Age gap marriage

My situation is the opposite to Jeannie

I am 5 years older than my wife and fit and full of energy

15 years ago she had a hysterectomy. After being very supportive and waiting a decent time for her to recover I tried to initiate intimacy.

She responded "Can't you get over that sort of thing ?"
I took that to mean that the "shop was shut" and so I never tried again.

As a result there is no physical intimacy, and now very little mental intimacy. Our conversation mostly revolves around "what shall I buy for supper ?" and "pass the salt"

Shall I suffer in silence, or look for a lover ?
.

My partner is a little bit older than me -I am 61 .
He also has COPD
We have had a lot of turmoil in our lives family money worries work issues etc
he now works abroad so I only see him every 2 or 3 months but even then there is no intimacy.
I don't really fancy him any more .but I realise it's important to keep things going or is it ? we are both aware of the lack of sex .we were positively rampant once upon a time and I could never imagine that disappearing but along came life menopause stress and a COPD diagnosis.
I would put our lack o fintimacy down to lack of libido caused by menopause and COPD and the drugs he has to take .COPD can cause depression and it's very debilitating .
I have to accept we are just very good friends rather than lovers and am glad for the great sex we used to have and although it's not ideal I cant imagine ever having a love life again. With himor anybody.! Which makes me sad but its part of the aging process seeing your young life disappear!
It's a question of whether you can accept your situation as your family are miles away. . We all need love and affection.
Our relationships can be strong without sex but the key word is intimacy and that means caring concern for our partner .men are just not emotionally tuned in as we are. and he seems to have withdrawn . He is probably tired with the illness he has.
Just carry on with all your activities .see your friends . Try to see your family . Be happy with your own company - that's what I have made myself do.

Sending you best wishes

We are fooling ourselves if we believe the passion we shared 50-odd years' ago should still revolve round sex. Look back on the fun you had when you were younger and be glad you experienced so many lovely moments.

My utterly gorgeous DH is 8 years older than me and has had major open heart surgery and cancer in the past 8 years. This has put the brakes on wild love-making but it hasn't stopped us loving each other.

If he doesn't want to join a club or socialise too much, that's fine. He probably feels happier and safer pottering about at home. I love him, so I don't mind. And he never, ever complains when I breeze out to follow my own interests.

I agree with the poster who reminded us about our wedding vows "in sickness and in health". And my DH has certainly looked after me during my own spells of sickness in the dim and distant past.

Those of us still lucky to enough to be married to kind and lovely men should count our blessings and stop moaning!

Poor man! Poor you, however you can do some things to brighten your time he doesn't seem to be resentful if you do (maybe I missed something) sound ideal in some ways.

Relationships alter all the time, not always lovers, often best friends, brother /sister...hate each other for a while........love again, love is a changeling.

I am sure he wishes he were well..........please think of how you would feel if you were the one without energy. Of he died how would you feel? cope? with organising yourself. Might be time to put some things into place, without hurting his feelings as I am pretty sure he knows the score.

My DH was 14 years older than me, I was 34 when we met. We had almost 23 years together, some good, some not so good. DH had suffered from Depression over the years (started after his 1st Marriage failed after 2o+ years), after he Retired he was diagnosed with COPD (Chronic Obstructive Pulmonary Disease). It did change our life & I took Early Retirement at 50 to be at home with him. I continued to go out if I wanted to & left him at home watching tv. Some days I could not get him to walk out of the house, but we still shared the same bed & although sex didn't really feature we would still cuddle. I would never have left him or given up my freedom to enjoy seeing my friends etc. Sadly I was widowed at 57 but have so many happy memories

Hi all
I would like to thankyou for your replies and advice, yes my husband has always been a bit of a loner and quieter than me.
As for leaving him or getting a lover, I simply couldn't do that and eldest daughter. Adores him, she would be devastated, my youngest has never really accepted him, but she wouldn't want me to just walk away from him.
I went to oz for Xmas and we have been there together and the states where my eldest lives.
You are right though what have I got to complain about, I have a bloody good husband who absolutely adores me and who would let me go tomorrow, if he thought it would make me happy.
I think I was just having a bad day and missing the grandchildren.
But hey ho there are a lot in my position or worse, so self pitying over.
I do miss the intimate side though .
We are going on a Norway cruise in may, we are hoping the COPD. Isn't too disruptive.
He has it moderately, but coughs all the time.

stillaliveandkicking
How callous of you to suggest she leave her husband just because his health is failing. With your mindset, you should never marry. What is the point if you think you can
walk when things get tough. That is not what marriage is about.

