The Grandma that never was

@Moomintwo so sorry for your loss of your DD. So many people have already said what I would have said, to work on your relationship with your daughter and to be less full on and tempt GS with interesting objects. Would he enjoy bubbles? Often small children are easily distracted and he may forget to be shy if something interests him enough.

Foxyloxy

I'd strongly discourage putting the other AC in the middle of the conflict. I've been in a similar position. It's not a good place to be.

For now, OP needs to accept what she is getting and be patient. Alone time is a privilege, not a right.

Moomintwo, this is such a sad scenario. I have three grand daughters, except for my eldest who is totally charismatic and has never met a stranger, the other two definitely displayed shyness at two years old. I would ignore them totally, and found they came round much quicker than if I tried to make contact. As others have said, your daughter and may be her husband, have decided for their own peace of mind not to allow you access on your own with your grand son. Is she close to her siblings, would any of them find out why she has this attitude, can they gleam any information, so you can work with her about her feelings. Like others have said, spend time with her and your grandson, but concentrate on giving her attention, and see how the situation resolves over a year.

How very sad that you lost your little one in this way and the repercussions for your family, however I would add that neither my DD or DDIL would ever have left their children with anyone for more than an hour or so at that age. My eldest DGS was 3 1/2 when his brother was born and as we lived over an hour away I went over one day per week during the last few weeks of her pregnancy to take the little one out for the day to give her some much needed rest. By the third week he howled when I turned up as he knew I was going to take him away from his Mum and really didn't like me for a while. All 4 of my DGC, 11,9,7,5 - are now very happy to have sleep overs, days out etc Maybe just give them both time and don't force anything, I hope you get to enjoy a wonderful relationship with him.

Moomintwo, I'm so deeply sorry about the loss of your dd. It must have been a very traumatic time for you and your family. And to have your husband run out on you afterwards - wow! Clearly, you've done a great job raising the remaining kids on your own, based on what you've told us.

I'm sorry, too, that you're disappointed in your gp experience so far. Like others, though, I think this is more about dd's concerns about her child than it is about her view of you. I don't think it's that she doesn't trust you , just that she's not ready to let her child out of her sight. Whether it's because of the loss of her sister or she's just a very protective mum, idk. But, imo, it doesn't really matter. Please try to respect how she feels and stop trying to get to spend time with gs alone. If she sees you respect her feelings,, she may loosen up in time.

But even if not, at least, you can have a lot of fun times together, the three of you (or 4 if you can include the dad sometimes). Then you can focus on the good times you do have instead of on what you're not getting. And you will still probably have gs alone "by default," now and then, so there's that. Again, I don't think it's due to lack of trust that she doesn't leave him with you otherwise, so please just treasure those special moments and don't look for deeper meanings (I know it's hard not to).

My daughter was like that with the little ones untill the eldest was about four. Till then she didn't trust anyone to drive her anywhere or have her overnight. I didn't push it as I could understand that anxiety. She was even less trusting of her poor mother in law!
Nowadays all the children come to stay. I hope time takes care of your daughter's anxiety too.
Try to be quite casual towards your GS as he might be picking up your feelings of sadness. Let him come to you.

Hello Moomintwo, I am relatively new to Gransnet and may be writing this too long after the thread started but I have just read all the posts and I want to say that it has stunned me by giving me some answers to a question I didn’t know how to ask.
Before anything else I want to send you my most sincere sympathy and good wishes. My life and circumstances have almost mirrored yours and forty seven years after the death of my child I am facing the same awful difficulties in my relationship with the child who was closest in age to the one who died.
I was very close to running out of patience with the situation but couldn’t see any way forward. Fortunately for most people there didn’t seem anyone to speak to who could really begin to understand the lifelong effects of such a loss. The compassion and wisdom of most of the replies to you have given me a glimpse of a possible way forward and I am deeply grateful.
I still expect the road to be hard as it will be for you too but I hope and pray we will both benefit from your courage in seeking help. God bless x

Thank you you to everyone who took the time and trouble to post it's all been very helpful and gives me different perspectives. There is no training for being a grandparent and it's only by asking advice from others that we can learn. Thank you

It does sound as though the birth of her son has stirred up feelings that she probably didn't even know she had. Coping so well at the time may have hidden worries that have been dormant till now. I think your best hope is that things will eventually settle down, particularly as he gets older and goes to school. After all at the moment he's the same age as your daughter who died. It must rouse a lot of memories. Time and not pushing things are your best hope.

Oh Moomim what a trerrible thing to happened and so tragic You all did so well to continue and successfully bring up the other children
My only advice would be to try not to dwell on your daughters need to keep her little one safe and include BOTH daughter and grandson in any activities you would like to do and also don’t try too hard don’t overload her

The last sentence in your opening post worries me do not ever shut the door on a child, no matter what
I hope you get some peace

do you know i have never had my grandchildren over night or for a weekend. yes i have them all day sometimes.when asked why .she says thats just how it is.yet she goes to mother in laws home and they stay overnights. but its being protective of her children and quite right too. just feel blessed that you do see your grandchild ,dont make a bee line for him when you arrive, . maybe do some gardening or read a childs book on the sofa and encourage him to join you.take it slowly ..my grandaughter was really clingy when she was 2-3 yrs.but she slowly came to seeing me take her brother up my home for the day and after a year she finally came too.

Just to add - the daughter's reluctance to allow her child out of her sight might be nothing at all to do with the terrible tragedy that happened. She might, like my daughter, just be a neurotic mother! Actually, that's a bit unfair of me, being an exaggeration, but that's how it seemed to me at the time. All is well now - only five minutes ago she asked if we could pick the kiddies up from school TWO DAYS ON THE TROT - a first for us!!!

