Ending a 43 year marriage

You're definitely not alone. This is a wonderful place to chat and/or vent when you need to.

well,,i was married to an emotionaly phsysicaly abused woman,who had little conscience,or emotion,and never ever any affection,stuck this for 23 years,,then walked away,,,kids grown up by then,,and i can say was the best thing i ever did,been single for 10 years ,and loving it,,if the kids are adults ,,leave,,for their sakes and your own,,i am 59,,and go on dates..ha ha,,i found my self again,,,and my happiness,,,hope you have the courage to find yours

Exactly.... you escape and find yourself.

Hi Mikey345, glad to hear that your are now happy. How long did it take you to find yourself again and to be happy. I've only been separated a year and really struggling with it at the moment.

My 40 year -unhappy for me -marriage has ended because, despite saying he didn't want to divorce, I discovered he had a 38 year old 'girlfriend' in China, where he has worked for 15 years or so. He has sent at least £70,000 out to her account, to buy a flat and invest in a night club! This has gone bankrupt apparently in just 4 months! Looks like a scam to me. He really didn't want a divorce, wanted to "have my cake and eat it", for how long?

This leaves me glad to be free and not living with an Arrogant, Rude, Selfish, Egotist!
Still devastated though that he used me and my loyalty. I could have pushed for a divorce of course but the fear of consequences, family split, financial disruption and it was a second marriage, would the grass be greener etc. Plus he always said he "was sorry to be such a shit" and did just enough to keep me there, more of a mother than anything.

So a new life at 67, all to play for! Good luck to all who Just F.....Do It!

mikey345 surely it was you who lectured is on caring for a disabled (stroke?) partner selflessly and without complaining for decades??
Forgive me if that is indeed the case, but it doesn't't really tally with "been single for 10 years and loving it". Can you explain please??

This is one of your posts on the thread "Need a rant"
Would you care to comment?

i have to say,,i know its hard looking after the other half,but what ever happened to in sickness and health.if its seen as a burden,then it will be,gee whiz,,,,,i love ya as long as your healthy..that isnt love,i look after my wife,its not a burden,,unless i make it one,,,the other gets sick,and where is the focus of our attention,,,on the self,,,,and thats what makes it such a burden,caring aint easy,thats what love is all about,,,,i love you,,,just dont get sick

Bump

Bump
If other members might like to refresh their memories, the thread was "Need a rant".

Without rereading that whole thread I seem to remember that the OP got very short shrift from the gentleman you mentioned when she clearly just needed some breathing space and a few sympathetic ears. Maybe a case of 'do as I say and not as I do.'

"when our children got sick,,,did we tier of caring for them,,did we complain.or is it,this wasnt the deal i signed up for.or the life i wanted,when we say its ok to let off steam about caring,it doesnt end there,instead it begins,the care home,assisted dying,make no mistake,this is about the self,and what it wants,oh i get fed up..angry,,tearfull,,,but not because my wife is a burden,to comlpain about,,but because she endures so much,,,,and who am i to say, i am the one suffering,the one complaining,the one carrying the burden,i need to let of steam,,,,the self ,in its most selfish mode.the very opposite of love,,you get sick,,and this is what it has done to me,,,,me...love is caring.it has no qualifications to be met,,it is unconditional,,we never get weary of caring for a sick child,,why is it so different when its an adult.that adult used to be a child to...unconditional"

That is what you said in October, Mikey345 on 27 September you told us how you have been single for 10 years and go on dates.
Can you enlighten those of us who sympathised with you for your unstinting care for your wife???

Nice try alea but heads and brick walls are springing to mind here!
G'night.

Ah well, I just hope sparkygran and anybody else who felt slapped down by the sanctimonious insensitivity at the time has seen this now and hopefully it might make up for getting a bucket of cold water in their face instead of the sympathy the rest of us expressed.

good for you Alea - personally I never gave Mikey345 another thought all I needed was to let off some steam

Aren't there some nasty, wooden spoon wielding people about? I hope you have sent him off with a flea in his ear Alea

And I hope that GNHQ are aware of his posts.

