outings

Newmom, that lunch would be a snack for my 2 1/2 year old grandchild. Three meals a day and snacks mid morning and mid afternoon to make up for all the racing around that goes on.

I think it something which can vary a lot between children, my 3 year old nephew would struggle to eat all of that. A couple of breadsticks and a bit of dairylea cheese to dip them in is a big enough snack for him. Also some children need snacks and some don't. Suggestions that the children are being malnourished and social services need to be told are a little extreme. If social services are already involved then presumably they would have spotted if the children were looking underweight and underfed.

It sounds like there's a whole host of problems in the family. The OP has as issue with her DD, with her DDs relationship with her MIL, the DD has relatively recently lost her husband, social services are involved (although not stated what for), it's quite a complicated situation. One that most likely cannot be worked out on here. The social worker obviously agrees there's an issue between OP and her DD though, if she's sending them for counselling, that's probably the best course of action. It seems far too complicated to work out with only a tiny piece of the picture.

Social services are involved because of the children's growth, as well as another problem.
So, again, I would not be party to what I consider underfeeding.

I agree Newmom101 this family seems to be struggling in so many ways I think professional support is needed. GN is only hearing a little of the problems.

Even if the children are underfed, that problem will not be solved by an undermining grandmother constantly trying to slip them treats.

My 5 year old has been underweight from birth. He probably always will be, if my FIL is anything to go by. Filling him up with sugar and icecream solves nothing at all. I give him nuts, and cheese and fruit for snacks. Many days he eats more than I do, and he still doesn't gain weight.

It's not a relative's place to go against all the parenting decisions. If OP thinks the kids don't get enough food, she can try to speak to her daughter, but she has no business teaching the children to lie to their mother. That is not only unkind and wrong,it's incredibly dangerous.

If I was OP's daughter, and I found out about the deceit and lying, OP would never be alone with my kids again.

I would go against anybody who wasn't ensuring their child was nourished.
Neither would I make a secret of it.
Its rather a shame people didn't do that in cases where nobody intervened, and children died as a result.
You may as well say nobody should intervene if a parent is beating their child.

I agree MissA
There are horrific stories in the msm about children being starved but neighbours, teachers etc didn't like to report the parent/s.

Or, if they did, social workers were taken in by the parent/s.

If the children are poorly nourished I can’t see that feeding them cheesy puffs, ice cream, cookies and jelly sweets is going to help!

I’m not sure the OP has any better idea of nutrition than her daughter.

I’m afraid to me it sounds more like Lovely Nanny gives you treats that Horrid Mummy doesn’t.

I’d be more convinced if she was slipping them sandwiches, and fish instead of cheesy chips.

The thing that concerns me reading this thread is that there is existing social work involvement with the family, relating to home concerns and the children’s health.

For social work to already have been alerted and to be actively working with the family, it must have become obvious to people around DD and the kids (school? GP? neighbours?) that DD is really struggling with her bereavement and to meet the kids’ needs.

Social work and other agencies can’t effectively help DD and the kids if they don’t know everything that is going on.

Lack of adequate nutrition is a frequent cause of non-organic failure to thrive. It’s not clear from OP’s posts (indeed she may not know herself) what investigations are being done into this, including possibly medical ones. The OP’s observations that the children’s access to food is routinely restricted is completely relevant to social work’s existing concerns.

It’s completely reasonable for OP to pass on her concerns to the workers in a low key way. The welfare of the kids has to be the paramount consideration here.

If the children are poorly nourished I can’t see that feeding them cheesy puffs, ice cream, cookies and jelly sweets is going to help
Probably not, I suggested ice cream as a treat after a nourishing and healthy lunch.

The welfare of the kids has to be the paramount consideration here.
It does.

I think there are two issues here.

1. The underfeeding. Really, that needs to be passed along to the social worker.

2. The sneaking behind Mum's back and encouraging the kids to lie to their Mum. That's NOT okay. Even if OP is trying to ensure they get fed, it's NOT okay to teach kids to have secrets from their parents. This is setting the kids up for potential abuse and it's also undermining the relationship between the kids and their Mum.

