Trapped in an impossible situation...

Agree completely with tickingbird - the situation is hard enough without this kind of response - in wondering whether there are children’s charities that might help maybe by allocating a a Saturday visitor who can come and take the children out to the park of play games with them for a couple of hours to provide a little respite for you - you are providing the stability for these young children and it seems they need you every weekend - they would really miss the contact - so far you have kept them together as a unit - that is unlikely to continue if they are thrown back on mum’s resources so why not ask social services for help for yourselves to continue to look after them over the weekends ?

I have two friends who both foster children. Both currently have two children from the same family. One friend has fostered the two brothers (5 and 7) now for over a year. They have provided great stability for the boys, who have changed a lot and now able to mix well with their peers at school. My other friend fosters a brother and sister (twins) and again they are really benefitting from being with such a caring family. Please don't think it's a risk with Social Services. You need to think of yourselves too.

You say the children “have been under Child Protection” so I presume they are still under the category “Children in Need” where Social Care (was previously known as Social Services) will still have some input although probably limited. The last place children are looked after is with a foster carer, the Children Act is very clear that children should be placed within the family unless that’s not in their best interests. And where possible children should be kept together. In my area NSPCC are actively involved with families so it could be the case in your area. Not all branches write an Email to Social Care and expect them to deal with it. Obviously SC are closely involved but NSPCC do the work. I would speak to the family’s key worker and explain exactly how you feel. You may be surprised and they could offer help.

Oh this is familiar. I had a similar situation but with only one of my grandchildren, a boy whose parents separated when he was 4 and he lived with me until he was 11, I was still working. It was hard but I felt that I "held" him until at least one of his parents (my DIL) was able to offer him a home. She was never really a "parent" and often went abroad (for work) leaving him alone, but I lived close and would have stepped in for emergencies, thankfully there were none. He brought himself up virtually. He is now 17. Independent. Delightful. A "normal" teenager. Doing A levels and heading for university. I rarely see him now but felt I did the right thing. He refuses to see his father (my son) but I know he is fond of me and hope he would come to me if he needed support. Its exhausting but essential. My advice is to hang on in there. It is so worthwhile.

Movingon2018 I don’t find your post helpful to the OP. She doesn’t need interrogating. Be helpful or move on.

Have you considered asking the children's mother to do a parenting course like Incredible Years? I was a 'volunteer grandma' on one for a while (it was free for participants) and the parents had a lot of fun, it's not judgemental in any way and there is separate care for pre-schoolers (at my branch anyway).

Please read about it below then ask your local CAB who runs it in your area. There may also be other parenting courses too.

To ease your burden, ask about Barnardos who used to have, and maybe still do, in-home help for people caring for children and who are finding it a strain.

Your eldest gc is just becoming a person in her own right and aware of Mum's shortcomings. She's probably genuinely concerned about her mum but feels helpless to do anything about it.
Have you spoken to her about the fact that Mum might need a little help as she gets so tired and worried (age-appropriate phrases ) and can't always think straight?
I have found it is best to be honest, rather than hedge or think children cannot understand.

I'm afraid I don't have much faith in Social Services; they are so stretched and have a Prioritising Scheme, whereby the worse-case (violence and sexual abuse) come at the top, and happy children with loving grandparents are way down the list.

The other thing is - your stepson, whe he comes into his fortune may be able to help with a day-nanny service to give you a break.
Looking after 3 is tiring and he may be prepared to finance this, one day a week or more. There are many agencies who send out people to help, or have sole care.
Depending on your circumstances, you may also get some sort of benefit towards this.

You are not in any way selfish, quite the contrary but clearly you are almost at the end of your tether. So I hope some of these ideas help.

www.dailymail.co.uk/health/article-63973/How-The-Incredible-Years-parent-training-programme-works.html

www.barnardos.org.uk/what-we-do/helping-families

With parents as disconnected as you report I can't see how having them for alternate weekends is enough to provide stability . I hope you don't talk to them about their Mum as you do here and I think their Dad needs a severe talking to

Social Services are not currently involved but there is a risk they’re heading that way again.

What's the risk?

We can’t walk away as they need the stability we provide.

What stability do you provide that their mother doesn't?

We love the children dearly and told both parents a year or so ago that we would always put the children first even if this meant raising concerns with Social Services.

Have you ever raised any concerns with social services? If so, what was the nature of the raised concern(s)?

She is starting to say regularly that she doesn’t want to live with Mum and actually means it.

I mean if her mother is now a single struggling mother, she probably doesn't have the time to do all the fun stuff you get to do with her kids on the weekends. I'm sure you've asked why she would say thus for you mention at you think see started to see her mothers "shortcomings". And what shortcomings are these according to you?

It's little consolation but you are not alone in being the grandparents who provide stability and love for grandchildren about whom they worry. Your commitment is a large one and no wonder you're feeling tired and anxious about what the future holds.

The fact your seven year old granddaughter is beginning to say she doesn't want to live with her mum is a red flag. You say they recently came off the CP register. We all know that the criteria for what constitutes statutory or even regular long term support for families has become consistently higher as services have been cut.

Do you believe the 7 year old is in effect becoming a carer to her mother and younger siblings? There are schemes in most areas these days to support 'young carers'. That won't take the pressure off your weekends but it may support the children. If things are deteriorating, is it time for you to contact the s.w. team again?
Sorry no easy solutions here. You could contact Bernardos and ask to sit and talk the situation through with one of their qualified staff. The local NSPCC team may offer a similar talk it through service. Be aware though, that the NSPCC may simply make a referral to the s.w. team about any concerns your raise, rather than supporting you. There is still a belief around that the NSPCC investigate and support families about whom concerns are raised. They don't. They simply write it up and email it to the local sw team. However, if you aren't making a referral and make clear you simply want to talk the situation through to consider options, they should make an office appointment for you to do that.

First you sound wonderful grandparents and I totally understand how tiring it all is you are doing a brilliant job
I think there are often a chunk of years when people who are caring and kind and not able to just ‘walk away’ are totally trapped in a ‘tired’ period If often happens with elderly parents, plus small grandchild care, plus work, it seems you are just living to juggle very tiring balls and this is where you are at the moment
You have them every other weekend could you enlist some help that weekend ? Any other siblings, aunts, uncles etc Don’t be afraid to ask, can you split your time so husband takes them out for an hour to give you a breather Do they play well together and do you have a garden don’t be afraid to let them be alone obviously keeping an eye on things I think sometimes we over think play and feel the caregiver has got to be with them all the time whereas kids love to play alone having a little adventure with you keeping your eyes open of course A sheet dropped over a couple of chairs can keep kids quite for ages
Make sure you do something nice on the weekend you have off
When your stepson comes for his contact (is that a different time or during the ‘every other weekend’ ) as you say supervise is ending ask him to take them out to the play park or a walk or macDs (why not once in a while) unless of course you believe them to be unsafe with him that way he will have to engage whilst because when you are there, he won’t
You don’t say how old you are or if you are still working but the children will grow up very quickly (it doesn’t seem it at the moment)
I hope you can manage to enlist some help and keep these three children safely together