They are, but I am not aware what, if any, action has been taken.
Sparkygran you took this very well! but we never exactly know a member's frame of mind when a "cri de coeur" is posted and I was so cross at the cruel and (with hindsight) duplicitous response. We can all have times when we need to vent or have a rant or, worse, when things are all too much. So I do not know what satisfaction anyone gains from stirring like this. And I have no compunction about naming and shaming when it happens.

Dear Daisy,
I had intended to ask others today for support for the same reasons. I am 64 and have a fantastic group of girlfriends that I could not do without.
I too have been on the brink of leaving my husband of 33 years many times. The usual - drink, verbal abuse, (never physical or I would have gone long ago) negativity, controlling, grumpy. He is 73 & I feel the age gap more & more. Like you we do go away together & have had some good times, but on these trips I usuallly expect at least one outburst of temper. I forgive & forgive & forgive, but each time something dies.
I have suggested counselling - "I don't need it". Bought books on CBT - read a few pages. I have recently bought a book on verbal abuse - ticked nearly every page.
SO - why am I still here.
I think because I am frightened - not of the long time future on my own - I dream about it - but the the upheaval before.
Our respective children - we have both been married before - would not be surprised.
In fact his eldest daughter thinks I am a saint - I hasten to say I am not. My daughter I think is waiting for the day I leave. She loves him but can see how depressed & generally angry he is.
So Daisy - sorry for this long reply - I think we both need courage.
Good luck - and a big hug. Xx

I really can't give advice but there are many who can. You only have one life.

Hellooooo,
it's been a while since I logged in but just want to add my support for those in similar situations.
Regret divorce? Hmmmm?
I think I regretted the fall out from divorcing from Ex1. My children were 16 & 18 at the time (now 40 & 42) and Ex1 seemed to divorce from them too. His next partner dominated him and made her family his priority. They split up a couple of years ago.
This year though, we have all had a big family holiday together and we will be sharing Christmas day together.
Ex1 and I had just grown apart; he was a bit of a bully and shouty and totally obsessed by sport (both playing it and watching it on TV). His current GF knows she will not get a look in if something 'International' is being screened.
My DD, in her interactions with her dad, often says "I know why you divorced him."

Meanwhile I met and married someone, DH2, I thought I could spend the rest of my life with.
Wrong!
He is a high-functioning alcoholic and, to add to the mix, has a Narcissitic Personality [NP](I won't add the Disorder bit, as that medicalises it and we all have a bit of narcissism in us). For many, many years I believed him when, if something went wrong, that it was my fault, my interpretation of events that was skewed. Then a few years ago I read a book titled 'Why is it always about you?'; it is about narcissitic personality. The scales fell from my eyes. His ranting behaviour, made worse by drinking; his negative, private views of family and friends; his arrogant beliefs; his lack of empathy, etc. etc. was all laid out in front of me on the pages.
I had lived 17 years of walking on egg-shells in case I sparked an argument with him.
Now, I accept that I may be the type of personality that doesn't like confrontation and this may be a factor in both of my marriages but I was able to argue (and resolve issues) with Ex1 in a way I couldn't with DH2.
DH2 had, since his retirement from work, declined in his hygiene standards, wearing the same items in bed and then for day wear; he was only going out of the house to get drink and cigarettes; and was becoming increasingly insular. I stopped loving him.

So ....nearly two years ago I found a house to rent and moved out. In the next month or so we will have 'done our time' i.e. two years separation and can get divorced. I have reached a stage of equanimity, a state of calmness that I have not had since my days of singledom as a teenager. I am sad that state may be disturbed over the next couple of months as we go through the procedure of divorce.

Did you leave? I am in a very similar position

I am too Dtry

Only found this thread this morning

My husband had a serious affair after 43 yrs of marriage. I began to accept it and he had another one. This time with someone he didnt like much- purly sexual.
We are in early 70 s too difficult to start again and move out so we re living in same house but different areas.Ive had dates were ive fancied the men concerned not reciprecated though.
Last one was recently he seemed like he wanted asecond date but so far hasnt replied . Beats being depressed though and is quite excitingin lots of ways.

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