Moomin, stay calm, and you will get your well-deserved reward in time.

To the lady who implied it was "all about you", well of course it is. That is what this forum is for - supporting folks who are upset or worried about something. The OP isn't asking about help for her daughter but for herself. Saying "Can you not see that your daughter......." could be worded much more sympathetically as "Perhaps consider that your daughter......". There are ways of advising people other than accusing them of doing it wrongly. Please don't let this forum go the way of Mumsnet.

Best to continue to be a nice, caring and loving mother/grandmother, rather than trying to have your grandson all to yourself. Everybody reacts differently to death. When my 3 yr old daughter died unexpectedly in 1979, I was quite happy to talk about her. But my husband wouldn't allow me to mention her name ever again. Your daughter might be worried incase something happens when she isn't around. I wouldn't want anybody else to look after my children, and I expect your daughter feels the same.

I am so so sorry. That is such a tragedy.

Oh my goodness, poor you and poor little lamb, a complete accident and no-one to blame. I just can't imagine what you've been through. Just sorry I have no advice to offer, but to stay strong and hope that things will get better.

Hi bluebelle. No one was involved in my daughter.s death. She climbed a set of drawers in her bedroom early one morning when we were all asleep they fell and killed her instantly. Her twin was asleep in the same room and slept through the accident. She was 21 months old. My eight year old daughter found her and raised the alarm. This was not the daughter who has my grandson.

Why are you so fixated on having him alone? Cant you just work on enjoying him with your daughter there.

And your loss is also your daufhters loss. Its her sibling. Honestly you speak as if it is your bereavement alone. Can you not understand how having a sibling die in an accident can make your daughter reluctant to be uneccesarily separate from her child? You seem to assume its all about you and take everything personally (such as your GCs shyness) which wont endear you to your DD or your GC

I am so sorry for all of your loss.
When suggesting activities circus etc are you inviting your DD or just wanting the GS?
It may help to involve her as much as possible so that you first have a great bond with him.

Not sure how your post is helping jenkins

So sorry you are not enjoying the relationship you hoped for with your DGS.
I would advise you just keep going on as you have been.. seeing when you can, being happy and playful. And accept the pace at which your DD wants to take things, it is her son.

Maybe keeping a supply of small 'pocket money' toys ( e.g small car, figures etc.. nothing major!) so you can get a new one out when you do see him. He may be curious enough to overcome his shyness and come to play withSit if you put it near you.. Don't talk to him when you first see him, talk to the adults and just smile at him. Sometimes over enthusiastic adults put kids off.

I don't have any advice but just want to say I feel so sad for you and hope one day the situation with your grandchild improves xx

Dear moomintwo,
for the start ..why that..is it the Moonintrolls..
for two ..you say you had six children ..one now in heaven

now..am I right that this is your only Grandchild

so the other children don't have children.the other 4

so why is that..

Moomin (I hope you come back soon to read the replies), you have coped superbly with bringing up your children and the devastating loss of one. Never let anyone take that away from you, whatever their reasons are, cos bringing up children is hard enough for two parents and no traumatic events.

I haven't had half your experience, but my daughter also made a "degree course" out of motherhood and I often had to bite my tongue and not do the things I hoped I could do with the children. I didn't push it even though I knew that the other grandparents were allowed to have the children even though they broke all her rules. I accepted that the kiddies would be hesitant with us when we saw them, and bit by bit it has improved. My daughter has matured, has become less insistent (cos the degree didn't actually make her the Perfect Mother after all) and the children have lost most of that early uncertainty with us. We still don't see them as much as we'd like, but have had some lovely interactions with them. We live 30 miles apart and have found a lovely park about half-way and it has become a place for us all to meet on the odd weekend and in the holidays and is now special to us - and the kiddies. I've become the Gran who plays music and sings with them, while the other Nan helps with crafts. So I have my role and we all get along. The youngest (4) is still a mummy's girl and won't hold my hand or give kisses but that's the way it is for now.

Hold tight to your success - and heed some of the wise words from others - and let things change as time goes on. Okay, you have missed out on the very early years but you don't want to miss out on the rest of their childhood. Let your daughter come to realise in her own time what a great parent you were (and still are), and accept her worries for the time being.

Good luck xxx

I also agreed with newmom101’s post and it covered a lot of my thoughts.

“I don’t know where my little pal has gone.......”
When your daughter died, it sounds as if this daughter felt she needed to support you and you saw her as your pal when she was your daughter. So maybe she was never able to deal with her sisters death as a 10 year old even with the help you arranged. She seemed to be taking on the role your ex husband should have done. It must have been a very devastating time for all the family.

Your grandsons behaviour sounds normal for a child who is not yet 2.

You have plenty of time to take him to the circus and to see Santa but it should be a family outing not just with you. This is for everyone to enjoy, Also would you have sent your under 2 year old child to such a strange thing as the circus to sit for ? how many hours with someone the child behaved shyly with.

You as a mother helped your children to achieve a lot but you are now the grandmother and the parents must now do what they think is best for their child who is the light of their lives.

I am sure your future will include many grandchildren for you to enjoy but at the moment I think you will have to take a step back.

You must have been an amazing Mother to cope so well with great results.I have a daughter who had two miscarriages and now has a lovely daughter,now eight who she has struggled to leave anywhere without her-----I just always arranged for us all to do things together,movies,coffee,lunch etc.it's her not you,good luck.