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Grandparenting

Long distance Grandparenting

(35 Posts)
Sixtylooming Fri 09-Mar-18 17:13:39

Our DD has just announced she is pregnant with their first child and our first Grandchild. We are of course thrilled for them, but they live in Australia. I am struggling that I feel very detached from the whole situation. We were out there a short while ago, and now won't be going again until after the baby is here. I won't see her pregnant or be around until after the baby is born. We will go out for a holiday after that, but essentially are going to see this child and any others once a year for a few weeks. I know we have `Facetime but it just isn't the same. I feel so very tearful about missing this, but my husband doesn't understand. Has anyone else felt like this? I know I just have to "suck it up" and get on with it, as they won't come back, and get used to a long distance form of being a Grandparent and be less involved in the day to day care. Any tips on how to cope with this?

Sadnana1 Sun 31-May-20 08:46:23

Hi I'm new to gransnet and good to read other peoples experiences. Feel.less alone as most if my friends have children and grand children livi g close by or at least in the same country and now planning to see them again. My daughter works for FCO so every 5 years she and my 3 grand children move to a different country. Niw ending posting in Singapore and planning ne t movevto Thailand this summer. My husband at 87 can no.longer make the long journey so once a year I travel to visit on my own. This summer we were due to spend a month together in Europe but of course that has been cancelled and given the uncertain future of international travel I dont know when I will see them again. Yes we try to keep in touch on skype etc but it's more bitter than sweet. It's so hard to feel involved in their lives as they grow up time that us forever lost I try to be philosophical and accepting at least in the outside but inside it hurts so much. As many if you gave said the fact that they are are flourishing is the most important thing and to be grateful for that. Any tips on coming to terms gratefully received! Thank.you

Jellybean345 Wed 13-May-20 18:13:20

I hope this has helped you Sixty Looming hearing my perspective my heart goes out to you.

Jellybean345 Wed 13-May-20 17:52:22

Just joined gransnet and I’m enjoying reading the posts there is so much support from you grans for each other especially during these difficult times.
I echo sentiments re having Grandchildren in Australia .Its a different type of grand parenting long distance but we cram it all in when we visit for a few weeks once a year which we are lucky to be able to do .Very precious quality time just have so much fun whilst we are there.All I want for My DD SIL and 2 DGC is for them to be happy busy and fulfil their dreams which my free spirit daughter and her family are doing .I would nt want anything else them for the world I did bring her into it in the first place!
But hey yes it hurts only seeing them once a year relying on face time regularly and not seeing them a few times a week like some of the lucky grans on here.Sometimes I do feel envious that my friends GC know them better than mine do me I have bouts of deep sadness at times .
It’s all part of being a long distance Mum and Grandma.
I have much to be thankful for good health and lovely family.
Stay safe .

DianaFrance Sat 09-May-20 12:11:53

I'm a newbie here, with a European family. Son lives in England with his Spanish wife and their daughter. She has one set of grandparents in Spain, us in France and an aunt, uncle and cousins in Portugal. It can be hard to find a mutually convenient time to visit each other! We have communicated by phone, Whatsapp, Messenger, email and Facebook over the last 12 years, but when Gdaughter became mobile and aware of TV screens we invested in Portals, and at 2.5 yrs she now interacts well with us on screen, we show each other new paintings, toys, DIY tools (she is destined to be an engineer, I think) and play games and sing songs together. So the fact that we are now self-isolating at our flat in London and they are doing the same at the South Coast has made little difference to us. We would have been in France by now, had spouse not had a heart attack while packing the car, but we will now remain in the UK until his treatment is stable and until the situation in both countries is less restrictive. I guess we are used to less physical contact owing to our circumstances, so are not a lot worse off owing to Covid-19, and nobody delivers groceries in our French village, so the UK is, in some ways, better. I dare say many grans-at-a-distance will think we are crackers living less than an hour from our family but not visiting them: diabetes at both addresses necessitates this and having lost my elder son to that alone a couple of years ago, I'm not prepared to risk his brother's life during this pandemic. We have to be stoical, for everyone's sake. We feel privileged to have a granddaughter, delighted that she is bilingual and knows we don't speak Spanish, thrilled to see her grow and develop, amused by Whatsapp videos of her games and exploration of the world. It is for her future that we remain isolated in our flat, and in a few months she will run to me as she did before this, arms wide apart, calling "Nana, Nana" as she leaps into the hug for which we will have waited so long.

