Are you 'single-at-heart'?

Jodi - what a wonderful opportunity - a real adventure! You're really grabbing your life with both hands! When you get settled, you could maybe join us for a meet up?

On my own for 20 years and have spent most of my time in the last 45 on my own or with kids etc. Mostly very happy with the situation and sometimes feel I am a bit strange but I love coming home to peace and quiet and my own space.
Don't like the place too tidy though cos then it looks unloved in!

Oops... Unlived in!

Rinky, ironically - and no malice intended - but you were probably right the first time .

Having been divorced and then had a 5-year relationship that really shouldn't have even lasted for 1, I have been on my own for (hmm, let me see.....eek ! not telling) *buzzer* years, I know I am definitely single at heart. I mostly enjoy my own company but am glad of the chance to chat with family, friends and colleagues....and online, of course ! However, there are times when I suddenly realise that I do feel lonely. It usually hits me like a bolt from the blue. However, the thought of living with someone again, ironing their shirts and having to share the tv remote control just apalls me. My DD surprised me once when she said that what I really need is someone with their own place so that I can go out socially with them, and have intimacy (not her words ), then he can go back to his and I can go back to mine. Trouble is, my heart rules my head and I don't trust myself to cope with such an arrangement if the opportunity presented itself .

Agreed Rocknanny, Occasionally the lonely bit does hit and an available other half with his own space would probably be good but yes the thought that he would probably want shirts ironing and meals cooked at certain times puts me off. As my sister who has also spent a lot of time on her own and is also self employed, says 'what we need is a wife' Nuff said!

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I tick so many boxes. I think I was born to be single - though I do love my children and grandchildren. Good luck, jodi. What a wonderful opportunity for you.

Not sure - been married to the same man for the past 42 years, so hardly single! But only a very special man could handle me, as I need lots of space and to do my own things, in my own way, from time to time. Could have never ever coped with a man who would have been possessive, expected me to think or behave in a certain way - and held me on a close leash. He understood that, right from the start- so it's worked out well. I don't think I could ever commit to a relationship to the same extent ever, though. Bless him.

The descriptions in the article sum me up perfectly!
I do enjoy the excitement of starting a new relationship, but I've discovered that I really treasure my own time above all else.
A 'semi-detached' partner would be ideal, but men (or the ones I've met anyway) seem to be far more 'needy' and want to be joined at the hip - and almost as soon as you've met.
Or perhaps I've just not met the right man?
(Ex-DH was most definitely not the right one)
Then again, I've been single for 16 years now (apart from the odd fling) so it probably is that I am genuinely single-at-heart.

I always fancied a relationship with a man who worked on an oil rig and would be away for about three weeks then come back with lots of money and ready to go out and have fun. When it started to get a bit too much he could go back to his rig and leave me to enjoy the peace for a couple of weeks!!

Not me! I was born to be married I think. The Wonderful Man is not controlling or possessive and we have the usual give and take that comes of living with someone. I like it. I like sharing. We're mostly pretty considerate of each other. We have lots of friendships with other people too and we don't live in each other's pockets. There's always something to talk about and we both have interesting jobs and hobbies. He goes away quite a bit for work and I always look forward to him coming home, but I'm not exactly watching the door as I have a life of my own that I'm getting on with. I actually feel more 'me' when he's around than when he's not.
Hmmm - a bit of a waffly post, but a reminder that I have many marital blessings to count!

