Keeping my depression a secret

Do talk to someone, a close friend or relative, someone you can trust , you can open up here too, important that you don't keep all that sadness within yourself . I have always been quite strong but I have shared something so painful here and received such kindness . Avoid start that you wrote things down X

annie is right grandma1954, please don't suppress the sadness. If you have a friend you can trust please do talk to them, if not why not tell your doctor, just telling someone else can help. The support available through the NHS is patchy, but you may live in an area with a good service, why not find out? Yes, please keep talking here. I know it is a virtual world but there are many Grans here who have had a similar experience and there is support for you. Writing things down can help, not just here but in general. If there are things you would like to say to your eldest son then why not write what you would like him to hear. Not to send to him but just to express it. Then let the writing go in a way that feels appropriate, you could let it float away in a stream, lock it away, send it out to sea, tear it up and let the wind take it. Anything that feels right to you. I'm so sorry you are so unhappy. There are many worries at the moment. It sounds as if together they are overwhelming your ability to cope. It's understandable. Please do take support wherever you can. I hope your husband gets stronger very soon and your grandsons leg pain has a simple explanation. Please let us know how things go.

Grandma1954, I have a secret support group. We're all in the same boat. Pm if you like, You're not alone xxx

My heart goes out to you, grandma 1954! Your eldest son has obviously left a deep void in your life. It doesn't help that dh (dear husband) is now in the hospital and gs isn't doing so well either. (((Hugs)))

Are either your or dh in treatment for your depression? Imo, you BOTH should be. It's admirable to get yourself to "get on with life," but professional help may be in order. I agree that talking with other grans and writing out your feelings can help, too, so I hope you keep talking to us.

You seem to find the co (cut off) perplexing and that may add to your distress. But if you defended younger son or tried to get them to reconcile, that may be why the older one went nc (no contact) with you and dh also. It's so normal for parents to try to bring their ac (adult children) back together when there has been a rift. But some people co any family member who gets in the middle. I hope that takes the mystery out of it and maybe makes it a tiny bit easier to bear.

Like cornergran, I hope you keep in touch.

Feel for you, nothing hurts like being estranged from one of your children. You don't get over it,must do day by day. Underneath I am so sad about my daughter, no one or anything else, however good can make up for that loss. When I read and hear about others living with this, the sensible me wants to say, if you have honestly tried all you can to reconcile you have no later alternative but to accept it and concentrate on what you do have. You have another son and grandchild and a husband, lots more than most have, the old saying, what can't be cured must be endured, easy to say I know but for your sanity you have to. Please try.

Grandma1954,

Please talk about it openly. When I was in the grip of this horrible illness, I made a decision that I would not pretend or cover it up; that if friends were real friends they would try to understand, even if it was outside their experience. And to acquaintances I was also totally open, on the principle that if we hide it, it becomes something that should be hidden.

Everyone was understanding and it was truly amazing how many people had been through the same thing and were glad that they could finally admit this.

I can understand that at the moment your OH is not well enough to receive this information - but hopefully there are some family members or friends who might be able to listen to how you are feeling. And talking to the GP makes a lot of sense too.

There are many people on Gransnet who have similarly suffered and many who have to deal with estrangement - I hope very much that knowing that you are not alone, that people understand and care will help to ease your distress.

Do keep sharing it with us - I know that when I was so ill, the Gransnet "team" helped me to stay afloat.

Take care.

I hope it has helped you by just writing it down and if you feel you have no one to turn to have you thought of keeping a diary I have a notebook and when I am feeling down I write about it in it and it does help me feel a bit better.

grandma54 I can't add to the posts above except to say that your feelings are probably natural sadness rather depression. About the rotten things that can happen to you in life which we weren't brought up to expect.
Those who we love most can hurt us most.
As others have said, writing it down can help.

Grandma1954, my heart goes out to you, I know how heartbreaking it can be when one of your children refuses to engage or speak to you, please take heart it happened to me with my eldest daughter and now my middle daughter, and I spiralled into a depression. Slowly things are getting better so please do not give up hope, I would send your son a letter explaining how you feel and that you would like to be in touch again. It won't do any harm and may just be the one thing that helps sort out things between the pair of you. I wish you all the very best and send you loads of hugs and best wishes for you and your husband and GS's health and happiness.

