Son in trouble

I have a similar worry. Unknown to DD1 my SIL has neglected his business to conduct an affair with her friend. He has left DD and 3 children, made the other (married) woman pregnant, and almost daily debts and arrears are coming to light, worrying me sick. DD only works as a school TA so is facing becoming homeless and penniless (no equity in the house). I lie awake each night worrying - she is 43 years old but mothers always worry don't they? I wish I could do more to help.
I feel for you Pollaidh and cannot advise on coping with the anxiety, I wish I could. I hope you will find comfort on Gransnet, there are some very caring people on here.

Thank you for showing such empathy Shysal - and your situation sounds so much harder than mine. It's the bit about always worrying - and wishing we could do more to help that's the hardest. They say that most of the things we worry about never happen - but you know that gripping fear in the pit of your stomach that things can get so, so much worse. When our children are small we can protect and direct them - but as adults we are forced to stand and watch when life unravels for them. And staying strong enough to be supportive is really hard I find. I wish I was better at "letting go". Is there something here about wanting to be back in control of their lives?

Pollaidh Shysal (((hugs))) to both.

Shysal if she hasn't already done so Your DD needs to at least discuss the situation with a solicitor and the local housing authority if she is likely to become homeless. The sooner she is on the books the better.

Polliadh has he been to get business advice from any of the not for profit organisations that might help with this? Or is he being a man and sticking his head in the sand.

Can you discuss this with your DIL and reassure her that whatever happens you would want to stay friends with her.
I am sure there are other Gnrs who have had these experiences.

Pollaidh So sorry to hear this. I have no experience of this so don't know what to sugggest other than keep talking to them both. Let them know you are there for them no matter what. Has he told you the details? Is his worry genuine or has he just got things out of proportion?

Thanks Nellie, she is at last doing those things this week. It has been so frustrating trying to persuade her to be proactive. SIL is a controlling bully and has taken away all her self esteem. He is definitely burying his head in the sand, does not reply to any of the people/companies to whom he owes money (including myself). When the other woman's pregnancy was announced last week, DD seemed to come to her senses and start to move on, hope it continues.

Pollaidh and shysal, I'm sorry to hear about the worries you are having. I think many of us are familiar with the sinking feeling in the pit of our stomachs when our adult children tell us news such as this. I think we go into 'protection mode' and try to think of all the things we can do to help, all the while presenting a calm and capable exterior.
It's the last thing you think of before you go to sleep (if at all possible!) and the first thing you think of when you wake up. It matters not a jot how old they are. It's just how it is. I can't offer any concrete advice, but just want to say that things do tend to work out alright in the end, even if they aren't the way you'd like them to be. We can't bear to see them hurting, but we can listen. xx

Pollaidh and Shysal so sorry to hear about all your worries and anxieties. Marelli is correct in saying that things will get resolved, somehow, in the end. Yes, there will be bad times first, and I know you can't help but worry.

One of the best things about gransnet is that, when we have problems/worries with our families we can talk to people here who, even if they can't make the situation better will listen and, more importantly understand. The nights I've spent worrying about my grown childrens' problems [not always actual problems but sometimes problems that might happen] the tears shed and the awful feeling first thing in the morning. But being able to offload on here makes it easier to put on the Eleanor Rigby face when talking to them and trying to help.

You are so right, Tegan, and it's the problems that might happen that seem to be the worst. Gransnet is a wonderful 'place'.

Wow! What a gorgeous group of women you are! That was my first post on here and I only put it on as a way of "reaching out" to someone and felt a bit pathetic really.
Shysal - I am glad things are moving for your daughter at last. If she can take back some of the control, bit by bit, her self esteem will return. You must be proud of the way she is beginning to handle a horrendous situation. I really hope things improve for her.
Movedalot: I have a feeling that, rather than getting things out of proportion, things are much worse than my son is letting on. (This is based on experience.) There is nothing I can do. We have spent tens of thousands of pounds rescuing him from past business failure and debts - and we cannot do this again. I only hope that his marriage survives all this. It is the best thing that ever happened to him.
Tegan: yes, it's that last thing/first thing stone in the stomach that is so awful. And I am really guilty of inventing catastrophes that might happen (but haven't). Do they call that "catastrophising self-talk"?
Aka: I am pretty sure we are in for a rough ride - accepting that fact makes it easier to deal with, doesn't it?
Well, ladies, if you can bear it, I will report on events. In the meantime, what strategies have you found that help you cope with this "reactive super anxiety" stage?

Please let us know how things go, Pollaidh (I do like your name!) I have no strategies for coping, unfortunately. I often find myself muttering, "it'll be alright...it'll be alright", and I think that really is because after all the trials (mainly) and tribulations, I think things do end up being 'alright'.
Like so many of us here, my family have had ups and downs. I've done what I could to help, and they know I'm there for them, but I have to say, in my experience, that throwing good money after bad isn't always the answer. I just can't afford to do it any more now anyway. There are usually ways of coping without having to do that, if the right agencies are contacted, depending on what the problem is.
We're here for you to talk to, so blether away. I remember being absolutely frantic with worry one night, and I logged on to Gransnet and spoke through how I was feeling. Maybe it was because it was in the small hours that I felt more able to do it - things always seem worse during the night, don't they? Anyway, within less than an hour or so, replies to my post were coming in, and I got such comfort from that.

