At A Loss

Block her number. You could sen some more message saying that you have repeatedly told her not to tell you any of this. That as your son is an adult it is no longer your job to micro manage his behaviour and that any issues she has with him need to be addressed with him directly.

You shouldn’t be dealing with this. What ever he has done is not your doing and you are not responsible for his actions.

Are you reliant on her to maintain contact with your grandchildren?

Say exactly that to her . You accept he has not been the best husband but he is your son and you do not need others to tell you what a fool he is. You already know!

If you want to see your gc, I wouldn't block her just yet!

Perhaps you could only answer every 3rd or 4th call, assuming you have caller id?
Then ask if there is anything you can do to help her (presuming you can of course)
Then learn to repeat the passage you wrote above, verbatim.
Encourage her to go to counselling, saying you cant give her any answers.
If she interrupts or over talks say you must go because.....anyreason you like.

If she doesn't get control of herself, and keeps this behaviour up, answer less and less calls.

Don't let her wind you up until your so stressed you say something that makes her angry or upset with YOU.

How do you think your gc are coping?

I'm sorry your all going through this, its a sad time for everyone.

If I don’t maintain contact with her she will completely cut me off from them. She has cut me off before because of a disagreement. She is a very vindictive person and honestly I don’t know how my son has lived with her this long... BUT...he made that choice and I have minded my own business. Funny thing is he never puts me in his business. He don’t even ask my opinion when it comes to their marital disputes . She is constantly trying to pull me and several more family members into their marriage

What a sad and worrying situation for you.

However, it must be very upsetting to receive messages from your DIL slating your son, even if you know he caused some problems.

Just repeat that you really do appreciate your son isn't blameless, but you cannot take sides or become any more involved. It is for them to sort out.

However, it might be worth mentioning that you'll help out with the GC if needed (if you are able to of course.) I wouldn't want to alienate her if you'd had a good relationship before.

I do hope the children aren't used as pawns in their falling out. It's always a worry. I hope the marriage can be saved, but do remain neutral and step away if you possibly can.

My granddaughter has already asked to live with me..... how do you explain to an 11 year old that there aren’t any Grandparents Rights..... my hands are tied

Thx to all of you for your input.... very wise advice

Apologies. I wrote my reply above before I read your last post. It doesn't sound as if your DIL is playing fair at all.

I'd still try to stay out of it though. I do hope she realises the children need stability and time spent with a loving grandmother would be good for them at a difficult time. (Unfortunately, it doesn't sound as though she thinks along those lines from what you've written. How sad. )

Well if you accept he’s mostly in the wrong perhaps you just just have to accept he deserves criticism from his wife who is probably hurting dreadfully. Go ahead and block her and maybe lose you dgc or meet up with her and see what you can do to help practically. Tell her you don’t like how he’s behaved but that he is still your son so can she perhaps accept its hard for you to hear constant criticism from her. Of course without knowing more it’s hard to advise - has she got family/friends for support? How old are the children? What was your relationship like before? Just try and put yourself in her shoes for a minute and the dgc and stop making it all about you

I’m not making it all about me at all. My top priority is my grandchildren. I just pray she will make them her top priority as well and stop being do selfish and vindictive.

It’s not good for children to hear one of their parents being “run through the ringer “ and I know her well enough that they are hearing the conversations she is having with me and the rest of the family.

She and my son both need to grow up

GrandmaFaye, When you say she will cut you off, would she do that if you just didn't answer the phone to her so often?
Its so hard treading on eggshells trying to forestall a fallout.
Your son is still at his home is he, so she really has no reason to speak to you I suppose?
I cant think of anything useful other than to be incommunicado for as much time as possible to avoid her calls.
Can you and the other relatives she speaks to ( I assume she's saying similar things to them?) agree to have the same mantra so she hears the same message from all of you each time?
I instinctively feel that if you enter into any kind of conversation which either defends your son or gives in to her pressure to use you as a vent for her spleen, you will end up in even more trouble.

Do you have a mobile/cell phone? For some peace could you 'loose' it?
Not a very good suggestion I know, but I'm scrabbling around trying to think of ways to help, that wont pull the whole situation down on you!

I keep going back to thinking that standing behind your initial statement of its not your marriage, full stop, is the way to play it. Said over and over if necessary.

Sorry maybe others will have more intelligent or insightful suggestions.

Namsnanny thank you so much for your input. Yes, my son is still at home.

I am afraid if I don’t answer her calls she will cut me off from my grandkids so I can’t loose my phone ?
I don’t defend my son other than telling her that just because someone wants out of a marriage doesn’t mean they want to cut ties with their children.