Between 2001 and 2010 we had 9 years of DH working away from home and coming back at weekends. Not always the amorous reunion you might expect, and I found myself enjoying my own space during the week and being in control of my life and decisions with the "security net" of knowing he was still around. I think becaause I never did the flat-sharing/living alone thing as we got married straight from university I needed that time to myself - and now that we are both retired.....even more so!!
I just don't like having to explain what I am doing/am going to do/have done all the time. Yesterday, for example, I went to a friend's for our Book Group lunch, leaving home at 12.30 I had to point out exctly what he could have for lunch (obvious really) before I went. I got a text at 5.30 (OK , long lunch, we were having fun so we stayed a bit!!) to ask if I had fed the dog before I left, but I think really to ask "When are you coming home? When I got home around 6, he was huffing because apparently I had taken so long to respond to the text - as if I sit with my phone at the ready! But in fact the village where we met is a real "black hole" for mobile reception and what he had texted perhaps around 4 had got to me at 5.30 and in fact I had replied immediately. Cold shoulder all evening, didn't really enjoy his supper, went to bed early (I stayed up to watch Borgen) and today I am still being frozen out!! He will probably pick at lunch and I will just ignore it and do my own thing. Men can be very childish (sorry, some men) when they are not the centre of attention. Rant over!!!
Does this answer the question - yes!!

I don't think I was born to do 'alone' although I am becoming more used to my own space.
gracesmum
Your post could have been mine a year ago. I went all shivery when I read it. Once J retired he invaded my space - after all I'd had it for the best part of 38 years although we got on well once the ground rules had been laid down! He was happy for me to go out and do things on my own, within reason, but I always felt that he went huffy when I got back - I often accused him of that and he always said he wasn't - but he was! Now a year on and no J to go huffy - I just wish he was here - I think I would prefer to cope with 'huffy' rather than silence.

I thought I had the ideal situation with the S.O. living just up the road [it started off as the next county, then it was the next village and then the same villages with a 'you won't know I'm here' comment]. But I get the 'I will see you tomorrow/day after or whatever' from him, whereas if I say I won't see you on such and such a day I get strange looks and am made to feel like thewickedwitchofthemidlands. I have a plan to visit a friend down south next month and am feeling as if I'm doing something awful [I need him to look after the dog unfortunately]. He is currently oop north and will visit his mates, go to the pub etc etc and I'm working and tidying the house after his usual 'I'll just move in over Christmas'. He once phoned me several times when I was out one evening and then phoned the next morning because I hadn't replied. 'I was worried' he said to which I replied 'no, you were just checking up on me'. I'm scared that, if I do retire he will be here all the time. I know I just need to have it out with him [I did when I first knew him, saying I wasn't a joined at the hip person and he needed to find someone who was; I then said at a later stage that I dreaded my ex retiring even though I would hardly have seen him; S.O. then took early retirement and, thus far hasn't done anything with that time]. We have no friends and no social life. I don't know what I have become, but I'm not me any more. He's a lovely, kind man and we do share a lot of interests. He's great fun on holiday [but we don't have them any more]. Sorry for ranting on but I'm at my wits end not knowing how to get control of my life again [and I don't want to alienate him].

Have you tried to quietly sit down and explain this to him. That you love him dearly, love to spend time with him and share - but that you also need your 'me' time, or 'me + my friends' - and that he can trust you and must stop worrying. That it ruins the lovely relationship you want to have with him?

His reaction should help you decide what happens next. Bonne chance.

gracesmum oh dear that made me pay attention, because I also have to spell things out for OH (although he doesn't mind me going out with friends, I do have to leave instructions on a myriad of things, to pre-empt questions). So before I set out, I tell him to pay attention (a.k.a. stop watching the sport on telly) and then I go through a whole list of stuff and then I ask "Have I covered everything because I don't want any questions later" LOL. That sounds childish too but it makes him realise I am on to him and he gets a bit sheepish, and leaves me alone to enjoy my outing! I have a SIL who is very happily married - her husband works away from home and she sees him 4 times a year - he flies home each quarter. It works for them and they seem very happy most of the time.

Grannynot- you made me laugh. My OH would just hate it if I did that - and always says NOT to shop or cook meals for him if I go out for the day with friends- or go traveling for a week or two, as I did with Greatnan in June.