Pollaidh My thoughts are with you. You will find a great deal of support on Gransnet. The kindness of strangers has helped me through some tough times. As for a strategy to enable myself to cope with "reactive super anxiety", I remember the phrase...
"This too will pass..."
Those words give me a sense of perspective and help me to make the most of what is good and be stoical about that which is bad.

Welcome to Gransnet Pollaidh. For you and Shysal, I hope your families problems are resolved well eventually. I've been through problems too - I'm sure we nearly all have (comes with age!). I try and put it out of my mind at times for my own good health. I do all I can to help them practically, and then think, what will be will be, and I'll be supportive whatever happens. Sometimes at night I do deep breathing which can relax me a bit. I know it's hard.

Yes Gransnet is a wonderful place to come when you have worries. You can say things you mightn't want to say to friends/family, in anoymity. It can be such a relief to express your worries and find others in a similar situation, which does seem to help. I've been helped and comforted myself here, by some lovely people. Sorry haven't any practical help, but good luck to you and keep posting x

pollaidh I can really identify with you too - my daughter never gives us a day's worry, whereas my son can cause me sleepless nights from time to time, so I know all about the acute anxiety phase.

I tell myself to "trust the universe" and remind myself that it's observing the process that is so painful as a parent, but that it is his process. .

oops meant to underline that his process.

pollaidh and Shysal, I too am in the middle of a horrible situation with my dd and sil, which has been ongoing for a couple of years.
Many tears have been shed and now it is reaching a crisis point. I have prepared myself to accept that I may now lose contact with them,(and two dgds).
I don't know how I'll get through this, but I'm sure I will as we always do, don't we?

Anyway, welcome pollaidh and for all who need them.

Ella, so sorry to hear of your problems. I do hope the outcome will not be as dreadful as you fear.

I can totally sympathise with these awful situations Pollaidh and Shysal. My daughters partner up and left her last January. No explanation, nothing. He is in the forces and for several months no-one even knew where he was and even his mother (who had previously said my daughter was the daughter she never had) refused to say where he was. My daughters wage was not enough to cover her mortgage and my husband and I paid half for over a year. Debt letters, court summons etc. arrived on an almost weekly basis for him and my daughter became terrified to answer the door or telephone. After what seems like forever this all came to a head when I opened (against my daughters wishes) yet another court summons letter and telephoned the court for advice. I poured my heart out and was eventually put onto a lady who went beyond the call of duty (think data protection etc) and gave me the best advice. 18 months later we learn that he had been having a relationship with someone else in the forces and that they had a baby together. He is now very much a thing of the past and my daughter has finally been able to move on without him.

I do hope there is some good news on the horizon soon for your daughter and daughter in law. I know what it is like to lie in bed at night worrying. All you can do is "be there" for them when they need you.

Life is just never perfect is it? Like Grannyknot our daughter gives us few worries (though coming back from abroad, pregnant, with workless musician in tow was a bit of a challenge ). And I needed to be reminded of a few things, like "This too will pass", so thank you soop. Sometimes it's just great to have someone affirm your resolve - like not throwing good money after bad (I am always tempted just to bail him out...) and it is, as you said, his process - it's just that watching it hurts so much.
But Ella46 what awful things are happening? Whatever is up, I do hope that the outcome is not as dire as you feel. There were times when my MiL (who lived with us) drove me nuts - but never, never would I have severed communications between her and our family. Hang on in there, please, whatever it is. There is not an emoticon for hugs on here - so this is the best I can do: (((((((()))))))))!
PS Marelli - Pollaidh is pronounced Polly and is a Gaelic word for "peat moss" and also the name of a favourite Scottish mountain - Stac Pollaidh.

Pollaidh I love your name. My son climbed Stac Pollaidh with his then, young son, strapped in a sling-thing on his back. The "wee man" was not impressed. The sound of the fierce wind at the summit, not to mention the great height from sea level, reduced him to floods of tears.

Pollaidh I am so sorry for your anxiety, an awful situation for anyone to find themselves in and made worse in that you obviously have a high regard for your daughter in law. Sadly you can only offer your best advice but if your son is, as you say, difficult to talk to it may fall on deaf ears.
I always find it so sad that material things or material failings in this case have such an adverse effect on human relationships which should really be sacrosanct and above such things. I hope their relationship does not suffer and I do understand your position of having no one to talk to, I am sadly in the same position but for other reasons. The ladies on this forum are very supportive and I hope you can find some comfort intheir suggestions.
Good luck.

There will always be someone to talk to and to listen here. You, as a mother, and me also, always think that you must be able to fix it, when things go wrong in your childs life. It is so hard to not be able to do that.We always seem to carry some burden or other.Please now believe that there are people who will listen, and not judge, and who will feel your sorrow.Please continue to log in and talk to us all here on Gransnet.We are always here for you.

Pollaidh, I did wonder (but didn't want to presume!) whether your name is pronounced Polly!

Looking back I suppose we went through some pretty traumatic times in our marriage, but it seems much more worrying when it's happening to your children. Even with my two apparently happily settled I can still lie awake at night going over the "What If's"
At least with Gransnet there is always someone to listen and understand.