I learned fast she did not want to hear that either. It’s really hard to try and talk with her but I have to make an effort for my grandkids

The other family members tell me they are telling her the same thing ..... they don’t want to get involved with their marital issues.

This is rough for you I think for the sake of your grandkids you have to just let her vent or else you could end up not seeing them I personally don’t think not answering your phone is the answer that will make her more mad answer it but try your hardest to let her venting go over your head I expect it’s just repeating all the same stuff you ve already heard so just do yes and no’s
Is you son going down the legal route so he gets 50/50 time with the grandkids and then as he’s at your home you d have them staying with you as you and they want

I think at 11 your grandchild is old enough to explain how authorities work and how you would have them full time if it was allowed but that you are trying to work things out to please everybody The fact they want to live with you shows they are not happy with their mum
Oh isn’t it all a mess Good luck GrandmaFaye

Thank you so much Bluebelle for your response. You are correct in your statement that it’s the same conversation.
Repeatedly from her . I think that is one reason it is so nerve wrecking. She just goes on and on......I have thoughtvant just laying the phone down and going on about my business when she is on a rampage.

Toy knowledge my son has not sought legal counsel as of yet. He should.

Thank you

Sorry for the misspellings. I should have previewed before posting.

I think you have to cut your DiL some slack. If my son was to blame then I’d be telling him that and supporting the innocent party, not blocking her. Good heavens what are some people thinking?

Indeed I’d arrange a meet up with this poor woman, mother of your grandchildren, and have a chat and offer sympathy and support. You just have to listen and let her get it off her chest and help her move forward.

I agree with Bluebelle that you shouldn’t block your DIL and that you should take her calls.
It’s a horrible situation, but it would be even worse if she had cut off contact with you, and refused to let your DGC have contact with you too, wouldn’t it?
I would suggest firstly acknowledge your DS’s shortcomings.
Then ask what your DiL actually wants - from you, your son and the rest of the family that she calls.
If it seems appropriate, offer to have your DGD to stay for a short, limited time, to give DiL some respite.
It’s called killing with kindness.
Good luck, grandmafaye

Crossed posts anja totally agree with you.

??

Does your dil have anybody else to talk to? Close friends or family where she can get things off her chest? If not, maybe point her in the direction is some counselling? I fully appreciate your desire not to get involved, but perhaps consider things from your dil’s point of view before being so hard on her. She’s now a single mum. Her marriage has ended following the actions of her husband. She’s probably devastated and scared, facing an uncertain future. I was a single mum with a lot of family support (ex was involved, my parents were very happy to help out with ds etc) but I used to lose sleep over the fact that, at the end of the day it was just me and him. Now imagine that your her gd, who asked to live with you, has said the same her. How sad would you have been if one of your own children had expressed a desire not to be with you?

Perhaps you could acknowledge your son’s shortcomings without criticising him, the same way you have in this thread? Something along the lines of ‘I know ds has behaved poorly and hurt you, and I’m sorry you’re in pain. But I’m still his mum, and while I’m happy to help support you and the children, I really can’t be the person you vent to about him”.

I hope you all find some peace and a way forward soon!

It really isn't fair of your DIL to keep critcising your DS, but it doesn't sound as if she is going to stop in the near future. So what can you do? You could try the "mirroring" strategy. So you repeat some of what she says but as a question. She's telling you what a lazy b*****he is and how he never helped in the house. You restate what she has said but as a question "You say he never helped around the house?" She is getting feedback but not quite what she wants.
Your DS needs to consult a solicitor and they both need to go to mediation. I believe you can go to see the mediator as well. They will probably speak to the 11 year old and take her wishes into account as well.
Good luck. Try to stay neutral it isn't easy and don't offer any advice to your DIL she won't like. They have a habit of cutting out people who say things they don't want to hear.

I re-read the OP.

He threw her and the kids out of the family home?? Is that right??

I agree with Jane kill her with kindness. I disagree with those who suggest you advise counselling, I wouldn't give her any advice about anything as that may come back on you. If she pushes you for an opinion on anything and you feel you must respond do it kindly and say something like 'that is what I would do but you have to make your own decision.' I would listen endlessly and let her get it off her chest but remain neutral. If she is angry it will do her good to vent to you without any kind of judgement.

Give you GC lots of love and understanding but don't take sides with either parent. At 11 puberty is coming and hormones can cause upset so just make sure she knows you are always there for her but that you are a grandparent not a parent. Let her vent too if she wants to.