Thank you all so much. I wasn't actually expecting anyone to answer just needed somewhere to get my feelings out as I've been so tearful. My husband was prescribed anti depressants some years ago after his first heart attack when he had a breakdown but won't take them as he thinks he should just be able to cope. He can be very hard to live with! The situation with son was more complicated than I could write about but I try really hard to focus on positives rather than negatives. I became very ill when all this happened with son and had a mini breakdown when I left home for a few days as husband couldn't understand how I felt. I told him but he thought I should just put it to one side and forget about about son. My life has been extremely complicated regarding family matters and relationships and I never expect anything too much as I only become upset. This may sound strange but I always seem to get the raw end of things when I'm the one who tries so hard to keep things on an even keel. Why does that happen in life? Anyway, thanks again for listening. It's just good to get some feelings out. I could probably write a book!!

Know what? - You should write a book! Writing it down is amazingly therapeutic. Write it as though you were talking to a really good friend.

Also, please, consider trying to get some kind of counselling. Talk to your GP. You are such a long way from being alone in this, even though it may feel that way. There are people out there who can help.
You have worn yourself out trying to help everyone else. Now you need someone to help you, if it's only by listening. It can help so much.

grndma94, my deepest sympathies. I have been hospitalised with severe depression myself so can empathise. I don't want to sound trite, but I've found it helps if I can look outward and focus on the present, and appreciate little everyday things - even down to enjoying a cup of coffee, or appreciating the flowers and blossom coming out now. Doesn't change anything but lifts the mood even if briefly. Just concetrate on one day at a time x

I suspect a lot of us can identify with "hard to live with"! And quite often it seems that depression follows serious health issues like operations etc. I wish men especially were advised of this, so they don't feel it's weakness, but a common reaction to their situation. I hope y

Don't feel guilty about feeling sad. You'd have to be superhuman not to breakdown when under such stress.. Sometimes we can be too brave for our own good.

Please do not keep it all bottled up. Write it down then let it go. Get some help and it may sound trite but try to find at least a few things each day that u are grateful for. Get a relaxation c.d. u r not alone! I think u said that your husband had had heart problems. It is of course very worrying when this happens and it makes u realise how fragile life can be. This does not help with depression. You will come through this
We women are very strong!!

I do t know if it is nationwide but here in Gloucestershire your GP can refer you to a service called Let's Talk. My DH is currently on a 12 weeks 1on1 course and is finding it very helpful.

Good luck

Don't necessarily assume you have depression. In fact I think you are coping remarkably well in difficult circumstances. You can have periods of feeling depressed without having full blown depression. Likewise feeling sad or unable to cope on occasions.

But agree you should have a support system, someone you can talk to or even on here.

Don't try to hide it......it will leak out. Speak to someone.....even if your doctor suggests anti depressants it is not a bad thing. Think of what is happening to you as a wound to your body and the anti depressants are merely a sticking plaster or a walking stick....with you for your moment if need. I've been on mine a while but that is because I suffer PTSD....it is difficult enough for my system to have to deal with that within having to face other stress situations. Above all....don't go down this road alone.

Oh the Black dog, smetimes depression is my only friend, guaranteed to visit and stay all bloody day.

I find good music, good books, self care and good friends help.......but mine never leaves me.

The Reader provides groups that you self refer to and read in groups which can be helpful, Art on prescription also.

Movement is important (says she who barely leaves the house for days on end) we are not alone, plenty of people here with the same things going on.

I have a son currently throwing his life away on addiction and refusing all help and a severely disabled GC with short life expectancy......and all the other crap that life throws us.

It is not illness (never refuse any help though) it is the human condition, a never ending bloody Conga line of people walking the same route.

But we have relative peace, clean water, food...........count your blessings that also helps.

I wish you well.

A family member cutting us off or just disappearing out of our lives is like a living bereavement. It doesn't end.
I wonder if contacting Cruse might help Grandma1954? Link is below.

www.cruse.org.uk/?gclid=Cj0KEQjw76jGBRDm1K-X_LnrmuEBEiQA8RXYZ3sJG7PWpp9HBpAnlwq4XxZKlIya9JMgRfJyTq9QRgEaAuZT8P8HAQ

Please go and talk to your GP. If you don't want to take medication, the doctor may know of a local support group you could join. Just sharing your worries can make you feel so much better about coping with them.

Adding to what others have said, don't assume you can't write about what happened with son, whether you do it here or in a journal. You don't have to write all of it and you don't have to write it out all at once - just bits and pieces if it's easier.

But "write it out" is the key term here. Just like talking it out, writing it can help. If you decide to tell it to us, posters here are ready to listen.

When our daughter stopped contact I had bereavement counselling. It was excellent. For my depression my doctor gave me pills but also recommended Mind. I still go to Mind regularly after ten years. They are excellent and have many ways of dealing with depression. You know you are not alone. There is also the mental health team for older people. I see them when I have a crisis and they are very helpful as of course my GP. Couldn't cope without her to talk things over with.