Ros1e Sat 01-Feb-20 18:27:16

Hello just wondering if your new grandson has arrived. It’s great to hear that you’ll see him in the spring, though I can understand how hard the pain of missing is. I saw mine in October and they are all (5) coming to stay with us at Easter. I’ve started planning already with lots of chats on FaceTime about favourite food etc etc !
All the best to you

GagaJo Sun 29-Dec-19 10:48:07

I've lived with my daughter and grandson for all of his life (he's 20 months) but am moving away for work soon. It breaks my heart that I won't see him everyday anymore, but I don't really have a choice. I have to go where the work is.

I've very much been his 'other' key person (I won't say parent, because I don't take a parental role). I know it's going to be hard for him because I take a lot of the load off his mum and she will struggle without my help. It does worry me a lot, but I have no choice about the situation.

So double worries. For him , but also for me and how much I'm going to miss him.

Pelican Sun 29-Dec-19 10:42:15

Thanks Estherl. It does make you wonder what people hear when they listen to you and do they think before they say something. How did you manage when your d and gd were in Oz? Am aware that I need to continue and live life to full, though at times it feels there is always an undercurrent of something missing.
Am happy that s and his family are enjoying their new life, it is a fantastic opportunity for them all. Am fortunate that we have visited them already and will go next year, so I am more fortunate than some.

Esther1 Fri 27-Dec-19 23:17:36

You’re absolutely right Pelican - when you say people don’t understand. My dd and gd lived in Australia (thankfully now back in the U.K.) but people would say to me things like ‘I couldn’t bear not to see my gc every day’ - I would go home and weep at their insensitivity so I understand exactly how you feel.

Pelican Thu 26-Dec-19 17:08:14

My son and his family moved to USA in January. I have found it so difficult this Christmas. We have FaceTimed, making cookies, read stories, watched our granddaughters opening presents. It is the cuddles, silly games, and things which happen on the spur of the moment I miss. Just wondering does it get easier?
People just don’t seem to understand the loss, how many times have I heard “you will be able to have nice holidays’.

nanamissingkids4 Sat 23-Nov-19 03:31:34

I know these messages are 2018 but I just joined and reading them. I can relate so easy to you all. I live 1000 km from my two. One on the way Jan 2020. I saw them last April and for month in August. But I miss them so much esp around Christmas. I won’t be able to go in January for birth due to weather. So I won’t see my new grandson till spring. My heart is heavy and I miss my kids and grandkids everyday. It’s a void I find hard to fill

NannyB2604 Sat 31-Aug-19 19:15:17

Hello, just wondering how things are panning out for you. Our DS, DiL and DGD (now aged 5) live in South Korea. It's still taking me time to realise that though we do have a relationship, it's different from the one my and DH's siblings have with their DGC all of whom live within an hour's drive from their grandparents. I have to keep reminding myself that I'm fortunate in having a lovely DS, DiL and DGD when lots of my friends could never have children or grandchildren, though they would have really liked them. Not always easy to count my blessings, but I try.

Ros1e Thu 29-Aug-19 10:01:46

Hello - I would love to link up with any other grandparents who live in or around London and have family in Sydney
Look forward to hearing

smugglers13 Sat 03-Aug-19 17:22:08

Are there grandparents who live in Brighton or that area
whose grandchild lives in California. Would love to meet up.

