I work with my partners ex

Just ask if she is the same woman that he once lived with. Had you done that straightaway, you wouldn't have had to snoop and feel guilty about that. It is not wrong to want to know and you owe him your trust surely?

As long as you haven't used your position at work to do the snooping, then you haven't done anything wrong.

The trouble now, is that having opened Pandora's box, you don't know what to do with the information. You have two options:

1. Do nothing. As others have said, we all have a past, and maybe he wants to leave the past behind him. Does he worry that you knowing you both work in the same place will lead to constant questions about her?

2. Come clean. I wouldn't create a situation in which you meet her with your OH and say, oh, I know you from somewhere, unless you want to put your OH on the back foot, and make him feel very awkward. just bring the subject up in a non accusatory way. Be prepared for him to be annoyed or even angry.

Good luck.

Maybe you should be asking yourself why your son has not introduced his girlfriend yet or why he hasn't said much. Could it be possible that you over react?

Cassy I really don't understand what your problem is. You have committed yourself to an intimate relationship with a person who has done this before with someone else.. If he still has household stuff to sort out with her it is clearly much too soon for you to have any realistic expectations of this current relationship he now has with you lasting either. If you had wanted a solid long term relationship you would have waited until you knew this man very well and were very sure that it was love and not lust. The situatio you outline is a problem which could easily have been forseen and just like a cheap novella.
I am not convinced that this is a real situation at all and not just something fished out of the depths of your imagination. If real, then you have leapt into a messy situation with predictable consequences and would appear to be enjoying your self created angst. If you are not enjoying this casual setup then get out of this situation and wait for someone who is 'solid gold' and is free to offer you his love and the future that you would wish for.

You say he see's her from time to time as they have a house to sort out so it is very likely he knows, as I am sure she will have said she is working where he works and surelu they might bump into or see one another in the car park etc. If not why not? If he knows, why hasn't he told you if you are both working in the same department?

What is so strange about asking the name of an ex girlfriend who he sees some times and has things to sort out? Why did you have to snoop? Do you not have any mutual friends who would know her as it wasn't that long ago. If she said she lives in the same area as him, why didn't you mention he lived there? Could you not say to him that there is a women in my department who says she lives near where you use to live, do you know her.

"The thing is relationships are frowned on at work" . They can frown all they like but who you live with, your children or if you are likely to have any, your age and a number of other things are none of their business. The only reason they could complain Isis if a relationship interfered with your work.

If you are going to manag people I think you must learn to be more open when dealing with people as at times you will have to address difficult situations Hope you have done some sort of management course.

Just be open! Tell the truth, say you found out, whats the worst that could happen?? Surely we are all at least of the age where holding things back and snooping on loved ones should be far, far behind us! His past is his past! His future is you, although, had I found out my partner was snooping on me, I would be quite disturbed! I would have thought we had left those insecurities of the young far behind us!
For me, I have to trust explicitly who I am with, and if not, then I wouldnt be with them. xxx

Wondering how he tells you he's sorting the house stuff with his ex without ever using at least her first name. You can't erase his past or undo your insecure snooping.
For the moment you're stuck with the situation you're in. Just say nothing and don't get too cosy yet, it may not be long term after all.

You cant change the past or undo whats done, you need to move forward and have it clear in your mind how best to approach this, its obvious you need to chat with this guy if you are to move the relationship forward the secret is not to rush it. You need to get him talking about his life before the ex, then you can ask how they met and let the conversation progress naturally only when he has spoken her name and you know for sure it is her should you bring it up if at all, its often better to have confirmation in your mind so that you can manage your situation going forward. Bear in mind he is fresh out of a break up and you could drive him away by lots of on the spot questions when he is trying to sort out and come to terms with what happened before he met you. If hes worth keeping its worth biting your tongue for a bit longer. Good Luck

Sit down together, take a deep breath and tell the truth - even the bit about snooping. After all, your partner has been less than truthful with you if indeed the ex-girfriend was working there when they were together. You may have a row, or a few uncomfortable days, but the chances are he will understand your concerns. She doesn't have to know about your new relationship and it might help your partner if you can give him feedback on her if things get a bit messy with sorting out their financial affairs. If your relationship with him is strong then you can weather this together.

I agree with "Elrel" - how can they have still have shared possessions and you don't know her name. It is a strange sort of relationship if you can't ask him about his past. We are formed by our past and when you love someone it's normal to discuss past experiences and relationships - or am I wrong?

I am very confused here and cannot really see what the problem is? Is that he lied when he told you he would never date anyone from work? No, that cannot be it , as you knew that was not true as he is dating you and you both work for the same organisation! Or have I got that wrong? You also have not said how or why she introduced herself to you? Was she aware who you are? Why cant you just simply say to him "Oh, by the way, I met your ex today, she seems a lovely person. Did you know she works in our organisation now?" and wait for his reply - if he questions how you knew who she was, make light of it and just say someone must have mentioned it. If he doesnt accept that, you have to counter-challenge him by asking why he has kept it such a huge secret and then you open a whole can of worms and you really dont need that! I really do think you are making a mountain out of a molehill and I fear for your longterm relationship if you cannot resolve this very minor blip! On the other hand, you could just leave it all where it belongs, in the past!