Niobe, my post is not nasty! It's honest and to the point. The age gab becomes vast when older and just because you've had years with someone, when this fact catches up then if the younger person wants to leave, leave they should.

gap...

Ah, Jeannie your last post made me tear up! Your man sounds like a lovely chap and the COPD must get him down. Maybe the cruise (hope you've booked a double bed) might rekindle the relationship/intimacy - he's probably missing it as much as you. Hope you have a fantastic time and well done for remembering all the positives about your marriage

Leave? I don't think so, the marriage vows should mean something surely?

DH is older than me and was really lost when he retired so I suggested he should join a local group or two and get involved with the community. Now I practically have to make an appointment if I want to have a day out with him at a NT place or something!!
I'm glad you see your family, we do miss them when they're so far away, don't we, but I am very lucky because some of mine are still in the UK.

Our friend's husband is 18 years older than her and his health has been poor for quite a while but she would not leave him - she is doing her very best for him and some of their children are on the other side of the world too. If you marry a much older man it is something that may happen, although not necessarily, as DH's health has been better than mine over the years.

I'm thinking of going back to Latin lessons with U3A - are you enjoying them?

Really, really useful of course

I've only just heard of U3A and I could kick myself! When I checked out my local branch, there's so much going on that I don't know what to dip into first. Roll on mid summer when I hopefully retire.

I had heard of it but never joined it until recently

dipping a toe in first

I've always wanted to learn Italian and they have a beginners course near me. And gardening. And local history too. Please let me retire!

My wife has a friend who is 61 her husband is 74 they sleep in separate beds and have no sex she asked my wife if she was bisexual because her husband has told her friend he will not mind if she had an affair with another woman but not another man.

How the other half live!

Good gracious! I am feeling grateful that DH (69) and I (66) are still loving and have shared interests, friends and have fun. We also have independent interests and friends.

I need to stop grumbling about the little irritations and be pleased we have such a good relationship.

I am sorry to read that so many seem to have 'lost' a partner despite them sharing the same home. I know it happens. Sadly, I see it developing with my DD. Her partner is 12 years her senior.

My DH is almost 11 years older than me. We have been together since my children were small. I am just gone 55 and he is almost 66. It has never been a problem for us. We enjoy being together and if anything I am the old misery guts in the relationship. We don't get chance to go out socializing very much and DH works very long hours, but we still very much enjoy each other's company. Just cooking a nice meal, enjoying a glass of wine and dancing together in our own sitting room. DH is a very serious kind of man and can be very funny without even realizing.

That was quite nasty Stillaliveandkicking. The OP still loves her Husband, and ok what if they do have different interests, what if the sex has stopped. He isn't well for goodness sakes. I wouldn't kick an old Dog out for not being well, never mind my DH, although sometimes he comes close .

seriously though I think you owe the Op an apology on that one.

This is not really off topic, but it is not a personal experience. We have recently sold our house to a married couple. He is 65 and she is 30. They appear very happy together but I wonder how long it can last. They have different cultures too, as well as the huge disparity in their ages.

That is a really big age difference Antonia and such that it will undoubtedly raise problems in the future . A thirty five year age gap is more than an entire generation and the lady is almost guaranteed to be a young widow.
I can't imagine what a thirty year old would find attractive in a 65 year old. Is he very rich I wonder?

No, I don't think he is very rich. The girl is from the Philippines, we found out from the conveyancing solicitor we used that they married 2 years ago in the Philippines. We can only assume that she has a better life here than she would have had at home, but they will be moving into our house which is in a rural hamlet in France. Her French isn't that good either, so I do worry that she will find life here very hard, even apart from the age difference. There are no shops or facilities within a walking distance and practically zero public transport. We are moving back to the UK, mostly because I am getting very bored here and missing family and friends, so I hope she will be able to cope.

Did you not consider that this might be the case when you married an older man?

I have an old dog. He's getting to be hard work, but because of all the good times we've had in the past, because I love him and because he doesn't want to get old and weary and creaky too and wishes he could still do the things he did as a puppy, then I have to accept that and keep him till the end.

So, some good suggestions on here, but remember the other person in all this too.