Nonnie Wed 31-Jul-19 10:31:39

Sixty yes, its hard but you have no choice to get used to it and you will. My gc live in another country and speak both languages so I think of that as a blessing. I'm also lucky that their other Grandma and I get on very well so we share info about them. Despite not seeing that much of them face to face we are very close. At 18 months the older one learned to switch on the computer and shout 'Grandma'. Now the younger one picks up the phone and does the same.

Other video calling systems are available for those without iphones, Skype and WhattApp come to mind. We don't have set times to call as I think that puts too much pressure on busy parents and it means they always have time when they call. I leave it to them to call us.

Do you have other children in the UK? Are you retired and in a position to go and visit for a month or so?

worried I'm glad your DD is OK. I think the Japanese culture is for people to work hard and long hours so probably he would not think of himself as insensitive.

Ros1e Wed 31-Jul-19 09:58:54

I haven’t posted for ages and the last time I wrote about missing my son and family in Sydney. I also mentioned our joyous fun with puppets on FaceTime. The puppets are still on the scene and now have real identities. I visit Sydney whenever I can. Hoping to go sometime this Autumn. I have often wondered if anyone else visits Sydney and how it goes for you? Would love to hear!

Willow500 Mon 19-Mar-18 11:41:45

Worried no wonder you were frantic - what a sad and very frightening situation especially on the other side of the world. I'm glad the news is better now and your daughter has the support of her husband - hopefully he will stay at home until she is stronger. It's very difficult sitting around waiting for news. When my first grandson was born over there we were told she'd gone into labour and had a couple of texts as things progressed hours later but then he said they were taking her for a C-Section around 11pm UK time. I sat up most of the night waiting for news and was becoming frantic imagining all sorts of things going wrong. Thankfully my son eventually messaged to say the baby had arrived 2 hours earlier but they'd had a dreadful time - it's a wonder she went on and had the second baby 2 years later!

worriedasusual Mon 19-Mar-18 11:32:40

in my experience sons are less good at communicating than daughters , unless either it`s easy for them , or they want something ! they seem more willing to communicate using their mobile phones (Whatsapp) . i think they think about contacting their mother but don`t know what to say . Maybe they think i will rattle on and on in reply ( you can see why they might think that !) so i try my best not to . haha ! the beauty of whatsapp is they can take pictures and send them instantly - a picture of your offspring is so reassuring , you can read a lot in a face . What i miss is the cuddles. But i am trying to tell myself if i had not let my daughter do this going abroad thing she would have regretted it all her life . if that`s what she wants and it makes her happy then i am prepared to put up with it . .. at least i can talk to like minded women here !

worriedasusual Mon 19-Mar-18 11:24:59

And thank you so much for those of you who replied, I should have said so before but in my state of mind i forgot my manners...

worriedasusual Mon 19-Mar-18 11:24:08

oh dear I apologise for the errors !

worriedasusual Mon 19-Mar-18 11:20:55

After i posted the above , things got much worse for my daughter, she was rushed into hospital haemorhaging (sp?) because it was , as she feared, an ectopic pregnancy. I had an absolutely awful few days of worrying round the clock . I could hardly tell anyone about it because it was so upsetting . I was jumping whenever my mobile buzzed (whatever did we do before Whatsapp? - i recommend it to anyone if your signal is bad and you have Wifi ) -until eventually the news from her got gradually better . They had to pay for everything the hospital did for her ( we are so lucky with the Uk`s NHS even if it creaks at the seams ) and so they now have no savings , but my daughter survived HOORAY ! During the worst i was looking up miscarriages and ectopic pregnancy on the net, mostly UK sites and learned a lot . I remember my Mum being astonished at how much i knew about childbirth back in the 70s/80s because of the publication of books on the subject - there is even more information out there now , so it might be easy to get more worried than necessary , but i would prefer to know things. She sent pictures of them on the beach in the sunshine this morning , lovely to see when here we area freezing with yet more snow . And her husband is being very attentive and she is taking things gently -hshe had begun to get backache witting in bed all the time, plus she still had discomfort which is probably the gs they pumped into her abdomen when they did the keyhole surgery ( see : you learn something different everyday !) and the best thing to get rid of it is moving about . So she was sitting in the shade , but enjoying the warmth, dipping her toes very briefly in the sea ( the Caribbean ) just to say she has done it ! I am so glad her sense of humour has returned , that seems to me a good sign. I am still more or less tense with motherly anxiety , but i know that that`s because it takes me longer to get over things these days . So today i need to rejoice , and get out and do something distracting I think ! I can breathe again ! phew ! So sorry this has been such a long post , will be shorter next time !