Cassy can I just check I've understood you correctly?

Your boyfriend had a long-term relationship with someone, they lived together and they split up recently enough that "They still have house stuff to sort out so he does see her from time to time." But he hasn't even told you her name, you only know it because you looked up the electoral register covering where/when he lived with her.

"He has always said he has never dated anyone from work, and he doesn't know that I even know her name." But she has worked there for a year. So either they're very slow at sorting out the house stuff, or she worked there whilst they were together for at least a few months.

I see no sensible reason why you shouldn't know her name. It is very odd for him to have never mentioned her name, given that they were long-term.

How long have you been together?

I do not see the problem myself. She is his Ex! Not current so history. Why should it bother you?

Maybe he actually didn't know she worked there?

I worked for the Armed Forces. I had several boyfriends before I met my OH. He must have worked with people I used to go out with. I have never told him who I used to know before I met him because they were in the past and no longer had anything to do with me.

Give him the benefit of the doubt I say. Mention that you have met her, but don't make a big thing of it. It doesn't matter anymore.

Cassy the one thing I have learned in my life is nothing is good about being devious. I would opt for honesty. Say it bothered you, you checked up and she is working there. you have both been less than open and if your relationship is to continue and become solid in future you need to sort it out now.

Good luck

Synonymous - It is not a figment of my imagination. He is a private man and it just seems strange that he has never told me. He must know she works there - perhaps he didn't think we would last. He must think maybe if I'm not asking him, then he doesn't need to tell me. I'm going to ask him tonight to tell me about her and see what he says.

A storm in a teacup.

Good idea, cassy.

Good luck Cassy.

I would say nothing and play dumb. Let hem sort out their business from past but make sure you are keeping him happy in the present. If you do end up having to manage her just treat her as anyone else, check with a colleague if you are unsure.

They split up. He wants to be with you. Let it go and focus on your own current and future happiness. For all you know she may also be in a new relationship.

If you know this woman and she has no idea you are now her ex's partner ....why don't you engage her in conversation on a casual level ...you know the sort of thing 'where did you work before' (unless you already know) ....are you married, single, have an SO (sorry couldn't resist it ...I hate that expression significant other !) and if she has no idea who you are she may tell you all about her ex boyfriend ...should be fun ! Myself I have always been devious and for me it has always been fun and by far the best way when in any doubt !

I once snooped through my ex husbands brief case (no mobile phones in those days !) and found the name of a hotel in Brighton (of all classic affair places !) when he said he was in Norwich for a weekend conference. I phoned the hotel and the receptionist said ah, Mr AND Mrs ...have just gone out ...so I just said Please can you leave my husband a note when he gets back, to ring his wife ,,,,,the receptionist was a man and it was hilarious ......later that night he came back home and was full of apologies ..you know the thing 'oh I'll never do that again' (he did !) ...etc etc....never mind, I took my daughter out and we bought lots of new clothes and toys (she was only 5 at the time !).....he subsequently left and immediately the day he left I had all the locks changed . Divorced, sold the house (working for a divorce lawyer at that time who said YOu cannot have everything ! Watch me, I said ....and did ! a couple of years later I had a phone call in my new house some 200 miles away, from his girlfriend, now his wife asking me why I never told her he was a compulsive gambler as they had had their brand new house, a restored old vicarage in a lovely Suffolk villagem repossessed and were living in a Council hostel for the homeless ! BOY THAT FELT GOOD ! I had actually told that woman about his gambling many years earlier and was delighted to remind her .....revenge is sweet ! (Im not really a horrible person !)

I object newnanny to your terms 'play dumb' and 'make sure you are keeping him happy in the present'. Relationships are 50.50 surely and it is both partners roles to make the relationship as happy as possible .

Something doesn't add up here ... but I had two large glasses of wine at lunch so it could just be me!

All three of you work in the same place so:

you know he is there and she is there, he knows you are there, but you're not sure if he knows she is there, she presumably knows that he's there, and she knows you are there but doesn't know that you're now with him. Have I got that right?

You refer to him as your partner, he's still seeing his long-term ex as they have household things to sort out, but you have never ever been told her name?

Why don't you casually over dinner say you've just met a delightful woman call (name) at work and you would love to invite her round for dinner one evening and watch his face hopefully he will have to say something and if he doesn't invite for dinner

Do you live with him? You didn't mention it in your Op.

Yes that was quite 1950's mumofmadboys, whatever happened to equal partnership.

It's an odd situation almost farcical when nobody is supposed to know about anyone else. Cassy you need to get things out in the open or it will get worse.