing up to adopt a 10 year old boy now with emotional problems , challenging behaviours which are worsening and special needs then let me see the queue!!!

I was told he would be snapped up but I have seen figures where the older the child the harder to place and with his Autism on top of it , well let's just say I do not see anyone in the queue even the rest of his family who propose to love him!!!

Anyway I will calm down once I know I can breathe and we can have some sort of HOME LIFE as we have none or very little atm and at least it would mean the majority of the days we can be at home so it will at least redress the balance a bit and it also gives my GS ( and me lol ) time to recoup and recover from whatever emotions are brought up by the visits ( as they do affect me too ) and if they want to catch my daughter out and obtain evidence on top of the 3 times a week then they can do their own announced or unannounced visits themselves!

I am angry but it is understandable and this anger is not good for my health either only because I feel like some sort of muppet , puppet , SKIVVY for them and I do not feel valued or an important part of this placement in any way shape or form right now

I wonder if other regular foster carers have to cope with the constant fall out of 4 weekly visits with birth parent but even if they do I am not willing to because of the affect it is having on my health and believe me I am NOT WEAK it is just too much emotional fall out to deal with in one week for me and my GS!

''After all I do'' people say well let them or even his Mum lol come and deal with his multiple meltdowns every day , constant high pitched screaming which actually hurts your ears , being attacked and having to re route him to other ways of getting his feelings out , refusing to get dressed , refusing to go to school ie ALL his behaviours have escalated and it was difficult as it was but 'doable' but I do not want it to get to the point where it's 'undoable' and too much for me and it is heading that way so I need to STOP it before it get's to that stage and at that stage we would have a very highly emotionally distressed little boy too and I do not want that for him

What are these increased behaviours showing??? There is a distressed little boy in the middle of it all and I can do things like come on here and get support and get things off my chest but what can he do especially as only partially verbal?

I just want to save this placement and my GS's future and I WILL do that sadly whether SS like it or not ( but it actually works in their favour too if this is a successful placement and I will put that to them ) xx

I am a factor in my GS's placement too but am not being treated as an important one!!! x