hespian Fri 16-Mar-18 07:32:14

I’m afraid I’m also in the long distance grandparent club. I totally understand all the sentiments expressed here. It is really hard as I miss my family (including a son, daughter and three beautiful grandchildren) who live in Australia every single day. We do try to visit each year but it takes all of our annual holiday budget and more. Our other plans for our retirement have all been shelved and we know we will only be able to do it for another few years. We try to use FaceTime but it can be frustrating because of signal problems. Just don’t tell me ‘it’s a small world”. It is MUCH too big.

Chinesecrested Fri 16-Mar-18 00:09:29

I know this sounds a bit drastic but is there any possibility of you moving out there to be with them? I have friends out there - £10 Poms - and they said our age wouldn't be a problem so long as we could support ourselves (with pensions and house to sell, it shouldn't be a problem!) Alternatively maybe rent your UK house out and rent out there for six months at a time? I do sympathise. I see my gc two or three times a week and it's physically painful if I can't for some reason. Good luck

Tynsall Thu 15-Mar-18 23:34:35

I totally understand how you feel and am in exactly the same position. I have two sons one lives in Sandiego without children and the oldest is in Canada who has two young children an 18 month old (I have seen him twice for two weeks each time and his sister who was born 2 months ago. I haven’t visited her & held her yet). I feel very sad as I won’t see them now until September.
It’s very painful & certainly Skype helps but not very satisfactory. My son is not the best at communicating dil a little better. Her mother sees them every few weeks and yes I am very envious.
There isn’t any satisfactory answer just try & have a full life :with my husband & look forward to visits. As yet they haven’t been to England

silverlining48 Thu 15-Mar-18 14:37:49

Hello worried
Sounds like you are hVing a very hard day and naturally. Very worried about your daughter so far away in hospital. I have similar experience with my dd so do understand.
Try and wait a while when you will probably get more news, or is there any way you can go over there, it’s expensive I know but sometimes needs must.

worriedasusual Thu 15-Mar-18 14:02:33

this is my first time on here and basically i am having yet another panic , frustrated because it`s difficult when i want to lend support to daughter round the other side of the globe when she is having problems, and as usual is in a country where she doesn`t have enough support . she married a Japanese chap , has made her home in Japan , and basically he works in Mexico- goes home at long intervals . She flew out with 3 yr old for a visit and has been having an agonising miscarriage over the last week or more - today i had short texts saying she is in hospital - the pregnancy was ectopic , she`s had keyhole surgery yesterday i think (her texts were short - i get the impression she`s very unhappy and tired- of course . They`re saying she can go home- but i am worried her husband (who seems generally a good bloke but is either a workaholic or useless at seeing when a woman is unwell and need help ) will expect her to get straight back on with motherly and housewifely duties. she is absolutely devoted to her little boy so i am terrified she will go home and get herself into a worse state of health because she has never had even a night away from him since he was born due to her circumstances with long distance husband. it`s so hard to just get on with ordinary things until i hear some more. i know she is very unwell as her messages are usually longer . we are out in a village in warwickshire where the signal can be pretty useless for skype most of the time. Any of you thinking to relocate to the countryside that`s something to seriously consider if you have children living abroad. And of course before that i was worried about the Zica bug out there