If OP is truly concerned about their welfare, the appropriate way to deal with that is to report to the social worker, not try and sneak the kids food behind Mum's back and encourage them to lie to her about it.

hello everyone. i want to thank every one for their advice ,whether good or bad. all was helpful. social worker meeting has taken place. and we are working on getting the home cleared in 4 months. not put in a skip but being stored in boxes so my d can go through the boxes at her leisure.. the gc growth has been put on 2nd agenda.i have discovered that when they go to other relatives they eat normal food.so why she targets me when i give them extras is a mystery. but hopefully this will be talked about in due course.i dropped boxes off at my daughters last thuersday and dinner was being done. to my dismay it was a bowl of rice. and for dessert gs got 12 red currants and gd had a banana.i asked gs was he still hungary and he said yes ,d said he can eat the rest of his rice..i told her thats not enough food. she said they had mcd at lunch time ,(bought by my sister and partner) but when i suggested to give mygs more ,was told they my children not yours. told her its not enough food. she said tough luck. gs asked for milk and this was denied too.. seems d is directing her anger at me thru grieving.i wont fight back thats not my way.even if i did at i have tried ,it just makes me really upset.so i have agreed with social worker for counselling with my d.not sure what else i can do as she refuses to let me help her.

Moggie, I think you're making progress in some areas but missing the boat in others.

It's not on for you to criticize what your daughter feeds her children. As I've said before, if there is a concern, you need to alert the social worker. Otherwise you're undermining your daughter in front of her children.

Yes, nutrition is a problem. I get that. But the thing is, by your actions, you're telling her children that Mum doesn't really have their best interests at heart and that Grandma knows better than Mum.

Frankly, if I were your daughter, I'd be sending you a stern message saying "Do not criticize my parenting or you will not be allowed around my children".

I have been dipping in and out of this post. With regard to food, my DGS age 6 would be quite happy with that lunch, in fact he would really enjoy it. You do not know what they have for dinner in the evening so a small healthy luch could be fine.
We have friends who force their child to eat 3 meals a day, almost adult portions at set times every day. Her mother feeds her and actually holds her mouth closed until she swallows the food. She is not fat but I do wonder about the long term effects of eating such a lot everyday. She also gets a lot of snacks too. I know it is a cultural thing with them but find it makes me angry.
No do not tell me to get the SS involved I know them you do not. They get very upset at the birdlike portions DGS eats but he is healthy and his Peadiatrician is very happy with him, also his yearly school medical is good.
Many women equate food with love, look at the obesity crisis in Italy to see that.
We are only getting one side of the story, I take DGS out all the time, he will be with me this weekend (Brussels Beer Festival, DD and SIL organisers of it) We have made no plans, but if we go out I will text DD first then when we get wherever we go.
Thats just manners if nothing else.

Maybe she knows something about your brother that you dont. Who knows. Whatever her reasons, she had het reasons!

And she has parental responsibility not you!

Hopefully you have won yourself enough joy from getting one over on your daughter this time to tide you over in the future when they give you a wide berth due to your deliberate undermining of your daughter and lack of trustworthiness.

Surely someone with childcare qualifications knows that parental responsibility still applies when the children are in someone elses care, and trusting someone to mind them is not the same thing as handing over PR to that person. Parents wishes still need to be followed, even if the child was in foster care!

But has the social worker been told about the food issue?

Because from your post, it is still going on. Was this brought up by you at the meeting or subsequently, eg in a phone call?

That is unacceptable felice - that poor child will probably develop food issues.
I've noticed that children's appetites tend to fluctuate as they have growth spurts then slow down again - but they should always be offered adequate food and not restricted as the grandchildren of the OP seem to be.

Moggie, if SS have put the children's lack of growth on the '2nd agenda' compared to the hoarding, I am assuming the hoarding must be really extreme then? Or do they not care that the children are being made to go hungry every day by the sound of it? My mum used to keep us short of food because she was too lazy to cook or shop and if it had not been for the old fashioned stodgy school dinners, I'm not sure my siblings and I would have reached our full growth potential either, that's partly why I am so worried about your DGC - it's really horrible to go to bed hungry.

I couldn't and wouldn't be complicit in letting children go hungry.
Some of you Nans must be browbeaten by your adult children.
Common sense must prevail.

MissAdventure

If the OP (or anyone) is concerned about the children's nutrition, then Social Services needs to be made aware. That's not something you comment about to your AC in front of the young children. That sends the message that "Grandma thinks Mum is a crap Mum" and "Grandma knows best". The OP has already implied that she's feeding the GC behind the mother's back and encouraging them not to tell their Mum. In other words, she's undermining Mum and potentially damaging the relationship between Mum and the kids. That's NOT acceptable.

Neither is letting children go hungry.
I would never have had a problem in discussing things with my daughter, and I certainly wouldn't tread on eggshells. (Even though I sometimes got told to mind my own business)

It does sound as if Moggie’s DD has been through a hard time. She’s been battered and is understandably over protective of her DC at present. Perhaps the hoarding,controlling and strict diet is a symptom of her efforts to regain contol of her emotions. Is DD eating enough herself?

If she took the children to the beach herself it could be that it’s not going to the beach that’s the problem but its that particular beach where she knows her uncle lives. If there were issues with her deceased DH, she have problems with her DC seeing men?

May have problems.