I feel sorry for my little Grandson

Oh dear! Does he have allergies? The cleaner you are the more likely you are to have eczema, hay fever, allergies & asthma - I know because my mother was sanitised and sanitised all around her.

The saying that a bit of dirt did no one any harm, is true.

My daughter-in-law came from a home like this and is not inflicting it on her children and my son.
Take heart!

I would not say anything to the parents as it could make matters worse. I would make sure he had so much fun when he came to my house though.
Is your Grandson generally happy though?

Sounds like ocd. My DD used to be so house proud to the point she would moan if you slouched on her sofa as your were ruining her cushions.
Fast forward to her having her first child everything changed, her house is lived in now and a much happy place to be.

I do feel for you. Maybe your SIL has OCD? I would bring your GS to your house and let him make as much mess as he wants (within reason). My DIL is very houseproud but mud pies at Grandma's house is great fun. They are delivered home squeaky clean.

I think your gs will remember the fun he had with you more than what he can/can`t do.
An idea .... could he have a pet and keep it at your house ?.
His parents need not know it`s his.

get him some silly string to play with in the garden at your house - the messiest thing I can think of! My grandsons just love it (poundland often sell it which is good, because you get through a couple of cans very quickly). None of my children are that houseproud thank goodness (they take after me!!) - but they all draw the line at silly string so its only allowed in my garden. Nothing better than squirting a grandson.............

MawB

Well she is still fussy, but has more important things to get stressed about than a few crumbs ?

The advantage of having a dog is that they are very good at hoovering up crumbs

fuseta you could keep a couple of spare sets of clothes for him at your house (you'd probably find decent ones in a charity shop) so that he could get as messy as he liked then change him into his clean clothes before he's picked up.

Otherwise, old shirts make good painting overalls.

It sounds as if your SIL can't help it if he is hoovering around you while you eat - at your house!
Perhaps the poor man was brought up like that, or perhaps his parents were messy hoarders and this is a reaction and his way of keeping control of his life.

My SiL (who admits to OCD) can't stand mess. He had to be persuaded to allow pictures to be hung on the walls of their new house and to have ornaments and plants, even a Christmas tree!! The only colours for home furnishing are in the cream/beige/brown spectrum. In the garden, there is a lot of paving, grass and the odd shrub, no flowers.
DD is by nature reasonably tidy and over the years she has persuaded SiL to soften his attitude somewhat. But DH and I think it's a pretty soulless house for the GSs to grow up in.

My home is definitely lived-in, it is far easier to clean up when the GCs go home, than try to control the mess.

Let your grandson enjoy himself at your place, he will always look forward to seeing you.

All my 6 know they get to make a mess at Grandma's. Especially making cakes & biscuits although I have taught the eldest how to cook his favourite meals- his girlfriend loves him cooking for her now.
If they can't let their hair down when staying with GM where can they. To be fair neither of my sons & DiLs object to messy play.

Personally I would just chat to GS and tactfully raise the issue to judge his reaction. You could have the chat that we’re all allowed to do what we want in our own homes but some people are more OCD than others. Let him know the varying degrees of this and that there is a difference between OTT behaviour, and just allowing a home to be a home.

That borders on abuse to me. Have they recognised they are OTT with cleanliness? Do the adults ever have people in their house and go about hoovering round them when they are eating? Goodness your GS will be living on an edge in case he makes a mess. The pet thing isn't unusual, a lot of people don't want them.

How sad is this ? My mother had many a falling-out with my ex SiL about this behaviour. One child in the family who was scared to breathe !
Absolutely disgusting. Anyway the child began having petite-mal's in his earlier life then an emergency appendectomy, problems learning at school as he had to return home exactly the same way as he left----not a hair out of place., and it must have worried him all day.

I remember my mum crying and so upset about his upbringing. Both the child and his mother always had sniffles. My brother towed the line for 27 years within a military style operation with everything, that he took off. Worse than a life sentence.

This would be classed as psychological abuse today.
No children's parties in case the other kids were " scruffy " or came from poor homes. Heartbreaking and very wrong.

Poor Lad.
As others have said, let him be messy at your house and if his parents say anything about it well, I would shut them down promptly with a "my house my rules" response!

Poor little boy, I do feel sorry for him. But you can't really interfere without the risk of losing him. Good ideas above about having fun in your house when he visits.
I do hope DD and SIL relax eventually.

I had a friend that made herself so much extra work constantly cleaning - going for coffee at her house was a bit like going to Hyacinth Bucket's house - dropped a crumb and she was there with the brush and dustpan. I walked into her house one day,I didn't realise that I had a leaf on the sole of my shoe - even though I took my shoes off, inside the door, she wiped them with a damp cloth and bleach before handing them back when I left!
She did improve as time went by - said that she watched how I behaved with my son and learnt that it was ok to allow them to get messy for a bit and they wouldn't come to any harm!
Either your SiL is suffering from OCD or this is the first time he has lived in a home that contains things he has paid for! Either way there is little that you can do.
No harm in a child not having a pet - many children don't for many reasons and they don't come to any harm, just make up for it as adults and run an animal sanctuary or have a houseful of hairy dogs and run an alpaca farm! Relax - can't expect anybody, blood relation or otherwise , to have the same way of living as you do!

It’s kind of the other way round for us. My granddaughters 1&3 live in a lovely house with huge gardens and are allowed to wreck the place. Every surface is scribbled on, stickers all over, toys broken, books ripped up and I fear the girls have little respect for anything. When they are at mine I only let them eat in the kitchen but they scatter toys all over the and my tidy house is a wreck now. My advice would be buy some plastic table covering, messy play on it and make sure you’ve cleaned up before the parents get home. xx
We have been living together (8 of us) during lock down for childcare reasons because I’m the only adult out of 5 of us who doesn’t work and now living between both our houses.

I would have to say something, I think.
No doubt I would probably be told to mind my own business, but the seed would hopefully have been planted.

I agree with Tangerine! Have fun with him!

Like other people have said I would make sure he has lots of fun at your house, could he have a rabbit or goldfish over yours.
His parents are not making precious childhood memories for him but at least he can have them with you.

Just take him to your house or outdoors all the time. I used to let my little GS get up to sort of things my DD wouldn't have approved of. Climbing trees, messing about in the river, throwing stones into the sea... she used to say to me that he was always dirty when I returned him. I think dirt usually equates to FUN. Now he's a teenager and independent and loves the outdoors.

Let him play with messy and wet things at your place, once lockdown is over.

Cut a hole for his head and each arm in a big plastic bin sack, so he can wear it as an overall.

That way his clothes won't get wet or dirty, so his parents don't give him a row when he gets back home.

I may be completely wrong here and I have no expertise (just having listened a storyline in The Archers and to Woman’s Hour!) but to me this seems like over-controlling behaviour. Does oppression figure large in your daughter’s marriage? If you have any suspicions of this, tread very carefully and get proper advice.

Your house, your rules - it’s not as if you are fostering insurrection. What happens at Gran’s house stays at Grans’ house?