Often if I suggest going on a day's travel or to the spa, etc, friends say they can't as they have to cook for OH. And I'd say 'for goodness sake, he can make himself some pasta, or a sandwich, or you can leave him a plated meal to microwave if he is so hopeless' and they look at me as if I was terrible and reply 'oh, but he wouldn't like it'!!! Tough. I just couldn't put up with that.

One of our friend's lives in Michigan and her husband in Morocco, and they meet up twice a year. That's a bit extreme though, lol.

granjura; I have told him these things but it just hasn't sunk in. He was a salesman and I think they're conditioned to have a thick skin and ignore rebuffs from people. When I first knew him he said to someone that 'he felt more at home in my house than his own'. Even then I wondered if he realised that I didn't feel at home in my own home when someone was here. I've been on my own so I understand what Gally has said that's why I'm scared to rock the boat, as it were. On top of this my ex husband gave me the house and an allowance when he left because he totally understood my need for my own space so I sometimes feel it's an insult to his generosity.

granjura I also go off for a couple of days at a time with friends, or for work, and DH doesn't mind, nor do I have to cook in advance for him. His control issues (as I call them) when I'm out for a few hours and back for evening meal, he likes to know everything is organised". I used to do most of the family cooking, but once our children left home and it was just him and me and both working full time, I said to him "I want to you to cook on Tuesday nights". Cue shocked face. But he rose to the occasion and did well - after about 6 months I said again "You know how you cook on Tuesday nights? Well I want something different next week". (he cooked spag bol every week!) LOLLLL. Anyway he rose to the occasion again - and alternated stew and spag bol. That was some years ago, now when I don't feel like cooking I say "I'm having egg on toast, do you fancy that?" crimson [eek emoticon]

I've become more single at heart whilst still staying in my 47 year old marriage.

I'm no longer romantically involved or keen to please and I say what I think and I can tolerate the thought of us splitting up whereas once I lived in fear of it.

I can't imagine I would ever want to share my living space with anyone else but if I did become single I might like a boyf. who lived somewhere else.

Gally as soon as I had written my post I remembered that this month sees a sad anniversary for you and felt guilty,
I know that DH feels insecure if I am any distance away - he gets these fainting/nauseous episodes and when they happen he goes to pieces and I have to fetch a (sick) bowl, glass of water, thermometer, stay close by until he gets to bed - all of which I understand, but I suspect he is now fretting in case it happens as his confidence is shot to pieces. I try to smile and not let it seem to matter and "jolly" him out of it, as I do not (yet) want to be a 24/7 carer! In principle, he doesn't mind me going out just because he can't and I want to keep things normal as long as possible, but the horizons are definitely shrinking.
However - this conversation is not happening at the right time for you, Gally or anybody else who has lost their DH and would happily put up with anything to have them back.

gracesmum - don't feel guilty. I probably wrote posts which weren't appropriate before J died, but you know, life goes on and at the time I did feel put-upon by him from time to time and every marriage has its ups and downs! It's only later that you wish you'd been more patient, less demanding or whatever - but that's the benefit of hindsight! I find it quite strange reading all the 'husband' posts now I don't have one, but I can certainly relate to most of them

I realise that my posts are often about 'coupledom' ... it's hard to remember about everyone's situation. I sometimes read the "granny" threads with a touch of envy - I'm not a granny

We all do the same, Grannyknot. I like to think that none of us on here deliberately say anything to hurt someone else and most people understand that . We do count our blessings but it's good to have somewhere to discuss our problems as well.

Difficult to know isnt it. I think I am someone who lives in an extended family at heart DH can be pretty self contained at times and I have become more so, and more independent. if I go away for 6 weeks to see kids I do not pine but happy to come home to him. I am used to doing lots of things on my own, including travel to other side of planet.
When I was between husbands I had an interesting few years with a number of relationships but the idea of living with any of them never crossed my mind for a moment. I don't yearn for the single life but in some ways being married to a shy person can be more lonely than being single.